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With all the crap flying around in the world today, wouldn't this be a good time for a Joke Thread?
The depths of my evil mind | March 3rd | Me, myself & I

Posted on 03/03/2012 3:29:56 PM PST by pingman

I'll start:

How is a marriage like a deck of cards?

You start out with two hearts and a diamond, but after awhile you're looking for a club and a spade.

(rimshot!)


TOPICS: Chit/Chat; Humor
KEYWORDS: haha; hahathread; humor; jokes; jokethread
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Enough of Afghanistan, Fluke's birth control pills, Rush's horrid word choice, and liberal panties in a wad news!

Saturday night is for humor, tawdry or not.

1 posted on 03/03/2012 3:30:04 PM PST by pingman
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To: pingman

I knew a woman that was so fridge every time she spread her legs a little light came on


2 posted on 03/03/2012 3:31:59 PM PST by al baby (Hi Mom)
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To: pingman

Lol. But if I ever get married, God forbid that my marriage should turn out like that.... Sad that it is like that for many, though... :-(


3 posted on 03/03/2012 3:33:10 PM PST by DeoVindiceSicSemperTyrannis
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To: pingman

Do you know why they don’t let the blind skydive

Scares the hell out of the dogs


4 posted on 03/03/2012 3:33:18 PM PST by al baby (Hi Mom)
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To: al baby

Tawdry!


5 posted on 03/03/2012 3:33:33 PM PST by pingman (Durn tootin'; I like Glock shootin'!)
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To: al baby

I can use that one!


6 posted on 03/03/2012 3:34:58 PM PST by pingman (Durn tootin'; I like Glock shootin'!)
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To: pingman
I haven't spoken to my wife in over three months...we're not fighting, I just don't like to interrupt.

The last time I golfed I only hit two good balls all day...and THAT was when I stepped on a rake in the sand trap!

Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac? He stayed awake all night wondering if there really IS a dog.

A baby seal walks into a club...

7 posted on 03/03/2012 3:35:22 PM PST by gorush (History repeats itself because human nature is static)
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To: pingman

Well, I went to the Dr’s the other day and he asked me if I have been thinking about ways to help prevent memory loss because I am almost 50 years old now. I said, “ I don’t know Dr. I can’t remember.”


8 posted on 03/03/2012 3:35:32 PM PST by fabian (" And a new day will dawn for those who stand long, and the forests will echo with laughter")
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To: pingman

Story from a Minnesota State Trooper:

I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding MN State Highway 210 at Mile Marker 197 just East of McGregor, MN. I asked for her driver’s license, registration, and proof of insurance.

The lady took out the required information and handed it to me. In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to see she had a Conceal Carry Permit. I looked at her and asked if she had a weapon in her possession at this time.

She responded that she indeed had a .45 semi-automatic in her glove box. Something…body language, or the way she said it…made me want to ask if she had any other firearms.

She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console. Now I had to ask one more time if that was all. She responded once again that she did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse. I then asked her what was she so afraid of.

She looked me right in the eye and said, “Not a f****** thing!”


9 posted on 03/03/2012 3:35:56 PM PST by bigheadfred
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To: pingman

I am all for humor any day of the week but Rush was Right!


10 posted on 03/03/2012 3:37:03 PM PST by Ditter
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To: pingman
Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

A: A Doberman.

11 posted on 03/03/2012 3:37:51 PM PST by Oberon (Big Brutha Be Watchin'.)
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To: Ditter

His sin was having the temerity to speak the truth.


12 posted on 03/03/2012 3:39:45 PM PST by pingman (Durn tootin'; I like Glock shootin'!)
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To: pingman

Do you know what made Bud Weiser?

His wife came home with Schlitz in her pants.......bodaboom!


13 posted on 03/03/2012 3:40:17 PM PST by basil (It's time to rid the country of "gun free zones" aka "Killing Fields")
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To: Oberon

How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?

One but you have to slice him very thin.


14 posted on 03/03/2012 3:41:02 PM PST by Beowulf9
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To: gorush
A baby seal goes into a bar. The bartender says "What'll you have?"

The seal says "Anything but the Canadian Club."

15 posted on 03/03/2012 3:41:06 PM PST by Oberon (Big Brutha Be Watchin'.)
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To: pingman

Overheard in the honeymoon suite at the local Nursing Home:

“No...I said I had ACUTE ANGINA!”


16 posted on 03/03/2012 3:41:18 PM PST by C. Edmund Wright
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To: pingman

Did you hear about the blond who got an AM radio?

It was a month before she learned she could play it at night!


