$$$$ThE oFfIcIaL fRiDaY sIlLiNeSs ThReAd$$$$

5/15/09 | Me!!

[Lucky9teen]

Q. What's the difference between Obama giving a speech and a cardboard cutout of Obama giving a speech? 

A. The cardboard cutout looks at the camera instead of the teleprompter.



Q. What do Miley Cyrus and Barack Obama have in common?

A. They both attract young people with mindless verses.


In the beginning, God created heaven and earth.

Shortly thereafter God was in receipt of a notice to show cause why he shouldn't be cited for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary planning permit for the project, but was stymied by a Cease and Desist Order for the earthly part.

At the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.

Then God said, "Let there be light."

Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would it require strip mining? What about thermal pollution?

God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire, and provisional approval was granted with the proviso that no smoke would result.

The authorities demanded the issuance of a building permit, and (to conserve energy) required that the light be left off half the time. God agreed, saying he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night." Officials replied that they were only interested in protecting the environment, not in semantics.

God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed."

The EPA agreed, so long as only native seed was used.

Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth."

Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.

Everything went along smoothly until God declared that he intended to complete the project in six days.

Officials informed God it would take at least 200 days to review his many waiver applications and environmental impact statements. After that there would have to be a public hearing, and then there would be a 10-12 month probationary period before....

At this point, God created Hell.


How Government Works
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said,"Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost." So they laid off the night watchman.


A Guy walks into a store. He sees three brains on display. One is a Libertarian Brain, priced at $250. The second is a Republican Brain, priced at $275. The third is a Democrat Brain, priced at $5,000,000.

The Guy asks the sales clerk, "Man, why does the Democrat brain cost so much more than the other two?"

Clerk replies, "Well, sir, that brain has never been used.


The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, filling everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten raccoon. The raccoon is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"


Your Obama jokes is not funny! Bush is a chimpanzy! HAHAHA.

[lilylangtree]

ROTFL! I enjoyed that. :)

[arbooz]

Good one.

[Lady Jag]

[GreenAccord]

New Hampshire
North Dakota
North Carolina
Pennsylvania (if you're letting a Y not be a vowel, and then it's 6 consonants!)

[unique]

Things to say at work:

1. Obviously you’re unable to assimilate my stimulating concepts into your blighted and simplistic world-view.

2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

3. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

4. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of it.

5. I like you. You remind me of me when I was young and stupid.

6. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?!?

7. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.

8. I’ll give you a nice, shiny quarter if you’ll go away.

9. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

11. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.

12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

13. How about never? Is never good for you?

14. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

15. You sound reasonable. It must be time to up my medication.

16. You’re just jealous because the little voices talk to ME.

17. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.

18. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

19. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.

20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
_____

While she was “flying” down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, “What’s your hurry?”
To which she replied, “I’m late for work.”
Oh yeah,” said the cop, “what do you do?”
I’m a rectum stretcher,” she responded.
The cop stammered, “A what? A rectum stretcher?
And just what does a rectum stretcher do?”
“Well,” she said, “I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it’s about 6 feet wide.”
“And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot a$$hole ? “ he asked.
“You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...”!!!!!!!
Traffic Ticket - $95.00
Court Costs - $45.00
Look on the Cop’s Face..............PRICELESS!!!!!!!

[21stCenturion]

Except when it occurs as the first letter of a word ( in English ), ‘y’ is ALWAYS a vowel.

A famous quote I cherish — “Of course, you’re entitled to your own opinion; your own conclusions; even your own agenda. But NO ONE is entitled to their own facts.”

... no cigar on this’n.

[Lost Dutchman]

[Fawn]

I ony like chocolate chips when they are milk chocolate right out of the bag.

[Lucky9teen]

New HaMPSHire
PeNNSYLVania

Has 3:
WashiNGTon

I don’t know where the other one with 4 is...dang

[Lucky9teen]

HawAII
lOUIsianna

[Lucky9teen]

catchphrase

[Lucky9teen]

PUZZLE

The sequence 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 incorporates another sequence: 1, 1, 1, 2, 2, 1, 1, 1, 1, 2. Why?

[Lucky9teen]

[Bacon Man]

Is there anything bacon can’t do?

[Pan_Yan]

I asked Google for walking directions from Atlanta, Georgia, where I work now, to Billings, Montana, where I grew up. Things were fairly straight forward until the map got into Montana. Then the directions became a little vauge ...

497. Turn right___About 18 mins ___go 0.9 mi
498. Turn right___About 1 hour 38 mins ___go 4.8 mi
499. Turn right ___About 1 hour 46 mins ___ go 5.2 mi
500. Turn left ___About 18 mins ___go 0.9 mi
501. Turn right ___About 24 mins ___ go 1.2 mi
502. Turn left ___About 1 hour 40 mins ___ go 5.2 mi
503. Turn left ___About 54 mins ___go 2.8 mi
504. Turn right toward Sarpy Creek Rd ___ About 15 mins___ go 0.7 mi
505. Slight right at Sarpy Creek Rd ___ About 17 mins ___ go 0.9 mi
506. Turn left ___ About 35 mins ___ go 1.5 mi
507. Turn right ___ About 13 mins ___ go 0.6 mi
508. Turn right ___ About 1 min ___ go 230 ft
509. Turn left ___ About 17 mins ___ go 0.9 mi
510. Turn left ___ About 10 mins ___ go 0.5 mi
511. Turn left ___ About 14 mins ___ go 0.9 mi
512. Turn right toward Sarpy Rd ___ About 36 mins ___go 1.9 mi
513. Turn left at Sarpy Rd ___ About 5 hours 36 mins ___ go 17.4 mi

[ShadowAce]

Her's a puzzle:

1
11
21
1211
111221
312211
13112221
1113213211

What's next in the sequence?

