Skip to comments.With all the crap flying around in the world today, wouldn't this be a good time for a Joke Thread?
Posted on 03/03/2012 3:29:56 PM PST by pingman
How is a marriage like a deck of cards?
You start out with two hearts and a diamond, but after awhile you're looking for a club and a spade.
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
But they must be small mice...
All my best jokes are “musician’s” jokes. Can’t tell them here, cuz I’d be instantly banned!
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.
The 6 year old asks, “You know what? I think, it’s about time we started learning to cuss.” The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues,”When we go in for breakfast, I’m gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass.”
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, “Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,slapping his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, “You can stay there until I let you out!”
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?”
“I don’t know,” he blubbers, “but you can bet your ass it won’t be Cheerios!”
MATH QUIZ: Reveals your favorite movie!!
I am very good at math, so I did it in my head, then on paper, and finally
on a calculator just to confirm my numerical capabilities.
Each time I got the same answer, and sure enough it IS my very favorite
DO NOT cheat and scroll down to the movies. Do YOUR math, THEN compare the
results to the list of movies at the bottom
You will be AMAZED at how scary true and accurate this test is
1. Pick a number from 1-9.
2. Multiply by 3.
3. Add 3.
4. Multiply by 3 again.
5. Now add the two digits of your answer together to find your favorite
movie (of all time) in the list of 17 movies below:
1. Gone With the Wind
3. Blazing Saddles
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
9. The Obama Farewell Speech of 2012
11. Jurassic Park
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
15. Raiders of the Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
Now, isn’t that something?
An 80-year-old Texas Rancher goes to the Mayo clinic in Rochester for a check-up.
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, ‘How do You stay in such great physical condition?’
‘I’m from Texas and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish says the old guy, ‘and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up well before daylight riding herd and mending fences and when I’m not doing that, I’m out hunting or fishing. In the evening, I have a beer and all is well.’
‘Well’ says the doctor, ‘I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?’
‘Who said my father’s dead?’
The doctor is amazed. ‘You mean you’re 80 years old and your father’s still alive? How old is he?’
‘He’s 100 years old,’ says the old Texan. ‘In fact he worked with and hunted with me this morning, and then we went to the topless bar for a while and had a little beer and that’s why he’s still alive. He’s a Texas rancher and he’s a hunter and fisherman too.’
‘Well,’ the doctor says, ‘that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to it than that. How about your father’s father? How old was he when he died?’
‘Who said my Grandpa’s dead?’
Stunned, the doctor asks, ‘you mean you’re 80 years old and your grandfather’s’ still alive?’
‘He’s 118 years old,’ says the man
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, ‘So, I guess he went hunting with you this morning too?’
‘No, Grandpa couldn’t go this morning because he’s getting married today.’
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. ‘Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?’
‘Who said he wanted to?’
Q: What's twelve inches long and hangs in front of an a$$?
A: A stethoscope.
Took me a moment! Ha!
Musician jokes? I’ll start.
“How do you get a guitar player off your front porch?
Pay him for the pizza.”
Never criticize someone until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes. That way, when you criticize him, you’ll be a mile away and you’ll have his shoes.
I was going to say I never heard of that movie that is listed as # 9 and then I realized.
IT IS MY FAVORITE!
ok... how about this...
A 31 year old political activist walks into a bar and says she is a broke 23 year old slut...
This youtube video is pretty funny.
Man apologizes to policeman.
I love that! Sounds like my upbringing; Mom was a Navy LtCdr.
What did Batman say to Robin before they got into the Batmobile?
I like that one.
To which the old man said, "boy I hope so - cuz them's the ugliest t-ts I've ever seen...."
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, Six should be enough.
A hooded robber burst into a Texas Bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber’s face. The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.
The Robber yelled, “Well, did anyone else see my face?”
There are a few moments of utter silence, in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak.
Then one old man tentatively raised his hand and said, “My wife got a good look at you.”
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