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(-:~ThE oFfIcIaL fRiDaY sIlLiNeSs ThReAd~:-)

Posted on 04/09/2010 5:28:55 AM PDT by Lucky9teen




"And in a major reversal of U.S. policy, President Obama has narrowed the conditions under which we would use nuclear weapons. He said we'd only use them against Iran, North Korea or Fox News." –Jay Leno

"President Obama has come out with a new policy for using nuclear weapons. In a related story, Joe Biden said he would try not to drop the F-bomb so often." –Jay Leno

"The United States and Russia have signed a historic nuclear weapons treaty. Apparently, Russia is getting a little nervous. They heard we had successfully mounted a warhead on a Toyota Prius." –Jay Leno

"Next week, the president of China will be at the White House. And good news — he has no plans to foreclose." –Jay Leno

"Well, give you an idea how important this visit is from the Chinese president, I understand Joe Biden is busy learning some Chinese curse words." –Jay Leno


"Well, earlier today, President Obama threw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals' home opener against the Philadelphia Phillies. And then Vice President Joe Biden was thrown out for cursing at the umpire." –Jay Leno

"Actually, President Obama didn't actually throw the ball. He got it to the catcher's mitt through a series of back-door dealings." –Jay Leno

"Last night, President Obama gave a speech at the Boston Opera House. It was a long night, because you know what they say about the opera: 'It ain't over until the fat lady gets lectured on her eating habits by Michelle Obama.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Michelle Obama held a town hall meeting on C-SPAN to answer questions from kids about her anti-obesity campaign. The most popular question from kids was, 'Why are you doing this to us, lady?'" –Jimmy Fallon


TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: nuclear; ofst; silliness
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To: a fool in paradise

What was it? I can’t see the pic


81 posted on 04/09/2010 12:07:20 PM PDT by Lucky9teen (I'll just say the 2nd amendment to the Constitution is there for a reason!)
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To: Lucky9teen

Creepy wide mouthed grinning cat with rolling eyes.


82 posted on 04/09/2010 12:08:53 PM PDT by a fool in paradise (VP Biden on Obamacare's passage: "This is a big f-ing deal". grumpygresh: "Repeal the f-ing deal")
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To: All

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, “My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I’d better see a doctor.”

“Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Mike replies

“There’s a diagnostic computer down at WalMart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor.”

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to WalMart.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

“You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart..”

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results.. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results .

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Walmart


83 posted on 04/09/2010 12:20:19 PM PDT by sunny48
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To: Pan_Yan

Guido Paolino Lucrezia Benedetto

I love it!!!!!


84 posted on 04/09/2010 12:28:00 PM PDT by Lucretia Borgia (Never bring a knife to a gun battle. Never bring a community organizer to lead your army.)
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To: ShadowAce

muffler shop:
no appointment needed, we’ll hear you coming.


85 posted on 04/09/2010 12:34:10 PM PDT by absolootezer0 (2x divorced, tattooed, pierced, harley hatin, meghan mccain luvin', smoker and pit bull owner..what?)
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To: Lucretia Borgia

Apparently my wrestler/transformer name is Kup Fortress Maximus. I’m not sure how to take that.


86 posted on 04/09/2010 12:38:30 PM PDT by Pan_Yan
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To: Lucky9teen

I’ve always liked Rod O’Steele.

My coworkers and I have been watching Spartacus lately. We’ve come up with several that fit us:
Geriatricus
Farticus
Flatulus Maximus

As you can probably tell, we’re firefighters with too much time on our hands.


87 posted on 04/09/2010 12:48:37 PM PDT by GimpySadan (Redistribution of wealth? Sure...you first.)
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To: Nateman
AmberLamp is our mole on the inside. We'll preempt any strike from the Chechens. BWAHAHAHA!


88 posted on 04/09/2010 12:55:41 PM PDT by Daffynition ( In the span of one man's lifetime, only the individual has any potential - not the collective.)
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To: Liberty Valance

89 posted on 04/09/2010 1:00:07 PM PDT by Daffynition ( In the span of one man's lifetime, only the individual has any potential - not the collective.)
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To: Lucky9teen

My name is:

Valerio Wolfgang Ortwin Pallav

http://www.behindthename.com/random/


90 posted on 04/09/2010 2:06:54 PM PDT by I Hate Obama ("Sorry I had a fight in the middle of your Black Panther Party." -Forest Gump)
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To: Lucky9teen

Hallo! My name is Inigo Montoyez. You keeled my fadduh! Prepare to die!


91 posted on 04/09/2010 2:14:40 PM PDT by Ingtar (Congress: proof that Entropy trumps Evolution)
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To: r-q-tek86

Ha ha ha! I’ll get the pineapple and cherries!


92 posted on 04/09/2010 3:03:22 PM PDT by LongElegantLegs ( I have nothing better to do than sit around all night watching a lunatic not turn into a werewolf.)
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To: Ingtar

Inconceivable.


93 posted on 04/09/2010 3:55:57 PM PDT by Pan_Yan
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To: sunny48

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=1391943289827740318#docid=-6860194475274224076


94 posted on 04/09/2010 5:37:27 PM PDT by mojitojoe (I don't care what you passed. you are irrelevant. I'll NEVER comply in any way. Read my lips, NEVER!)
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To: Lucky9teen

“According to the National Enquirer, Oprah’s finally out of the closet” http://is.gd/bmcci


95 posted on 04/09/2010 6:30:38 PM PDT by BigSkyFreeper ("Ked Tennedy would have been plowed... I mean, proud today..." - Senator Max Baucus (Drunk-MT))
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To: BigSkyFreeper
According to the National Enquirer, Oprah’s finally out of the closet

Geeeez, What a closet that must have been!

96 posted on 04/09/2010 6:31:51 PM PDT by Smokin' Joe (How often God must weep at humans' folly. Stand fast. God knows what He is doing.)
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To: Smokin' Joe

Bet it was a walkin-in closet about the size of my living room! LOL


97 posted on 04/09/2010 6:33:18 PM PDT by BigSkyFreeper ("Ked Tennedy would have been plowed... I mean, proud today..." - Senator Max Baucus (Drunk-MT))
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To: BigSkyFreeper

If you couldn’t play at least a half-court game in there, it must have been a squeeze.


98 posted on 04/09/2010 6:50:52 PM PDT by Smokin' Joe (How often God must weep at humans' folly. Stand fast. God knows what He is doing.)
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I think my name is pookaismydoggie but I can get onto Kate Of Spice Island on a different puter. I just don’t remember the password.

I guess my name can be FORGETFUL today.


99 posted on 04/09/2010 8:33:51 PM PDT by pookaismydog (The artist formerly known as Kate of Spice Island)
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To: pookaismydog

100. Someone had to do it.


100 posted on 04/09/2010 9:53:14 PM PDT by DaveLoneRanger (Bookmark this site, you'll like it: TheArmedCitizen.com)
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