Skip to comments.Jokes Only
Posted on 07/25/2007 3:35:03 PM PDT by Sonora
Could we start a Joke thread? Political or other category Jokes - humor and laughing prompts one to live longer - I try to find some each day.
Top 10 questions to ask the Democrat candidates for President:
10) If we cant drill, cant refine, cant mine, cant build nuclear power plants and cant burn fossil fuels, how can we become energy independent? I mean besides returning America to the Stone Age.
9) If we start burning our food to avoid upsetting a few caribou, what will we eat next and how much will it cost compared to a gallon of ethanol?
8) Since our federal government has never failed to increase their original projected budget, or outspend that budget no matter how many times its been increased, why should we believe that you are going to lower the cost of health care if we let you manage that?
7) Arent you the folks who came up with the HMO?
6) If Cheryl Crow believes in one square of tissue per wipe, does she believe in one mini-pad per period and isnt she on your team?
5) If America has already lost in Iraq, who won and when will we face the victor again?
4) If the people are so stupid that they need you to take care of their most fundamental needs, how do you feel about being elected by the dumbest people in America?
3) If illegal immigration was the key to Americas multi-cultural success, was legal immigration a blot on that record?
2) If Hillary Clinton cant make her husband behave like a decent human being, why should we believe that she has the backbone to make Iran, North Korea, Syria, China or Russia behave?
1) Can anyone run for president now, or does affirmative action limit it to just empty suits from Illinois with no resume who have a Muslim sounding name? _____
A Michigan State Trooper stops a man for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the Trooper (after being told to remain in the car). The violator demands to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the Trooper calmly tells him of the red light violation. The "Motorist" instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the Troopers ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms. The Trooper, being a professional, takes it all in stride, figuring "Battleship Mouth and Rowboat A$$".
The tirade goes on without the Trooper saying anything. When he gets done with printing the citation he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the citation. He then hands it to the violator for his signature.
The guy signs the citation angrily, tearing the paper, and when presented his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for. The officer then removes his mirror sunglasses, gets in the middle of the guys face and says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember you're an A$$hole!"
Three months later they are in court. The violator has such a bad record he is about to lose his license and has hired an attorney to represent him. On the stand the Trooper testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks the Trooper, is this a reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my client?
Trooper responds, "Yes sir, this is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.
Attorney: Trooper, is there any particular marking or notation on this citation you don't normally make?
Trooper: Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH", underlined.
Attorney: What does the AH stand for, Trooper?
Trooper: "Aggressive and Hostile Sir."
Attorney: Aggressive and hostile?"
Trooper: "Yes Sir.
Attorney: Trooper, are you sure it doesn't stand for A$$hole?
Trooper: Well Sir, You know your client better than I do!
Take my wife, please.
What`s Irish and sits outside?
Thanks-you. I`ll be here all week. Be sure to enjoy the buffet.
He gets taller.
What dresses like a man, sounds like a man, looks like a man and ends every speech with ACK ACK -ACK -ACK-ACK?
Q. Knock knock.
A. Who’s there?
Q. Control Freak. Now you say, “Control Freak Who?”
A Neutron walks into a bar and asks. “How much for a beer?”
The Bartender says. “For you? No Charge.”
Bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve your kind here!"
Mushroom says, "Why not, I'm a fungi."
"A Scotsman was at a baseball game. It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly. The first batter approached the plate, took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run, Run!" This happened two more times, with a single and a triple. The Scot was now excited and ready to get into the game.The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk" and the batter started on a slow trot to first. The Scotsman, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ye basstarrd, rrrun!" Everyone around him started laughing. So the Scotsman, extremely embarrassed, sat back down. A friendly fan, seeing the Scotsman's embarrassment, leaned over and said, "He can't run - he got four balls. "The Scotsman then stood up and screamed, "Walk with prrride,mon...walk with prrride!"
Whenever I'm out in one of my kilts I can count on being asked "The Question", i.e. "What do you wear underneath your kilt?
My response: "At my age....Depends!"
Once Jesse Jackson was asked what he thought about Beirut. He thought about it, and said He was a good home run hitter, but not as good as Barry Bonds!
A. Who’s there?
Q. A psychic
A. A psychic who?
Q. I knew you’d say that.
No!,that's not what we do here!.
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, ‘Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.’
Her boyfriend asks, ‘What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?’ The blonde says, ‘According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.’
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, ‘First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.’
He takes her hand and says, ‘Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then ...’ he said with a deep sigh... ‘Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.’
thank you. I'm here all week. tip your waiters and bartender. drive safe.
The crowd is about to stone Mary Magdalene, when Jesus steps forward and says,
"Let ye who is without sin cast the first stone."
From the back of the crowd comes a big rock, over Jesus' head, 'bam' hits Mary Magdalene square between the eyes. Down she goes.
