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I am a Broken Man

Posted on 06/14/2010 1:48:57 PM PDT by savedbygrace

A few days ago, my wife suddenly, without forewarning that I ever detected, told me she is leaving me. The details are not important, only that I recognize it was mostly my fault.

Our grown daughter is leaving home about the same time. Within three weeks, I will be alone, with only my Golden Retriever as a companion. I'm calling on God, and he is answering, but in this physical world, it's only my Golden.

Heartbroken, deeply wounded, ashamed. That's me.

I'm hoping to receive words of advice and counsel. I'm a born again, spirit filled Christian, so I'll respond more readily to Christian-based advice and counsel, but I'm ready to accept whatever you have for me. I'm needy.


TOPICS: Miscellaneous
KEYWORDS: cowboyup; depression; divorce; sad
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To: savedbygrace
Having been through this twice (first time no warning; second time the marriage was difficult to bear, but there were two young children involved), I strongly suggest you go to amazon.com now and order "Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends." When you get the book, start working the program. I see there's a workbook that now accompanies the book -- it's probably worth getting. http://www.amazon.com/When-Your-Relationship-Bruce-Fisher/dp/1886230692/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1276548976&sr=1-1 The Catholic Church used to, and I'm assuming they still do, sponsor a program for divorced folks called New Beginnings, or something like that. It's a retreat, highly emotional, and very much worth while. If you are not Catholic (I'm not), do not allow the Church's sponsorship to prevent you from seeking this program out. There will be no attempt to force Catholicism on you, you will find out much about yourself, and you will meet great people who have suffered a fate similar to yours and are surviving. Also, get a good lawyer, and make sure you hire a court reporter each time you appear in court. Good healing.
51 posted on 06/14/2010 2:08:42 PM PDT by skookum55 (A natural-born US citizen since 1955.)
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To: savedbygrace

You are not broken, just dented. Been through it also.
It is better on this side. Do not dwell on the what was, look forward to the what is coming. Learn from your mistakes so you can leave your baggage behind. Do not have a new relationship for at least one year. You need to become yourself, not just someone’s husband or dad. If there is to be another person in your future, God will send them otherwise learn to appreciate yourself and your freedom. I do.


52 posted on 06/14/2010 2:09:22 PM PDT by The Shadow Knows
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To: savedbygrace
Within three weeks, I will be alone, with only my Golden Retriever as a companion.

It may not seem like it now, but you got the best part of the deal. Also heed the advice of those who tell you to get a good lawyer and protect your assets. Being Mr. Nice Guy will just bring you more grief. If you are the one leaving home get a legal separation first, otherwise she'll claim you abandoned her.

If this were an amicable breakup, I'd say otherwise, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

53 posted on 06/14/2010 2:09:24 PM PDT by Moonman62 (The issue of whether cheap labor makes America great should have been settled by the Civil War.)
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To: savedbygrace

Probably best to keep a close eye on the dog.


54 posted on 06/14/2010 2:10:21 PM PDT by UncleSam
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To: savedbygrace

Sorry, man. That sucks. I’m unfortunately low on advice for such a situation.

Read the Book of Job — my favorite book of the Bible, by the way — and stay strong. Job took a beating, but stood fast, and was rewarded in the end. There is a reason for everything. The night is always darkest just before the dawn.

Godspeed, good man.

SnakeDoc


55 posted on 06/14/2010 2:11:03 PM PDT by SnakeDoctor ("Shut it down" ... 00:00:03 ... 00:00:02 ... 00:00:01 ... 00:00:00.)
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To: Responsibility2nd

great advice.


56 posted on 06/14/2010 2:12:05 PM PDT by Trust but Verify
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To: savedbygrace

HE brought you to it...HE will see you through it.


57 posted on 06/14/2010 2:12:08 PM PDT by stylin19a (Never buy a putter until you first get a chance to throw it)
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To: savedbygrace

In the end, you’ll be OK.

But this is the moment, deep down in your heart of hearts that you know that O.J. Simpson did it.

The best revenge is to live well.


