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$~$~$~THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD~$~$~$

Posted on 04/08/2011 5:59:12 AM PDT by Lucky9teen

What to Expect from a Government Shutdown

So there is the possibility of a government shutting down coming up. The Democrats seem to want it because they think it will be politically advantageous, but those guys would support a Nazi invasion of the U.S. if they thought politically advantageous to them. Still, I think maybe the government shutdown would be a good thing. I mean, if we just shut the whole thing down, that’s basically the only way to ensure we don’t spend anymore money. And maybe we can just declare bankruptcy on the federal government and forget all that debt and be done with it.

Anyway, here’s what to expect from a government shutdown:

* All legislators will now have to find real jobs, but there are few places that consider voting yes and no on lots of stuff as qualifying experience — and certainly they won’t be $200,000 a year for that.

* If you were dependent on any sort of welfare from the federal government, you’re probably gonna die. Sorry!

* With no federal government, there won’t be any enforced rules of engagement for troops overseas. In fact, you guys are just basically wandering ronin now. So if you see someone you think needs a killin’, just go ahead and shoot him.

* Obama will end up on the side of the road with a sign saying, “Will make impotent proclamations for food.”

* Federal prisons will shut down and all the prisoners will escape. They’ll probably have an easier time finding gainful employment than the legislators.

* U.S. currency will no longer be supported, so you’ll need to get your money in something that will last the government shutdown such as Facebook credits.

* Without the federal government, each state will now become an independent country. If your state wants to invade Kentucky and steal all its gold, you better be quick about it because I bet a lot of other states have the same idea.

* Without a big federal government to push everyone around, liberals won’t know what to do with themselves and will all die off during the winter. Too bad winter is about over so it will be a while until that happens.

* There will be no federal enforcement of borders, so it will be up to the states now without any outside interference. That means you can finally build that fence to keep Californians out.

* The U.S. Postal service will shutdown, which means you’ll only be able to use Netflix instant streaming as they’ll no longer be able to get you DVDs. If the post office shutting down affects you in any other way, then come on; get with this century, people.

* You know that guy who always yells at you when you try to climb the statue of Abraham Lincoln, well he ain’t gonna be there no more so no one is going to stop me!

Some people will then plot on how to get the federal government running again, but I think that’s pretty wrong-headed. Eventually, we should adjust just fine to no federal government and probably be better off in the long run. A federal government seemed like an interesting idea, but it was just unworkable. Well, let’s just dust off those Articles of Confederation and give those a try again.

So who has a truck and can help me steal a T-Rex from the Smithsonian?




Get your own Government Shutdown Switch!

Why let bickering politicians be the only ones to control the government? You’ve got gripes, too! Now you can get your own Government Shutdown Switch and issue your own threats. The Government Shutdown Switch connects easily to the Washington power grid online from anywhere, and controls the entire Federal government – including Congress, the Senate, the White House, and all Federal agencies. Simply throw the switch until you hear a click, and all government activity will come to an immediate stop. That includes all Federal funding – even previously unstoppable entitlement programs like Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid, as well as all military spending. You’ll have the government right where you want it! Congress, the Senate and the President will do anything to see that your demands are met – like better mail service, more Federal holidays, lower taxes, and straightening out that property dispute with your screwy neighbor – just to get the government running again. You’ll have the upper hand – because you’ll still have your Government Shutdown Switch, and can pull the same stunt over and over!

Government Shutdown Switch, $199.95  



Follow the Twitter Feed: if government shuts down. Some of the comments are hilarious.



TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: friday; govshutdown; nomoney; ofst
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To: Celtic Cross

And remember the scene in one of the Hot Shots movies where they are jumping out of the plane, everyone yelling “Geronimo!” then an Indian steps to the door of the plane and yells, “MEEEEEEEE!!!”


51 posted on 04/08/2011 8:47:56 AM PDT by fredhead (Liberals think globally, reason rectally, act idiotically.)
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To: ShadowAce; fredhead

I’ve seen some bad rotors in my mechanic days, but that is the worst I’ve ever seen. Actually, we had one truck that had brakes so worn, the rivets cut the drum into two pieces.


52 posted on 04/08/2011 8:54:17 AM PDT by Arrowhead1952 (TX and MI - When the going gets tough, the dims run and hide.)
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To: fredhead
Another somewhat similar one, and a personal favorite of mine...

A cowboy, an indian, and a muslim are sitting in a tiny podunk airstrip terminal. Tumbleweeds are rolling by in the hot wind.

