Free Republic
Browse · Search
Bloggers & Personal
Topics · Post Article

Skip to comments.

With all the crap flying around in the world today, wouldn't this be a good time for a Joke Thread?
The depths of my evil mind | March 3rd | Me, myself & I

Posted on 03/03/2012 3:29:56 PM PST by pingman

click here to read article


Navigation: use the links below to view more comments.
first previous 1-5051-100101-150151 next last
To: pingman

Last night my neighbor knocked on my door at 2:00 in the morning! Lucky for him I was still up playing my accordion.


101 posted on 03/03/2012 5:32:10 PM PST by Walmartian (An update is available for this tagline. Click here to download.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: CFIIIMEIATP737

Pilot jokes:

Q. How do you know there’s a pilot in the room?
A. He’ll tell everyone.

A very distraught young lady told the police that a pilot raped her. When the detective interviewed her, his first question was, “What airline was he with?”

“I don’t know,” she replied, “He didn’t say.”

Then the detective asked, “What did his uniform look like?”

“I never saw his uniform. He was naked.”

“Then how can you be sure he was a pilot?”

“He was wearing a big watch, had a small d*** and wouldn’t stop talking about himself.”


102 posted on 03/03/2012 5:35:00 PM PST by Squawk 8888 (Tories in- now the REAL work begins!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 28 | View Replies]

To: Squawk 8888
Brain Surgeon
103 posted on 03/03/2012 5:42:43 PM PST by MD Expat in PA
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 102 | View Replies]

To: Dr. Bogus Pachysandra

A hip-hop act is about to go on stage when the bass player starts yelling at the drummer and a fist fight ensues. Their manager rushes in, breaks it up, and yells, “What the hell is this about? You’re on in five minutes!”

“This clown de-tuned one of my strings!”

The manager says, “So what’s the problem? These practical jokes happen all the time, just re-tune your bass.”

The bassist replies, “I would, but the SOB refused to tell me which one!”


104 posted on 03/03/2012 5:45:00 PM PST by Squawk 8888 (Tories in- now the REAL work begins!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 51 | View Replies]

To: pingman

Bump


105 posted on 03/03/2012 5:49:01 PM PST by Lurkina.n.Learnin (The democratic party is the greatest cargo cult in history.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: pingman

Buddy was talking to a friend of his at lunch and mentioned that his wife was eating for two now.

His friend smiled at him and said Congratulations!

First guy say “What for? I didn’t say she was pregnant.”


106 posted on 03/03/2012 5:49:01 PM PST by Secret Agent Man (I'd like to tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: WXRGina

A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender scowls at them and says, “Is this some kind of joke?”


107 posted on 03/03/2012 5:49:16 PM PST by Squawk 8888 (Tories in- now the REAL work begins!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 67 | View Replies]

To: pingman

What’s the difference between a whore and a cheap slutfluke?

The whore works the cost of her birth control into her product price.


108 posted on 03/03/2012 5:51:21 PM PST by Secret Agent Man (I'd like to tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: death2tyrants

You are welcome.


109 posted on 03/03/2012 5:51:50 PM PST by bigheadfred
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 85 | View Replies]

To: pingman

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: one to climb the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.


110 posted on 03/03/2012 6:06:24 PM PST by ctdonath2 ($1 meals: http://abuckaplate.blogspot.com/)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: MHGinTN

How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, silly!

Californians screw in hot tubs, not light bulbs.


111 posted on 03/03/2012 6:07:52 PM PST by txhurl (Thank you, Andrew Breitbart. In your untimely passing, you have exposed these people one last time.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 50 | View Replies]

To: Walmartian

...too funny! I think I know this guy... LOL


112 posted on 03/03/2012 6:15:33 PM PST by OldCountryBoy (You can't make this stuff up!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 101 | View Replies]

To: pingman

Do you know what they call a medieval masturbater? ................a pounding serf


113 posted on 03/03/2012 6:33:07 PM PST by al baby (Hi Mom)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 6 | View Replies]

To: Oberon

My wife wanted me to give her 12 inches and make it hurt so i did it 3 times and hit her with my shoe


114 posted on 03/03/2012 6:34:38 PM PST by al baby (Hi Mom)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 26 | View Replies]

To: death2tyrants

look at naked wimmen


115 posted on 03/03/2012 6:37:05 PM PST by al baby (Hi Mom)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 58 | View Replies]

To: mnehring

Yeah and that slut say every time i have sex my asprins


116 posted on 03/03/2012 6:38:52 PM PST by al baby (Hi Mom)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 31 | View Replies]

To: al baby

Well, since we’ve already crossed the Rubicon, I guess I’m safe sharing a variant on the old “yo mama so fat” jokes: “Yo mama so fat she don’t have love handles, she got a roll bar,” lol.


117 posted on 03/03/2012 6:40:01 PM PST by RegulatorCountry
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 2 | View Replies]

To: hosepipe

He once said, at the American Book Awards, “He who underestimates the intelligence of the American people will never go home.” It was reported in the press that he said it the original H. L. Mencken way, which isn’t even an accurate quote. The word “American” wasn’t in there. L.


