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Could You Have Passed the 8th Grade in 1895?
http://mwhodges.home.att.net/1895-test.htm ^ | by Michael Hodges

Posted on 12/18/2008 9:30:57 AM PST by Halfmanhalfamazing

Grammar (Time, one hour) 1. Give nine rules for the use of Capital Letters. 2. Name the Parts of Speech and define those that have no modifications. 3. Define Verse, Stanza and Paragraph. 4. What are the Principal Parts of a verb? Give Principal Parts of do, lie, lay and run. 5. Define Case, Illustrate each Case. 6. What is Punctuation? Give rules for principal marks of Punctuation. 7-10. Write a composition of about 150 words and show therein that you understand the practical use of the rules of grammar.

Arithmetic (Time, 1.25 hours) 1. Name and define the Fundamental Rules of Arithmetic. 2. A wagon box is 2 ft. deep, 10 feet long, and 3 ft. wide. How many bushels of wheat will it hold? 3. If a load of wheat weighs 3942 lbs., what is it worth at 50cts. per bu, deducting 1050 lbs. for tare? 4. District No. 33 has a valuation of \$35,000. What is the necessary levy to carry on a school seven months at \$50 per month, and have \$104 for incidentals? 5. Find cost of 6720 lbs. coal at \$6.00 per ton. 6. Find the interest of \$512.60 for 8 months and 18 days at 7 percent. 7. What is the cost of 40 boards 12 inches wide and 16 ft. long at \$.20 per inch? 8. Find bank discount on \$300 for 90 days (no grace) at 10 percent. 9. What is the cost of a square farm at \$15 per acre, the distance around which is 640 rods? 10.Write a Bank Check, a Promissory Note, and a Receipt.

U.S. History (Time, 45 minutes) 1. Give the epochs into which U.S. History is divided. 2. Give an account of the discovery of America by Columbus. 3. Relate the causes and results of the Revolutionary War. 4. Show the territorial growth of the United States. 5. Tell what you can of the history of Kansas. 6. Describe three of the most prominent battles of the Rebellion. 7. Who were the following: Morse, Whitney, Fulton, Bell, Lincoln, Penn, and Howe? 8. Name events connected with the following dates: 1607, 1620, 1800, 1849, and 1865?

Orthography (Time, one hour) 1. What is meant by the following: Alphabet, phonetic orthography, etymology, syllabication? 2. What are elementary sounds? How classified? 3. What are the following, and give examples of each: Trigraph, subvocals, diphthong, cognate letters, linguals? 4. Give four substitutes for caret 'u'. 5. Give two rules for spelling words with final 'e'. Name two exceptions under each rule. 6. Give two uses of silent letters in spelling. Illustrate each. 7. Define the following prefixes and use in connection with a word: Bi, dis, mis, pre, semi, post, non, inter, mono, super. 8. Mark diacritically and divide into syllables the following, and name the sign that indicates the sound: Card, ball, mercy, sir, odd, cell, rise, blood, fare, last. 9. Use the following correctly in sentences, Cite, site, sight, fane, fain, feign, vane, vain, vein, raze, raise, rays. 10.Write 10 words frequently mispronounced and indicate pronunciation by use of diacritical marks and by syllabication.

Geography (Time, one hour) 1. What is climate? Upon what does climate depend? 2. How do you account for the extremes of climate in Kansas? 3. Of what use are rivers? Of what use is the ocean? 4. Describe the mountains of N.A. 5. Name and describe the following: Monrovia, Odessa, Denver, Manitoba, Hecla, Yukon, St. Helena, Juan Fermandez, Aspinwall and Orinoco. 6. Name and locate the principal trade centers of the U.S. 7. Name all the republics of Europe and give capital of each. 8. Why is the Atlantic Coast colder than the Pacific in the same latitude? 9. Describe the process by which the water of the ocean returns to the sources of rivers. 10.Describe the movements of the earth. Give inclination of the earth.

TOPICS: Education; History; Miscellaneous; Reference
KEYWORDS: education; liberalism; teachersunions
first 1-5051-75 next last
All I can say is GOOD GRIEF!

This just goes to show how far our education has been dumbed down.

1 posted on 12/18/2008 9:30:57 AM PST by Halfmanhalfamazing

To: Halfmanhalfamazing

Not me, I wasn’t born until 1957.