Jesus does a slow turn, looks back to see the thrower and says,
"Mom! Stop following me around - You're embarrassing me!" :)
(The following is slightly “blue” so stop reading if you are easily offended)
A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach in Miami. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have breasts bigger than his mother’s, so he goes back to ask her why.
She tells her son, “the bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.”
Satisfied with the answer, the boy goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger “things” than his dad does.
She replies, “The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is.”
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.
Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again and promptly tells mother: “Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.”
A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says “Hey, we serve a drink here that is named after you”. The grasshopper says “You gotta drink named Larry”?
Q: What’s brown and black and blue?
A: A brunette that told one too many blond jokes.
That’s a great one to remember, you can ingratiate yourself with any blonds that are sick of hearing blond jokes.
Also if you ever hear someone telling the ‘Why do dogs lick themselves?’ ‘Because they can’ joke. Follow up with ‘I don’t get it, anybody can do that. Maybe you should pet him first!’
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!”
“What do you mean? I’m fine.”
“What about that wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”
“Well,” said the pirate, “we were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg, but the Doc fixed me up, and I’m fine, really.”
“Oh yeah? Well, what about that hook? The last time I saw you, you had both hands.”We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off, but the Doc fixed me up with the hook , and I feel great, really.”
“Oh,” said the bartender, “what about that eye patch? The last time you were in here you had both eyes.”
“One day when we were at sea some seagulls were flying over the ship. I looked up and one of them seagulls sh*t in my eye.”
“You’re kidding,” said the bartender, “you couldn’t have lost an eye just from some bird sh*t!”
“ Aye, but it was my first day with the hook.”
Well. . . since I was accused of favoring pedophiles on a thread yesterday, I guess I’ll tell a joke about one.
A man come home to his apartment to find his live-in girlfriend packing her belongings. “What’s going on?” he asks.
The girlfriend looks at him coldly and says, “I’m leaving you forever. I’ve learned the truth about you. You’re a pedophile!”
“Pedophile?” the man says. “Pedophile?”
He pauses. “Such a big word for a girl as young as you to be using.”
What does a tightrope walker and a man getting oral sex from whoopie Goldberg have in common?
Both are too afraid to look down....
What’s a blond turned upside down ?
A brunette with bad breath
What do you say to a girl with no arms and no legs?
Nice boobs!! : )
A man is gofling on vacations in Ireland...hies the ball into the rough...it bounces into a stand of trees.
The man goes looking for the ball and finds it beside a small man dressed all in green.. a leprechaun! The ball hit the leprechaun in the head and knocked him cold.
The golfer quickly tries to bring the leprechaun around and when he does he's worried if he's alright.
The leprechaun laughs and says "Yes, I'm fine but I have to admit you caught me fair and square so I owe you three wishes.
The golfer is relieved the little man is ok and says "Oh NO! I have everything I need. I'm just happy your ok!"
With that the pair part company.
But the leprechaun is touched and thinks he's never met such a nice man so he decides to give him everything any man could ever wish for.
Number one: to become a great golfer.
Number two: to have money in his wallet whenever he reaches for it.
Number three : a great sex life.
A year later the same golfer is at the same course and he hits the ball into the same woods. When he goes to fetch it he runs into the leprechaun again. The two exchange plesantries and the leprechaun asks, "So how has your golf game been?" The leprechaun inquires about the man's finances and he responds saying he always has money in his wallet.
The leprechaun is smiling to himself and asks about the man's sex life.
The man blushes and stutters and doesn't answer.
"Come on,," says the leprecahun, "Tell me how many times a week you get it."
Again the man blushes and admits that he might get it a couple of times a week.
The leprechaun is stunned...wonders why his spell didn't work and says, "A couple of times a week! Why you should be getting it several times a night!"
Still blushing the man answers saying, "Well you have to understand...I'm a priest in a VERY small parish!"
He didn't have a reservation.
oohh baby, i thought mine might draw some punches, glad u came in right before i did... (hehehe, always loved that joke though)
How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
“Never mind, I’ll just sit here in the dark”.
What’s got four legs and chases cats? (sic)
“Mrs. Katz and her lawyer.”
A case of Schlitz.
He asks how's it going,
Fine he says,
Hows the wife he says,
Oh she is an angel,
Good for you the guy says, Mine is still alive!
It's the one with white-out on the screen.
Hillary (O&A) Clinton
“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.
“Well, I can think of one thing,” the man offered.
“On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota,
I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening
a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone,
but they wouldn’t listen. So, I approached the largest
and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on
the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring,
and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, “Now, back off!! Or you’ll answer to me!”
St. Peter was impressed, “When did all this happen?”
“Just a couple minutes ago.”
A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?”
The husband just looked at his wife and said, “What do I look like, Mr.Plumber?
A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, “Honey, the car won’t start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?”
“What do I look like, Mr.Goodwrench?” was his response. Another couple of weeks go by, and it’s raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he’s walking through the door. “Honey, there’s a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?”
