Skip to comments.THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD
Posted on 09/10/2010 6:17:24 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
Last month, a survey was conducted by the U.N. worldwide. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a HUGE failure.
- In Africa they did not know what "food" meant.
- In Western Europe they did not know what "shortage" meant.
- In Eastern Europe they did not know what "opinion" meant.
- In the Middle East they did not know what "solution" meant.
- In South America they did not know what "please" meant.
- In Asia they did not know what "honest" meant.
- And in the USA they did not know what "the rest of the world" meant!!!!
A five-year UN study has reported that western democracies are the worst place any human being could ever possibly want to live in.
The director of the Why The West Sucks committee, Lee Chen, stated: "We based our report on a very simple criteria. We take the most perfect idealistic environment and see how the so-called western democracies measure up. Not surprisingly, they were not even close."
The reports points out many glaring examples of how the western democracies are "living hellholes."
People are in prison. If everything was perfect no one would be in prison.
People are sometimes sad. If everything was perfect no one would be sad.
People get angry at other people. If everything was perfect no one would be mad.
Most shockingly, each country contains large numbers of citizens that criticize the current government. Syrian observer Hassam Assad was astonished: "Clearly if people are openly criticizing their own government within the country itself things must be bordering on the edge of anarchy. I know back home no one ever criticizes my uncle. The reason why is obvious: his rule is perfect."
To complete the report, WTWS committee members - who hail from many diverse and open minded countries including China, Burma, Libya and Syria - spent five long and arduous years in the world's finest hotels eating the best in food and drink the earth can offer. At a total cost of $2.4 billion, the report is one of the most comprehensive ever completed.
The WTWS is eagerly preparing its next report which will cover worldwide pornography and strip clubs. It is also expected to take five years. Early indications are that western society is disgusting and sinful.
How bad is the economy, really?
The economy is so bad that African television stations are showing 'Sponsor an American Child' commercials!
The economy is so bad, a picture is now only worth 200 words.
It's so bad, Snoop Dogg had to start eating regular brownies.
The economy is so bad, I saw the CEO of Wal-Mart shopping at Wal-Mart.
The economy is so bad, I went to my bank the other day and the teller handed me a note saying, "This is a robbery!"
The economy is so bad, George W. Bush appeared in a flight suit and declared economic recovery was complete.
The economy is so bad, Bill Gates had to switch to dial up.
The economy is so bad, rapper 50 Cent had to change his name to 10 Cent.
The economy is so bad, Barack Obama changed his slogan to "Maybe We Can!"
The economy is so bad, my ATM gave me an IOU!
The economy is so bad that the highest-paying job in town is jury duty.
The economy is so bad I saw a man in Costco buying one roll of toilet paper.
The economy is so bad that I saw a van full of legal immigrants illegally crossing the border to Mexico.
The economy is so bad, I became a Pastafarian hoping that a meatball will appear to me.
The economy is so bad that parents in Bevery Hills are considering raising their own children.
The economy is so bad that even people who aren't in Barack Obama's cabinet aren't paying taxes.
The economy is so bad that wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.
The economy is so bad, I saw four CEOs playing miniature golf.
The economy is so bad, Hot Wheels stock is trading higher than GM.
The economy is so bad, Obama met with three small businesses to discuss his Stimulus Plan: GM, Pfizer, and Citigroup.
It's so bad, McDonalds is introducing the 1/4-Ouncer.
The economy's so bad, Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
The economy is so bad, mothers in Ethiopia are telling their children, "Finish your meal! Don't you know there are starving children in the US?"
The economy is so bad, that a prostitute asked me if she could borrow $20 until she can get back on her back.
It's so bad, a stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
The economy is so bad, that Martha Stewart did a show on creative uses for food stamps.
The economy is so bad, Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
The economy is so bad, my sister had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
The economy is so bad, that I bought a toaster oven and my free gift with purchase was a bank.
It's so bad, I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
The economy is so bad, hobos in Beverly Hills now have to drink tap water.
The economy is so bad, Barack Obama unveiled his plan to close Guantanamo Bay for good: He's turning it into a bank!
The economy is so bad, that the White House turkey turned down his Thanksgiving pardon-- all his wealth was in stocks, and he has nothing to live for.
The economy is so bad, Sarah Palin is only shooting moose for food, not for fun.
It's so bad, I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
The economy is so bad, my niece told me she wants to dress up as a 401-K for Halloween so that she can turn invisible.
The economy is so bad, that instead of a coin toss at the beginning of the Super Bowl, they played "Rock, Paper, Scissors."
The economy is so bad that Roy's tigers are now eating him out of necessity.
The economy is so bad, the Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
It's so bad, they built an Indian reservation on a casino.
The economy is so bad, people are standing behind George Bush wherever he goes hoping for free shoes.
The economy is so bad, Michael Phelps has to share a bong.
The economy is so bad that when Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
The economy is so bad, a certain celebutante changed her name to "Paris Holiday Inn."
The economy is so bad, Malia and Sasha Obama started a lemonade stand to raise money for bailouts.
It's so bad, the Lone Ranger sold his silver bullets on Ebay.
The economy is so bad that 7 of 10 houses on Sesame Street are in foreclosure.