118 posted on 03/03/2012 6:40:28 PM PST by firebrand
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 74 | View Replies]

A conservative, a moderate, and a liberal walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Good evening, Governor Romney.”


119 posted on 03/03/2012 6:50:39 PM PST by firebrand
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 118 | View Replies]

To: Squawk 8888

A guy walks into a bar that is on the top floor of a posh casino in Vegas. He walks over to the bar and sits next to a guy who has obviously had a few too many. The drunk guy looks over and slurs, did yoou know they serve maagic beer here?

The sober guy asks, what kind of magic? The drunk guy tells him, the kind that lets yoou be able to flyy. So he asks the bartender to get his new friend one of the magic beers he’s been drinking.

Really, I’ve got to see this. So the drunk guy goes over, opens a window and jumps out, only to fly back into the window a moment later. So the sober guy, knowing what he just saw was amazing, downs the beer, walks over and jumps out the window.

The bartender looks at the drunk guy and says, Superman, you can be a real jerk when you’re drunk.


120 posted on 03/03/2012 6:54:44 PM PST by bondserv (Regarding Mitt Romney: I could not warm up to this guy if we were cremated together.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 107 | View Replies]

To: pingman

A Scotsman was at a baseball game. It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly.
The first batter approached the plate, took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming “Run, Run!” This happened two more times, with a single and a triple. The Scot was now excited and ready to get into the game.The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called “walk” and the batter started on a slow trot to first. The Scotsman, extremely
excited now, stood up and screamed, “R-R-Run ye basstarrd, rrrun!” Everyone around him started laughing. So the Scotsman, extremely embarrassed, sat back down.
A friendly fan, seeing the Scotsman’s embarrassment, leaned over and said, “He can’t run - he got four balls.
“The Scotsman then stood up and screamed, “Walk with prrride,mon...walk with prrride!”


121 posted on 03/03/2012 6:54:44 PM PST by dynachrome ("Our forefathers didn't bury their guns. They buried those that tried to take them.")
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: pingman

So there’s this canal with a walking path along each side; a blonde is walking on each path. They approach each other, notice each other, and wave, and then one blonde yells to the other one, “How do I get to the other side?”

The other blonde thinks for a moment, and then yells back, “You ARE on the other side!”


122 posted on 03/03/2012 6:58:12 PM PST by Nervous Tick (Trust in God, but row away from the rocks!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 17 | View Replies]

To: pingman

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so “profound” that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more t han one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added,

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, “It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,” and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting “Oh my God.”

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+


123 posted on 03/03/2012 7:17:26 PM PST by lmsii
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

Obama walks into a bar, got a great big colorful parrot on his shoulder.

Barkeep walks up and says,”Man, that’s really cool. Where’d ya get it?”

Parrot says, “Africa. There’s millions of ‘em.”.


124 posted on 03/03/2012 7:31:24 PM PST by misanthrope ("...Everybody look what's goin' down.")
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: pingman
Pure comedy without a single word spoken....

Did You Fart?

125 posted on 03/03/2012 7:34:45 PM PST by Joe 6-pack (Que me amat, amet et canem meum)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Walmartian

LOL! Good one!


126 posted on 03/03/2012 7:44:48 PM PST by Ditter
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 101 | View Replies]

To: BitWielder1

What is the difference between bagpipes and a chainsaw?
You can tune the chainsaw.


127 posted on 03/03/2012 7:58:29 PM PST by Clay Moore (The heart of the wise inclines to the right, but the heart of a fool to the left. Ecclesiastes 10:2)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 43 | View Replies]

To: Squawk 8888
A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender scowls at them and says, “Is this some kind of joke?”

HAHAHAHA!!!

128 posted on 03/03/2012 8:17:56 PM PST by WXRGina (Further up and further in!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 107 | View Replies]

To: bigheadfred

Funny....as usual...


129 posted on 03/03/2012 8:40:12 PM PST by Winstons Julia (Hello OWS? We don't need a revolution like China's; China needs a revolution like OURS.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 9 | View Replies]

To: Joe 6-pack

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my fart with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.


130 posted on 03/03/2012 8:52:52 PM PST by wyokostur
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 125 | View Replies]

To: Squawk 8888

What’s the difference between and pilot and a Pratt & Whitney PT6?

The PT6 stops whining when you move the fuel cut-off lever.


131 posted on 03/03/2012 8:57:29 PM PST by CFIIIMEIATP737
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 102 | View Replies]

To: RegulatorCountry

Yo mama so fat that when she farts, the National Hurricane Center names it.


132 posted on 03/03/2012 8:59:41 PM PST by CFIIIMEIATP737
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 117 | View Replies]

To: CFIIIMEIATP737

Yo mama so fat she pulled smaller fat people into orbit around her.


133 posted on 03/03/2012 9:03:05 PM PST by RegulatorCountry
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 132 | View Replies]

To: pingman

134 posted on 03/03/2012 9:03:54 PM PST by moviefan8
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: moviefan8

What’s the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?

Answer:

You can dump a load in a washing machine on a Friday night and it won’t call you all weekend!