17 posted on 03/03/2012 3:41:18 PM PST by pingman (Durn tootin'; I like Glock shootin'!)
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To: pingman

18 posted on 03/03/2012 3:41:49 PM PST by DeoVindiceSicSemperTyrannis
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To: pingman
Oldest and shortest poem

Fleas
Adam had’em

19 posted on 03/03/2012 3:43:33 PM PST by mountainlion (I am voting for Sarah after getting screwed again by the DC Thugs.)
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To: pingman
Beware Darth Kitteh


20 posted on 03/03/2012 3:44:20 PM PST by DeoVindiceSicSemperTyrannis
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To: pingman

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two.
But they must be small mice...


21 posted on 03/03/2012 3:44:44 PM PST by ctdonath2 ($1 meals: http://abuckaplate.blogspot.com/)
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To: pingman

All my best jokes are “musician’s” jokes. Can’t tell them here, cuz I’d be instantly banned!


22 posted on 03/03/2012 3:44:44 PM PST by Dr. Bogus Pachysandra ( Ya can't pick up a turd by the clean end!)
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To: pingman

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.
The 6 year old asks, “You know what? I think, it’s about time we started learning to cuss.” The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues,”When we go in for breakfast, I’m gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass.”
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, “Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.
WHACK!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,slapping his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, “You can stay there until I let you out!”
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?”
“I don’t know,” he blubbers, “but you can bet your ass it won’t be Cheerios!”


23 posted on 03/03/2012 3:45:26 PM PST by SWAMPSNIPER (The Second Amendment, a Matter of Fact, Not a Matter of Opinion)
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To: pingman

MATH QUIZ: Reveals your favorite movie!!

I am very good at math, so I did it in my head, then on paper, and finally
on a calculator just to confirm my numerical capabilities.

Each time I got the same answer, and sure enough it IS my very favorite
movie EVER.

DO NOT cheat and scroll down to the movies. Do YOUR math, THEN compare the
results to the list of movies at the bottom

You will be AMAZED at how scary true and accurate this test is

1. Pick a number from 1-9.

2. Multiply by 3.

3. Add 3.

4. Multiply by 3 again.

5. Now add the two digits of your answer together to find your favorite
movie (of all time) in the list of 17 movies below:

Movie List:

1. Gone With the Wind
2. E.T.
3. Blazing Saddles
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Obama Farewell Speech of 2012
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders of the Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire

Now, isn’t that something?


24 posted on 03/03/2012 3:45:47 PM PST by onona (Dicky Betts is one ramblin man !)
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To: pingman

TEXAS RANCHER

An 80-year-old Texas Rancher goes to the Mayo clinic in Rochester for a check-up.

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, ‘How do You stay in such great physical condition?’

‘I’m from Texas and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish says the old guy, ‘and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up well before daylight riding herd and mending fences and when I’m not doing that, I’m out hunting or fishing. In the evening, I have a beer and all is well.’

‘Well’ says the doctor, ‘I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?’

‘Who said my father’s dead?’

The doctor is amazed. ‘You mean you’re 80 years old and your father’s still alive? How old is he?’

‘He’s 100 years old,’ says the old Texan. ‘In fact he worked with and hunted with me this morning, and then we went to the topless bar for a while and had a little beer and that’s why he’s still alive. He’s a Texas rancher and he’s a hunter and fisherman too.’

‘Well,’ the doctor says, ‘that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to it than that. How about your father’s father? How old was he when he died?’

‘Who said my Grandpa’s dead?’

Stunned, the doctor asks, ‘you mean you’re 80 years old and your grandfather’s’ still alive?’

‘He’s 118 years old,’ says the man

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, ‘So, I guess he went hunting with you this morning too?’

‘No, Grandpa couldn’t go this morning because he’s getting married today.’

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. ‘Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?’

‘Who said he wanted to?’


25 posted on 03/03/2012 3:46:08 PM PST by Cowgirl of Justice
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To: Beowulf9
A nurse told me this one:

Q: What's twelve inches long and hangs in front of an a$$?

A: A stethoscope.

26 posted on 03/03/2012 3:46:14 PM PST by Oberon (Big Brutha Be Watchin'.)
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To: ctdonath2

Took me a moment! Ha!


27 posted on 03/03/2012 3:47:55 PM PST by pingman (Durn tootin'; I like Glock shootin'!)
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To: Dr. Bogus Pachysandra

Musician jokes? I’ll start.

“How do you get a guitar player off your front porch?
Pay him for the pizza.”


28 posted on 03/03/2012 3:48:24 PM PST by CFIIIMEIATP737
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To: pingman

Never criticize someone until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes. That way, when you criticize him, you’ll be a mile away and you’ll have his shoes.


29 posted on 03/03/2012 3:48:36 PM PST by Leroy S. Mort
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To: onona

Wow! Exactly.

I was going to say I never heard of that movie that is listed as # 9 and then I realized.

