Skip to comments.Silence and Your Wife
Posted on 12/02/2010 11:26:45 AM PST by hawkins
Darling, does this outfit make me look fat?
One of my wifes friends is getting married this weekend. My mind drifted back to when my relationship was young. If I had only been given a list of what not to say in certain situations, my life would probably have been a lot easier. The ailment is often called, Foot in mouth disease and a scripture explains: no one can tame the tongue, it is a restless evil and full of deadly poison. Well, while its true, that no one can control the tongue perfectly, I suggest trying duct tape and keep it quiet as frequently as possible.
Oh if we could take back words which have left our mouths. Sometimes, these words are said in jest, sometimes seriously, however, regardless of how they were sent, it doesnt mean they will be received in the same manner. Here are some words I have heard over time and I myself wont admit to having said:
[insert here] is womans work.
Any sound imitating a truck backing up
Is your mother coming over again?
Get those bare feet back in the kitchen where they belong
My mom could teach you how to cook better.
You never miss a meal do you?
I had a girlfriend who wore something like that
Does your family tree have any branches?
Having a bad hair day?
Im the man that is why
Did you do anything around here today?
I bought a book on dieting for you.
It took you an hour to look like that?
These are phrases guys just say sometimes without thinking. It isnt something said in anger, its insanity. Keep a handle on what you say men. There are going to be times when you are angry and during that time insanity will try to multiply. You think you are going to one up anything your wife says or that you are going to put her in her place? Nooooooo! Dont ever let those words escape your lips. The Bible says: Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; Listen to what your wife has to say. Be patient, considerate, and deliberate in what will come out of your mouth afterward.
There is a reason women like the strong, silent type. When we arent silent, we tend to get ourselves in a heap of trouble. Consider the great battles that have raged over time because rash words were spoken. Ask yourself if having the last word is really worth the pain it will cause. I guarantee she will deal better with your silence than you will when she gives you the silent treatment. The best advice I can give a young man entering into the marriage covenant comes from an inspired source:
Psalms 141:3 Set a guard, O LORD, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips!
For a second there I thought the title was “Silence Your Wife”...
I was wondering how many FReepers replied under their breaths “You can hear that from there?”
Then I re-read the title.
Communication is important, if she asks “Do I look fat in this?” always say NO. (remember, only fat makes people look fat :p, just don’t say that out loud)
Anything the man says after that is the start of a new argument.
By coincidence, by Tim Hawkins. When my children hear this tune of the original song, they automatically sing this version. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SZ3SC-gVvy0
If I’m just plain cruisin’ for a bruisin’ from my lovely I just say,
“If a man is standing in the forest and there’s no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?”
I have tears in my eyes... sigh... Oh the trouble we get ourselves into...
Once, in a fit of irritation at having been asked this question, I replied "Why would you blame the outfit?"
I also learned that, when one's beloved is unbuttoning her jeans, one shouldn't make intemperate references to opening a can of biscuits...
“I have bags under my eyes and crows feet. I have laff lines around my mouth and my neck is getting to look like a chicken's. My breasts are heading south and so is my butt. I have varicose veins and bunions. My hair turned grey overnight. I'm not feeling too good about myself.
Please tell me something positive about myself. me”.
so I told her her eyesight is damned near perfect.
Doctor says I should be out of the cast in 3 months.
That’s a keeper.
“I planned a hunting trip next week on your birthday. I didn’t tell you ‘cause I know it’d be OK.”
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, “What’s on TV?”
I said, “Dust.”
And then the fight started...
I heard a family story of when my FIL got my MIL a vacuum for their anniversary. Not a pretty sight at all. What is so funny is he was flabbergasted that she was annoyed and kept saying, “But it is a really good vacuum”.
You know, I thought it would be ok for me to skip Valentines day every year. I told my wife that I should be able to show her every day how much I care for her. I don’t need to buy her things on a commercial holiday. I told her it was my way of protesting. She didn’t buy it.
As to the Landmine Questions that many married men come to fear, the trick is knowing, and memorizing, the perfect answer for each. For example:
She: (Sigh). "Does this dress make my butt look big?"
