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It Can be Hard Keeping a Straight Face as a COURT REPORTER
Email ^ | 7/10/11 | Email

Posted on 07/10/2011 11:10:37 AM PDT by illiac

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


TOPICS: Chit/Chat; Humor
KEYWORDS: chat; humor
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death…

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them... The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral...

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________

And last:

(Well OK, this is the best)

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No…

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

1 posted on 07/10/2011 11:10:42 AM PDT by illiac
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To: illiac

I believe it. Too funny.


2 posted on 07/10/2011 11:12:45 AM PDT by mel
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To: illiac

I believe it. Too funny.


3 posted on 07/10/2011 11:12:45 AM PDT by mel
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To: illiac

Thanks for a badly needed horselaugh...


4 posted on 07/10/2011 11:13:38 AM PDT by freedumb2003 (Herman Cain 2012)
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To: illiac

Thanks for the laughs! :)


5 posted on 07/10/2011 11:21:10 AM PDT by EmilyGeiger
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To: illiac

The amusing thing about this is that the law is so literal, these are actually the kinds of questions and answers you would expect to hear at a trial.

Otherwise, the opposition lawyer would predictable get up and say something like, “Well, we have a photo of that witness, but the jury should remark that he never stated that he was present when the photo was taken. So his presence has not been proven. For that reason, it is doubful, and my client should be released.”


6 posted on 07/10/2011 11:26:29 AM PDT by Cicero (Marcus Tullius.)
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To: Wings-n-Wind

PING = LATER


7 posted on 07/10/2011 11:34:03 AM PDT by Wings-n-Wind (The main things are the plain things!)
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To: illiac

Obama is an attorney right? C’mon which one is he on this list?


8 posted on 07/10/2011 11:54:58 AM PDT by bjc (Check the data!!)
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To: illiac

Just hilarious. Thanks so much for posting.


9 posted on 07/10/2011 11:56:48 AM PDT by Cedar
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To: bjc

Barack Hussein Obama has given up his license to practice law. Moochelle’s was revoked.


10 posted on 07/10/2011 12:01:17 PM PDT by Daffynition ("Don't just live your life, but witness it also.")
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To: Daffynition

My mistake. I should have said “was” an attorney.


11 posted on 07/10/2011 12:03:12 PM PDT by bjc (Check the data!!)
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To: illiac

12 posted on 07/10/2011 12:05:23 PM PDT by Daffynition ("Don't just live your life, but witness it also.")
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To: illiac

Thank you, I needed that.

A good laugh goes a long way.


13 posted on 07/10/2011 12:08:01 PM PDT by loucon
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To: bjc

Did anyone ever find out why Moochelle’s was revoked...or is that info gone the way of the birth certificate?


14 posted on 07/10/2011 12:17:29 PM PDT by Daffynition ("Don't just live your life, but witness it also.")
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To: illiac

Court Reporters amaze me.
Does anyone know anything about those little machines they use?
They don’t have very many buttons but they seem to get everything.


15 posted on 07/10/2011 12:19:40 PM PDT by libertylover (The problem with Obama is not that his skin is too black, it's that his ideas are too RED.)
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Click the Chick

Even this baby owes thousands on the national debt

Give what you can
Or donate monthly
A sponsoring FReeper will give $10 for each new monthly donor

16 posted on 07/10/2011 12:20:15 PM PDT by TheOldLady (FReepmail me to get ON or OFF the ZOT LIGHTNING ping list.)
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To: Daffynition

The Bailiff looks like Oddjob. “Ah, Ah !”


17 posted on 07/10/2011 12:21:42 PM PDT by fieldmarshaldj (~"This is what happens when you find a stranger in the Amber Lamps !"~~)
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To: libertylover

The machine to which you refer is known as a stenotype machine. It looks something like a small typewriter, but it has only 22 keys, including numerals. By touching one or more keys, the reporter captures the sounds of words in a phonetic code with each line of characters representing one sound. A skilled shorthand reporter can handle sustained speech at the rate of four words per second; doing the math, that yields a whopping 240 words per minute, which is substantially faster than most people speak.

As you might expect, this skill is not something one picks up overnight. The Professional Court Reporting College in Dallas, Texas, has a training program that is estimated at 2,700 class hours. The skilled shorthand reporter mentioned above could record 38,880,000 words in that period of time, but there’s probably a learning curve that brings the actual number of words reported down substantially during the actual training time. The college notes that a few students have graduated in less than two years, but three-plus years is more typical. (They don’t mention if the longer stay is due to lesser ability or the necessity of bussing tables at the local Denny’s to earn tuition money).

Once you’ve completed the course, you’re ready to be licensed by the Court Reporters State Certification Board (if you stay in Texas, that is; other states, presumably, have similar bureaucracies). To be eligible for the state examination, given four times a year in Austin, a student must be able to write at least 225 words per minute at 95% - 98% accuracy and pass all academic courses. Apparently the different state certification boards have different speeds at which you must be able to write, but none is higher than 225wpm.


