Skip to comments.My son is getting "married" in Massachusetts (Vanity?)
Posted on 07/15/2009 5:24:55 PM PDT by pleasenoobama
Those of you who know me here on Free Republic are aware that I am a Puerto Rican, and as part of the island's cultural tradition, I have inherited strong Catholic beliefs from my parents. I have raised my own two children as Catholics, hoping that they too could share in my culture and religion. Both were baptized and confirmed. I had hoped both would learn to love God as I had. Up until last weekend, I thought I had done a pretty good job.
I am a lot less confident in my parenting now. On Saturday, my son called me and invited me to lunch, saying he had something important to confide in me. I am always there to support my children, and I gladly took him to our favorite restaurant and found a private booth. That's when things took a turn for the worse.
"Papa, I know you are religious. I know what you think about homosexuality." I felt a pit in my stomach, because I knew what was coming next. "I'm gay." I have to admit, I had suspected. The thought had crossed my mind. He had never introduced me to a girlfriend. But I had always hoped that it was just my paranoia, that he was enjoying the life of a bachelor.
"I have a partner," he continued, "and we are getting married next spring." I went completely silent. My son kept going. "I know you won't approve, but it would mean a lot to me if you would come to my wedding." I couldn't take it any more. I cried. I yelled. I told him to leave my sight. I paid for the meal and went home and cried some more.
I admit, maybe I overreacted. But I believe in my heart my son is a good man. I want to see him pass through the gates of heaven. I never thought I would see him living in sin. I can't help but wonder where I went wrong as a parent. And I was completely shocked.
I have not talked to him since then. I want to, so badly. Normally we talk by phone or send a short email every day or two. We are from a very family-oriented culture, after all. And now, I don't know what to do. Whether I can face him. Whether I can ever mention this again.
I know I can never accept that his "wedding" will be real. And I really wish I could talk him out of it. But I am afraid of losing him. I am even thinking about maybe attending the wedding, just because I want to see him smile.
I am afraid and lost and I don't know what to do. Please guide me, fellow freepers. And please pray for my son, J__. I know he has been led astray, but his heart is good.
my heart goes out to you. pls be in touch with your child and let God worry about the rest.
Love the sinner, hate the sin. I know that is simplistic, but my prayers truly are with you.
I had a few thoughts about this...
You should tell your son you love him and always will.
You should tell your son you believe his choices are an abomination to God and nature.
and, um, how did this happen in a right-wing place like assachussets..... *ahem*
And pray...a lot!
Sin is insanity!!! It overwhelms the sinner and blinds him.
Prayers are with you...God bless!!!
I would not go.I would send him a mass card and pray for him. I did not go to my daughter’s wedding. It was hetero but the man was divorced and stayed away from mass because of that. Except for that he was every parent’s dream of a husband for one’s daughter. We got along fine by a year after that but I did not go to the “wedding.” Eventually he decided to go back to mass.
He is your son, love him.
He already knows how you feel.
Let God sort out the rest.
I am sorry to hear about this. You do the best you can to raise them right. Prayers will be directed his way. You must be certain that hold a strong position. You can never accept this behavior but you can love him.
He is your son. I say attend the wedding. Accepting him and loving him is different than accepting homosexuality. I have a cousin who is gay and that is how I have dealt with it.
Life is too short and your son is still your son. Don’t waste the rest of your life and his being bitter. This doesn’t mean you don’t agree with his lifestyle, but it shows that you still love him.
Just kidding. Remember that we do our best to instill our values in our children, but that, once they are adults, there is not much we can do. Love your son, but let him no that you do not endorse his lifestyle.
You love your son. He loves you. Support him and continue to love him. Keep your boundaries on what you can accept while in your home.
Go to the “wedding”....YOU don’t have to change your beliefs, you can stand firm in YOUR beliefs. Just because a child does something you don’t approve of, you don’t have to disown him.
You are the strongest spritual influence on him , now and for the future. Keep him close and keep the doors to the relationship and your heart open. Ask for God to help you do the right thing by your boy.
We never know what the future brings...family is there no matter what.