To break the awkward silence, the indian says, “My people were once many, but now they are few.”

The muslim says with a contemptuous smirk, “My people were once few, and now they are many. Why do you think that is?”

The cowboy tilts up the brim of his hat, spits, and says, “Well, I reckon thats ‘cause we aint’ played cowboys and muslims yet.”

53 posted on 04/08/2011 8:56:14 AM PDT by Celtic Cross (Some minds are like cement; thoroughly mixed up and permanently set...)
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To: BenLurkin

Muslims move in and tell the pig farmer to sell his pigs or move out!

Katy, Tx – Pig races every Friday evening next to the mosque
http://youtu.be/QM78oLcAf5Q


54 posted on 04/08/2011 9:13:10 AM PDT by sunny48
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To: Celtic Cross

They’re Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.


The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much about you.

Don’t let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.


55 posted on 04/08/2011 9:14:22 AM PDT by Lucky9teen (Jobs? Nope! Economy? Nope! Disarm the U.S? Yep! Impeach the treasonous Marxist Muslim usurper bast)
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To: Lucky9teen

56 posted on 04/08/2011 9:19:15 AM PDT by Lady Jag (Keep the 'ICk" in Democratic)
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To: Lady Jag

Ha-ha!! Love me some Maxine!
Top 60! Woo-hoo!


57 posted on 04/08/2011 9:24:01 AM PDT by gimme1ibertee ("Criticism......brings attention to an unhealthy state of things"-Winston Churchill)
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To: Squidpup

Excellent graphic, except that the math is off by a factor of 10. 38 billion is actually 1% of 3.83 trillion— not .086%. MUCH larger portion of that $100 bill.

Still, his point is still valid.


58 posted on 04/08/2011 9:36:32 AM PDT by Egon (The difference between Theory and Practice: In Theory, there is no difference.)
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To: Lucky9teen

All you Need to Know about Government Bureaucracy:

** Lord’s prayer:..........................................................66 words.

** Archimedes’ Principle: .............................................67 words.

** 10 Commandments: ...............................................179 words.

** Gettysburg address: ...............................................286 words.

** Declaration of Independence : .............................1,300 words.

** US Constitution with 27 Amendments : ................ 7,818 words.

** US Government regulations on sale of cabbage: 26,911 words.
________

Truths For Mature Adults:

1. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment, when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection......again.

13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than with Kay.

16. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

17. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

18. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?

19. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front - - Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

20. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

21. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch three consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

22. The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Ladies.....Quit Laughing.


59 posted on 04/08/2011 9:58:48 AM PDT by unique
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To: Lucky9teen

He’s played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it , “ he tells his wife , “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad , once I’ve hit the ball , I can’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathizes. As they sit down she says , “Why don’t you take my brother with you , and give it one more try?”

“That’s no good , “ sighs Arthur. “Your brother is a hundred and three years old. He can’t help.”

“He may be a hundred and three , “ says the wife , “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.

He tees up , takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law , “Did you see the ball?”

“Of course I did , “ says the brother-in-law , “I have perfect eyesight.”

“Where did it go?” asks Arthur.

“I don’t remember.”


60 posted on 04/08/2011 10:36:21 AM PDT by ErnBatavia (It's not the Obama Administration....it's the "Obama Regime".)
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To: Lucky9teen

1.Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,

for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just pretty

much leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal
your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

4. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be
promoted.

5. Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day .

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably a wise investment.

12. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

13. Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like ‘The Force’. It has a light side and a dark
side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving .

20. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.


61 posted on 04/08/2011 10:42:54 AM PDT by sunny48
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To: Lucky9teen

Jeff Foxworthy........

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.

You may be a Muslim

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes..

You may be a Muslim

3. You have more wives than teeth.

You may be a Muslim

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.

You may be a Muslim

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

You may be a Muslim

6. You can’t think of anyone you haven’t declared Jihad against.

You may be a Muslim

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

You may be a Muslim

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

You may be a Muslim

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.

You may be a Muslim

10. Your cousin is president of the United States .

You may be a Muslim

11. You find this offensive or racist and don’t forward it.

You may be a Muslim


62 posted on 04/08/2011 10:45:55 AM PDT by sunny48
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To: Lucky9teen

I found this shocking picture. It's a picture of the world's largest hand!!!