The economy is so bad that the only company hiring this week is the one that sends people to scrape bankers off the sidewalk on Wall Street.
It's so bad, they renamed Wall Street "Wal-Mart Street."
The economy is so bad, Angelina had to adopt a highway.
Yes there would, we call them "leftists"
"The economy is so bad, my sister had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!"
Checking in! WooHoo!!
dirty dozen in...
great bad economy jokes...
if only there was a way to make money by making people laugh...
i think i will burn a quran this weekend to lift my spirits...
missed it by that much
|White House Names Asian Carp Czar (Not a joke!)
We have drug czars, energy czars, actual Russian czars (well, we used to), and -- perhaps a mark that we maybe need a nomenclature czar -- we now have an Asian carp czar. Yesterday The White House announced that a former leader of the Indiana Department of Natural Resources and the Indiana Wildlife Federation would become the first "Asian carp czar." John Goss will oversee the near $80 million federal response to the Asian carp, a particularly invasive species that is threatening the Great Lakes.
I love it!
Two Aggies were framing a house.
One Aggie was throwing half his nails on the ground.
The other Aggie asked, “Why are you throwing those nails on the ground?”
The first Aggie answered, “They’re pointed the wrong way.”
“Idiot!”, the second Aggie replied, “You can use those nails on the other side of the house.”
However, Aggies fits too.
One might even use Cubs Fan....
Why are clowns always tired?
Because they sleep funny.
I get scared thinking of my taxes in 2011. Yikes! Makes my hair on the back of my neck stand on end.
Keyboard cleanup, aisle 2....
Hehehe, here we are folks, just your typical all-American prez & first lady rompin' with the dog we love so much.
An Aggie carpenter ordering four beers.
In the Top 40!!!! YAY!
Good ones, Lucky
Okay, I know that’s going bye-bye sooner rather than later, but...I laughed.
Well, not me, but I don’t know about the mods.
” The economy is so bad, I saw the CEO of Wal-Mart shopping at Wal-Mart. “
Guy has my grace. lol
If it does get pulled, post it as a link with a disclaimer. The mods used to let those go and I think they still do.
So for a little backstory on this, three weekends ago my outboard was damaged by a submerged log in the water and amoung other damage the driveshaft was broken, which required pulling the engine to fix.......
OK, for all who reads this, here’s what NOT to do.
So I had to pull the powerhead (engine) to get the driveshaft out. I had my Seloc manual (about as useful as a Chilton’s) and the instructions in it for pulling the engine. I needed a way to lift the engine. I couldn’t get the boat to the garage because of the disassembled VW beetles in the way, and the boat is too tall to get in the garage anyway. So here’s my STOOPID solution.
I bought a small electric hoist from Harbor Freight. This I bolted to a 2X6. A 14-foot long 2X6. I placed a 4-foot stepladder inside the boat and an 8 foot stepladder behind the boat. I placed the 2X6, horizontally, between the ladders.
Wait, it gets better........
I unbolted and disconnected the engine and hooked the hoist to it. Then I tried to lift it. The rear of the motor came up, but the front was stuck and the 2X6 was bowing. So I released the tension and measured for a brace. I cut a piece of 2X4 that I wedged vertically just in front of the engine to prevent the 2X6 from bowing.
Here it comes......
I lifted again, the 2X6 didn’t bow as bad, but I had to wiggle the engine to get it loose. Suddenly it came loose......
AND THE WHOLE RIG CAME DOWN!!!!!!!!
Well, not the whole rig. The 2X6 stayed in the 8 foot stepladder, but the other end came toward me and hit the ground, leaving the engine hanging next to the rest of the outboard. The 2X4 flew out and hit me in my hard head. You know, your head bleeds a lot, doesn’t it? Luckily it was nothing but a cut, and I only broke a small plastic hose connector on the engine.
I got the 2X6 up on the boat, then back on the 4 foot ladder, grabbed the broken driveshaft with some vicegrips, gave it a little wiggle and it came right out. Inspected everything, no damage, set the engine back down on its mount. All the while dabbing my sweaty bleeding head with a hand towel.
Went to the ER at the Naval Hospital, nothing broken (said I have a hard head), no concussion, and it finally stopped bleeding. Little headache the next day. Engine is all back together, lower unit reassembled and installed, just waiting on a bushing for the propeller.
This was the wrong way to use my head. I needed to think this thing through better.
if you ate a clown, would it taste funny?
The economy’s so bad, I offered to lend my boss money. (She refused.)
A Texan took a trip back east. On his way home he passed through Tennessee and then took a side trip to hell.
When he got home to Austin he had nothing but praise for Tennessee. He told all about the volunteers and then about how they had a game called foot ball. They played it on a big field at a University. He thought Texas should emulate Tennessee and they did. They developed a big school and copied Tennessee by naming it UT.
Unfortunately they made a slight mistake, on his way through hell and back his beautiful Tennessee Vol orange shirt got singed. To this day Texans proudly wear burnt orange not realizing the Volunteer Big Orange they try to emulate is off color.
That’s the story how Tennessee continued to make Texas long after the battles of the Alamo and San Jacinto.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.