BTW, don’t worry about your reaction at first. It just shows you love him. My father exploded and got angry many times at something I did or wanted to do with my life, but never disowned me. Later in life, I remember those moments fondly and know that he loved me very much...he sure wasn’t ‘apathetic”.ha.
I’m sorry for you. I hope and pray your son comes out of this. It is your choice what you do about his “wedding”. I would never but that is me. I don’t believe in pretending things are ok and acceptable when they are not. My child may choose to run off a cliff and I will try to stop it the best I can but I will not help enable them to their personal destruction. We have become a society of enablers and that is your choice. Pretend it is all ok and be celebrated as an accepted Dad in a morally bankrupt culture or be a real Dad and tell him that while your love him that you aren’t going to a fake “wedding”.
Pretending it is ok does not make it so. Letting women and weak men set the standard is why your son is the way he is.
I pray for you and him.
Support your son. Let him know you love him no matter what. He already knows you don’t support his decision so just drop it, IMO.
It’s his life and you can’t change it no matter how much you try.
Just keep praying for him and loving him. I know it won’t be easy. Life isn’t always easy.
I feel your pain and your love. I would think that as soon as you can tell your son some of what you’ve written—that you know he’s a good man, how much you love him, how much your were raised to fear that it would keep him from heaven, how much shame you were hit with out of concern that you had somehow done something to influence it, and how much you were concerned about healing your relationship with him—you will both feel better. Best wishes for you both.
Prayers for you and your family, for reconciliation, understanding, and a positive outcome.
As William F Buckley would say, pray for him.
If it were one of my kids, I wouldn’t attend the “wedding.” However, I would try to remain friendly and available to him, and would be pleasant to his boyfriend as well, and would pray for them. Don’t forget how hard St. Monica prayed for St. Augustine (and she got results!).
Since he knows what you believe and how you feel, he’s putting you on the spot by asking you to attend the “wedding,” and I don’t think it’s fair to you. He’s trying to force your approval. Also, if you attend this event, you give it legitimacy, which it does not have, because it’s not a marriage and this event is not a wedding.
If your son wants to live with his boyfriend, that’s fine, and as I say, I think you should be kind to both of them. Invite them out for dinner or something.
But someday he may wake up and be embarrassed by this “wedding” charade. I think if you gently decline to participate, and calmly explain what marriage is if he asks, you will actually be helping him and giving him something to think about in the future.
If you go to the Ignatius Press website, you will find books for parents like you and that might help you to get your thoughts and words in order for the time when he wants to discuss it.
It can make itself appear pure and Godly, but it is not...it is never Godly.
True Godly Love on the other hand may be joyous and overwhelmingly satisfying...but there is one difference.
Lasciviousness will have guilt...and Godly union/pleasure will have none!
Ask your son about his guilt (before God)...if he has it, it will not decline but will become an obstacle between himself and the Lord.
The question is...does your son love sin more than God?
Hone in with laser-like intensity...your son's eternity depends on it!
no=KNOW. Too much sherry with dinner...
I suspect a set-up here.
No matter how much you love them, and no matter what you teach them, they all have to grow up and make their own decisions. I think you better call him and tell him you still love him, and that you hope he can understand why you feel the way you do.
I’m saying this with my own children still at home, but have made more than a few decisions that my own parents disagreed with. I’ve also had to go and tell them that they were right on quite a few of those decisions, now that I’ve had my nose rubbed in the results.
I’m not Catholic, and I know you folks believe some things I don’t, but I also know you believe in a just and merciful God like I do, so for now, all you can do is leave it in his hands, and keep praying for your son.
Go to the wedding and bring a nice gift. And dont forget to tell your son that you love him.
You should contact your son and tell him that you still love him and that you will accept his husband and attend the wedding.
On both sides of my family and my wife’s family there are gays and it is not the gays that have been outcast, but rather those who cannot accept their gay family members.
>I suspect a set-up here.
I thought I smelled one too. That’s why I went to the poster’s history of posts and she’s clean. After the t-shirt fiasco of last week, it always pays to check out the past posts due to the troll infestation..
Seriously, if your kid just told you he was gay, you would post it on a blog for comments?