63 posted on 04/08/2011 10:48:55 AM PDT by CougarGA7
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To: Celtic Cross

Then you should like this one, Shopping in Texas
http://youtu.be/uaZMQ_B5DA4


64 posted on 04/08/2011 11:01:58 AM PDT by sunny48
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To: ErnBatavia

An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant birthday
by staying overnight in one of London’s most expensive hotels.

When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £250.00.

She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high.
“It’s a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren’t worth £250.00 for just an overnight stop
without even breakfast.”

The clerk told her that £250.00 is the ‘standard rate’ so she insisted on speaking
to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced:
“The hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which
are available for use.”
‘But I didn’t use them,” she said.
‘’Well, they are here, and you could have,” explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows
for which the hotel is famous.
“We have the best entertainers from Edinburgh, Glasgow, and Aberdeen performing here,”
the Manager said.

“But I didn’t go to any of those shows,” she said.
“Well, we have them, and you could have,” the Manager replied..

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, “But I didn’t use it!”

The Manager was unmoved, so she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to
the Manager.

The Manager was surprised whenhe looked at the cheque.
“But madam, this cheque is only made out for £50.00.”’
‘That’s absolutely correct. I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me,” she replied.

“But I didn’t ! “ exclaims the very surprised Manager.
“Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.”


65 posted on 04/08/2011 11:03:55 AM PDT by sunny48
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To: Lucky9teen

I recently asked my friends’ little girl what she wanted to be when she grows
up. She said she wanted to be President of the United States.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there. So I asked
her, “If you were President, what would be the first thing you would do?”
She replied, “I’d give food and houses to all the homeless people.”
Her parents proudly beamed.

“Wow...what a worthy goal,” I told her. “But you
don’t have to wait until you’re President to do that. Tell you what - you can come
over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my driveway, and I’ll pay
you $50. Then I’ll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy
and give it to him so he can buy groceries and have money to save towards buying a new house. How about doing something wonderful like that?”

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye
and asked, “Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and do the work, and
you can just pay him the $50?”

I said, “Welcome to the Republican Party.”

Her parents still aren’t speaking to me.


66 posted on 04/08/2011 11:06:03 AM PDT by sunny48
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To: fredhead

Oh, that’ll buff right out.


67 posted on 04/08/2011 11:10:11 AM PDT by freedomlover (Make sure you're in love - before you move in the heavy stuff)
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To: sunny48
Government shut down pick up lines
68 posted on 04/08/2011 11:11:39 AM PDT by Lucky9teen (Jobs? Nope! Economy? Nope! Disarm the U.S? Yep! Impeach the treasonous Marxist Muslim usurper bast)
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To: Lucky9teen; KentTrappedInLiberalSeattle

X-Men Hangover.

69 posted on 04/08/2011 11:13:07 AM PDT by martin_fierro (< |:)~)
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To: Lucky9teen; KentTrappedInLiberalSeattle

X-Men Hangover.

70 posted on 04/08/2011 11:13:23 AM PDT by martin_fierro (< |:)~)
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To: martin_fierro

ack server fart


71 posted on 04/08/2011 11:14:23 AM PDT by martin_fierro (< |:)~)
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To: ShadowAce

I love the name of the website on that photo. I know if I went there I would waste ANOTHER hour of work.

Trying . . . not . . . to . . click . .


72 posted on 04/08/2011 11:14:56 AM PDT by freedomlover (Make sure you're in love - before you move in the heavy stuff)
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To: unique

Those are great. My favorites:

3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

19. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front - - Stay strong, brothers and sisters!


73 posted on 04/08/2011 12:06:42 PM PDT by r-q-tek86 ("It doesn't matter how smart you are if you don't stop and think" - Dr. Sowell)
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To: Lucky9teen

74 posted on 04/08/2011 12:28:15 PM PDT by Pride_of_the_Bluegrass
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To: Ronald_Magnus
Don’t think there’s enough material there to turn those rotors.

Oh, that's what they always say.

75 posted on 04/08/2011 12:30:35 PM PDT by tnlibertarian (Hey D. C., tax increases are not spending cuts. Nor do tax cuts constitute increased spending.)
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To: gimme1ibertee
Maxine is a genius.


76 posted on 04/08/2011 12:41:08 PM PDT by Lady Jag (Keep the 'ICk" in Democratic)
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To: r-q-tek86

77 posted on 04/08/2011 12:46:59 PM PDT by unique
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To: Arrowhead1952

I made the mistake of having my brakes done in Korea the day before Chu-sok holidays began. Half of one brake shoe came unbolted and the shoe flipped around. I had to use my parking brake to stop through half the city of Seoul.