58 posted on 06/14/2010 2:12:46 PM PDT by Ouderkirk (Democrats...the party of Slavery, Segregation, Sodomy, and Sedition)
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To: savedbygrace

Prayers for you, I can sympathize...


59 posted on 06/14/2010 2:12:59 PM PDT by fieldmarshaldj (~"This is what happens when you find a stranger in the Amber Lamps !"~~)
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To: DallasDeb
My youngest son is now going through a similar situation. He's only 26 and is just short of his 2nd anniversary. He, too, blames himself for the situation, and he, too, has turned to God for guidance.

Your son will be fine and if I were you, I wouldn't blame him for making mistakes. Sure he made some mistakes but he's not the one who left his wife, right? Make sure your son has pride in himself and that he's aware of his good attributes.

Just before my 25th birthday, my ex-fiance dumped me suddenly. Didn't see that coming. But now I realized that I'm much better off without her. And yes, I'm only 26 as well. :-)

60 posted on 06/14/2010 2:13:37 PM PDT by MinorityRepublican
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To: savedbygrace

Sounds like another case of the wife cashing out and dumping the old guy after the kids are grown. I can tell you that she knew this was coming 2 years ago so she’s probably got all the cash she’s going to take, but close the accounts anyway. Same with the CC’s because you will end up paying the balance even if it grows before the divorce is final.

It takes on average 5 years for the husband to recover financially. But you will recover. You will go through a period here shortly where common sense goes out the window and you will be tempted to do nutty things...like follow her around, wonder what she’s up to, hack her emails. Well, this period will end after about 3 months and you have to try and get through it without doing something truly regrettable. You are going to grieve now. She did her grieving last year.

Stay in the house if at all possible. By leaving you give up a huge position. Keep any non-ordered maintenance as small as possible because this will be used as a foundation for any possible future maintenance. This is not the time to be generous with your money.

Life goes on.

Oh..I would suggest paying more cash in order to keep your retirement intact for yourself if possible.


61 posted on 06/14/2010 2:15:16 PM PDT by familyof5
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To: savedbygrace

go get “the love dare” and do it.


62 posted on 06/14/2010 2:17:31 PM PDT by dubie (The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.)
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To: savedbygrace
My father in law is alone. My MIL went out shopping a couple of years ago with a friend and disappeared. The two weren't found for six months. They had driven into a dry creek bed on an unused farm and expired due to exposure.

He was devastated. She was a minister and they were very active in church. They did everything together.

In the past two years he has had a transformation. He is out dating several women, travels alot, taken up new hobbies and is as bright and happy as could be. Of course he still has somber times but he has not just moved forward but has raced to the front.

Kind of like blues music. It is sad but it makes you happy.

Anyway, you'll have some down time but use it for introspection and think about the things that have made you happy these past few years.

Then go out and get some life!

63 posted on 06/14/2010 2:18:52 PM PDT by Bartholomew Roberts
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To: savedbygrace
For now, give yourself time to heal(from wifie), and enjoy your companion(woofie)

Then, when the time comes, find yourself a good women....

...then throw the TV out the window.

(No, I'm not kidding)

64 posted on 06/14/2010 2:20:15 PM PDT by RckyRaCoCo
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To: savedbygrace

Whatever you do, don’t play the hang-dog and give her everything. I’ve never met a divorced person who said, later, “I wish I had given him/her everything they wanted.” Instead, they regret not fighting for half of the house or whatever.

There’s a spiritual side to this where you must depend on God for comfort and direction, but there’s another side where you’ll have to make decisions about who gets what, parental visitation and so on. If you don’t feel you’re up to fighting for what is yours’, get an attorney who will do it for you.


65 posted on 06/14/2010 2:20:37 PM PDT by ChocChipCookie (God to Obama: Don't think I'm not keepin' track. Brother.)
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To: savedbygrace

I’m not sure you’re in the best position to determine, without forewarning, who did what to whom - or who caused what. Not at this point at any rate.

Without warning implies no counselling occurred, or is going to occur.

It isn’t over until the divorce papers are signed, and even then there’s ‘buyer’s remorse’ on the divorce and people end up being remarried.

