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7 Scientific Reasons a Zombie Outbreak Would Fail (Quickly)
Cracked.com ^ | Aug 17, 2010 | David Dietle

Posted on 08/17/2010 7:11:55 PM PDT by Slings and Arrows

Let's pretend for a moment that zombies are real (as if half of you weren't already daydreaming about that very thing). Have you noticed how most zombie movies take place only after the apocalypse is in full-swing? By the time we join our survivors, the military and government are already wiped out, and none of the streets are safe.

There's a reason the movie starts there, and not earlier. It's because the early part, where we go from one zombie to millions, doesn't make any sense. If you let the creeping buzzkill of logic into the zombie party, you realize the zombies would all be re-dead long before you even got a chance to fire up that chainsaw motorcycle you've been working on. Why?

[WARNING: Strong language!]

(Excerpt) Read more at cracked.com ...


TOPICS: Humor; Weird Stuff
KEYWORDS: napl; zombie; zombies
Well, that's a load off my mind.
1 posted on 08/17/2010 7:11:57 PM PDT by Slings and Arrows
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To: Slings and Arrows

World War Z...


2 posted on 08/17/2010 7:12:50 PM PDT by Bean Counter (Now what kind of a geroo are you anyway?)
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To: Slings and Arrows; MeekOneGOP; Conspiracy Guy; DocRock; King Prout; Darksheare; OSHA; ...
8. Zer0 will grant them amnesty and register them as Democrats.


3 posted on 08/17/2010 7:13:44 PM PDT by Slings and Arrows (You can't have IngSoc without an Emmanuel Goldstein.)
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To: Slings and Arrows

I guess that I can sell off some of my excessive gear.


4 posted on 08/17/2010 7:27:40 PM PDT by ansel12
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To: ansel12

Bring em on.


5 posted on 08/17/2010 7:30:09 PM PDT by Kirkwood (Zombie Hunter)
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To: Slings and Arrows

Double tap.


6 posted on 08/17/2010 7:32:51 PM PDT by rsobin
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To: Slings and Arrows

The last zombie outbreak I witnessed was in early November, 2008...


7 posted on 08/17/2010 7:36:10 PM PDT by April Lexington (Study the constitution so you know what they are taking away!)
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To: CholeraJoe; Delta 21; Nikas777; NoAmnesty; Yorlik803; TheOldLady; The Comedian; OB1kNOb; ...

8 posted on 08/17/2010 7:37:30 PM PDT by RandallFlagg (Let this chant follow BHO everywhere he goes: "You lie. You lie. You lie.")
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To: Slings and Arrows

Not as many fresh, living brains as there used to be.


9 posted on 08/17/2010 7:39:10 PM PDT by RichInOC (No! BAD Rich! (What'd I say?))
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To: rsobin

And always check the back seat.


10 posted on 08/17/2010 7:40:06 PM PDT by fuzzybutt (Democrat Lawyers are the root of all evil.)
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To: Slings and Arrows

Just sent this to my daughter.

Hey, she lives in New York.


11 posted on 08/17/2010 7:48:12 PM PDT by Eaker (Pablo is very wily)
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To: Slings and Arrows

I find the “28 Days Later” scenario much more plausible. Crazed infected people also don’t suffer from the tortured explanations people come up with for the walking dead.


12 posted on 08/17/2010 7:49:28 PM PDT by rbg81 (When you see Obama, shout: "DO YOUR JOB!!")
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To: Slings and Arrows

13 posted on 08/17/2010 7:53:38 PM PDT by reagan_fanatic (YouTube My Space and I'll Google your Yahoo.)
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To: Slings and Arrows

“Really, even if zombies existed right now, the whole concept of a zombie apocalypse is just laughable. Now robots, on the other hand...”

I knew it. But everyone knows the proper terminology is “cybernetic organisms” not “robots”.


14 posted on 08/17/2010 7:56:45 PM PDT by Immerito
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To: Slings and Arrows

The book World War Z explained how the Solanum (zombie) virus made the tissue toxic to animals and thus wasn’t consumed.


15 posted on 08/17/2010 8:00:10 PM PDT by tbw2 (Freeper sci-fi - "Sirat: Through the Fires of Hell" - on amazon.com)
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To: April Lexington

That one ought to end in 70-odd days.


16 posted on 08/17/2010 8:02:24 PM PDT by Slings and Arrows (You can't have IngSoc without an Emmanuel Goldstein.)
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To: RichInOC

And a lot of the ones that are left seem to be past their sell-by date.


17 posted on 08/17/2010 8:04:00 PM PDT by Slings and Arrows (You can't have IngSoc without an Emmanuel Goldstein.)
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To: reagan_fanatic

Where was this guy? ComicCon?