78 posted on 04/08/2011 1:20:32 PM PDT by BerryDingle (I know how to deal with communists, I still wear their scars on my back from Hollywood-Ronald Reagan)
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To: BerryDingle

Being a mechanic has saved me a lot of worries and money. I do the brakes and a lot of other things on our vehicles. I quit changing oil, since I had trouble finding a station that would take the used oil.


79 posted on 04/08/2011 1:33:15 PM PDT by Arrowhead1952 (TX and MI - When the going gets tough, the dims run and hide.)
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To: Lucky9teen

Birth certificate! BIRTH CERTIFICATE!!
here, I'll show you a birth certificate.

80 posted on 04/08/2011 1:39:25 PM PDT by BerryDingle (I know how to deal with communists, I still wear their scars on my back from Hollywood-Ronald Reagan)
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To: Pride_of_the_Bluegrass

ROTFLMAO


81 posted on 04/08/2011 1:41:38 PM PDT by BerryDingle (I know how to deal with communists, I still wear their scars on my back from Hollywood-Ronald Reagan)
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To: BerryDingle
CAPTION THIS...


"The government's not the only thing that goes down at midnight..."

i'm cutting spending and you look like a cheap date

I'll bring the Majority. You bring the Whip

Room in your budget for a little pork?

Baby, I last longer than short term spending gaps!

buy me a drink and this house wont be the only thing that's divided

Wanna give me a funding lapse-dance?
82 posted on 04/08/2011 2:04:17 PM PDT by Lucky9teen (Jobs? Nope! Economy? Nope! Disarm the U.S? Yep! Impeach the treasonous Marxist Muslim usurper bast)
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To: Lucky9teen

83 posted on 04/08/2011 2:08:52 PM PDT by Lucky9teen (Jobs? Nope! Economy? Nope! Disarm the U.S? Yep! Impeach the treasonous Marxist Muslim usurper bast)
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To: Lucky9teen

Wow, that’s really fragrant! Did you do that?


84 posted on 04/08/2011 2:21:27 PM PDT by BerryDingle (I know how to deal with communists, I still wear their scars on my back from Hollywood-Ronald Reagan)
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To: sunny48
23. Build a man a fire and you keep him warm for a day.
Set a man on fire and you keep him warm until he dies.

Thanks GimpySadan!

85 posted on 04/08/2011 4:27:25 PM PDT by ItsForTheChildren
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To: r-q-tek86
I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front - - Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

That began to happen regularly after the Northridge Earthquake, and thousands of us that lived on the 'wrong' side of the collapsed Newhall pass had to endure multi-hour commutes out of the valley.

Periodically, you'd see a Mexican zipping along the dirt shoulder to save his ass an hour or two, so I - and many, many others - began to keep an eye in the rearview mirror watching for this activity; then simply swerve far enough to the right to do a firm 'blocking action'. It'd really piss the perp off, but after six months of these delays, we polite folk were already more pissed than he might have been so no gunplay took place (that I know of - but my glove compartment started packing).

86 posted on 04/08/2011 5:07:45 PM PDT by ErnBatavia (It's not the Obama Administration....it's the "Obama Regime".)
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To: Arrowhead1952
Pffft....pragmatism rules.


87 posted on 04/08/2011 5:12:17 PM PDT by ErnBatavia (It's not the Obama Administration....it's the "Obama Regime".)
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To: Arrowhead1952

Over the last two years I completely tore down and rebuilt a 69 VW beetle. Did everything but the transmission (nothing wrong there). Nobody else touches my bug.

I don’t touch the new cars. Too much hassle and computers. I like points and a carburetor.

My local parts store takes the used oil. I think it’s a state law.


88 posted on 04/09/2011 5:29:29 AM PDT by fredhead (Liberals think globally, reason rectally, act idiotically.)
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To: Lucky9teen

Excuse me if I think that this is disgusting and inappropriate. It’s even worse that the man is letting his daughter see it. Revolting.


89 posted on 04/11/2011 11:16:10 AM PDT by garyhope (It's World War IV, right here, right now, courtesy of "liberals, Islam and illegal immigration.)
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To: garyhope

Sorry, didn’t mean to offend.

It was a clip from America’s Funniest Videos. Albeit somewhat gross....it is what animals do.


90 posted on 04/11/2011 11:43:47 AM PDT by Lucky9teen (Jobs? Nope! Economy? Nope! Disarm the U.S? Yep! Impeach the treasonous Marxist Muslim usurper bast)
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