2 posted on 12/18/2008 9:32:37 AM PST by SFR

To: SFR

Yeah, by then the softening of the curricula was well under way.

Did you come even close? These tests from the 1800s are not easy.

3 posted on 12/18/2008 9:35:15 AM PST by Halfmanhalfamazing (There is no "rich". There is only "the hiring class".)

To: Halfmanhalfamazing

This test hurts my feelings.

4 posted on 12/18/2008 9:35:43 AM PST by ClearCase_guy

To: SFR

Bingo. Lets see someone from 1895 build a website!

5 posted on 12/18/2008 9:35:49 AM PST by Troll_House_Cookies (Ironically, Chancellor Obama's first re-education camp will be in Alaska.)

To: Halfmanhalfamazing

Sorry. This is an urban legend. Please see http://www.snopes.com/language/document/1895exam.asp for the background of this hoary chestnut.

6 posted on 12/18/2008 9:36:43 AM PST by redpoll

To: Halfmanhalfamazing
7 posted on 12/18/2008 9:37:20 AM PST by Drew68

To: Halfmanhalfamazing

Arithmetic’s doable, but the rest... ah... I may need time. ;)

8 posted on 12/18/2008 9:37:22 AM PST by CE2949BB (Fight.)

To: SFR
Not me, I wasn’t born until 1957.

Mee too. I would be -69 years old.

9 posted on 12/18/2008 9:38:05 AM PST by TexGuy (If it has the slimmest of chances of being considered sarcasm ... IT IS!)

To: Halfmanhalfamazing

Since the classroom was different as the teaching of that era and I’ve never been in a classroom of that time period, the answer is no.

10 posted on 12/18/2008 9:38:08 AM PST by lilylangtree (Veni, Vidi, Vici)

To: Halfmanhalfamazing
Geography:
4. Describe the mountains of N.A.

I can answer that one. I am currently in Irvine CA for business. I reside in MA. This is my first trip to the West Coast.
The only description I can give of the mountains I've seen this week (between rain storms) is...Holy Crap!

I'll be taking lots of photos this weekend. (If I can tear myself away from The Irvine Spectrum.)

11 posted on 12/18/2008 9:38:27 AM PST by Bloody Sam Roberts (A couple of pints and a package of crisps....ahhh. Life's good.)

To: redpoll

GMTA

12 posted on 12/18/2008 9:39:05 AM PST by Drew68

To: Halfmanhalfamazing

“This just goes to show how far our education has been dumbed down. “

In researching the novel I recently wrote, I learned a lot about education in the 1800’s. First it was valued above anything for those who could afford it. I have volumes of documents, letters, written by Cherokee ancestors from the early 1800’s, all the way through. They had to fight hard to be educated and they were better educated than most students of today. One day perhaps, we will get back to the idea of education being valuable.

13 posted on 12/18/2008 9:39:09 AM PST by AuntB (The right to vote in America: Blacks 1870; Women 1920; Native Americans 1925)

To: Halfmanhalfamazing

I am truly offended and intimidated. That article should have not been written in black. A soft, understated purple should have been used. :D

14 posted on 12/18/2008 9:39:28 AM PST by RushIsMyTeddyBear

To: Halfmanhalfamazing

The students of today know only to vilify our current President and praise the prez-elect.

15 posted on 12/18/2008 9:39:32 AM PST by lilylangtree (Veni, Vidi, Vici)

To: Halfmanhalfamazing

No, I could not have passed. Maybe I could dig up a McGuffy Reader.

16 posted on 12/18/2008 9:40:49 AM PST by madison10

To: ClearCase_guy

What few people realize here...is that when a kid finished and passed the local school board exam (at whatever age he could passed)...he actually knew something. When you measure the amount of knowledge that George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, or Thomas Edison had at 18....its probably what you’d find in a 22-year old guy who finishes up four years of college.

At some point, up until the 1940s....high school meant something and most everyone in America got by without a degree of any sort. My grandmother had six months of teaching college in the 1910 period...and proceeded to teach kids (with no certificates).

If the public ever came to grasp the significance of school in 1895...they might ask some really stupid questions...which your local school board really doesn’t want to answer.