18 posted on 08/17/2010 8:05:46 PM PDT by tbw2 (Freeper sci-fi - "Sirat: Through the Fires of Hell" - on amazon.com)
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To: Eaker

Oooh, target-rich environment!


19 posted on 08/17/2010 8:06:10 PM PDT by Slings and Arrows (You can't have IngSoc without an Emmanuel Goldstein.)
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To: Slings and Arrows

Election Day?


20 posted on 08/17/2010 8:11:27 PM PDT by tbw2 (Freeper sci-fi - "Sirat: Through the Fires of Hell" - on amazon.com)
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To: Slings and Arrows

Damnit. I was hoping one day to team up with Alice and do some "Zombie hunting".

21 posted on 08/17/2010 8:18:29 PM PDT by Proud_USA_Republican ("The problem with socialism is that you eventually run out of other people's money.")
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To: Slings and Arrows

RE: Your Brains (a fun song about (DU?)zombies)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AjcH2UmK1uo&feature=related


22 posted on 08/17/2010 8:19:51 PM PDT by woodchukwood ("The only thing that saves us from the bureaucracy is its inefficiency." -E. McCarthy)
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To: Proud_USA_Republican

Is there a new “Alice” movie coming out this year?


23 posted on 08/17/2010 8:24:10 PM PDT by tbw2 (Freeper sci-fi - "Sirat: Through the Fires of Hell" - on amazon.com)
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I have a dream where a mutant virus gets loose that turns a bunch of people into zombie clowns. I’ll take refuge in a mall that has a fully functioning food court. Then I’ll get up on the roof armed with a sniper rifle, gyros, lemon juliuses and Copenhagen. Naturally I’d kill the last zombie clown before college football season kicked off. MLK had a better dream but I’d like to think this one makes the Top 10.


24 posted on 08/17/2010 8:25:12 PM PDT by Hayride
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To: Slings and Arrows

Does this mean I can’t sell future stock options for my Soylent Green “zombie catchers”?

Man has gotta make a buck or two, I got 6 grandchildren to feed!


25 posted on 08/17/2010 8:27:12 PM PDT by Eye of Unk ("In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act" G.Orwell)
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To: tbw2

Yup.


26 posted on 08/17/2010 8:31:51 PM PDT by Slings and Arrows (You can't have IngSoc without an Emmanuel Goldstein.)
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To: Slings and Arrows

If the premise in Stephen King’s “Cell” were to work, zombies would outnumber non-zombies in no time.


27 posted on 08/17/2010 8:35:19 PM PDT by twhitak
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To: tbw2

http://trailers.apple.com/trailers/sony_pictures/residentevilafterlife/

Out in a month. Trailer looks great in full HD. The movie was filmed with the same 3D camera technology that Avatar was filmed with. I’ll pay to see it in theaters. Should be fun to watch.


28 posted on 08/17/2010 8:39:16 PM PDT by Proud_USA_Republican ("The problem with socialism is that you eventually run out of other people's money.")
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To: Slings and Arrows

29 posted on 08/17/2010 8:43:08 PM PDT by GregoTX
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To: reagan_fanatic

¨Kill the brain and you kill the ghoul.¨


30 posted on 08/17/2010 9:10:27 PM PDT by onedoug
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To: Slings and Arrows
From the article:


31 posted on 08/18/2010 3:37:23 AM PDT by paulycy (Demand Constitutionality Now: Islamo-Marxism is Evil.)
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To: Slings and Arrows; RandallFlagg

**Sob*** They’re right. There’s no chance for WWZ. I’m selling my zombie kit to the first sucker who comes along.

Cracked used to be a magazine the last I heard. Thanks for the ping. It’s nice to be reacquainted with an old friend.


32 posted on 08/18/2010 5:08:08 AM PDT by TheOldLady
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To: Hayride

Every few months or so I have a zombie dream. Always different in details but always with a sea of zombies attacking me and a small group. We are safe (kind of) on our side of an impassible region but there is a bridge or a staircase where they keep coming and coming 3 or so side by side. We have a barrel full of guns and we shoot until the gun gets hot and grab another. Over and over and over. But they keep coming. After a half hour or so the dream just ends.


33 posted on 08/18/2010 5:55:11 AM PDT by RadiationRomeo (Step into my mind and glimpse the madness that is me)
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To: RadiationRomeo

And in my zombie dreams I’m not scared, just manic and frustrated. I blow them up with shotguns but they keep coming! SOBs. I hate zombies.


