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THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD

Posted on 09/10/2010 6:17:24 AM PDT by Lucky9teen

Last month, a survey was conducted by the U.N. worldwide. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a HUGE failure.


 

A five-year UN study has reported that western democracies are the worst place any human being could ever possibly want to live in.

The director of the Why The West Sucks committee, Lee Chen, stated: "We based our report on a very simple criteria. We take the most perfect idealistic environment and see how the so-called western democracies measure up. Not surprisingly, they were not even close."

The reports points out many glaring examples of how the western democracies are "living hellholes."
People are in prison. If everything was perfect no one would be in prison.

People are sometimes sad. If everything was perfect no one would be sad.

People get angry at other people. If everything was perfect no one would be mad.

Most shockingly, each country contains large numbers of citizens that criticize the current government. Syrian observer Hassam Assad was astonished: "Clearly if people are openly criticizing their own government within the country itself things must be bordering on the edge of anarchy. I know back home no one ever criticizes my uncle. The reason why is obvious: his rule is perfect."

To complete the report, WTWS committee members - who hail from many diverse and open minded countries including China, Burma, Libya and Syria - spent five long and arduous years in the world's finest hotels eating the best in food and drink the earth can offer. At a total cost of $2.4 billion, the report is one of the most comprehensive ever completed.

The WTWS is eagerly preparing its next report which will cover worldwide pornography and strip clubs. It is also expected to take five years. Early indications are that western society is disgusting and sinful.


 

How bad is the economy, really?

The economy is so bad that African television stations are showing 'Sponsor an American Child' commercials!

The economy is so bad, a picture is now only worth 200 words.

It's so bad, Snoop Dogg had to start eating regular brownies. 

The economy is so bad, I saw the CEO of Wal-Mart shopping at Wal-Mart.

The economy is so bad, I went to my bank the other day and the teller handed me a note saying, "This is a robbery!"

The economy is so bad, George W. Bush appeared in a flight suit and declared economic recovery was complete.

The economy is so bad, Bill Gates had to switch to dial up.


The economy is so bad, Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

The economy is so bad, Dr. Seuss rose from the grave to write a new book: Green Eggs and Spam.

The economy is so bad that I went to my bank to get a loan, they said, "What a coincidence! That's just what we were going to ask you!"

The economy is so bad, rapper 50 Cent had to change his name to 10 Cent.
The economy is so bad, Barack Obama changed his slogan to "Maybe We Can!"

The economy is so bad, my ATM gave me an IOU!

The economy is so bad that the highest-paying job in town is jury duty.

The economy is so bad I saw a man in Costco buying one roll of toilet paper.

The economy is so bad that I saw a van full of legal immigrants illegally crossing the border to Mexico.

The economy is so bad, I became a Pastafarian hoping that a meatball will appear to me.

The economy is so bad that parents in Bevery Hills are considering raising their own children.

The economy is so bad that even people who aren't in Barack Obama's cabinet aren't paying taxes.


The economy is so bad I saw a polygamist with only one wife.

The economy is so bad that I saw someone using the sun to get a tan! 

The economy is so bad that wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

The economy is so bad, I saw four CEOs playing miniature golf.

The economy is so bad, Hot Wheels stock is trading higher than GM.

The economy is so bad, Obama met with three small businesses to discuss his Stimulus Plan: GM, Pfizer, and Citigroup.

It's so bad, McDonalds is introducing the 1/4-Ouncer.

The economy's so bad, Exxon-Mobil  laid off 25 Congressmen.

The economy is so bad, mothers in Ethiopia are telling their children, "Finish your meal! Don't you know there are starving children in the US?"

The economy is so bad, that a prostitute asked me if she could borrow $20 until she can get back on her back.

It's so bad, a stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

The economy is so bad, that Martha Stewart did a show on creative uses for food stamps.

The economy is so bad, Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

The economy is so bad, my sister had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

The economy is so bad, that I bought a toaster oven and my free gift with purchase was a bank.

