Posted on 07/28/2015 6:09:00 AM PDT by rfreedom4u
My wife is mentally ill. I realize many men say this and most are probably kidding but in my case it is 100% true. Her illness began in 1996 after the birth of our last child. At first we were told it was post-partum depression. She was hospitalized that year several times and given various medications.
We’ve never really gone to church much but she began talking about religion quite a bit so I bought her a bible (NKJ) and she devoured it. She was reading it all the time and one day I noticed she was crossing parts out and writing in the margin. I asked her why and she stated, “It was interpreted wrong and I am writing the correct interpretation.” I asked her how she knew her interpretation was correct and she said, “I get my information from God.” This lead to numerous trips to hospitals and more meds. She also began stating that she saw angels and demons and that they spoke to her. When I inquired as to what they were telling her she said I wouldn’t understand.
In the next few years she continued to have good and bad months. She was hospitalized several times over the next few years and again given various medications and diagnoses. These went from bi-polar to schizophrenic to psychotic. She has never been violent but was very adamant that we should all become vegans. She would go so far as to attempting to capture and bug she saw in the house so that she could release it into the wild.
Since I was in the military we moved several times. Each time we arrived at a new post I had to explain to my command the situation. I could see that they didn’t really believe it was as bad as I said until she started having a bad month again. Once it got so bad that I took the kids to a hotel and had to stay away for a few days.
Over the first few years of her illness I was investigated several times because she made allegations that I was abusive to both her and the children. All of these were proved false. She was paranoid and constantly accused me of sleeping around with other women. When she is “stable” she starts to think she does not need her meds and will slowly decrease her dosage (by skipping days) and eventually will stop altogether. I will notice little things in her behavior that become big things. When she starts to talk about certain things (religion, abuse, veganism) I can tell she is off her meds. I’ve tried to reason with her and get her to her shrink as soon as possible but she will become very assertive that there is nothing wrong with her. Many times I have had her hospitalized against her will as she was a threat to herself. This was usually because she was not taking care of herself or eating. Twice she was hospitalized with suicidal tendencies and once for actually attempting suicide.
Throughout all these now 19 years I have done my best to deal with her and give the kids the best lives possible. Times of high stress are the worst for her. Just this year she lost two of her three sisters to cancer and her dad passed away last month. She is now on the downslide and I predict she will be hospitalized again within the next few weeks.
All of our children are adults now. We have been married for almost 27 years (19 of which she’s been ill). I feel so worn down and beaten from dealing with this for so long that at times I feel like just packing a bag and leaving. Perhaps become a vagabond and drift around the world. If I were to do that I know she wouldn’t last long as in her times of psychosis she places herself in dangerous situations. Once she wandered off for a week and we found her in a homeless shelter. Now we are in the Houston area and it is quite dangerous to wander about the city. This world is full of bad people.
I feel like I am at the end of my rope and no longer want to deal with this anymore. Her illness stresses me out and gets me down. I want to just leave but realize that would be the worst thing for her. The next few weeks will be hard. But I will have to make my decision to stay or leave. I know the kids will be mad if I leave her because she needs help. But at the same time they will understand because they’ve seen the hell that I’ve been through. We went through it together when they were growing up. So, do I stay or do I go? I’m not even sure what I will do. I thought writing about it would make me feel a little better and maybe help in making the decision but it hasn’t.
Prayers for you both, in that you are given strength and hope. Just wondering, is there a definitive diagnosis and prognosis and what do doctors recommend for her improvement other than medication? Would institutional care help?
The thing is, you must be healthy for your children and for her, and it sounds like you have pretty much had it. How about a support group? I hear they help immensely. I don’t know how old your children are, but you might consider that this is their mother and hopefully they see your need and help out on a regular basis.
A couple of things.
Childbirth can give rise to abnormal changes in hormones that can be treated with a proper diagnose of a hormone panel of tests and tracking thereof.
Secondly, c-Sections are accompanied by anesthesia treatment such as spinal epidurals. If an an overdose is administered, brain damage can result. I did not see your mentioning if a c-section was involved or not but this is just information.
In both cases and in other cases trauma to the brain can result in epileptic type seizure disorders displaying bipolar disorder or other convulsive disorders. At root is brain damage and brain disease.
Self-awareness is key to survival and to safety of others. Actress Catherine Zeta-Jones has done a lot for bring about public awareness. Public awareness is important because it destigmatizes the brain damage or disease and fosters research to improve treatments. Zeta-Jones is self-aware of her condition to the point where she feels an episode approaching and shuts her self in her room until it passes. This can sometimes be a few hours. Sometimes the medications are not always in balance and the medication field is still a research field.