17 posted on 12/18/2008 9:41:33 AM PST by pepsionice

To: Halfmanhalfamazing

i m a publik scewl teechur. I might be able to teach some of this if the NEA would let me. I would also need permission to discipline my students as they would have in 1895.

18 posted on 12/18/2008 9:41:59 AM PST by goodwithagun (My gun has killed less people than Ted Kennedy's car.)

To: Halfmanhalfamazing

bfltr

19 posted on 12/18/2008 9:42:09 AM PST by mnehring

To: Halfmanhalfamazing
Obama’s Harvard-educated pick for Sec. of Education, Duncan, couldn't begin to pass this test. He doesn't even have today's basic grammar skills as evidenced by yesterday's public appearance quote “...gave my wife and I.....” . If it wasn't important for him, why should he think it is important for the children?
20 posted on 12/18/2008 9:42:09 AM PST by Melinda

To: redpoll

Not a very comprehensive Snopes article. It doesn’t explain how the fake originally arose, which makes me wonder if it is true after all. In any case, the dumbing down of education has been quantified. Test scores have been in decline, which is usually attributed to a greater “democratization” of the tests. But the absolute number of people scoring over a 600 on the verbal SAT declined by 64% in the 1970’s and 1980’s. See for example, “The Schools We Need, and Why We Don’t Have Them” by E.D. Hirsch.

21 posted on 12/18/2008 9:42:30 AM PST by Jibaholic ("Those people who are not ruled by God will be ruled by tyrants." --William Penn)

To: Halfmanhalfamazing

Ridiculous!
How will this test help my self-esteem?!
And no mention of global warming or diversity?
At least my ‘F’ should be in purple marker...

22 posted on 12/18/2008 9:44:26 AM PST by astyanax (If you need to wear a mask while speaking your mind, it is probably best you remain silent...)

To: SFR

I wouldn’t do too well.

23 posted on 12/18/2008 9:44:46 AM PST by unkus

To: Halfmanhalfamazing
In a related note, I have a sneak peek for everyone of the 2009 8th grade aptitude test.

1. Describe how you feel now. (4 hours)

24 posted on 12/18/2008 9:44:53 AM PST by mnehring

I have an Elson Grammar School Reader grade 6 (1910) on my desk. Know what the first poetry unit is titled? Patriotism, Stories, Poems and Nature and Duty.

25 posted on 12/18/2008 9:45:28 AM PST by goodwithagun (My gun has killed less people than Ted Kennedy's car.)

To: redpoll
Sorry. This is an urban legend. Please see http://www.snopes.com/language/document/1895exam.asp for the background of this hoary chestnut.

Did you read the article you link to? It is NOT an urban legend. It's an actual test from 1895, whether it was a High School exam or an 8th grade test is not known. Snope's doesn't make any effort to debunk the test...only it's significance as a tool to measure modern academic progress.

And FWIW, Snopes is not the be all and end all of internet research.! Who the hell died and made them the Gaurdians of Truth?

26 posted on 12/18/2008 9:46:11 AM PST by pgkdan

To: redpoll

Ahh, but Snopes doesn’t say the test isn’t real, they discount the need for the reader to pass it.

27 posted on 12/18/2008 9:47:04 AM PST by mnehring

To: redpoll

Ouch.

But this isn’t without irony. They give an example of a teaching exam which is terribly difficult from the 1800s.

So I guess the thread is salvaged. :-)

28 posted on 12/18/2008 9:47:22 AM PST by Halfmanhalfamazing (There is no "rich". There is only "the hiring class".)

To: Halfmanhalfamazing

wtf...!!! lol no wonder kids today are stupid look at todays teachings.....

29 posted on 12/18/2008 9:51:18 AM PST by tatsinfla

To: redpoll; Halfmanhalfamazing; CE2949BB

I read the explanation on Snopes and DID NOT see where they said that the exam itself was a false urban legend. What they did say is that kids could probably learn the same thing today IF it was taught and then they mentioned that certain things that we would consider important today are not addressed.

30 posted on 12/18/2008 9:53:17 AM PST by wagglebee ("A political party cannot be all things to all people." -- Ronald Reagan, 3/1/75)

To: Jibaholic

Exactly. I looked through that Snopes article and didn’t see anything that explained WHY it was false. Sounds like the leftist who wrote it just doesn’t like the fact that it might be the case.

