Skip to comments.DUmmie FUnnies 07-02-11 ("Do you subject potential romantic partners to a litmus test?")
Posted on 07/02/2011 4:50:33 PM PDT by Charles Henrickson
"Another Saturday night, and I ain't got nobody. . . ." What's a DUmmie to do? How do you find that special someone? Someone to share a magical evening of watching Cenk Uygur repeats, blowing a bong, and munching Doritos? Ah, to be young and in love!
Dating for DUmmies is the subject of this THREAD, "Do you subject potential romantic partners to a litmus test?"
So let us take a trip down the Tunnel of Lib, in Romantic Red, while the commentary of your humble guest correspondent, Charles Henrickson, wondering if DUmmie stevenumbers ever found a date who would take public transit with him, is in the [brackets]:
Do you subject potential romantic partners to a litmus test?
[Since we're talking DUmmies, I think I'd test first for Hepatitis C.]
I never used to, but I have become stricter and stricter in my standards over the years.
[I didn't used to, but now I INSIST upon animate mammals!]
I relaxed my standards a few years ago and entered a relationship with a Believer (a moderately devout Christian). . . . His so-called "progressive" views really cloaked a closet conservative. And, he wasted oceans of my precious time trying to persuade me to believe in a god.
I knew my husband was The One when I found out he was a DUer. I was nervous about entering the relationship. When I expressed doubts, he directed me to his blog, with links to DU and Rude Pundit. This atheist found heaven.
[What Gaia hath joined together, let no man put asunder.]
Share your stories, brothers and sisters?
As long as she doesn't have crabs, all is well.
[No LOUSY CREEPER ROLL!!!]
And a torso attached to the head. That's important.
[A torso and more so!]
any potential mate is immediately disqualified for using the phrase "litmus test".
[OK, what about "Fitzmas test"?]
When I still dated I wanted a nonsmoker, someone who did not want to have children and someone who either was a Democrat or willing to become one.
[Good thing you Democrats do not want to reproduce.]
At my age and lack of aesthetic qualities I'd settle for a pulse and no recent felony convictions.
[John Edwards, off you go!]
I wouldn't get involved with a religious fundamentalist of any persuasion; a smoker; a right-winger; a libertarian; or anyone who doesn't like cats.
[Cats, good. Dogma, bad.]
You'd have to have a sense of humor to hang out with me.
[Or else be really, really stoned.]
They must have 3 things
A job, because I cant support you
A car, because I'm not driving your ass around
A place to live, cause they're not moving in here
[The three things they must have are a job, a car, a place to live . . . and an almost fanatical devotion to the DUmp. . . . The FOUR . . . no . . . AMONGST the things. . . .]
I married at 29...to a guy who was good looking, loving, honest, atheist, progressive and wanted children. So check, check, check, check, check, check.
[Check MATE! An atheist progressive like that is a godsend!]
Anyone who's going to be more than a casual date must survive (cue dramatic music) an evening meal with our family.
[Arugula whole-grain pizza, readings from Trotsky, and the various Wiccan rituals--if the guy can make it through that, he's on the way!]
I seem to remember one boyfriend abandoning ship after my other sister's impression of a French cow being hung for witchcraft and no, I don't remember how we got on that topic.
[Must have been the Wiccan rituals. Or the French vanilla soy ice cream.]
I'm marrying a man from Europe!
[Does he have a French cow?]
Where I live in Central NJ there aren't a lot of men on the Left. So this gem popped up a couple of years ago and he's just as liberal as can be. The only argument we had was the night we met - he thought it was Fair that American's gas prices were going up. I pointed out to him that we also pay for astronomical health care. He threw up his hands and said, "I take it back!". Match made in heaven. And he knows that if he ever votes Republican it's grounds for divorce!
[America sucks! Blest be the tie that binds!]
when I was young and stupid: as long as they were breathing I was just fine with that.
when I was merely young and moderately stupid: they had to be breathing and pay attention to what was being said.
when I was technically still young and was experiencing the dawning of a glimpse of a clue: They had to be breathing, could at least have one thing in common and had a reason to live.
when I was no longer young but still believed I was and thought I had a clue, but actually didn't: They had to be breathing, have a few things in common and not only had a reason to live but started supporting that concept with action.
when I was no longer young and finally stopped pretending I was and it dawned on me that while I might be getting a clue, it was the wrong clue: They had to be breathing, more than a few things in common, able to hold a conversation and had a passion for something.
when I was not young anymore and understood that I was an adult (whether I liked it or not) and the clue I thought I once had turned out to be an illusion: they had to be breathing, we shared some interests, no only had conversations, but conversations on topics that mattered and had not only a passion but actually pursued that passion as a career.
