Bush to dump Cheney, run with Ozzy in '04

www.borowitz.com ^ | 5-6-02 | andy borowitz

[cd jones]

BUSH TO DUMP CHENEY, RUN WITH OZZY OSBOURNE IN '04

'No [Bleeping] Way!' Says Outraged Veep

G.O.P. strategists are urging President Bush to dump Vice-President Dick
Cheney from the 2004 Republican ticket and run with Ozzy Osbourne instead,
citing the addled rock star's superior poll numbers.

A new survey of likely voters shows that Mr. Osbourne is now the most
popular public figure in America, trouncing his nearest rival, Spider-man,
a fictitious comic-book character.

The poll results suggest that Americans have little or no concern about
Mr. Osbourne's fitness for the second-highest office in the land, despite
his apparent inability to operate a TV remote or replace a garbage can
liner.

But aides to Mr. Cheney say that the Vice-President is not about to be
replaced by the shuffling, dazed-looking rocker without a fight.

Mr. Cheney sprang into action on Monday, inviting MTV cameras into his
secure undisclosed location to film a new documentary-style series about
him and his family, "The Cheneys."

The footage shows the Cheney children exchanging volleys of raw expletives
with the Vice-President's wife Lynne V. Cheney, a Senior Fellow at the
American Enterprise Institute.

"We can [bleeping] drill for [bleeping] oil in Alaska if we [bleeping]
feel like it!" Mrs. Cheney can be heard saying at one point.

But the biggest surprise for viewers may be Dick Cheney himself, who
appears throughout the program in a sleeveless black vest, his biceps
tattooed with the corporate logo of the Halliburton Company, the petroleum
concern he used to head.

"I never thought I'd say this, but Dick Cheney is actually in better shape
than Ozzy," one aide said.

**** BOROWITZ ON CNN ****

Watch Andy Borowitz Tuesday morning on CNN's "American Morning" with Paula
Zahn.

[cd jones]

woops sorry: here is the link

[xm177e2]

Watch Andy Borowitz Tuesday morning on CNN's "American Morning" with Paula Zahn.

Or not.

[sleavelessinseattle]

This was funnier than I thought it was going to be! Bump!

[Dakmar]

BUSH TO DUMP CHENEY, RUN WITH OZZY OSBOURNE IN ‘04

‘No [Bleeping] Way!’ Says Outraged Veep

G.O.P. strategists are urging President Bush to dump Vice-President Dick Cheney from the 2004 Republican ticket and run with Ozzy Osbourne instead, citing the addled rock star’s superior poll numbers.

A new survey of likely voters shows that Mr. Osbourne is now the most popular public figure in America, trouncing his nearest rival, Spider-man, a fictitious comic-book character.

The poll results suggest that Americans have little or no concern about Mr. Osbourne’s fitness for the second-highest office in the land, despite his apparent inability to operate a TV remote or replace a garbage can liner.

But aides to Mr. Cheney say that the Vice-President is not about to be replaced by the shuffling, dazed-looking rocker without a fight.

Mr. Cheney sprang into action on Monday, inviting MTV cameras into his secure undisclosed location to film a new documentary-style series about him and his family, “The Cheneys.”

The footage shows the Cheney children exchanging volleys of raw expletives with the Vice-President’s wife Lynne V. Cheney, a Senior Fellow at the American Enterprise Institute.

“We can [bleeping] drill for [bleeping] oil in Alaska if we [bleeping] feel like it!” Mrs. Cheney can be heard saying at one point.

But the biggest surprise for viewers may be Dick Cheney himself, who appears throughout the program in a sleeveless black vest, his biceps tattooed with the corporate logo of the Halliburton Company, the petroleum concern he used to head.

“I never thought I’d say this, but Dick Cheney is actually in better shape than Ozzy,” one aide said.

**** BOROWITZ ON CNN ****

[CounterCounterCulture]

But...but...Ozzy's not qualified to be President (natural born citizen criteria) if something bad should happen to Dubya.

This idea's so risky, I feel like biting the head off something.

[WhyisaTexasgirlinPA]

This is the most bleepin funny bleepin thread on bleepin FR tonight.......... I especially love the "Halliburton tatoos" on Cheney! ROFL........

[Dakmar]

I have no idea why I re-posted that, have the moderators removed me from Kansas/Indiana without prior consent once again?

[Cicero]

All joking aside, Ozzy would make a better Vice President than Al Gore.

[RedBloodedAmerican]

Al who?

[spald]

Not Ozzie, cd. Condi.

[RightWhale]

All joking aside

President has to be native born American. Can't we find an American born Prince of Darkness?

[Revolting cat!]

You spoilsports don't seem to appreciate the humour in the humourless getting their panties all tied up in knots when they see an article like this, think it utterly serious and treat us to their mouth foaming outrages. Next time hold off your "that's funny" posts for a bit, will ya?! I guarantee you'll be able to double your fun!

[WIMom]

I hope SNL does a skit of this. ;-)

Hiya girl!

[WhyisaTexasgirlinPA]

Isn't this the funniest thing you've read all night? I am still hurting from laughing over this one.........

How are you?

[WIMom]

I'm good. I'll freep mail you either tonight or tomorrow morning and we can talk.

This sort of fits the story....

[WhyisaTexasgirlinPA]

ROFL........that pic is great! Yes, do freep me - we'll catch up!

[WIMom]

We've been all over the threads chatting. Gotta stop that! lol.

[blam]

Bush's Secret Weapon.