It's so bad, I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

The economy is so bad, hobos in Beverly Hills now have to drink tap water.

The economy is so bad, Barack Obama unveiled his plan to close Guantanamo Bay for good: He's turning it into a bank!

The economy is so bad, that the White House turkey turned down his Thanksgiving pardon-- all his wealth was in stocks, and he has nothing to live for.

The economy is so bad, Sarah Palin is only shooting moose for food, not for fun.

It's so bad, I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

The economy is so bad, my niece told me she wants to dress up as a 401-K for Halloween so that she can turn invisible.

The economy is so bad, that instead of a coin toss at the beginning of the Super Bowl, they played "Rock, Paper, Scissors."

The economy is so bad that Roy's tigers are now eating him out of necessity.

The economy is so bad, the Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

It's so bad, they built an Indian reservation on a casino.

The economy is so bad, people are standing behind George Bush wherever he goes hoping for free shoes.

The economy is so bad, Michael Phelps has to share a bong.

The economy is so bad that when Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The economy is so bad, a certain celebutante changed her name to "Paris Holiday Inn."

The economy is so bad, Malia and Sasha Obama started a lemonade stand to raise money for bailouts.

It's so bad, the Lone Ranger sold his silver bullets on Ebay.

The economy is so bad that 7 of 10 houses on Sesame Street are in foreclosure.

The economy is so bad that the only company hiring this week is the one that sends people to scrape bankers off the sidewalk on Wall Street.

It's so bad, they renamed Wall Street "Wal-Mart Street."

The economy is so bad, Angelina had to adopt a highway.



TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: ofst; recovery; silliness; stimulus
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1 posted on 09/10/2010 6:17:25 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
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To: Lucky9teen
 
 
Woo Hoo!
 
In B4 the ping!


2 posted on 09/10/2010 6:18:33 AM PDT by Responsibility2nd (Yes, as a matter of fact, what you do in your bedroom IS my business.)
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To: Lucky9teen

In early?


3 posted on 09/10/2010 6:18:57 AM PDT by CPOSharky (They ain't "illegals." They are just unregistered democrats.)
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To: Lucky9teen

Top 5?


4 posted on 09/10/2010 6:19:46 AM PDT by the_devils_advocate_666
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To: Lucky9teen

Top 10??


5 posted on 09/10/2010 6:20:55 AM PDT by wyokostur
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To: 2111USMC; 21stCenturion; 2ndDivisionVet; 3AngelaD; 4mycountry; 5Madman2; 66-442hot; 6amgelsmama; ...

TIME FOR SOME STIMULATING SILLINESS!!!

CLICK HERE TO BE INCLUDED OR TAKEN OFF THE LIST


6 posted on 09/10/2010 6:22:59 AM PDT by Lucky9teen (The "Summer of Recovery" is soon to be followed by the "Fall of America")
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To: Lucky9teen

TOP 10!


7 posted on 09/10/2010 6:24:23 AM PDT by paulycy (Demand Constitutionality: Islamo-Marxism is Evil.)
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To: Lucky9teen
People get angry at other people. If everything was perfect no one would be mad.

Yes there would, we call them "leftists"

8 posted on 09/10/2010 6:26:35 AM PDT by GeronL (http://libertyfic.proboards.com <--- My Fiction/ Science Fiction Board)
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To: Lucky9teen
pancake-czar

9 posted on 09/10/2010 6:28:41 AM PDT by Islander7 (If you want to anger conservatives, lie to them. If you want to anger liberals, tell them the truth.)
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To: Lucky9teen
The winner is:

"The economy is so bad, my sister had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!"

10 posted on 09/10/2010 6:28:46 AM PDT by the_devils_advocate_666
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To: Lucky9teen

Checking in! WooHoo!!


11 posted on 09/10/2010 6:34:57 AM PDT by ShadowAce (Linux -- The Ultimate Windows Service Pack)
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To: Lucky9teen

Sorry kids....


