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...When the door close behind me, zwwwwippitch, I guess you could say I was a little surprised, maybe a little disappointed. Turns out paradise is dumpier that you'd expect. A lot dumpier. In fact it's a lot like the Iraq boondocks; sandy, dusty, seemed like 150 degrees in the shade. I always figured paradise would have better climate control, but hey, Allah has the thermostat and He works in mysterious ways. I start looking around, and looking around. No virgins, no figs, no raisins. Now, I'm horny, hungry, and annoyed. Okay, I figure, I guess it's up to Zarkman to...

This is an image made from video originally posted Tuesday, April 25, 2006 on the Internet showing al-Qaida in Iraq leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki announced at a news conference Thursday June 8, 2006, that al-Qaida in Iraq chief Abu Musab al-Zarqawi has been killed. This image was provided via the IntelCenter, which is a private contractor working for intelligence agencies. (AP Photo/via IntelCenter)

Iowahawk Guest Commentaryby Abu Musab Al-ZarqawiSenior VP, Al-Qaeda In Iraq What's the fizz, homeslice? I realize it's been long-time no-blog, but the dung continues to roll downhill here at the B-town office, and the revised budget doesn't cover pooper scoopers. My lovable 'tards keep opening the splodeygram eVites from Team Satan, so let's just say Zarkman's been keepin' it on the downlow. Man, I swear I could almost tolerate this shit if all I had to deal with was the infidels and their local Iraqi ho's. Sure, they'll pop a tomahawk cap in your ass, but you can kinda...

As a holy activist battling infidel crusaders and their heretic lackeys here in Mesopotamia, Allah knows I have to have a thick skin. Still, every once in a while, I’ll run across something that really gets my blood boiling. For instance, after my last opinion piece I got this nastygram from some choad over in Great Satanland: I am appalled and sickened that anyone would draw a parellel between Al-Zarqawi and the American Left. Oh, ya think? Well, I got news for you, Moby: I’m not exactly thrilled about any such comparison MYSELF, okay?  See, I didn’t spend the last...

Iowahawk Special July 4 Guest Commentaryby Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi Americans are famous for their diversity, and nowhere is this diversity more on display than in the various ways we celebrate the Fourth of July. Whether you are a traditional infidel enjoying hot dogs and cold watermelon, a recent immigrant infidel celebrating your new citizenship with a colorful piñata full of sweet treats, or like me, a not-as-yet-arrived-there-American who celebrates our independence through videotaped beheadings, we Americans have an almost infinite variety of ways of ‘lighting up the Fourth.’ Unfortunately, there are some who are angered by this rich Independence...

Word up whitebread, how you livin'? Yeah, I been gettin' all your email haterade. All y'all infidels be texting and emailing, and it's all like "yo Zarks where u at? Al Qaeda cut off your TypePad account? LOL!!!" Hey cuz, act like you know. Like the Zarkman got time to be blogging this bitch with the Q1 decapitation reports overdue, and Fatima all up in my grille wantin’ money for the kids' summer martyr camp, and Team Satan sendin’ another crew of laser-guided "downsizing consultants" every freaking day. Fo real, you think Zarkman got time to play penpal with you...

Special Iraq Election Coverage by Iowahawk Correspondent Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi Senior VP, Al-Qaeda In Iraq 9:25 CST Yozup, haters? Yeahhh, the Zarkman's comin' at ya from B-town, and me and the Q Crew be all up in this bish. Infidel who runs this blog says all y'alls over in Satanland got some big hard-on about this Iraqi election sh*t, and asked me if I would jack his hit counter with a little local Q Crew flava. Normally Zarkman would tell the tell the punkass bitch to go suck it. But the choads at Pajamas Media are passin' out the Haterade,...

Iowahawk Guest Commentaryby Abu Musab Al-ZarqawiSenior VP, Al-Qaeda In Iraq How’s it hangin,’ homos? Same ol’ – same ol’ here in the Big Sandbox. Not much new since my last letter; Team Satan keeps dropping the hammer, we keep mopping up the jihadi juice. Despite the occasional market-bombing morale booster, the situation has been going downhill for a while now. So I guess you could say that everybody was pretty jazzed last week when big bossman Zawahiri sent out a memo announcing casual Fridays and a special ‘R&R event.’ Well yeah, okay, normally the Zarkman is cool with a...

Iowahawk Guest Commentaryby Abu Musab Al-ZarqawiSenior VP, Al-Qaeda In Iraq What's crackalackin', y'all? I know it's been long-time-no-post, but I gotta tell you it's a little hard to keep up with the blogging when you're getting a daily enema from infidel Tomahawks. I knew that war is supposed to be hell, but dude -- this one is starting to totally f***ing suck. Bigtime. Case in point: after taking in the nards in Tel Afar last week, let's just say the martyr recruiting has gone a little slow. And speaking of 'a little slow,' can we talk about this latest...