Unless she’s dead, nothing is over until you’ve exhausted either your options or yourselves.

This sounds like it just happened. I’d go to a counsellor by yourself to start, and then see whether she’d be up to going sometime soon down the road.

My 2 cents at least. Keep praying is the other advice. I’d pray NOT for what you want, but for God to reveal His will and to give you the courage to carry it out.


66 posted on 06/14/2010 2:21:17 PM PDT by RinaseaofDs
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To: savedbygrace

The Golden is great news ... far less troublesome than a woman...

Try my attorney ,, he’s good .. the youtube link is a testimonial from one of his clients.

www.bettercallsaul.com

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M4LYA_bQJNg


67 posted on 06/14/2010 2:21:27 PM PDT by Neidermeyer
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To: UncleSam
Probably best to keep a close eye on the dog.

It is by no means a laughing matter, but that was funny right there.

I too was a broken man for a while. For a long while.

But eventually I got over it. My problem was I kept fighting against it, instead of just letting it go. Once I let go, everything is fine.

A lieutenant once said to me after my divorce, and this is a true quote:

My biggest fear when I was married was that my wife would leave me. My biggest fear after she left was that she would come back.

68 posted on 06/14/2010 2:21:31 PM PDT by 240B (he is doing everything he said he wouldn't and not doing what he said he would)
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To: savedbygrace

Had you made a gratitude list of the 10 things you were most grateful for last week, I’m certain you’re wife would have been one of the 10. Now that she’s decided to leave, focus on the other 9 items on the list.

Look at your feet, and the floor under them often. THAT is where you are. Do everything you can to live in the present moment. Not even God can change the past, and He has not revealed the future yet. Communicate with Him often.

Find something that interests you that involves working with others. Often when I feel that my life couldn’t get any worse, I listen to, then share my experience strength and hope with others who have it FAR worse than myself.

Having Faith means never having to ask why....

See my tagline


69 posted on 06/14/2010 2:21:52 PM PDT by highnoon (Not all miracles are gift-wrapped....)
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To: savedbygrace

Go be of service. WHatever it is, find a purpose. Get involved in something. Animal shelter, homeless shelter, old-folks home, etc. STAY OUT OF YOUR HEAD. Get active in your local church - one that has a lot of activities. Wednesday Bible study.

Don’t self indulge. That is what the enemy wants. In Christ we can walk thru ANYTHING. Other people will let us down. He will not.

Ask your estranged wife what you can do to help her. Do NOT have hate in your heart for her. Pray that she may find the Lord and peace and happiness. She obviously has neither at this moment. Her’s is the sad story here. She is still searching. She is the one who is being tormented.

You will come out better on the other side of this. Peace Brother.

(Also consider rescuing a companion for your Golden. The antics of multiple dogs will bring you cheer, and they will keep each other company while you are out being of service).


70 posted on 06/14/2010 2:22:45 PM PDT by Retired Greyhound
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To: savedbygrace

Just don’t waste 5 years of your life wallowing in self-pity like I did.


71 posted on 06/14/2010 2:22:59 PM PDT by Royal Wulff
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To: savedbygrace
Hey there. Sorry about this. The girl I thought I was going to marry left me when I went to grad school a few years ago. I was dead. Oddly enough, the following little passage got me through some real rough spots:

"How do you pick up the threads of an old life?
How do you go on when in your heart you begin to understand.
There is no going back.
There are some things that time cannot mend.
Some hurts go too deep.
That have taken hold.

My dear.
You cannot always be torn in two.
You have to be one and whole for many years.
You have so much to enjoy and to be and to do.
Because, your part in the journey goes on."

-LOTR: ROTK

Anyway, it helped me. Perspective is everything.

72 posted on 06/14/2010 2:23:02 PM PDT by thefactor (yes, as a matter of fact, i DID only read the excerpt)
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To: savedbygrace

You say that the “details are not important” and that you recognize it’s mostly your fault. If you were the cause of the breakup of your marriage and if you truly want a second chance then you need to fight for her. If you just want to feel sorry for yourself then that is your choice. Maybe she is waiting to see what kind of man you are and whether you are willing to make the sacrifices necessary to hang on to her. It’s just a suggestion. Good luck.