34 posted on 08/18/2010 5:56:56 AM PDT by RadiationRomeo (Step into my mind and glimpse the madness that is me)
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To: RadiationRomeo

Go play some L4D, that will help the dreams :)


35 posted on 08/18/2010 5:57:34 AM PDT by downwdims (It does not take a majority to prevail... but rather an irate, tireless minority)
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To: Slings and Arrows

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4a6YdNmK77k


36 posted on 08/18/2010 6:01:15 AM PDT by Redcloak (What's your zombie plan?)
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To: downwdims

Googled L4D. Sounds like a fun video game. But I think that will cause more zombie dreams except instead of dozens of helpers I will be limited to 4, and the zombies will make it across the bridge!


37 posted on 08/18/2010 6:04:53 AM PDT by RadiationRomeo (Step into my mind and glimpse the madness that is me)
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To: RadiationRomeo

Yea it’s a really fun game. Can be VERY intense. Especially it’s sequel, they really ratcheted it up in that one.

Another upside is that it uses a 7 yr old engine so most computers can play it!


38 posted on 08/18/2010 6:23:35 AM PDT by downwdims (It does not take a majority to prevail... but rather an irate, tireless minority)
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To: TheOldLady

You’re welcome, and try ebay.


39 posted on 08/18/2010 7:45:03 AM PDT by Slings and Arrows (You can't have IngSoc without an Emmanuel Goldstein.)
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To: paulycy

Very observant of you.


40 posted on 08/18/2010 7:49:46 AM PDT by Slings and Arrows (You can't have IngSoc without an Emmanuel Goldstein.)
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To: All

bump


41 posted on 08/18/2010 7:51:55 AM PDT by Maverick68
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To: Slings and Arrows; JoeProBono
Well, that's a load off my mind.

Beware of "zombie ants"!

'Zombie ants' controlled by parasitic fungus for 48m years (Guardian ^ | August 18th 2010 | Ian Sample)

42 posted on 08/18/2010 11:45:49 AM PDT by a fool in paradise (Those who support the construction of the WTC mosque oppose Christian missionaries working abroad.)
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To: Slings and Arrows
There's a reason the movie starts there, and not earlier. It's because the early part, where we go from one zombie to millions, doesn't make any sense.

Then explain November 2008.

43 posted on 08/18/2010 11:53:59 AM PDT by kevao
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To: Slings and Arrows
It's because the early part, where we go from one zombie to millions, doesn't make any sense.

EVERYBODY knows that all the bodies from all the cemeteries and morgues all come out at once, making them plentiful and universal.

Get a zombie clue.

Harumph.

44 posted on 08/18/2010 11:57:28 AM PDT by paulycy (Demand Constitutionality Now: Islamo-Marxism is Evil.)
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To: RandallFlagg; All
This list is pathetic. Makes me glad I am fully prepared for WWZ. Examples of fail:

#7.They Have Too Many Natural Predators - World War Z and the Zombie Survival Guide point out that the reanimating component (Solanum virus) makes the host inedible, and fundamentally alters cellular biology in the host.

#6.They Can't Take the Heat - see #7, altered biology.

#6.They Can't Handle the Cold - see #7 and think "cellular anti-freeze"

#5.Biting is a Terrible Way to Spread a Disease - Read "The Walking Dead". The disease effect or whatever it is is already present. The bite just causes death and reanimation more quickly.

#3.They Can't Heal from Day to Day Damage - yeah, but they also don't suffer catastrophic system failure from localized damage, either. See #7

#2.The Landscape is Full of Zombie-Proof Barriers - Again, the assumption that bites are the only way for the disease effect to transmit is incorrect. If it is airborne, or even some sort of strange energy field effect, it can manifest instantly everywhere. Also, these barriers work against any survivors who are probably devoid of most travel technology, at least over the long term.

#1.Weapons and the People Who Use Them - this is basically the assertion than human beings are fully-armed killing machines with a thin leash, and they would wipe out a plague of parasitic human being who look like loved ones, and should apparently react to reason and love with compassion and non-homicidal understanding.

I point to the species Democratus Americanus as all the proof I need that we would allow ourselves to be systematically over-run by a parasitic sub-species of the living-dead, instead of exterminating them as logic dictates.


Frowning takes 68 muscles.
Smiling takes 6.
Pulling this trigger takes 2.
I'm lazy.

45 posted on 08/18/2010 12:31:02 PM PDT by The Comedian (Evil can only succeed if good men don't point at it and laugh.)
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To: Slings and Arrows

http://xkcd.com/734/


46 posted on 08/18/2010 1:54:41 PM PDT by tarawa
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To: The Comedian; RandallFlagg
I got 20 reasons Zombies won't survive long, then I'll reload:


47 posted on 08/19/2010 3:42:11 AM PDT by CholeraJoe ("Tiny Tim. What a waste of a perfectly good crutch." A.A. Gill)
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