[GreenAccord]

Except when it occurs as the first letter of a word ( in English ), ‘y’ is ALWAYS a vowel.

I can think of compound words where the Y rule doesn't apply, (barnyard, stockyard...) And is it a vowel in "mayor"?

[Lucky9teen]

Irrespective of size and gauge, what is the most number of times a square piece of paper can be folded in half? (And not by repeatedly folding and unfolding it which would be cheating.)

[Pan_Yan]

1
11
21
1211
111221
312211
13112221
1113213211
21132113221?

[unique]

A woman is going to Italy to attend a company training session.

Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her a good trip.

“Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?”

The husband laughs and says: “An Italian girl !!!” The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: “So, honey, how was the trip?”

“Very good, thank you.”

“And, what happened to my present?”

“Which present?” She asked.

“The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!”

“Oh, that” she said “Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl.
_____

[Izzy Dunne]

I don’t know where the other one with 4 is

See #85

[Scythian]

I will solve the mideast peace process ...

[ShadowAce]

Nope. Sorry.

[fredhead]

Is that Cesar Romero’s mustache I see?

Oh, Nancy forgot to wax.

[King Moonracer]

Can you blame Ahhhnnnold? Pot is a low carb alternative to liquor. Either that, or he just took a major dump.

[unique]

By the way - here's a news report on the latest trend - More American Workers Outsourcing Own Jobs Overseas

[r-q-tek86]

Fatasizing about the hot guy/girl in the next cubicle

What kind of freakshow place do you work at?

[Tamar1973]

This is the best ice cream ever. http://www.coconutbliss.com/

[Dr. Zzyzx]

zero, one, two, skip a a few, ninety-eight, ninety-nine

[Izzy Dunne]

What's next in the sequence?

That's easy - just google it! ;->

link

[ErnBatavia]

Bacon does it all...

[Eaker]

Is there anything bacon can’t do?

Thankfully no.

[jaydubya2]

"Go to google.

Type in the search field “find Chuck Norris” and hit the “I am feeling lucky” button."

That triggered my work internet nanny as an unsafe site!

[BenLurkin]

[BenLurkin]

[Nateman]

[Izzy Dunne]

Is there anything bacon can’t do?

I support bacon!

and vice versa...

[MaryFromMichigan]

Oh, what a fun tread!

Very cool optical illusion...
Despite your eyes telling you that the letter A is sitting on a dark gray square, and that the letter B is on a much lighter shade of gray, believe it or not, the squares are the EXACT same color!

I put them side by side here:

You may have to open it in a graphic application or print it up and fold it over to prove it to yourself!

[Izzy Dunne]

I did it and I wouldn't have believed it if I didn't.

But they're the same color!

[MaryFromMichigan]

It really is remarkable isn’t it?
You can’t always believe your eyes!

[Zeppelin]

Name two U.S. states with three consecutive vowels in their name.

3??? I count fourteen...

Louiiiiiiiiiiiisiana

[Izzy Dunne]

I even used a color picker to measure the color of the two sections.

They're the same!

[dayglored]

> I support bacon! and vice versa...

It's what's for dinner! Mmmm nom nom nom...

[sniper63]

The sequence 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 incorporates another sequence: 1, 1, 1, 2, 2, 1, 1, 1, 1, 2. Why?

1=1, 1+1=2, 1+1+1=3, 1+1+2=4, 1+2+2=5, 1+2+2+1=6 1+2+2+1+1=7, 1+2+2+1+1+1=8, 1+2+2+1+1+1+1=9, 2+2+1+1+1+1+2=10

[Ronin]

You obviously have too much free time on your hands.

[Nateman]

[garyhope]

I hate Ben & Jerry, both anti-American socialist, commies, traitors, etc.

I don’t buy Ben and Jerry’s anything.

They support cop killers, Muhamad whatever his name is who killed the Philly policeman.

Screw Ben and Jerry’s.

[GreenAccord]

Sorry - bailed at work yesterday and never got back to the thread. Your folding answer is 7. Did you ever give the final answer tot he states with 4 consecutive consonants? Were the two word state names part of the answer?

[21stCenturion]

WRT compound words, the rule I use is irrelevant. Note, however, that in each case you cited, and most I can think of, the second of the compound words still obeys the rule.

In the case of ‘mayor’ ...

may·or (mr, mâr) n. The head of government of a city, town, borough, or municipal corporation.

[Middle English maire, from Old French, from Medieval Latin mior, from Latin, greater, superior; see meg- in Indo-European roots.]

The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition copyright ©2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Updated in 2003. Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.

... note how the syllables are defined — may - or. Makes it a vowel by my reckoning.

Gotcha ta think about it, though ...

[CIDKauf]

North Dakota, South Dakota, North Carolina