I still have proof education has fallen; I read Rime of the Ancient Mariner in my Senior AP English class in high school. My brother found a 1890’s literature textbook with the same poem; it was for the 5th grade!

31 posted on 12/18/2008 9:53:30 AM PST by lado

To: Jibaholic
Not a very comprehensive Snopes article. It doesn’t explain how the fake originally arose,

Actually, Snopes doesn't declare that the test is false. The ONLY thing Snopes attempts to proclaim as false is the idea that the test demonstrates that children were better educated a century ago.

32 posted on 12/18/2008 9:56:03 AM PST by wagglebee ("A political party cannot be all things to all people." -- Ronald Reagan, 3/1/75)

To: redpoll
Sorry. This is an urban legend. Please see http://www.snopes.com/language/document/1895exam.asp for the background of this hoary chestnut.

The Snopes article does not debunk it. It in fact assumes it is true, and reinforces it is true by referencing a similar test for teachers. The Snopes article apparently attempts to argue the argument that the test invites.

33 posted on 12/18/2008 9:58:10 AM PST by Rightwing Conspiratr1

To: wagglebee

Exactly, that was the point I was trying to make, albiet poorly.

34 posted on 12/18/2008 9:58:17 AM PST by Jibaholic ("Those people who are not ruled by God will be ruled by tyrants." --William Penn)

Lets see someone from 1895 build a website!

That's like comparing apples to onions. The knowledge taught in 1895 had purpose...and that was to "function" as a responsible citizen who could make his/her own way in the real world.

The purpose of today's education system is to indoctrinate and rely on nanny gov't.

35 posted on 12/18/2008 10:00:19 AM PST by LaineyDee (Don't mess with Texas wimmen!)

To: Bloody Sam Roberts
The only description I can give of the mountains I've seen this week (between rain storms) is...Holy Crap!

Reminds me of something years ago when I was in the LA Basin. Our office was in West Covina, it was late September and a new guy moved in from NY. One day he said:

"I don't see the issues here with the smog".

I pointed north and said: "You see those mountains over there (He could not because of the smog)."

He looked at me like I was crazy, I then commented, "Well let me know when you do."

A week later it rained and LA basin was crystal clear. His comment to me was the same as yours: "HOLY CRAP"

You are in LA at the best time of year, brisk, clear and there may be snow on the mountains (I am in SF, not LA). Under those conditions LA can be quite a sight.

36 posted on 12/18/2008 10:04:01 AM PST by Michael.SF. ("They're not Americans. They're liberals! "-- Ann Coulter, May 15, 2008)

To: lilylangtree

37 posted on 12/18/2008 10:05:00 AM PST by A knight without armor

To: Jibaholic

Snopes does make a few good points (literature not being mentioned, etc.) and they are right that kids today COULD learn these things if they were being taught, but they fail to account for the fact that finding the necessary number of teachers who were capable of teaching at this level would be impossible.

38 posted on 12/18/2008 10:08:31 AM PST by wagglebee ("A political party cannot be all things to all people." -- Ronald Reagan, 3/1/75)

To: Halfmanhalfamazing

Pick up a text book for those times and you’d easliy pass the tests. Things DO change.

39 posted on 12/18/2008 10:08:43 AM PST by Sacajaweau (I'm planting corn...Have to feed my car...)

To: Halfmanhalfamazing

Yes, but people being people, just like they are today, very few people back then could probably get an A on these tests, either.

The difference is that the people who did poorer on those tests back then, still studied, were learning, and did learn something. Today you’ve got people not even studying at all for anything.

40 posted on 12/18/2008 10:10:43 AM PST by Secret Agent Man (I'd like to tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.)

To: Bloody Sam Roberts

Figures you’d be drawn to this school test....me too!
Can’t wait to see all the pictures!
miss you bunches

41 posted on 12/18/2008 10:11:41 AM PST by Mrs. B.S. Roberts

To: Jibaholic

>>>Not a very comprehensive Snopes article. It doesn’t explain how the fake originally arose, which makes me wonder if it is true after all. In any case, the dumbing down of education has been quantified. Test scores have been in decline, which is usually attributed to a greater “democratization” of the tests. But the absolute number of people scoring over a 600 on the verbal SAT declined by 64% in the 1970’s and 1980’s. See for example, “The Schools We Need, and Why We Don’t Have Them” by E.D. Hirsch.<<<

Nice to see someone else familiar with the ideas contained in the background knowledge approach to education. That’s how I operate my classes - an emphasis on the classics, practice, hard work, and excellence. You get your self-esteem from productive effort.