12 posted on 09/10/2010 6:39:15 AM PDT by B.O. Plenty (Give war a chance...)
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To: Lucky9teen

dirty dozen in...

great bad economy jokes...

if only there was a way to make money by making people laugh...

i think i will burn a quran this weekend to lift my spirits...

t


13 posted on 09/10/2010 6:43:20 AM PDT by teeman8r (NO vember is coming... vote them out)
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To: teeman8r

missed it by that much


14 posted on 09/10/2010 6:43:59 AM PDT by teeman8r (NO vember is coming... vote them out)
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To: Islander7
RE: Obama Chooses Pancake Czar

Many times, reality trumps satire:



White House Names Asian Carp Czar (Not a joke!)
 
09/09/2010 10:05:24 AM PDT · by Red in Blue PA · 58 replies
blogs.laweekly.com ^
We have drug czars, energy czars, actual Russian czars (well, we used to), and -- perhaps a mark that we maybe need a nomenclature czar -- we now have an Asian carp czar. Yesterday The White House announced that a former leader of the Indiana Department of Natural Resources and the Indiana Wildlife Federation would become the first "Asian carp czar." John Goss will oversee the near $80 million federal response to the Asian carp, a particularly invasive species that is threatening the Great Lakes.

15 posted on 09/10/2010 6:44:18 AM PDT by TomGuy
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To: Responsibility2nd

TGIF


16 posted on 09/10/2010 6:44:43 AM PDT by Currentriverrat (Stop cap and trade fraud.)
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To: Lucky9teen

I love it!


17 posted on 09/10/2010 6:47:59 AM PDT by griswold3 ('Regulation and law without enforcement is no law at all)
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To: Lucky9teen

Two Aggies were framing a house.

One Aggie was throwing half his nails on the ground.

The other Aggie asked, “Why are you throwing those nails on the ground?”

The first Aggie answered, “They’re pointed the wrong way.”

“Idiot!”, the second Aggie replied, “You can use those nails on the other side of the house.”


18 posted on 09/10/2010 6:49:26 AM PDT by stinkerpot65 (Global warming is a Marxist lie.)
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To: Lucky9teen

Ping...


19 posted on 09/10/2010 6:49:39 AM PDT by Logic n' Reason (What tagline??)
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To: stinkerpot65
I believe this was a blonde joke at one time.

However, Aggies fits too.

One might even use Cubs Fan....

20 posted on 09/10/2010 6:51:36 AM PDT by Logic n' Reason (What tagline??)
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To: Lucky9teen

21 posted on 09/10/2010 6:52:18 AM PDT by davidlachnicht ("IF WE ARE ALL TO BE TARGETS, THEN WE ALL MUST BE SOLDIERS.")
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To: Lucky9teen

Q:
Why are clowns always tired?
A:
Because they sleep funny.


22 posted on 09/10/2010 6:54:29 AM PDT by davidlachnicht ("IF WE ARE ALL TO BE TARGETS, THEN WE ALL MUST BE SOLDIERS.")
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To: Lucky9teen; Tatze; Shyla; girlscout; The_Victor; a fool in paradise; nuke rocketeer

Happy Friday!

23 posted on 09/10/2010 7:00:14 AM PDT by MissTed (My dogs have more integrity then my President)
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To: Lucky9teen
"Look here... I'm gonna run for mayor in Chicago. Don't campaign for me, don't fundraise for me, and... as a matter of fact, don't come anywhere near me anymore, got it? If anyone could **** up a democrat's campaign for Chicago mayor, it's YOU!" "Credit to ScottInVA for this post"
24 posted on 09/10/2010 7:05:18 AM PDT by erod
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To: Lucky9teen
Stimulus..
25 posted on 09/10/2010 7:07:28 AM PDT by wyokostur
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To: MissTed

I get scared thinking of my taxes in 2011. Yikes! Makes my hair on the back of my neck stand on end.