In his own words, he shows how conflicted he is. Use his words when you talk to him again. Tell him you love him, but as he himself said: "I know you won't approve", you cannot condone and bless a union that is outside of God's Word by attending the "wedding". In the big picture, he needs you to be consistent with your values and beliefs and he really should not have put you in a position to compromise that.
I respectfully disagree.
This is not about this man, his son, or his son's lover!
This is about something we cannot understand...this is about disobedience to God!
Sin, that is, disobedience to God...is insanity! Remove yourself from it!
Love your son and his friend...but completely remove yourself from their sin (in no way involve yourself in it...it is deadly)! And pray day and night! His answer will come.
I am only recently coming to see sin as it is. It's seductiveness will override your need to cast it aside. It will use your love of your son as a tool against you and against God. Satan is very clever.
However, I would not say what I just did if my name were attached to this post.
I suspect the poster feels the same.
What a horrendous ache.
PLEASE search out FOCUS ON THE FAMILY resources about this topic.
Here’s their home page
Their Christian counseling section . . . I believe most of it is free on the phone or online. You can check. It includes referrals to Christian counselors in your area if desired.
Here’s there excellent section on parenting.
Still looking for specific homosexual resources. You may need to call them or email them.
Resources for raising sons are here:
I don’t know that there’s a one size fits all bit of advice I could give.
NARTH . . . IIRC is a decent Christian counseling org for homosexuals who want to leave it. They may have something for parents.
I probably would contact my son at this point and I’d hug him a lot at every excuse. I’d likely fast and pray about
WHAT NOW, GOD?
You should also check out DENNIS JERNIGAN on YouTube. His music is great and his life story out of homosexuality is great. Though he kind of cheated—The Lord just delivered him ZAP! in the midst of a concert when Anne Herring of the 2nd Chapter of Acts group gave a word of Knowledge about God wanting to deliver someone . . . I think he’s now happily married with 6 kids.
His song something about COME AND SIT WITH ME A WHILE was a real tear jerker the first several times I heard it.
Anyway—my heart goes out to both of you.
hugs and prayers.
I think it’s important for your son to know that you love him, no matter what his life choices are. Right now he believes he’s in love and may resent you if he thinks you’re forcing him to choose between his partner and you. He may feel differently in time, and you’ll want him to feel comfortable in confiding in you then. In the meantime, with you in his life he’ll still benefit from your influence whether you see it or not. Keep in mind that we don’t always know how God will work things out.
Prayers for your family.
It’s not your fault. He made a choice on his own to live in sin. I’ll be praying for you.
FRiend, you must simply love him unconditionally and let him choose his own path. Support him and show him that you are a true Christian man who allows God to be the only true judge.
He is lucky to have such a good role model in his life. Continue to show him what a good role model you are. Fight your fears for him and show him the true love that can only come from a good parent. You’ll never regret it, I promise.
Just my opinion, God looks at your heart, you don’t know why he chooses the lifestyle he does, but right now, God is looking at you as a Father. Loving your son and being an example to him is far more important than passing down judgment. There is no problem telling him you disapprove if that is your honest feeling, but never take away your love. Be an example to both him and his partner of a Godly man. If you alienate your son and his partner, how can you be a witness. Even if you live a full life and go to your deathbed never seeing a chance, would you rather pass from this life alienated from your son or knowing you still had a relationship with him even if you didn’t accept all his choices. You have two people you must be a witness to now.
Many who come to the Lord are trying to set Him up. And we, as his servants, could expect no less.
We/I might have set the Lord up--and many times at that.
Set us up that we might testify! Try to fool us so that, in our foolishness, we might proclaim something greater than ourselves (in fact, something greater than we can ever understand)!
The bottom line is to keep communication open but let him know that lifestyle is not welcome in your home or life. He is welcome, the sin is not.
This is probably the most difficult dilemma you will ever have to deal with because it will affect decisions you make for years to come. Your son will most likely never change from this way of life.
I don’t know what to tell you about the wedding. My husband and I did not attend or really even acknowledge his sister’s “wedding” to her girlfriend. On the other hand, in April we met them at Disneyland for a couple of days and we had a blast. My two kids, ages 7 and 10, love them both.