18 posted on 07/10/2011 12:36:13 PM PDT by illiac (If we don't change directions soon, we'll get where we're going)
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To: libertylover
Court Reporters amaze me.

Does anyone know anything about those little machines they use?

They don’t have very many buttons but they seem to get everything

Instead of one key per letter, like a typewriter, the machine requires multiple keys. Each letter requires a different combination of multiple key presses. The skill required is much higher than that of using a typewriter.

I once presided over a court martial in which the reporter used a mask with a microphone in it. She repeated everything that was said by the witnesses and the court.

19 posted on 07/10/2011 12:40:22 PM PDT by JoeFromSidney (New book: RESISTANCE TO TYRANNY. A primer on armed revolt. Available form Amazon.)
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To: JoeFromSidney

Wow, it sounds like that is not a job for the dyslexic. Regular typing is bad enough...


20 posted on 07/10/2011 12:47:19 PM PDT by exDemMom (Now that I've finally accepted that I'm living a bad hair life, I'm more at peace with the world.)
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To: illiac; JoeFromSidney

Thanks for the info. They still amaze me in that they have to get down quite a number of biglongmedicalterms, words that don’t roll of the tongues easily of most of us. I guess that’s part of the training too but it still seems hard.


21 posted on 07/10/2011 12:53:59 PM PDT by libertylover (The problem with Obama is not that his skin is too black, it's that his ideas are too RED.)
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To: illiac
Geez, that's a lot tougher than the code exam used to be for Extra Class amateurs. That was only 20 WPM.

≤}B^)

22 posted on 07/10/2011 12:57:31 PM PDT by Erasmus (I love "The Raven," but then what do I know? I'm just a poetaster.)
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To: illiac
There is no way that this exchange took place and there was a single straight face in the court.

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid

23 posted on 07/10/2011 1:06:57 PM PDT by CharlyFord (t)
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To: illiac
Q. That statement is a completely false statement. Whether or not Mr. Bennett knew of your relationship with Ms. Lewinsky, the statement that there was "no sex of any kind in any manner, shape or form, with President Clinton," was an utterly false statement. Is that correct?

A. It depends on what the meaning of the word "is" is. If the –if he – if "is" means is and never has been, that is not--- that is one thing. If it means there is none, that was a completely true statement.

24 posted on 07/10/2011 1:06:57 PM PDT by grey_whiskers (The opinions are solely those of the author and are subject to change without notice.)
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To: fieldmarshaldj

>>;-P


25 posted on 07/10/2011 1:33:36 PM PDT by Daffynition ("Don't just live your life, but witness it also.")
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To: illiac

Ping


26 posted on 07/10/2011 1:56:08 PM PDT by ishmac (Lady Thatcher:"There are no permanent defeats in politics because there are no permanent victories.")
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To: illiac

I am a retired Texas attorney. We had a federal judge, Jerry Buchmeyer (I think I spelled that right) who had a regular column in the Texas Bar Journal in which he cited bloopers, errors, and just funny answers submitted to him by attorneys, court reporters and judges, from trials and depositions. As I remember, the column was called “Et Cetera.” He is gone now, but his legacy apparently lives on.


27 posted on 07/10/2011 2:08:36 PM PDT by ixtl (You live and learn. Or you don't live long.)
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To: illiac

My mother recorded medical testimony via stenotype in court cases. She was one of a very few that was certified to do that. As I remember she was very busy traveling throughout the state.


28 posted on 07/10/2011 2:37:19 PM PDT by TaMoDee (GO PACK GO to Super Bowl XLVI)
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To: Daffynition

She aided and abetted a client in attempting to commit insurance fraud. Her client? Barak H. Obama II.

Michelle Robinson was politically well connected to Rev. Jesse Jackson (his adopted son, Jesse Jackson, Jr,’s birth name is Robinson) and the Dailey political machine in Chicago.

She managed to avoid an indictment but her law license was suspended permanently.


29 posted on 07/10/2011 3:19:29 PM PDT by SatinDoll (NO FOREIGN NATIONALS AS OUR PRESIDENT!)
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To: SatinDoll

Thanks for the info. I’m not particularly surprised.


30 posted on 07/10/2011 6:17:44 PM PDT by Daffynition ("Don't just live your life, but witness it also.")
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To: illiac

That last one is LEGENDARY in the medical field. Every doc I know loves it.


31 posted on 07/10/2011 7:11:26 PM PDT by boop ("Let's just say they'll be satisfied with LESS"... Ming the Merciless)
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To: illiac

Very funny! (mark for later)


32 posted on 07/10/2011 7:51:25 PM PDT by Pollster1 (Natural born citizen of the USA, with the birth certificate to prove it)
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To: potlatch; PhilDragoo; bitt

Need a laugh?


33 posted on 07/11/2011 11:07:50 PM PDT by ntnychik
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