Skip to comments.****The Official Friday Silliness Thread****
Posted on 10/03/2008 6:05:20 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts -Jeff Foxworthy
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." -Groucho Marx
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. -H.V. Prochnow
I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. First, let her think she's having her own way. And second, let her have it. -Lyndon B. Johnson
"A man's wife has more power over him than the state has." -Ralph Waldo Emerson
My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't. -Unknown
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -Rodney Dangerfield
Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot. -Minnie Pearl
"Behind every great man there is a surprised woman." -Maryon Pearson
They say love is blind...and marriage is an institution. Well, I'm not ready for an institution for the blind just yet. -Mae West
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't they'd be married too. -H.L. Mencken
"A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished." -Zsa Zsa Gabor
"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her." -Rodney Dangerfield
No married man is genuinely happy if he has to drink worse whisky than he used to drink when he was single. -H.L. Mencken
A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers. -Grace Hansen
If nature had arranged that husbands and wives should have children alternatively, there would never be more than three in a family. -Lawrence Housman
"Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy, fat women." -Marion Smith
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then complain that he's not the man she married? -Barbra Streisand
My mother once told me that if a married couple puts a penny in a pot for every time they make love in the first year, and takes a penny out every time after that, they'll never get all the pennies out of the pot. -Armistead Maupin
"Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery." -Erma Bombeck
I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married. -Lewis Grizzard
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." -James Holt McGavran
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"Joe?, did you crap?"
Some Obama jokes:
What did Barack Obama ask when he learned that Russia invade Georgia? Is South Carolina next?
What's the difference between Sarah Palin and Barack Obama? One is a well dressed, attractive piece of eye-candy. The other kills her own food.
What does Obama say when you sneeze around him? I bless you.
What happens when Obama mentions his relationship with Saul Alinsky? He turns red.
Have you seen the new bumper sticker? Its Obama bin Biden.
Whats the difference between Osama bin Laden and Obama bin Biden? With Obama bin Biden, you get two for the price of one.
Since Barack Obama likes to play basketball and Sarah Palin was point guard on a state champion basketball team in high school. Obama said hed like to play Palin in a game of horse. Palin wants a game of one-on-one. I think I can take him, she said. Everyone knows he wont move to his right.
What did Obama say when the Reverend Jeremiah Wright asked if he was listening during his sermons? Im all ears.
Speaking of ears, whats the difference between Barack Obama and Dumbo? Dumbo is smarter than he looks.
Why did Barack Obama cross the road? To help the other side.
Why did John McCain cross the road? He didnt. He got to the middle and stopped.
Obama claims McCain cheated during the Saddleback Church forum. He knew McCain cheated because he gave straight answers. Politicians aren't supposed to do that.
Obama and McCain were talking in the Senate cloakroom one day. Obama told McCain, Ive got a great way to win the cabbie vote. I give them a big tip, which I charge to the taxpayers, and tell them to vote Obama. McCain responded, I think my approach is better. I dont give them any tip and tell them to vote Obama.
People worry that McCain, if elected, might not last four years due to his age. Others worry that America, if Obamas elected, might not last four years due to his policies.
Why wont Obama laugh at himself? He doesnt want to be accused of being a racist.
Why wont Obama drink Pepsi? He wrote in his book that he prefers Coke.
Why is Jimmy Carter campaigning hard for Obama? Its Carters one shot to avoid going down in history as the worst president ever.
What does terrorist Bill Ayers think of his friend, Barack Obama? He thinks hes the bomb.
Why is Obama so skinny? He has to stay light on his feet to walk on water.
What does Obama and Osama bin Laden have in common? Theyre both friends with terrorists who bombed the Pentagon.
Where did Obama decry the influence of money on politics? Barbara Streisands $28,500 a plate dinner.
Did you notice how Sarah Palin kept referring to McCain as John S. McCain during her speech at the Republican convention? This bewildered conservatives who always thought his middle name was effing.
What do Miley Cyrus and Barack Obama have in common? They both attract young people with mindless verses.
Whats the difference between Michelle Obama and pit bull? Pit bulls arent angry *all* the time.
FRIDAY! Silly stuff! Breakfast of Champions!
Your wife must be a saint. Happy Anniversary!
When (my now Ex) said she liked pickups, I thought she meant trucks.
My favorite Rodney Dangerfield one-liner when it comes to marriage:
“Marry a woman that can cook. I mean the sex will wear off but you’ll always be hungry.”
A high school friend once told me that his father imparted this piece of wisdom:
When you fall in love, and you are deciding to marry the woman, imagine what she looks like first thing in the morning, then ask yourself, “Do I want to wake up and look at THAT every morning for the rest of my life?” If the answer is yes, then marry her.
I realize this picture is supposed to be funny... yet I see nothing funny or incorrect about it... in fact I agree with almost everything in there. Smart way to cool off.
None, they just pass a law against burned out bulbs and
then walk away wondering how come its still dark.
