Top Ten Communist Jokes

Times Online ^ | June 20 2008

[knighthawk]

1) Three workers find themselves locked up, and they ask each other what they’re in for. The first man says: “I was always ten minutes late to work, so I was accused of sabotage.” The second man says: “I was always ten minutes early to work, so I was accused of espionage.” The third man says: “I always got to work on time, so I was accused of having a Western watch.”

And here are the nine runners-up:

2) An old man is dying in his hovel on the steppes. There is a menacing banging on the door. ‘Whose there?’ the old man asks. ‘Death ‘comes the reply. ‘Thank God for that,’ he says, ‘I thought it was the KGB.’ A KGB officer is walking in the park and he sees and old Jewish man reading a book. The KGB says "What are you reading old man?" The old man says "I am trying to teach myself Hebrew." KGB says "Why are you trying to learn Hebrew? It takes years to get a visa for Israel. You would die before the paperwork got done." "I am learning Hebrew so that when I die and go to Heaven I will be able to speak to Abraham and Moses. Hebrew is the language they speak in Heaven." the old man replies. "But what if when you die you go to Hell?" asks KGB. And the old man replies, "Russian, I already know." Larry Rasczak Dan Sweeney

3)Pravda announced that it welcomed letters to the editor. All correspondents were required to include their full name, address and next of kin. Neil

4) Q. "Why do the KGB operate in groups of three?" A. "One can read, one can write and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals." Lee Jakeman

5) Leonid Brezhnev pays a state visit to France and he's given a VIP guided tour of Paris. He's conducted round the splendours of the Élysée Palace, but remains as stony-faced as ever. He's shown the masterpieces of the Louvre, but the curators fail to get any reaction out of him. He's taken to the Arc de Triomphe, but displays not the slightest interest. Eventually, the official motorcade drives him to the foot of the Eiffel Tower, where Brezhnev finally stares up in amazement and astonishment. He turns to his French hosts and asks in bewilderment: "But, Paris is a city of 9 million people... surely you need more than one watchtower?" (first heard by me in the Brezhnev era) Geraint Jennings

6) Stalin decides to go out one day and see what it's really like for the workers, so he puts on a disguise and sneaks out of the Kremlin. After a while he wanders into a cinema. When the film has finished, the Soviet Anthem plays and a huge picture of Stalin appears on the screen. Everyone stands up and begins singing, except Stalin, who smugly remains seated. A minute later a man behind him leans forwards and whispers in his ear: "Listen Comrade, we all feel exactly the same way you do, but trust me, it's a lot safer if you just stand up." Robert B

7) A man saves up his ruples and is finally able to buy a car in Soviet Russia. After he pays his money the he is told he will have his car in three years. "Three years!" he asks "What month?" "August" "August? What day in August?" He asks "The Second of August" is the reply "Morning or Afternoon?" "Afternoon. Why do you need to know?" "The plumber is coming in the morning." Mark

8) Why do ex-Stasi officers make the best Berlin taxi drivers? Because you only need to tell them your name and they'll already know where you live! Will

9) Moscow in the 1970s. Deepest winter. A rumour spreads through the city that meat will be available for sale the next day at Butcher's Shop no. 1.

Tens of thousands turn up on the eve of the event: wrapped up against the cold, carrying stools, vodka, and chessboards, they form an orderly queue.

At 3 am the butcher comes out and says, "Comrades, I've just had a call from the Party Central Committee: it turns out there won't be enough meat for everyone, so the Jews in the queue should go home."

The Jews obediently leave the queue. The rest continue to wait.

At 7 am, the butcher comes out again: "Comrades, I've just had another call from Central Committee. It turns out there will be no meat at all, so you should all go home."

The crowd disperses, grumbling all the while: "Those bloody Jews get all the luck!" Andrew Vornic/Julian Cox

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I liked the radio report that there was bad news and good news with The Five Year Plan.

The bad news - awful crops -manufacuring output poor - no heating oil.

The Good news - it will be a whole lot better than under the next five year plan.

---

A joke from 1985. Gorby and Reagan are stranded on an island and find a bottle. They open it and out comes a genie. He says, "I will give you one item, but I must warn you that you will die on this island". So they both decide they want a newspaper from 15 years in the future. Poof, the paper appears in the sand. Gorby grabs the paper and turns to the financial page and begins laughing and states, "your Reaganomics have plunged the USA into the deepest recession ever!" Reagan grabs the paper and turns to the international page and scratches his chin and states, "hmmm, I see there are skirmishes again on the border between Germany and China."