When I was finally an adult (mostly on paper but still not in mind) and my past illusions of life and the clues I thought I had seem to shift and change as I began to see life for the reality it actually is: They still had to be breathing, we saw eye to eye on many an important topic, had wonderful conversations about impassioned topics that effected our lives directly and passionately worked toward making those concepts a reality.
Now, as I am middle aged and while my young thoughts are still there, I look upon them as wonderful memories, my past illusions and clues about life have given away to reality of the stress of coming old age. I see the path of humanity laid out before me as a struggle of passion, art and peace: the person in my life while still needs to be breathing, no only shares that passion but shares it willingly with love and without question. We embrace life, cast away the frivolousness of wasted energy and concentrate on making a better world.
Do I have a clue yet?
Even if you meet all the other requirements, those who work in low-status jobs such as custodian are Untouchables, even in "Liberal" dating sites. DUer or not. Wealth and power = appeal, and higher "class" makes many overlook more idealistic considerations. I've seen it a hundred times. Some sites even state a minimum income reflecting the pay grade of a dentist or radiologist.
[Dating is above this DUmmie's pay grade.]
For some reason, custodians love me.
[If you don't leave a slime trail like a slug, they appreciate that.]
Almost every one has hit on me, despite the prominence of my wedding ring, or the periods during which I was very overweight.
[Maybe you were blocking out the sun and they wanted you to move.]
Chemistry can happen between the oddest couples.
[There's a lid for every pot, pot for every DUmmie, and better living through chemistry.]
I guess he has to have a working penis. Beyond that, most everything is negotiable.
[benburch is not picky.]
I have dated a few men...but only after ascertaining their politics. . . . My partner right now is a die-hard Democrat, pro-union, pro-gay marriage, pro-legalization. . . .
[Be sure he uses a pro-phylactic.]
If they turn red, I know they're an acid!
[The litmus test for Rethuglicans.]
one of those right wingers and I got friendly. . . . He's also funny and makes me laugh till I cry. He's very much a gentleman, and I love that. . . . However, recently I've been noticing things that I think I won't be able to deal with. For example, he believes many of the homeless are 'lazy,' he thinks free trade is great 'in the long run' . . . and he thinks that increasing the taxes of the rich and corporations to pre-Reagan rates is very bad for the country. . . . I really like this right wing guy. Granted, I wouldn't be with him if I'd met some liberals and lefties. However, I don't know what to do.
[Read my lips: NO LOW TAXES! DUmp him!]
You know, you and I should start our own dating website for liberals. Maybe that way we'll meet some really nice liberal men.
[Grab your lamp, Miss Diogenes, and start searching.]
Is it a lot to ask to find a nice liberal guy, not too religious, very family oriented, very funny? The way I keep not finding any liberal men, you'd think I were asking for the moon.
[You'll have to settle for a moonbat.]
I want to know why it's so difficult to find liberal men. Where are they all?? I see them on here. I hear about them on TV. Where the heck are they hiding?
[They're all 300 pounds and posting from mom's basement.]
I found my guy at a Unitarian Universalist church. . . . Full of liberal atheists who want the community of a church without the dogma.
[The U-Us are the non-alcoholic beer of religion.]
Right wingers are like ants, they're an infestation. . . .
[DUmmies are like ants! They're our personal Ant Farm!]
I never dated a man who didn't share my four loves: sports, politics, beaches and animals.
[And abortion. Amongst my loves are such elements as sports, politics. . . . I'll come in again.]
I hate people who don't live within their means. . . . I have never dated a right winger. I seriously hate them. . . .
[DUmmie malaise gets the Unintentional Irony Award.]
It is very important for my romantic partners to have a neutral pH. I also hear that proper pH balance is very important with respect to proper selection of underarm deodorant.
[Democratic Underarm. But do DUmmies actually *use* deodorant?]
DU should have a dating forum...
[New worlds to conquer, Skinner! Go for it! DUmmie FUnnies may even pay you!]
Yes. With one simple word and it's a whole new thing. And thanks.
But over at the DUmmie Ant Farm, sometimes it's just all so easy. The jokes (and mocking and songs) write themselves.
Into the top 50 like a snail riding a bottle rocket!
This one is hilarious. A litmus test for gay marriage indeed.
Yeah. I dip them in alkaline and they turn one color. I dip them in acid and they turn another color.
Well, they say that all of the good men are either married or gay.
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