Hot diggity dog!!!!!!! Woooooooooohooooooooo! It’s FRIDAY!!!
Time for silliness! The subject of the week....Marriage! Tada!
“Handling A Wife”
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there’s nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Jeff. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Susie.
Since I retired several years ago, it has become necessary for Susie to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.
Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don’ t yell at her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men’s Grill at the club so
eating out is not reasonable. I’m ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it’s not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do
what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won’t clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during
her lunch hour. But, boys, we take ‘em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even
three days. That way she won’t have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I’m a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Susie. I’m not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find
it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.
However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it
was well worthwhile. After all, we are put o n this earth to help each other.
Jeff died suddenly on March 1 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II
golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.
His wife Susie was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that
Jeff somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
THAT one’s getting old...
Much silliness is needed today as I just found out a promotion went through for me!
If Babs really said that, then that’s the first thing I’ve ever heard (or read) her say, that I’ve agreed with.
We have a fox terrier by the name of Jasper. He came to us in the summer of 2001 from the fox terrier rescue program. For those of you, who are unfamiliar with this type of adoption, imagine taking in a 10 year old child about whom you know nothing and committing to doing your best to be a good parent.
Like a child, the dog came with his own idiosyncrasies. He will only sleep on the bed, on top of the covers, nuzzled as close to my face as he can get without actually performing a French kiss on me.
Lest you think this is a bad case of ‘no discipline,’ I should tell you that Perry and I tried every means to break him of this habit including locking him in a separate bedroom for several nights. The new door cost over $200.
Five weeks ago we began remodeling our house. Although the cost of the project is downright obnoxious, it was 20 years overdue AND it got me out of cooking Thanksgiving for family, extended family, and a lot of friends that I like more than family most of the time.
I was assigned the task of preparing 124 of my famous yeast dinner rolls for the two Thanksgiving feasts we did attend.
I am still cursing the electrician for getting the new oven hooked up so quickly. It was the only appliance in the whole darn house that worked, thus the assignment.
I made the decision to cook the rolls on Wed evening to reheat Thurs am. Since the kitchen was freshly painted, you can imagine the odor. Not wanting the rolls to smell like Sherwin Williams #586, I put the rolls on baking sheets and set them in the living room to rise for a few hours. Perry and I decided to go out to eat, returning in about an hour. The rolls were ready to go in the oven.
It was 8:30 PM. When I went to the living room to retrieve the pans, much to my shock one whole pan of 12 rolls was empty. I called out to Jasper and my worst nightmare became a reality. He literally wobbled over to me. He looked like a combination of the Pillsbury dough boy and the Michelin Tire man wrapped up in fur. He groaned when he walked. I swear even his cheeks were bloated.
I ran to the phone and called our vet. After a few second s of uproarious laughter, he told me the dog would probably be OK, however, I needed to give him Pepto Bismol every 2 hours for the rest of the night.
God only knows why I thought a dog would like Pepto Bismol any more than my kids did when they were sick. Suffice it to say that by the time we went to bed the dog was black, white and pink. He was so bloated we had to lift him onto the bed for the night.
We arose at 7:30 and as we always do first thing; put the dog out to relieve himself. Well, the dog was as drunk as a sailor on his first leave. He was running into walls, falling flat on his butt and most of the time when he was walking his front half was going one direction and the other half was either dragging the grass or headed 90 degrees in another direction.
He couldn't lift his leg to pee, so he would just walk and pee at the same time. When he ran down the small incline in our back yard he couldn't stop himself and nearly ended up running into the fence.
His pupils were dilated and he was as dizzy as a loon. I endured another few seconds of laughter from the vet (second call within 12 hours) before he explained that the yeast had fermented in his belly and that he was indeed drunk..
He assured me that, not unlike most binges we humans go through, it would wear off after about 4 or 5 hours and to keep giving him Pepto Bismol.
Afraid to leave him by himself in the house, Perry and I loaded him up and took him with us to my sister's house for the first Thanksgiving meal of the day.
My sister lives outside of Muskogee on a ranch, (10 to 15 minute drive). Rolls firmly secured in the trunk (124 less 12) and drunk dog leaning from the back seat onto the console of the car between Perry and I, we took off.
Now I know you probably don't believe that dogs burp, but believe me when I say that after eating a tray of risen unbaked yeast rolls, DOGS WILL BURP. These burps were pure Old Charter. They would have matched or beat any smell in a drunk tank at the police station. But that's not the worst of it.
Now he was beginning to fart and they smelled like baked rolls. God strike me dead i f I am not telling the truth! We endured this for the entire trip to Karen's, thankful she didn't live any further away than she did.
Once Jasper was firmly placed in my sister's garage with the door locked, we finally sat down to enjoy our first Thanksgiving meal of the day. The dog was the topic of conversation all morning long and everyone made trips to the garage to witness my drunken dog, each returning with a tale of Jasper's latest endeavor to walk without running into something. Of course, as the old adage goes, ‘what goes in must come out’ and Jasper was no exception.