I don’t have much time to post anything longer, but just know that time does have a way of healing and putting things into perspective. We have been walking this path for about 15 years.
Oh, I will say, don’t take any shame upon yourself. Don’t try to hide your son’s choices from family members or friends. That doesn’t mean you go around announcing his lifestyle, that’s his responsibility, not yours. But to this day, my MIL continues to try and hide her daughter’s gay-ness from her relatives when anybody with two eyes and a brain can figure out what is going on.
I think as time goes on, you’ll know in your heart how to proceed, i.e. inviting them both to family birthday parties or not, that kind of thing.
Oh, one more thing, then I really will get busy making dinner! A couple of years ago my husband and I went to dinner at a nice restaurant. Walking through the front doors ahead of us were two very clean-cut men in their 30’s, obviously gay. LOL Well, we ended up sitting directly across from them and what appeared to be a family birthday party. One of the men was seated at one end of a long table, surrounded by his family members, parents and siblings, probably. His partner was seated at the other end, about 15 feet away at the “kids table”. I watched that scene and thought, “God, I don’t ever want to make anyone feel the way that man must feel right now.” No adult ever acknowledged him. Even the kids ignored him. It’s not right to make another human being feel so small. There are ways of being polite in spite of your feelings and beliefs about someone’s lifestyle.
How many other people from your family are attending this event?
If you do decide to go you could be with them?
I wouldn’t sit in the customary front row, that’s just me.
I wouldn’t attend the after party. Again, that’s me, if I decided to attend the event.
Three pieces of advice and one comment:
(1) Hate the sin, NOT the sinner.
(2) The only things that matter in life are God, country (ie the Constitution), and family. Keep that in mind.
(3) Love does not preclude disagreement with behavior. In fact, love actually often demands it. But to be effective, disagreement must be based on love, and the lines of communication must be kept open. That means let your beliefs be known if appropraite, but don’t overplay the point or you will lose all contact.
Comment: In the eyes of God, there has only been one human without sin, and all sin is reprehensible. Thus it is for God to judge and for His Son to grant absolution. Does that mean blindly accept something immoral? No, that means realizing that we are ALL sinners and doing what we can to help each other be better. And also trusting in Him.
Final comment: What does all that mean w/r/t you going? I don’t know. Only you can answer that. I suggest you seek counsel from your priest (if he is a true man of the cloth), from others (like you did here), and from God through prayer. That said, I’m a flawed sinner just like the rest of us, so take what you will from this comment...
Take your prodigal son back. In the end it's all about love.
At least he had the courage to tell you and ask you to attend the “wedding”. That shows a definite level of trust and love he has for you. That is a very good start for what comes next. Lots of prayer, mostly for how you can deal with the situation and him.
I would recommend that you contact your son and that you attend the ceremony, no matter how difficult it is. He’s going to need you because gay relationships are notoriously unstable. He’s going to need a supportive family to deal with the heartbreak that is almost certainly coming down the pike. Pray for St Jude’s intercession. BTW, God still loves your son!
Attending the “wedding” IS accepting the sin. If he was an alcoholic would you meet him in a bar for a drink?
Why not make an appointment and go sit down and talk things over with your priest if you are a practicing Catholic? I’m a Catholic and a parent of grown children, and that is what I would do. I could write to Freerepublic and get a lot of ideas from a wide variety of people, but this is a political forum, and you are talking about your heart of hearts.
I am so sorry this is happening to your family. I hope you go to your priest and tell him what is happening. He should be able to help you navigate this and perhaps help you find some other parents who are people of faith in a similar situation.
I could not attend a gay ‘wedding’ because it is not a wedding in the eyes of God. It is a mockery of what I believe in. Your son knows this about your faith and yet he asked you. That is disrespectful to you. If you feel this way, you need to tell him as part of setting new boundies in your relationship. Yes, you will need to set new boundries with him. That’s where your priest and other parents will be able to help.
Good luck to you and prayers for your son.
I checked, too.
Praying for you and your family.
Take some wisdom from my mother “Love your children, no matter what stupid things they do”
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