73 posted on 06/14/2010 2:23:15 PM PDT by toomanygrasshoppers ("In technical terminology, he's a loon")
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To: savedbygrace

“only that I recognize it was mostly my fault. “

First of all, that’s not true so stop saying that right now. It takes two. TWO!

Having been divorced TWICE (yes TWICE), here’s what I have to say. Please keep remembering that THIS IS TEMPORARY. The pain will never go away completely but it will diminish with time.

You are lucky to have your dog. Hooray! Go for a walk with your little furry pal - long walks every day. Do not watch sad stuff on TV or watch sad movies. Think of what makes you happy and do it (if it’s legal and won’t hurt anyone).

I noticed that you didn’t blame the other person. Good for you!! That just leads to more heartache.

Hold your head up high, FReeper pal. Others have gone before you and survived.

You will laugh again. Don’t let Satan trip you up. He’s a dang liar and the father of all lies. Trust Jesus Christ, our Best Friend in all the world.

You’ll make it; endure. That smile will return. You just wait and see.


74 posted on 06/14/2010 2:24:35 PM PDT by Saundra Duffy (For victory & freedom!!!)
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To: savedbygrace
Whatever you do, however lonely you get, don't, DON'T, ABSOLUTELY DON'T jump into a serious relationship with someone for a minimum of 1 year, preferably longer. It's too easy to convince yourself that this is the one or even that God is telling you that she is - all because you are very lonely.

If you feel yourself slipping into "serious" mode, run, don't walk away from that person. Explain why you are doing it, but DO IT. Then, after the year (or more) has passed, if you still want to see her, look her up.

Of course, during all this time, you should be doing a lot of praying, and don't forget the listening to God part. Also, never be afraid to ask God for that "wet fleece" of confirmation that you are hearing Him and not just hearing yourself.

75 posted on 06/14/2010 2:24:43 PM PDT by MEGoody (Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.)
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To: Royal Wulff

Amen brother.


76 posted on 06/14/2010 2:25:45 PM PDT by 240B (he is doing everything he said he wouldn't and not doing what he said he would)
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Comment #77 Removed by Moderator

To: savedbygrace

Hang in there. Don’t give up,,,ever. And as false friends fall away, your true ones will be there. PLEASE Stay involved in your congregation. You sound like a decent man sir,,


78 posted on 06/14/2010 2:27:53 PM PDT by DesertRhino (I was standing with a rifle, waiting for soviet paratroopers, but communists just ran for office)
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To: savedbygrace

Your post breaks my heart. You’ve gotten a lot of good advice on this thread, (and sadly, plenty of anti-woman remarks, which is typical of FR.) Anyway, I hope you take to heart the *good* advice. I will be among those praying earnestly for you. Hang in there. It will get better.


79 posted on 06/14/2010 2:27:58 PM PDT by Nea Wood (Silly liberal . . . paychecks are for workers!)
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To: savedbygrace
Your experience sounds like mine after 26 years of marriage.

The event was fourteen years ago. It struck me harder than anything else that has ever occurred.

I will make some suggestions:

Pick up this book
http://www.amazon.com/Psalms-Lament-Ann-Weems/dp/0664220746
It is called Psalms of Lament by Ann Weems. You will need to learn how to Lament to grieve and grow. This book will explain that lamentation as done in the Psalms has a solid Old Testament foundation and how it differs from other prayers and why.

The next suggestion is don't do things in your divorce that you will regret later. Protect yourself, get a lawyer but don't be vindictive and vile. You want to sit in church with that side of the family when that daughter gets married or when grandchildren come along and bad faith on your wife's part does not require such actions by you.

The third thing is do not project or plan a future or outcome to your immediate issue of divorce or your future life in general. If your next year or two is like mine, God may grant you gifts that you cannot imagine with nothing but good honest care and conduct as your only necessary input.

Share with those you trust your immediate daily challenges and be open. Don't do things just because a buddy suggests it but be open to the support of your freinds and family -- but you have to ask for that support.