Since I’m writing tests all the time, I can see how this fake arose. The Kansas test is almost a satire of the “hard-ass” test, with its focus on tiny, almost useless facts, while ignoring questions that would demonstrate real understanding and knowledge. Then there are the bizarre little twists which make my sh*t detector go off - why is the question about punctuation, in fact, have the improper punctuation? The same problem with grammar applies to the question about the parts of a verb. The history section asks for the importance of certain years without mention of 1776 or 1787 - or, for that matter, 1812. And what’s this about an entire district having a valuation of \$35,000? That’s a mighty poor chunk of property, even for 1895. And Hecla is a Wyoming ghost town which lasted for a speck of time without any real settlement - what the hell value would that place have for anyone, let alone a student memorizing it in 1895 Kansas?

Perhaps it is because I have often made fun of the sorry state of American schools myself that I can see what looks to me like satire. The satire seeks to demonstrate the pathetic education many students receive in American schools, and actually does a pretty good job of it. There are many reasons for that state of affairs, but tests like this one aren’t the reason.

42 posted on 12/18/2008 10:12:08 AM PST by redpoll

To: Halfmanhalfamazing

Wait wait wait wait.....they had school in the 1800’s???

43 posted on 12/18/2008 10:12:55 AM PST by VanillaBlizzard (Welcome to the USSA (United Socialist States of America))

To: redpoll; Drew68

The Scopes article didn’t say the test is bogus as an example of a 1895 school test. They pointed out that:

1) Most any 40-yr old today would have trouble taking their old HS tests because they were not recently studying and learning the facts, figures and techniques upon which the tests are based on.

2) There are significant differences in what a student was required to learn in 1895 rather than in 2008. Such as learning to function or excel in an agrarian society where little knowledge of foreign affairs was necessary for the avarage person VS needing to learn about the entire world to be sucessful in today’s TV/computer/internet driven society.

44 posted on 12/18/2008 10:24:41 AM PST by citizen (Fascism: All persons, capital & activities exist to support the will & best interests of the State.)

To: Jibaholic

Snopes does not say that test is a fake.

Snopes merely says the information required in the test is not similar to the information tested in this era.

The “relevence” issue is what percentage of the students in 1895 would ace our tests. I’d bet most, if not all of them would.

45 posted on 12/18/2008 10:25:28 AM PST by woollyone ("When the tide is low, even a shrimp has its own puddle." - Vance Havner)

To: Halfmanhalfamazing
A History of the World compiled from hilarious student test answers from numerous sources in Australia, Canada, the United Kingdom and the United States. You'd better sit down before you read this.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, _Guinesses_, God created the Big Bang. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?" Noah built the Arc to rescue the animals which were killed by the Big Bang.

Noah's wife was Joan of Arc, who reigned for forty days and forty nights. God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they didn't take to it.

One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites. Pharoah forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients. Afterward, Moses went up Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.

David was a Hebrew King skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called Mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot.

The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation.

The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube.

The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

The capital of Egypt is Cleopatra.

Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history.

The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable.

Achilles appears in _The Illiad_ by Homer.

Homer also wrote _The Oddity_, in which Penelope had the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice.

They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits and threw the java.

The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands.

There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbours were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

Eventually, the Ramones conquered the Greeks.

History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. The Romans spoke Latin, and their armies conjugated the peoples of many nations.

At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefield of Gaul.

He conquered Europe, Africa and Peru. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king.

Caesar had a trusted friend named Marie Antoinette. Nero was a cruel tyrant who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Then came the Middle Ages. They were called Dark Ages because the nights were very long.

King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings.

Joan of Arc was canonised by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks.

Finally the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offence.

In Midevil times, most of the people were alliterate.

The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature.

Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull.

It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the Father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Galileo invented the telephone, but the Church later cut his communications. Sir Walter Raleigh is an historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of the blood.

Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

Marco Polo went to China and he would not leave until they gave him spaghetti. China was ruled by Confusion.

