Posted on 03/03/2012 3:29:56 PM PST by pingman
I'll start:
How is a marriage like a deck of cards?
You start out with two hearts and a diamond, but after awhile you're looking for a club and a spade.
(rimshot!)
Last night my neighbor knocked on my door at 2:00 in the morning! Lucky for him I was still up playing my accordion.
Pilot jokes:
Q. How do you know there’s a pilot in the room?
A. He’ll tell everyone.
A very distraught young lady told the police that a pilot raped her. When the detective interviewed her, his first question was, “What airline was he with?”
“I don’t know,” she replied, “He didn’t say.”
Then the detective asked, “What did his uniform look like?”
“I never saw his uniform. He was naked.”
“Then how can you be sure he was a pilot?”
“He was wearing a big watch, had a small d*** and wouldn’t stop talking about himself.”
A hip-hop act is about to go on stage when the bass player starts yelling at the drummer and a fist fight ensues. Their manager rushes in, breaks it up, and yells, “What the hell is this about? You’re on in five minutes!”
“This clown de-tuned one of my strings!”
The manager says, “So what’s the problem? These practical jokes happen all the time, just re-tune your bass.”
The bassist replies, “I would, but the SOB refused to tell me which one!”
Bump
Buddy was talking to a friend of his at lunch and mentioned that his wife was eating for two now.
His friend smiled at him and said Congratulations!
First guy say “What for? I didn’t say she was pregnant.”
A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender scowls at them and says, “Is this some kind of joke?”
What’s the difference between a whore and a cheap slutfluke?
The whore works the cost of her birth control into her product price.
You are welcome.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: one to climb the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, silly!
Californians screw in hot tubs, not light bulbs.
...too funny! I think I know this guy... LOL
Do you know what they call a medieval masturbater? ................a pounding serf
My wife wanted me to give her 12 inches and make it hurt so i did it 3 times and hit her with my shoe
look at naked wimmen
Yeah and that slut say every time i have sex my asprins
Well, since we’ve already crossed the Rubicon, I guess I’m safe sharing a variant on the old “yo mama so fat” jokes: “Yo mama so fat she don’t have love handles, she got a roll bar,” lol.
He once said, at the American Book Awards, “He who underestimates the intelligence of the American people will never go home.” It was reported in the press that he said it the original H. L. Mencken way, which isn’t even an accurate quote. The word “American” wasn’t in there. L.
A conservative, a moderate, and a liberal walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Good evening, Governor Romney.”
A guy walks into a bar that is on the top floor of a posh casino in Vegas. He walks over to the bar and sits next to a guy who has obviously had a few too many. The drunk guy looks over and slurs, did yoou know they serve maagic beer here?
The sober guy asks, what kind of magic? The drunk guy tells him, the kind that lets yoou be able to flyy. So he asks the bartender to get his new friend one of the magic beers he’s been drinking.
Really, I’ve got to see this. So the drunk guy goes over, opens a window and jumps out, only to fly back into the window a moment later. So the sober guy, knowing what he just saw was amazing, downs the beer, walks over and jumps out the window.
The bartender looks at the drunk guy and says, Superman, you can be a real jerk when you’re drunk.
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