|
Posted on 09/01/2011 1:15:08 AM PDT by JustAmy
|
Good Morning, MEG. Wishing a Blessed Sunday to one and all.
I really appreciate all the beautiful graphics presented on this 10th anniversary of the attacks on the USA.
Though I had no friends or relatives who became victims of the attacks, I did and still do, like everyone here, feel the pain that our beloved country suffered on 9-11.
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he
meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?” The man said, “I do Father.” The
priest said, “Then stand over there against the wall.”
Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
“Certainly, Father,” was the man’s reply. “Then stand over there against
the wall,” said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said, “Do you want to go to
heaven?” O’Toole said, “No, I don’t Father.”
The priest said, “I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you
die you don’t want to go to heaven?”
O’Toole said, “Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group
together to go right now.”
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to harm himself, is it
considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered
plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean
them?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain
silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
(Isn’t it already sour?)
PRAYER:
Dear God,
may I be filled with loving kindness.
May I be well.
May I be peaceful and at ease.
May I be happy.
In Jesus’s name
Amen,
We here share his grief. Thanks, yorkie!
Lamh Foistenach Abu!
Thank you
Taxing Flag
A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. “Our flag symbolizes our taxes,” he said. “We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them.”
“That’s the same with us,” the American said, “only we see stars, too.”
Three’s a Crowd
The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, “I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we’re going to be three in this house instead of two.”
Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.
He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, “I’m glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us.”
Yes, we surely do, Teenie.
And, oh, how we miss
Having a leader so full of compassion,
And obvious love for our beloved country.
What it REALLY means
“I can’t find it,” REALLY MEANS, “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”
“That’s women’s work,” REALLY MEANS, “It’s dirty, difficult and thankless.”
“Will you marry me?” REALLY MEANS, “Both my roommates have moved out, I can’t find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter.”
“It’s a guy thing,” REALLY MEANS, “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”
“Can I help with dinner?” REALLY MEANS, “Why isn’t it already on the table?”
“It would take too long to explain, “REALLY MEANS, “I have no idea how it works.”
“I’m getting more exercise lately,” REALLY MEANS, “The batteries in the remote are dead.”
“I just had a dream about it ...”
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s Day. What do you think it means?”
“You’ll know tonight,” he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it—only to find a book entitled “The Meaning of Dreams.”
Amen..Lovely
Man On His Deathbed
As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, “I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I’ve slept with dozens of them.”
His wife looked at him calmly and said, “Why do you think I gave you the poison?”
Divorce
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”
“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her,” and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “They’re not getting divorced if I have anything to do about it,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.”
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife and says, “Okay, they’re coming for Thanksgiving...now what do we tell them for Christmas?”
Entertaining Guests
After dinner one evening a the president was entertaining their house guest by playing the piano.
At one point he turned to the visitor, a fat conservative talk show host, and said, “I understand you love music.”
“Yes,” murmured the guest politely. “But never you mind. Keep right on playing ...”
Love this!!
Little Johnny sat playing in the garden.
When his mother came out to collect him, she saw that he was slowly eating a worm.
She turned pale. “No, Johnny! Stop! That’s horrible! You can’t eat worms!”
Trying to convince him further she noted, “Now the mother worm is looking all over for her nice baby worm.”
“No, she isn’t,” said Johnny.
“How do you know she’s not?” said the mother.
“Because I ate her first!” answered Little Johnny.
Funeral Comments
Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, “When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first guy says,”I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”
The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.
The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say ... Look, He’s Moving!
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.