Chinese people sailed in ships made out of junk. They were very poor. Japan was ruled by warriors called Samaritans. The ruler of Japan was called the Vampire.

Japanese houses were made of rice and paper. The most famous mountain in Japan is Mount Fuey. The most famous cities in Japan are Tokyo, Oshkosh and Saki.

The government of England was a limited mockery. King Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen".

As a queen, she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "Hurrah!" Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. Shakespeare never made much money, and is famous only because of his plays.

He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespeare's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy.

In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are examples of an heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes.

He wrote _Donkey Hoty_. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote _Paradise Lost_.

Then his wife dies and he wrote _Paradise Regained_. Moliere was a French playwright who wrote French plays, and most of them were in French. He lived in France.

During the Renaissance, America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic Ocean.

His ships was called the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Atlantic Ocean, and this was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock in Massachusetts, they were greeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them.

The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their backs. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born.

Captain John Smith was responsible for all this. Pocahontas was a princess from Indiana.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in the tea. The Boston Tea Party was when angry colonists dumped tea into Boston Harbour dressed as Indonesians.

Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without any stamps. During the war, Red Coats and Paul Revere were throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the war and no longer had to pay for taxis.

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin was two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm.

He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became The Father of His Country.

Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constipation, the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became the greatest President of the United States. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength".

He also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand."

Jefferson Davis became President of the Confounded States of America, which began the Civilised War. Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg address while travelling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope.

He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims.

The Civil War ended when General Granite defeated General Lee on the Battlefield of Appendicitis. On the night of 14 April 1865 Lincoln went to the theatre and got shot in his seat by John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

During the Reconstruction the transcontinental railway was completed when they hammered the Golden Spick into the ground. So Spain declared war on the United States.

Spain sent many conquistadores, toreadores and cuspidores to the New World. Hernando Cortisone conquered Mexico in 1521. Most of the Aztecs and their ruler Moctezuma II were fatally slain by this.

Francisco Pizzeria conquered Peru in 1533 but he lost the Inky city of Matzoh Pizza. He could not find it for many centuries but by then he was dead. Argentina was inhibited by cowboys called grouchos. They lived in Buenos Aires and threw bolas which annoyed the citizens.

The Queen of Argentina wore a tiara called Dell Fuego. The capital of Paraguay is Uruguay. The capital of Chile is Sacramento. The capital of Bolivia is Lapiz. The capital of Venezuela is Castanets.

Finally in 1820 the revolting leader Simon Bolivar told Spain to go home and so most of South America became incontinent.

But Brazil was full of nuts because it was a colony of Portugal instead.

The Amazon River is inhabited by piranhas, a fierce cavernous fish which eats cannibals. The Amazon River was named for the Amazons who were a tribe of man-eating women. Rio de Janeiro has a famous beach called Copenhagen.

Canada was discovered when French explorer Samuel de Complain found Quebec City on the Saint Laureate River. The French colonies grew and prospered until they suffered seizures and became British.

After the American Revolution, Loyalists moved into Canada and became French again. The Domino of Canada was created in 1867.

When the gold rush began at the Klondike River in 1898, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police were created to preserve odor.

They made each miner carry 2 tons of supplies on his back because the Yukon Territory had no resources. The capital of Canada is Ontario. The capital of Ontario is Tornado.

Australia was discovered by Captain Hook. The land reminded him of England so he named it New South Wales.

Australia was inhabited only by kangaroos, koalas and boomerangs. Tasmania was inhabited by devils. Kangaroos are marzipans and carry their babies in a papoose.

Koalas live in calypso trees. Australia was penalised as a British colony because the settlers had strong convictions.

Sydney Harbour was named because it harboured many criminals. Melbourne was a separate colony because they did not want convicts, but Melbourne had all the gold and so they got politicians instead. Darwin was named for Charles Darwin who invented the platypus.

The capital of Australia is Conifer. Waltzing Matilda was a famous woman who danced across the Outback. She died.

Australia is in the Southern Hemisphere and so its seasonings are upside-down.

When it is summer it is really winter and so people must wear coats even when it is hot. Water flows up out of drains in the Southern Hemisphere.

New Zealand is close to Australia, or Asia, or somewhere, and you can go over to it on a bridge. The original inhabitants of New Zealand were a tribe of Polyhedrons called Maoris.