Granted if it had been me that had eaten 12 risen, unbaked yeast rolls, you might as well have put a concrete block up my behind, but alas a dog's digestive system is quite different from yours or mine. I discovered this was a mixed blessing when we prepared to leave Karen's house.
Having discovered his ‘packages’ on the garage floor, we loaded him up in the car so we could hose down the floor.
This was another naive decision on our part. The blast of water from the hose hit the poop on the floor and the poop on the floor withstood the blast from the hose. It was like Portland cement beginning to set up and cure.
We finally tried to remove it with a shovel. I (obviously no one else was going to offer their services) had to get on my hands and knees with a coarse brush to get the remnants off of the floor. And as if this wasn't degrading enough, the darn dog in his drunken state had walked through the poop and left paw prints all over the garage floor that had to be brushed too.
Well, by this time the dog was sobering up nicely so we took him home and dropped him off before we left for our second Thanksgiving dinner at Perry's sister's house.
I am happy to report that as of today (Monday) the dog is back to normal both in size and temperament. He has had a bath and is no longer tricolor. None the worse for wear I presume. I am also happy to report that just this evening I found 2 risen unbaked yeast rolls hidden inside my closet door.
It appears he must have come to his senses after eating 10 of them but decided hiding 2 of them for later would not be a bad idea. Now, I'm doing research on the computer as to: ‘How to clean unbaked dough from the carpet.’
And how was your day?
Video: Obama Kid song reminds me of something
Youtube ^ | 10/3/08
Posted on Fri Oct 3 03:37:21 2008 by april15Bendovr
So the guy quickly jumped out of the bed, scared and naked he jumped out the window like a crazy man. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and then started to run as fast as he could to his car.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, “I am your husband!”
The woman yelled back, “Yeah, then why were you running?”
And that folks............is how the fight started.
The husband was quite happy to be pampered in this manner, so he lay in the tub, and called out for his wife to bring him his drink.
She said: If there's anything else I can do for you dear, just call for it, and I'll be happy to bring it up to you.
As soon as he heard her reach the bottom of the stairs, he let out a long, burbly bathtub fart, which produced enough stink filled bubbles to fog up the entire bathroom.
Moments later, his wife enters the room with a hot water bottle.
The confused husband looks up and says: What on earth gave you the idea that I needed a hot water bottle?
She answers: Didn't you just say, "Whataboutahottawaterbottle?"
... I've got nothing... At least Faelan here's cute.
Barry had contact with Communists in his younger years, and continued the relationship. John had contact with Communists for 5 1/2 years as a young man and has a much different impression.
That...officially creeped me out. Thank you for ruining my childhood.
Reminds me of Jerome K. Jerome’s “Three Men in a Boat.” Here’s the dissertation on work:
It always does seem to me that I am doing more work than I should do. It is not that I object to the work, mind you; I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. I love to keep it by me: the idea of getting rid of it nearly breaks my heart.
You cannot give me too much work; to accumulate work has almost become a passion with me: my study is so full of it now, that there is hardly an inch of room for any more. I shall have to throw out a wing soon.
And I am careful of my work, too. Why, some of the work that I have by me now has been in my possession for years and years, and there isn’t a finger-mark on it. I take a great pride in my work; I take it down now and then and dust it. No man keeps his work in a better state of preservation than I do.
But, though I crave for work, I still like to be fair. I do not ask for more than my proper share.
But I get it without asking for it - at least, so it appears to me - and this worries me.
In a boat, I have always noticed that it is the fixed idea of each member of the crew that he is doing everything. Harris’s notion was, that it was he alone who had been working, and that both George and I had been imposing upon him. George, on the other hand, ridiculed the idea of Harris’s having done anything more than eat and sleep, and had a cast-iron opinion that it was he - George himself - who had done all the labour worth speaking of.
Tired Of Being Badgered?
This is funny!
A look at the Obamanation:
A funny thing happened to me on the way to the gulag...
Take my fearless leader, PLEASE!
A socialist, a capitalist and a communist agreed to meet. The socialist was late. Excuse me for being late, I was standing in a queue for sausages. And what is a queue? the capitalist asked. And what is a sausage? the communist asked.
Will there really be secret police under Obama? No, by then people will have learned to arrest themselves.
How will things be under Obama? Well, Lenin showed us how to govern. Stalin showed us how not to govern. Khrushchev showed us that any fool can govern. And Brezhnev showed us that not every fool can govern.
Why have the newer models of TVs been equipped with screen wipers, similar to the windshield wipers on a car? Because people are frequently spitting at the screen.
Whats the difference between socialism and capitalism?Under capitalism one person exploits another person, and under socialism - the opposite.
After last night’s debate, it’s time fer some campaignin’
Another political satire from JibJab
Prolife, pro-WOT, against the bailout.
And she's back in Texas. She's feels a loner driving her McCain-Palin stickered car around Austin.
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