He: "Dear: you make that dress look beautiful".
And so forth, leading to a most welcome opportunity to go back to watching the football game, and perhaps, to a spot of fun later in the evening.
Ha! Funny on the vacuum! My dad once bought my mother an 18 lb pipe wrench for her birthday. The year after she bought him a night gown and nail polish!
I remember when we were dating I bought my to-be wife a fire extinguisher for her apartment. Hey - it’s red, and what says “I love you” more than thinking of her safety.
She says I also left a nice necklace in the refrigerator for her to find when I asked her to get me a beer - but I don’t remember that part. (Thank goodness SHE does!).
Full list please?
Curb and Your Dog
I allow my wife to wear socks in the kitchen.
Geez, I’m not a monster.
And an apron when she’s frying stuff...
Shall never meet.
Did you do anything around here today?
I asked that once. She had done stuff. I heard all about it. Then I heard about a few things that I hadn’t done around the place.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
so they can stand closer to the sink.
Mark Gungor - Men's Brain Women's Brain
You'd pay good money for that, wouldn't you?
Here's another (I've got about 5 responses for this one, and they all work:
She (moodily): "What are you thinking about?"
He: "You know, I was thinking about the day I first saw you in that (restaurant/cafe/movie theater/beach/party/barbecue/strip joint) and how you just took my breath away, and how amazing it is that you can still do that now".
And what better way to say, "I love you" than, with the gift of a spatula?
My husband has it figured out, whenever I start getting annoyed he comes at me with guilty remorse with.."I know, I'm such an a@@-hole." After so many years together this one really works, I can't help laughing.
A link to an old Dave Barry column and a long excerpt:
Let’s say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they’re driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: “Do you realize that, as of tonight, we’ve been seeing each other for exactly six months?”
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he’s been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I’m trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn’t want, or isn’t sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I’m not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I’d have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward ...I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking...so that means it was...let’s see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer’s, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
My mom’s back used to hurt so badly dad would have to hold her up while she mopped.
I tell her to just sleep in the apron so she can jump up and fix breakfast without delay.
(This is getting ugly).
Did Elaine ever have a horse?
What are 'oxymorons', Alex?
The joke at our house is “When I get home from work I want it hot and on the table. And I’m not talking about dinner.”
Joan Rivers recalled that one night she and her husband were in bed and she was feeling bored so she asked him to talk dirty to her.
He replied, “The bedroom, the bathroom, the kitchen floor, the hall carpet, the windows....”
While living in Lincoln, Nebraska I was walking in the mall with my wife. I noticed that every single outfit displayed by the stores was in stunning Nebraska red. I said, "This place is football crazy! I mean it's the middle of winter and everything is red."
My wife looked at me with a scowl and replied, "You idiot. Valentine's Day is Saturday."
Don’t foget the sucker’s game of buying clothes for your wife. There are 3 possible responses from her:
— “It’s too small!! I’m getting fat!!!” (49.5% chance)
— “It’s too big!!! You THINK I’m fat!!!” (49.5% chance)
— “It’s perfect!! Darling you’re the best!” (1% chance).
I can’t believe you’re still alive to post! :O
My ex once asked me if the dress she was wearing made her look fat.
I replied, “No, the dress makes you look dressed, the fat makes you look fat.”
It wasn’t the reason for the divorce, but it didn’t make the remaining time any better.
1. Backed over the cat..
2. Ignored the "Maint needed light"..
3. Forgot a beloved pair of corduroy pants in the dryer for an hour..
4. Insert sin here:_________________________
And the punch line is:
And that, Your Honour, is why I shot him/her.
It always makes us laugh, regardless of the offence. Imho, one has to find ways to laugh as often as possible in a marriage.
You need to look at this.
so far, I’ve basically just fallen silent whenever my wife wants a verbal sparring match...can’t argue with someone who ain’t talkin...
of course, we’ve been married less than a year. I’m sure I will need to devise new tactics as the years progress...
I stopped buying clothes for my wife along time ago. It seemed futile to borrow my money from her purse to buy her something she was going to take back and get cash for to put back in her purse.
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