The largest city in New Zealand is Oxygen. The capital of New Zealand is Wellington, which was named for Duke Ellington.

Africa was called the Dark Continent because it was on the dark side of the Earth.

In the north of Africa lived nomadic peoples called Bedpans who dwelt in Maracas. The Sahara Desert was named because people deserted it. South of the desert lived people called Nehrus who had a ritual dance called the Conga. Sir Richard Burton discovered the Vile River and later became a famous actor.

South Africa was colonised by Dutch settlers who were known as the Boors. However the colonists did not like this name and called themselves Afrikaners instead. The Cecil Roads were highways to the diamond mines. The Afrikaners had a government called apartment which did not let the people live in houses.

Meanwhile in Europe, the Enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and wrote a book called _Candy_.

Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn when the apples are falling off the trees. Before gravity, the Earth rotated much more slowly.

Back was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large.

John Sebastian Bach died from 1750 to the present. Henry Purcell is a well-known composer few people have ever heard of.

Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music. Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest when everyone was calling for him.

I guess he could not hear so good. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. Liszt became an abbey.

Johannes Brahms wrote the Bronze Lullaby. Tchaikovsky died of cauliflower. Caruso was at first an Italian. Then someone heard his voice and said he would go a long way.

And so he came to America. Aaron Copland is one of your most famous contemporary composers. It is unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are dead.

France was in a very serious state. The Queen of France was Marie Antony.

She ate cake and doughnuts all the time. The people loved her because she was very beautiful and very obese, and she gave them cake. The King of France was Louis XYZ. But the people hated him because he was a very angry man who lost his head all the time.

The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Mayonnaise was the theme song of the French Revulsion and it catapulted into Napoleon.

During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish Gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks.

Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children.

Napoleon was defeated at the Battle of Waterlog and died in exile in Helena, Montana.

Many great inventions and ideas were discovered. Samuel Moose invented the telegraph, and later he invented the Remorse Code because he regretted it.

The Marx Brothers wrote _Das Capital_ and _The Communist Infestation_.

Sherlock Holmes invented the telephone and called "Watson, come here, I want you!" Henry Ford invented the infernal digestion engine. The Eyfful Tower was named because it was very large. Julio Macaroni invented the radio.

Adolf Hitler became Chancellor of Germany after President Hindenberg requested him to build a cabinet.

Hindenberg exploded in New Jersey and later died from this. But Hitler was not really German because he was born just across the border in Australia. Hitler ruled Germany with secret police known as the Gaspacho. Hitler did not like his friends and so he started World War II. He lost.

At first Hitler was successful when he defeated the Maginot Lion. However toward the end of the war Hitler was often bombed. He died of acute suicide.

The Twentieth Century was known as the Dawn of Man. In 1969 Buzz Armstrong was the first man on the Moon. He took a small step because it was a leap year.

But he did not stay very long because the Moon has no atmosphere.

Astronauts weigh less on the Moon because they are so far from Earth. The Moon rotates on its anxiety once per month.

46 posted on 12/18/2008 10:27:13 AM PST by BulletBobCo

To: Halfmanhalfamazing

More evidence for the seperation of school and state.

47 posted on 12/18/2008 10:30:38 AM PST by BenLurkin (mornie utille mornie alantie)

To: Halfmanhalfamazing

Correct me if I am wrong. While I am sure academia was more rigorous, a majority (or at least a significant minority) of school age children might not have made it TO eighth grade, let alone PAST eighth grade.

I don’t know whether we can reliably extrapolate from this that kids were generally more knowledgeable then, than now.

48 posted on 12/18/2008 10:35:18 AM PST by Larry Lucido (Sorry, all out of free Brightsides and Lazamatazes. If you took two, please return one.)

To: AuntB
I don't believe we will, as the institution of education has been systematically dumbed down to control the masses.

There is less control over educated people but the uneducated are easy to manipulate by their emotions and propaganda.

Their success in achieving their goal was illustrated this November.

49 posted on 12/18/2008 10:37:00 AM PST by call meVeronica

To: redpoll
This is an urban legend. See Snopes

Actually, they do not say that at all. They do not deny the authenticity of the test. They just say, "Big deal. It doesn't matter." It really brings the whole Snopes thing down significantly to my mind.

ML/NJ

50 posted on 12/18/2008 10:38:42 AM PST by ml/nj