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Brezhnev turns up at a camp in deepest Siberia. It is a snap inspection so he requests that everybody turns out on parade. he mounts the platform and starts his address....."Comrade Sailors of the Soviet navy.....".... there is a sharp tug on his arm - he stops and then restarts in exactly the same way. There is another sharp tug and this time a voice says...." Comrade president sailors have stripes that run horizontally - these are vertical....."

---

Brezhenev is showing his aged mother around the Kremlin. He shows her his ornate office, the state rooms, the banqueting suite and the garage full of limos. "Well mother has your boy done well?"

Mother looks aghast......"Son i'm very worried. What if the Bolsheviks come back?"

[eldoradude]

LMAO!

How about a contemporary one. Obama is told that 3 Brazilians have died in Iraq. Immediately, he falls to his knees facing Mecca with tears in his eyes and cries, "Bush's fault! Bush's fault!", and continues on with how the Republicans are all to blame.

He then gets up and finds his wife. He whispers, "Psst! Michelle! How many is in a brazillion?"

[VOA]

“
Top Ten Communist Jokes
“

And the greatest Communist joke...
Communism itself was a joke, but only worthy of sadness and derision.

[Hugin]

Moscow, 1970s, a Russian university student is standing with three foreign students, an American, a Rumanian, and an Israeli, when a CNN reporter and her handler approach them.

"Excuse me," the reporter asks, "but what is your opinion of the current meat shortage?"

The Russian says, "What is opinion?"

The Rumanian says, "What is meat?"

The American says, "What's a shortage?"

The Israeli says, "What is excuse me?"

[The KG9 Kid]

A Russian doctor is headed into a train station in Moscow when he meets an old friend from the university coming out of the station carrying two large suitcases.

"Igor, it's me your old friend Eugevny! How have you been these fifteen years!" the doctor says.

"Eugevny! How good to see you! I've been promoted to engineering director of the entire Soviet space program, I'm happy to say." the engineer replies as he sets down the suitcases. The doctor notices his old friend is wearing a very large modern watch covered with dials and spinning hands.

"That's a very attractive watch, Igor. Tell me what it is. Is it imported from Switzerland?"

The engineer replies "Nonsense! This is a premier example of state of the art in Soviet engineering! No watch in the world is like this one. It tells the time across 12 time zones, announces the correct time in fifteen languages, has a liquid crystal display, contains it's own miniature atomic clock for accuracy, is completely shatterproof, is designed to operate in the vacuum of space, can survive temperatures hotter than 800 degrees Celsius, waterproof to 500 meters in depth, and is sealed for up to three atmospheres!"

"That's amazing, Igor!" says the doctor, "Simply amazing! Now tell me, what's the the suitcases?"

"The batteries."

[dfwgator]

“In America, You watch TV. In Soviet Russia, TV watch YOU!” - Yakov Smirnoff

[cynwoody]

An old lady asked Gorbachev whether Communism is philosophy or science. Gorby thought for a moment and answered, “Philosophy”. “I thought so,” exclaimed the babushka, “Scientists would have tried it on animals first!”

[Hugin]

“In the Soviet Union, the future is known with certainty. It's the past that keeps changing.”

[zot]

old but still good

Yup! And hopefully not previews of American jokes.

[Dilbert56]

A Russian man waits in line at the store for over an hour. When he gets to the front of the line, he's told there is no more bread for sale. He launches into a tirade, asking what kind of government can't provide for its people. Finally, a man in a trench coat steps up behind him and tells him if he'd talked like that a few years ago, he'd have been shot.

He heads home empty-handed. His wife says: "What? They're out of bread?" He responds: "Worse, they're out of bullets."

[Turret Gunner A20]

Great — all of them.

[GOPJ]

A Russian man waits in line at the store for over an hour. When he gets to the front of the line, he's told there is no more bread for sale. He launches into a tirade, asking what kind of government can't provide for its people. Finally, a man in a trench coat steps up behind him and tells him if he'd talked like that a few years ago, he'd have been shot.

He heads home empty-handed. His wife says: "What? They're out of bread?" He responds: "Worse, they're out of bullets."

ROTFLMAO

[Dilbert56]

That’s stolen (paraphrased) from a P.J. O’Rourke book.

[KC_Conspirator]

(1980's) An American and a Soviet are talking and comparing their countries. The American says, "America is such a great country. In MY country I am free to walk up to the White House, shake my fist in the air, and yell 'Ronald Reagan is a no good SOB'".

The Soviet replies, "Ah, thats no big deal. We are free in the Soviet Union too. In MY country, I too am free to walk up to the Kremlin, shake my fist in the air, and yell 'Ronald Reagan is a no good SOB'".

[facedown]

LOL bttt

[PLMerite]

Only one I can ever remember is one from some old 80s sitcom:

“Why can’t you use the bathroom in Poland?”

“Because they’re occupied.”