IT IS MY FAVORITE!


30 posted on 03/03/2012 3:50:02 PM PST by Beowulf9
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To: pingman

ok... how about this...

A 31 year old political activist walks into a bar and says she is a broke 23 year old slut...

Oh wait..


31 posted on 03/03/2012 3:50:58 PM PST by mnehring
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To: pingman
Two blondes are out walking in the park.
One of them says, "Look, a dead bird!".
The other one looks up in the sky and goes, "Where, where?!".

32 posted on 03/03/2012 3:51:12 PM PST by BitWielder1 (Corporate Profits are better than Government Waste)
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To: pingman

This youtube video is pretty funny.

Man apologizes to policeman.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2rv9b-9qBIc


33 posted on 03/03/2012 3:53:39 PM PST by Cowgirl of Justice
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To: SWAMPSNIPER

I love that! Sounds like my upbringing; Mom was a Navy LtCdr.


34 posted on 03/03/2012 3:53:56 PM PST by pingman (Durn tootin'; I like Glock shootin'!)
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To: pingman

What did Batman say to Robin before they got into the Batmobile?


35 posted on 03/03/2012 3:55:31 PM PST by Sgt_Schultze (A half-truth is a complete lie)
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To: bigheadfred

I like that one.


36 posted on 03/03/2012 3:55:57 PM PST by SuzyQue
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To: C. Edmund Wright
“No...I said I had ACUTE ANGINA!”

To which the old man said, "boy I hope so - cuz them's the ugliest t-ts I've ever seen...."

37 posted on 03/03/2012 3:56:42 PM PST by C. Edmund Wright
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To: pingman

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, Six should be enough.


38 posted on 03/03/2012 3:57:00 PM PST by bigheadfred
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To: pingman

A hooded robber burst into a Texas Bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber’s face. The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The Robber yelled, “Well, did anyone else see my face?”

There are a few moments of utter silence, in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak.

Then one old man tentatively raised his hand and said, “My wife got a good look at you.”


39 posted on 03/03/2012 3:57:31 PM PST by Dogbert41 ("...or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the Great King. " -Jesus)
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To: pingman

http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v244/tsiya/?action=view&current=Kleptomaniac.mp4


40 posted on 03/03/2012 3:57:31 PM PST by SWAMPSNIPER (The Second Amendment, a Matter of Fact, Not a Matter of Opinion)
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To: pingman

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.


41 posted on 03/03/2012 3:57:56 PM PST by Winstons Julia (Hello OWS? We don't need a revolution like China's; China needs a revolution like OURS.)
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To: mountainlion

Once upon a time there was a young girl and boy who were hopelessly in love.
The boy asked the girl, “Will you marry me?”
The girl said, “No.”

And they lived happily ever after.


42 posted on 03/03/2012 3:58:17 PM PST by mkleesma (`Call to me, and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.')
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To: pingman
Okay, musician joke:

Why do bagpipers always walk back and forth while they're playing?
It's harder to hit a moving target.

43 posted on 03/03/2012 3:58:23 PM PST by BitWielder1 (Corporate Profits are better than Government Waste)
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To: Cowgirl of Justice

Here is another short youtube video. If you like dogs, you will love this. And if you are a muscian, you will especially love this. (It is not a joke but the first time I saw this, I laughed until I cried.)

Dog Loves Guitar

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=KBluUZ4NnZg


44 posted on 03/03/2012 3:58:28 PM PST by Cowgirl of Justice
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To: onona

My mom the mathematician is chuckling in her grave. Thanks!


45 posted on 03/03/2012 3:59:09 PM PST by pingman (Durn tootin'; I like Glock shootin'!)
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To: Sgt_Schultze

“get in the car.”


46 posted on 03/03/2012 3:59:37 PM PST by Sgt_Schultze (A half-truth is a complete lie)
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To: pingman


47 posted on 03/03/2012 4:00:03 PM PST by death2tyrants
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To: ctdonath2

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two.
But they must be small mice...
______________________________

OOOOKKKKAY.

Could you spell this out for me.

Very blond chickensoup


48 posted on 03/03/2012 4:00:19 PM PST by Chickensoup (In the 20th century 200 million people were killed by their own governments.)
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To: ctdonath2

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two.
But they must be small mice...
______________________________

OOOOKKKKAY.

Could you spell this out for me.

________________________

Wait, just got it...

Funny!

Very blond chickensoup


49 posted on 03/03/2012 4:01:13 PM PST by Chickensoup (In the 20th century 200 million people were killed by their own governments.)
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To: Chickensoup

How small would the mice have to be to commit a physical act inside a lightbulb?


50 posted on 03/03/2012 4:03:20 PM PST by MHGinTN (Being deceived can be cured.)
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