26 posted on 09/10/2010 7:12:20 AM PDT by kevinm13 (Tim Geithner is a tax cheat. Manmade "Global Warming" is a HOAX!)
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To: wyokostur

Keyboard cleanup, aisle 2....


27 posted on 09/10/2010 7:16:14 AM PDT by workerbee (FAIL, BABY, FAIL!)
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To: Lucky9teen

Bump


28 posted on 09/10/2010 7:17:49 AM PDT by Monkey Face (The Big Bang Theory: God spoke and BANG! It was done.)
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To: Lucky9teen

Hehehe, here we are folks, just your typical all-American prez & first lady rompin' with the dog we love so much.

29 posted on 09/10/2010 7:25:33 AM PDT by workerbee (FAIL, BABY, FAIL!)
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To: Lucky9teen

Woo Hooo!


30 posted on 09/10/2010 7:26:39 AM PDT by CSM (Keeper of the "Dave Ramsey Fan" ping list. FReepmail me if you want your beeber stuned.)
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To: Lucky9teen

31 posted on 09/10/2010 7:34:00 AM PDT by Lady Jag (Double your income... Fire the government)
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To: stinkerpot65
What is this?

An Aggie carpenter ordering four beers.

32 posted on 09/10/2010 7:39:06 AM PDT by r-q-tek86 ("It doesn't matter how smart you are if you don't stop and think" - Dr. Sowell)
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To: Lady Jag

In the Top 40!!!! YAY!


33 posted on 09/10/2010 7:39:25 AM PDT by gimme1ibertee ("In a time of universal deceit,telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act"-George Orwell)
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To: Lucky9teen

Good ones, Lucky


34 posted on 09/10/2010 7:41:11 AM PDT by CholeraJoe ("CJ, if we're ever ordered to storm your house, I'm calling in sick." Local SWAT team member.)
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To: r-q-tek86; day10

35 posted on 09/10/2010 7:41:11 AM PDT by MissTed (My dogs have more integrity then my President)
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To: Lucky9teen
The economy is so bad that this is the best paying job in the muslime world.


36 posted on 09/10/2010 7:41:52 AM PDT by Arrowhead1952 (Remember in November. Clean the house on Nov. 2. / Progressive is a PC word for liberal democrat.)
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To: MissTed

Okay, I know that’s going bye-bye sooner rather than later, but...I laughed.


37 posted on 09/10/2010 7:42:13 AM PDT by RichInOC (No! BAD Rich! (What'd I say?))
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To: RichInOC
Really??? I hope that doesn't offend.
38 posted on 09/10/2010 7:44:28 AM PDT by MissTed (My dogs have more integrity then my President)
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To: MissTed

Well, not me, but I don’t know about the mods.


39 posted on 09/10/2010 7:48:16 AM PDT by RichInOC (No! BAD Rich! (What'd I say?))
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To: Lucky9teen; Monkey Face

” The economy is so bad, I saw the CEO of Wal-Mart shopping at Wal-Mart. “

WINNER!


40 posted on 09/10/2010 7:50:47 AM PDT by stephenjohnbanker
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To: RichInOC

Guy has my grace. lol

41 posted on 09/10/2010 7:53:06 AM PDT by MissTed (My dogs have more integrity then my President)
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To: MissTed

If it does get pulled, post it as a link with a disclaimer. The mods used to let those go and I think they still do.


42 posted on 09/10/2010 7:53:15 AM PDT by r-q-tek86 ("It doesn't matter how smart you are if you don't stop and think" - Dr. Sowell)
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To: TomGuy
PhotobucketPhotobucket

The next carp czar?

43 posted on 09/10/2010 7:54:21 AM PDT by dragonblustar ("... and if you disagree with me, then you sir, are worse than Hitler!" - Greg Gutfeld)
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To: MissTed

So for a little backstory on this, three weekends ago my outboard was damaged by a submerged log in the water and amoung other damage the driveshaft was broken, which required pulling the engine to fix.......

OK, for all who reads this, here’s what NOT to do.