He just looked at her and said “What do I look like, Bob Vila?” and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV.
One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn’t leaking anymore either.
His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, “Honey, how come there aren’t any more leaks, and the car’s running?”
She replied nonchalantly, “Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything.” “Wow, did he charge us anything?” asked the husband. “No, he just said that he’d do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him” she said.
“Cool. What kind of cake did you make?” asked the husband. “Cake? What the hell do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?
A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.SENIOR SEX
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' License plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper Sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.
Naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car."
A Florida couple both well into their 80s, go to a sex Therapist's' office.The Salesman
The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says: "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.
The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again.
The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row.
The couple makes an appointment; they have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, and then leave.
Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?
The man replies, if we go to the hotel down the street, it cost $100 for a room. If we come to your office, you charge us $50; Medicare pays $40.
A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came to see him. "How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid says "One".
The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$101,237.65".
The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell him?
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook.
"Then I sold him a medium fishhook.
Then I sold him a larger fishhook.
"Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
"Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said 'down the coast,' so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss says, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK? Is that right?"
The kid answers, "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot; you should go fishing."
Mom calmly tells the little girl that her tummy is getting big because there's a baby growing in it.
The little girl thinks and then asks, "Well then...what's growing in your butt?"
One night , after couple had retired for
the night, the woman became aware that her husband
was touching her in a most unusual manner. He
started by running his hand across her shoulders and
the small of her back. He ran his hand over her
breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he
proceeded to run his hand gently down her side,
sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the
other side to a point below her waist. He continued
on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and then
the other. His hand ran further down the outside of
her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the
inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned
to do the same to her right thigh.
By this time the woman was becoming aroused
and she squirmed a little to better position
herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.
“Why are you stopping darling?” she whispered.
He whispered back, “ I found the remote!”
WAR BETWEEN IRELAND AND FRANCE AVERTED
Jacques Chirac, The French Prime Minister, was sitting in his office wondering what kind of mischief he could perpetrate against the United States when his telephone rang.
“Hallo, Mr. Chirac!”, a heavily accented voice said. “This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!”
“Well, Paddy,” Chirac replied, “This is indeed important news! How big is your army?”
“Right now,” said Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, “there is myself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!”
Chirac paused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one hundred thousand men in my army waiting to move on my command.”
“Begorra! !” said Paddy. “I’ll have to ring you back!”
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. “Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!”
“And what equipment would that be, Paddy?” Chirac asked. “Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy’s farm tractor.”
Chirac sighed, amused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I’ve increased my army to one hundred fifty thousand since we last spoke.”
“Saints preserve us!” said Paddy. “I’ll have to get back to you.”
Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. “Mr. Chirac, the war is still on!” We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We’ve modified Jackie McLaughlin’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!”
Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I’ve increased my army to two hundred thousand!”
“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!”, said Paddy, “I’ll have to ring you back.”
Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. “Top o’ the mornin’, Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war.”
“I’m sorry to hear that,” said Chirac. “Why the sudden change of heart?”
“Well,” said Paddy, “we’ve all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there’s no foo-kin way we can feed two hundred thousand prisoners.”
API and UPI reported today that the French Government announced Yesterday that it has raised it’s terror alert level from “run” to “hide.”
The only two higher levels in France are “surrender” and “collaborate”
This may have been precipitated by the recent fire which destroyed one of their White Flag factories, disabling their Military for the time being.
Because they can't get their paw to form a little fist.
Guy’s playing a round of golf with his wife. His shot lands next to a barn with the green on the other side. He wants to wedge it over when his wife suggests opening the doors on both sides and shooting it thru the barn. With the doors opened and her standing inside barn he skulls the shot, hits a rafter and then her in head resulting in her death.
The following week he’s playing with his buddies and the same shot comes up for him again. His buddies suggest he just open the doors of the barn and hit it thru.
“Are you kidding me?” he says, “Last time I tried that I took a double bogey.”
WHY MEN ARE NOT SECRETARIES
Husband’s note on refrigerator to his wife:
Someone from the Guyna Colleges called.
They said Pabst beer is normal.
ROTFL!!! - This Scotch-Irish needed that!
He went to a veterinarian who cleaned off all the nests, but the birds were back the next day. He went to an exterminator who killed the bird, but still more birds built nests the next day.
Finally, in desperation, he went to an old Indian medicine man, who grunted and said, “Put yeast in the manes.”
“i’ve got nothing to lose”, he thought. He put the yeast in the manes and zowie, the birds went away.
He went back to the Indian medicine man and asked, “That was wonderful. How does that work?”
The medicine man answered, “Yeast is yeast, and nest is nest, and never the mane does tweet.”
I got married to a widow
who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
who had hair of red
My father fell in love with her,
and soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father’s wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow’s grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father’s wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter’s son.
My wife is now my mother’s mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She is my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa.
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