After a year of hell, I find myself, another thirteen years later, happily married with a wonderful marriage I couldn't have imagined or even understood at the time.

I thought my life was finished as far as new beginnings, joy and wonder and instead I found that the Lord could work in ways I had not imagined. I lost everything I had virtually and now consider myself well off after the passage of time.

Lament, take the high road and trust in your own good actions from this day forward and trust the Lord.

80 posted on 06/14/2010 2:28:03 PM PDT by KC Burke
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To: savedbygrace
Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.

What we have to say is not as important right now, as what God has to say. Read your Bible, and Pray...
Many of us have been there brother... Draw close to God because right now you will learn more than you have ever learned before. I promise.
81 posted on 06/14/2010 2:29:02 PM PDT by j_guru
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To: savedbygrace

Head up....your not the first to be treated in such a way.

Been there, done that.

Remember, it was HER choice, not yours.

Women have all the power in a relationship.

Time to recover your power.

Best of luck to you.


82 posted on 06/14/2010 2:29:46 PM PDT by glasseye
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To: savedbygrace
a) There is plenty of excellent advice here..Every bit of it can be used.
b) Your wife or soon to be ex is still alive....there may be a chance for forgiveness on all sides and repair...if not go to God.
c) My heart goes out to you. When my wife died Nov 2001 Freepers gave me some of the best advice I have ever had.
83 posted on 06/14/2010 2:30:20 PM PDT by vetvetdoug
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To: savedbygrace

very sorry to hear this.


84 posted on 06/14/2010 2:31:49 PM PDT by ronniesgal ( I miss George Bush. Hell, I miss Bill Clinton!!)
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To: The Shadow Knows
Good advise, I wasn't divorced but became a widow in my 50th year. Dated once, that was enough, I knew I would spend the rest of my life as a single and I wouldn't change that for anything..I think some people were just meant to be alone. Have had several dogs in the past, and indoor aviary and raised finches, and great kids and grandkids...

I think some people were just not meant to be alone, therefore, lots of divorces...always looking for something and its right inside of them...solitude can be a beautiful thing.

85 posted on 06/14/2010 2:31:58 PM PDT by goat granny
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To: savedbygrace

Also, do not try to reconcile. Once it is done, never, ever go back. Ask William Hetherington how that worked out for him.


86 posted on 06/14/2010 2:32:08 PM PDT by Ouderkirk (Democrats...the party of Slavery, Segregation, Sodomy, and Sedition)
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To: savedbygrace

Ecclesiastes 3
A Time for Everything
1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:

2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,

3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,

4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,

5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,

7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,

8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

9 What does the worker gain from his toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on men. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 12 I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. 13 That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God. 14 I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him.

15 Whatever is has already been,
and what will be has been before;
and God will call the past to account. [a]


87 posted on 06/14/2010 2:32:20 PM PDT by paudio (Are you better off today than in 2006, when the Democrats took over the Congress?)
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To: savedbygrace
The longer I live, the more I appreciate the company of my cats.

Animals will never steal from you, lie to you, or try to harm you. Whatever you give your animals, you get back from them.
88 posted on 06/14/2010 2:33:01 PM PDT by Nepeta
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To: savedbygrace

No chance at getting your wife to agree to counseling?


89 posted on 06/14/2010 2:37:03 PM PDT by ShandaLear (The price of Obamacare? 30 pieces of silver.)
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To: B-Chan

You know, sometimes people take a few minutes to vent or expose their being. There’s no need to beat him up over it. No doubt he’ll get his life straightened out. Where’s your compassion?


90 posted on 06/14/2010 2:39:32 PM PDT by InvisibleChurch (Bob Dylan sez : What looks large from a distance, close up is never that big.)
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To: MinorityRepublican

#60: Thanks, I’ll pass it on. I don’t judge him or blame him, but he has shared some of the things that were wrong. She, however, has not handled it in a way that was healthy, either. I am very proud of him. He is back living with me, but he’s learned so much the past several months, that he is a different man from the one who left home 2 years ago. I am very proud of how he is handling this.