So I had to pull the powerhead (engine) to get the driveshaft out. I had my Seloc manual (about as useful as a Chilton’s) and the instructions in it for pulling the engine. I needed a way to lift the engine. I couldn’t get the boat to the garage because of the disassembled VW beetles in the way, and the boat is too tall to get in the garage anyway. So here’s my STOOPID solution.

I bought a small electric hoist from Harbor Freight. This I bolted to a 2X6. A 14-foot long 2X6. I placed a 4-foot stepladder inside the boat and an 8 foot stepladder behind the boat. I placed the 2X6, horizontally, between the ladders.

Wait, it gets better........

I unbolted and disconnected the engine and hooked the hoist to it. Then I tried to lift it. The rear of the motor came up, but the front was stuck and the 2X6 was bowing. So I released the tension and measured for a brace. I cut a piece of 2X4 that I wedged vertically just in front of the engine to prevent the 2X6 from bowing.

Here it comes......

I lifted again, the 2X6 didn’t bow as bad, but I had to wiggle the engine to get it loose. Suddenly it came loose......

AND THE WHOLE RIG CAME DOWN!!!!!!!!

Well, not the whole rig. The 2X6 stayed in the 8 foot stepladder, but the other end came toward me and hit the ground, leaving the engine hanging next to the rest of the outboard. The 2X4 flew out and hit me in my hard head. You know, your head bleeds a lot, doesn’t it? Luckily it was nothing but a cut, and I only broke a small plastic hose connector on the engine.

I got the 2X6 up on the boat, then back on the 4 foot ladder, grabbed the broken driveshaft with some vicegrips, gave it a little wiggle and it came right out. Inspected everything, no damage, set the engine back down on its mount. All the while dabbing my sweaty bleeding head with a hand towel.

Went to the ER at the Naval Hospital, nothing broken (said I have a hard head), no concussion, and it finally stopped bleeding. Little headache the next day. Engine is all back together, lower unit reassembled and installed, just waiting on a bushing for the propeller.

This was the wrong way to use my head. I needed to think this thing through better.


44 posted on 09/10/2010 7:59:13 AM PDT by fredhead (Liberals think globally, reason rectally, act idiotically.)
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To: wyokostur

O

M

G


45 posted on 09/10/2010 8:03:37 AM PDT by Pan_Yan
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To: fredhead
Get a I/O ... they're easier to fix!


46 posted on 09/10/2010 8:08:55 AM PDT by Daffynition ("Life Imitates Bacon, but Bacon does not imitate Life. Bacon IS life." ~paulycy)
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To: Lucky9teen
UNEXPECTED!

47 posted on 09/10/2010 8:15:18 AM PDT by BenLurkin (This post is not a statement of fact. It is merely a personal opinion -- or humor -- or both.)
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To: davidlachnicht

if you ate a clown, would it taste funny?


48 posted on 09/10/2010 8:15:18 AM PDT by madamemayhem (defeat is not getting knocked down, it is not getting back up.)
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To: Lucky9teen

The economy’s so bad, I offered to lend my boss money. (She refused.)


49 posted on 09/10/2010 8:18:17 AM PDT by synbad600
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To: r-q-tek86

A Texan took a trip back east. On his way home he passed through Tennessee and then took a side trip to hell.

When he got home to Austin he had nothing but praise for Tennessee. He told all about the volunteers and then about how they had a game called foot ball. They played it on a big field at a University. He thought Texas should emulate Tennessee and they did. They developed a big school and copied Tennessee by naming it UT.

Unfortunately they made a slight mistake, on his way through hell and back his beautiful Tennessee Vol orange shirt got singed. To this day Texans proudly wear burnt orange not realizing the Volunteer Big Orange they try to emulate is off color.

That’s the story how Tennessee continued to make Texas long after the battles of the Alamo and San Jacinto.


50 posted on 09/10/2010 8:21:45 AM PDT by bert (K.E. N.P. N.C. +12 ..... Greetings Jacques. The revolution is coming)
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