135 posted on 03/03/2012 9:48:23 PM PST by bigtoona
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 134 | View Replies]

To: DeoVindiceSicSemperTyrannis

Since 1 mile = 1.6 kilometers I guess Alex should have shut up and gone along with the mouth breathing half-wit in charge.


136 posted on 03/03/2012 9:56:34 PM PST by Grizzled Bear (No More RINOS!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 18 | View Replies]

To: basil

There was a young lady, Ann Heiser
Who swore that no man could surprise her
But Pabst took a chance
Found a Shlitz in her pants
And now, she’s sadder
Budweiser


137 posted on 03/03/2012 10:05:23 PM PST by darth
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 13 | View Replies]

To: pingman

OooooH! A redhead who plays accordion? Twere I younger, I’d chase her around the parking lot with my Coodercaster!


138 posted on 03/03/2012 11:17:21 PM PST by Dr. Bogus Pachysandra ( Ya can't pick up a turd by the clean end!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 89 | View Replies]

To: darth

LOL!

We had the shorter version in Texas.

Are you sometimes surprised at the things you can remember forever, and yet have trouble remembering what you did yesterday? I sure am....


139 posted on 03/04/2012 5:26:14 AM PST by basil (It's time to rid the country of "gun free zones" aka "Killing Fields")
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 137 | View Replies]

To: Secret Agent Man
What's the difference between a businessman, a prostitute, and a politician?

A businessman says, "It's been a pleasure doing business with you."

A prostitute says, "It's been a business doing pleasure with you."

A politician just takes your money and screws you, then tells everyone how good HE is.

Cheers!

140 posted on 03/04/2012 5:57:02 AM PST by grey_whiskers (The opinions are solely those of the author and are subject to change without notice.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 108 | View Replies]

To: Farmer Dean

haha1


141 posted on 03/04/2012 6:09:33 AM PST by fabian (" And a new day will dawn for those who stand long, and the forests will echo with laughter")
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 68 | View Replies]

To: Dr. Bogus Pachysandra; All

Thanks everyone, I needed this after a long day of being berated as a woman hater on Facebook for having the temerity of defending Rush, free speech and trying to use facts and reason to make my point.

I fear that our beloved country is (has) become unhinged, and that there are very dark days ahead.

Be well, keep your powder dry, and in the spirit of Andrew Breitbart, never be afraid to say ‘Sh*t!!!’ when your mouth is full.


142 posted on 03/04/2012 6:09:59 AM PST by pingman (Durn tootin'; I like Glock shootin'!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 138 | View Replies]

To: pingman
A blond, redhead, and brunette go hunting for the first time. Coming to a clearing, the redhead sees what looks like tracks, and says, deer tracks. The brunette says no, bear tracks. The blond got hit by the train.

5.56mm

143 posted on 03/04/2012 6:43:45 AM PST by M Kehoe
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 142 | View Replies]

To: pingman

Why is Obamacare like an apple a day?

It will keep the doctor away.


144 posted on 03/04/2012 9:28:38 AM PST by stbdside
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: death2tyrants

lol


145 posted on 03/04/2012 1:10:11 PM PST by DeoVindiceSicSemperTyrannis
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 57 | View Replies]

To: bondserv

146 posted on 03/05/2012 7:47:06 PM PST by Joe 6-pack (Que me amat, amet et canem meum)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 120 | View Replies]

To: Chickensoup

Dont worry, it took a bit for that one to sink here also. I am a little slow on the uptake.


147 posted on 03/11/2012 1:19:47 PM PDT by Yorlik803 (better to die on your feet than live on your knees.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 49 | View Replies]

To: RegulatorCountry

Yo mama so fat, her soup bowl has a lifeguard.
Yo mama so fat,when she goes to church,she sits next to everybody.
Yo mama so fat,when she jumped in the air she got stuck.
These jokes rocks....


148 posted on 03/11/2012 1:33:46 PM PDT by Yorlik803 (better to die on your feet than live on your knees.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 133 | View Replies]

To: RegulatorCountry

Yo mama so fat, her soup bowl has a lifeguard.
Yo mama so fat,when she goes to church,she sits next to everybody.
Yo mama so fat,when she jumped in the air she got stuck.
These jokes rocks....


149 posted on 03/11/2012 1:34:10 PM PDT by Yorlik803 (better to die on your feet than live on your knees.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 133 | View Replies]

To: Yorlik803

Yo mama is so fat her blood type is Ragu
Yo mama is so fat her BMI is measured in acres
Yo mama is so fat she was baptized @ Sea World
Yo mama is so fat when she sat on a rainbow, Skittles popped out
Yo mama so fat I took a picture of her last Christmas and its still printing


150 posted on 03/11/2012 1:42:48 PM PDT by geege
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 149 | View Replies]


Navigation: use the links below to view more comments.
first previous 1-5051-100101-150151 next last

Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.

Free Republic
Browse · Search
Bloggers & Personal
Topics · Post Article

FreeRepublic, LLC, PO BOX 9771, FRESNO, CA 93794
FreeRepublic.com is powered by software copyright 2000-2008 John Robinson