91 posted on 06/14/2010 2:41:52 PM PDT by DallasDeb (USAFA '06 Mom)
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To: savedbygrace

Talk to a therapist of some kind and explore what the issues were in the marriage so you can avoid making the same mistakes. Don’t get remarried for a long time.


92 posted on 06/14/2010 2:41:54 PM PDT by The Worthless Miracle (I will not gird my loins for Joe Biden.)
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To: InvisibleChurch
Compassion? For a guy who by his own admission has wrecked his marriage and destroyed his family? He doesn't need "compassion", Dr. Joyce Brothers, he needs a boot in the ass.

If he was the innocent victim of a callous woman, he'd get my compassion. But he isn't, and he told us that right up front. I save my compassion for innocent people who get screwed, not for those who do the screwing.

Threads like this are just more proof that few real conservatives remain on FR.

93 posted on 06/14/2010 2:43:47 PM PDT by B-Chan (Catholic. Monarchist. Texan. Any questions?)
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To: savedbygrace

Today upon a bus I saw
A lovely maid with golden hair
I envied her - she seemed so gay-
And oh, I wished I were so fair,
When suddenly she rose to leave,
I saw her hobble down the aisle;
She had one foot and wore a crutch,
But as she passed, a smile,
Oh God, forgive me when I whine,
I have two feet - the world is mine.

And when I stopped to buy some sweets,
The lad who served me had such charm
He seemed to radiate good cheer,
His manner was so kind and warm.
I said, “It’s nice to deal with you,
Such courtesy I seldom find.”
He turned and said, “Oh, thank you, sir!”
And then I saw that he was blind.
Oh, God, forgive me when I whine,
I have two eyes- the world is mine.

Then when walking down the street,
I saw a child with eyes of blue,
He stood and watched the others play;
It seemed he knew not what to do;
I stopped a moment, then I said,
“Why don’t you join the others, dear?”
He looked ahead without a word,
And then I knew: He could not hear.
Oh, God, forgive me when I whine,
I have two ears,- the world is mine.

With feet to take where I’d go,
With eyes to see the sunset’s glow,
With ears to hear what I would know,
Oh, God, forgive me when I whine.
I’m blessed indeed; the world is mine;


94 posted on 06/14/2010 2:44:22 PM PDT by TSgt (We will always be prepared, so we may always be free. - Ronald Reagan)
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To: ShandaLear

If you were one of my buddies I would tell you to quit whining, go out and get laid, come home, pet your dog and enjoy a quiet moment. Go to the fridge and drink milk out of the carton, belch...go sit down in your favorite easy chair and pass gas.. But I don’t know you so I won’t give you that advice....


95 posted on 06/14/2010 2:47:27 PM PDT by RVN Airplane Driver ("To be born into freedom is an accident; to die in freedom is an obligation..)
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To: savedbygrace
only that I recognize it was mostly my fault.

Use the past for learning and information.Learn from your mistakes.

96 posted on 06/14/2010 2:50:08 PM PDT by mjp (pro-{God, reality, reason, egoism, individualism, independence, limited government, capitalism})
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To: savedbygrace
Sounds like you messed up. Ask God to help you and then try to restore your relationship. Be prepared to accept that it may be truly over. Talk with your children if you haven't already since they may have additional insight as to what you need to do.

If it's over then straighten your act out, be a man and move on to experience life adventures that are waiting for you (www.PlentyofFish.com). Don't get serious to fast and don't drown yourself in a new relationship before you learn to swim in the ocean.

97 posted on 06/14/2010 2:57:45 PM PDT by Errant
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To: RVN Airplane Driver

I am sure this wasn’t meant for me. :-)


98 posted on 06/14/2010 3:03:53 PM PDT by ShandaLear (The price of Obamacare? 30 pieces of silver.)
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To: Retired Greyhound; savedbygrace
(Also consider rescuing a companion for your Golden. The antics of multiple dogs will bring you cheer, and they will keep each other company while you are out being of service).

See, that's two votes for "another dog."

99 posted on 06/14/2010 3:05:03 PM PDT by A_perfect_lady (I can see November from my house.)
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Comment #100 Removed by Moderator


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