Spirituality is important. Her turning to the Bible is important, very important but she must be aware that her perception of Biblical wisdom is quite different from when she is normal and when she is in the middle of an episode. If she can compartmentalize the two states, her faith derived from normal periods can help quell her actions during her episodes.
I’ve contacted NAMI but they’ve been no help so far. The have the standard cookie cut classes and seminars. She refuses to go to anything because she doesn’t feel she has a problem. She insists that I am the one with problems.
My gf of almost 9 years is dealing with this sort of thing. It gets pretty bad sometimes, especially the paranoia, which has no basis in reality. It's a struggle, but I love her.
Based on my observations, sometimes I think that all women are crazy to a certain extent (except mom). Sorry ladies. Not to make light of it, but your brains are bathed in a different set of chemicals...
She did have an epidural during the birth but never had a C-section. She also went through menopause shortly after which doctors said was quite early.
Toss in alcohol messing with the mind while they try to medicate. They all seem to drift over to either alcohol or marijuana and think these will help in some fashion.
The things you describe that are along the lines of “obsessive behaviors”... such as religion and diet are typical “control” issues. I have seen those patterns before in women.
I am not sure what the answer is... but YOU need help, and YOU need it now. This is an awful thing to go through alone, and I sense that you want to escape it, abandon your sense of obligation, and go be a drifter... but someone has to step up here and help YOU cope.
If there is any possible way to avoid hospitalization for care, please grasp at that opportunity. Being left alone in a room with the only contact with other humans being some LPN or CNA arriving to force her to take psychotropic drugs, like they are going to “break” her of her illness... it probably exacerbates the underlying issues. Perhaps some form of assisted living combined with psychiatric care in a home environment is an option... maybe something from this list might help:
http://www.psychodyssey.net/?page_id=262
Please take care of yourself, bud. Your family is in our thoughts and prayers.
You are a remarkable man for all the sacrifices you have made for your family. Sounds like you may need a break. Maybe your children could help with your wife for awhile and you could take short sabbatical.
Wow that has to be tough!
I strongly suggest you find a good Holistic doctor for your wife.
Moreover, pray for providence and discernment.
When you got married it was for better and..., for worse.
She needs you. Do not abandon her.
I’m sorry what you have been going through.
I have someone in the family with mental problems, as well as physical. I don’t know what to tell you, we aren’t the eskimos who would put them on an ice flow and set them adrift. You just have to wall off your own space.
My X refuse alcohol treatment with same excuses. I attended every self help group available for my survival. Get a social worker. Shop around. There are several mental health specialist even in our small rural area. You should have a bigger selection. Sounds like the one you are using is not doing a good job.
Yours is a very difficult situation. However, there are some fundamental things you should consider. First, do you have power of attorney over your wife’s health-related decisions? If not, your hands are tied and the only way you can manage that is to petition the court for POA. Without it you are powerless to see your wife follows a proper plan of care.
Second, you may need to divorce her. This is not because you want to be rid of her, but because you are severely weakened if she has you in financial risk because of her decisions. You can’t help yourself or your wife if you are not on solid ground financially. This is something you should discuss with your children to explain why it would be necessary in such a case to protect yourself and their interests as well.
Third, you are no doubt under stress. From what you say, you have done the very best you can to be true to your vows of marriage. As tough as it is, you shouldn’t feel guilty about taking tough steps. Your life is important too. There are doctors, friends, I would assume family and others who see the situation as it is and may be willing to try to help convince her to stay on her plan of care. You can’t carry the load by yourself. Best of luck to you!
+1
Prayers up.
You say that you "know" they will be mad. Is this because you've talked it over with them and know where they stand and why they feel as they do or are you guessing?
Do they truly understand how you feel and how serious you might be?
Whatever you decide, as it's your decision to make, it effects the entire family. Better to not surprise anyone.
You've gone this far, and from a Spiritual point of view, too, you didn't go it alone.
The best answer is waiting to be found and might require a hometeam effort to uncover it. Keep the faith...
You are the only one that can make this decision.
Either way you decide will be painful.
I admire you for being loyal to her for all of these years.
I will be praying for you and I hope you will pray for yourself. You can trust God so just pray to him. Tell him what you are feeling, ask for his guidance and then let go it. He will guide you to the correct answer.
You have stuck it out through really tough times. You would not be happy if you were to GO forever. But you need to GO for short term relief. Is there anyone that could help keep an eye on your wife and look after her for a few days at a time?
You may be surprised how much better you could deal with the stress of it all if you could get a bit of a break. Maybe a weekend or two a month perhaps a little longer just once a month.
You could still be in touch and as near as the telephone for those who help you, but out of touch for those few days from your wife.
Prayers for you, to have strength, faith, etc. God gives some of us a tough lot in life. I’m in a softer version of your spot, and make a conscious decision that the marriage vow was really a vow.
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