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(-:(-:(-:THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD:-):-):-)

Posted on 09/09/2011 6:40:51 AM PDT by Lucky9teen


Well, I’ve drawn a blank on ideas for this week, so I’m punting the ball off to you guys......





Obama Jobs Speech - leaked



They see me scrollin’...




TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: football; ofst; silliness
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1 posted on 09/09/2011 6:40:54 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
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To: Lucky9teen

Woohoo!! It’s Friday!!


2 posted on 09/09/2011 6:41:21 AM PDT by ShadowAce (Linux -- The Ultimate Windows Service Pack)
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To: Lucky9teen

IBTP?


3 posted on 09/09/2011 6:41:27 AM PDT by CPOSharky (The only thing straight, white, Christian males get is the blame for everything.)
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To: CPOSharky

top 10


4 posted on 09/09/2011 6:41:53 AM PDT by politicalamity
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To: 2111USMC; 21stCenturion; 2ndDivisionVet; 3AngelaD; 4mycountry; 5Madman2; 66-442hot; 6amgelsmama; ...



TIME FOR

CLICK HERE TO BE INCLUDED OR TAKEN OFF THE LIST



5 posted on 09/09/2011 6:42:34 AM PDT by Lucky9teen (Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading.~Thomas Jeffer)
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To: Lucky9teen

IBTP?


6 posted on 09/09/2011 6:42:46 AM PDT by JRios1968 (I'm guttery and trashy, with a hint of lemon. - Laz)
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To: JRios1968

&^%$(, 12 seconds late!


7 posted on 09/09/2011 6:43:23 AM PDT by JRios1968 (I'm guttery and trashy, with a hint of lemon. - Laz)
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To: Lucky9teen

TOP TEN!!!!! WOOO HOOOO!


8 posted on 09/09/2011 6:43:59 AM PDT by NCC-1701 (In Memphis on January 20, 2009, pump price were $1.49. We all know what happened after that.)
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To: Lucky9teen

TGIF!!!


9 posted on 09/09/2011 6:44:04 AM PDT by Currentriverrat (Stop cap and trade fraud.)
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To: Lucky9teen

There was a woman who was interested in getting a boob job, so she went to her doctor, Dr. Smith and questioned him about implants. He explained that, before you do anything too serious, there is a method that has worked for a lot of my patients.

Every morning when you wake up rub your boobs and say ‘’Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies.’’ She did this faithfully for weeks and noticed one day that they actually were getting bigger, she was very impressed.

One morning she woke up, late for work and very rushed. By the time she got on the bus she realized that she forgot to go through her routine. So standing on the bus, while rubbing her boobs she says ‘’Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies’’. The man standing next to her says, ‘’You go to Dr. Smith?’’ ‘’Yes,’’ she said, ‘’how did you know?’’ He replies ‘’Hickory dickory dock!’’


10 posted on 09/09/2011 6:44:04 AM PDT by notsofastmyfriend (He is the life of parties he has never attended...)
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To: Lucky9teen

About retirement

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree’s bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day
.
Question: What’s the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don’t retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who continues to work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What’s the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one can call your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn’t miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

Question: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday to Friday; Nothing, Saturday & Sunday I rest.


11 posted on 09/09/2011 6:44:35 AM PDT by CPOSharky (The only thing straight, white, Christian males get is the blame for everything.)
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To: Lucky9teen
"It also charges this Congress to come up with an additional $1.5 trillion in savings by Christmas.

Tonight, I’m asking you to increase that amount so that it covers the full cost of the American Jobs Act."

12 posted on 09/09/2011 6:48:28 AM PDT by evets (beer)
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To: Lucky9teen

13 posted on 09/09/2011 6:58:04 AM PDT by ShadowAce (Linux -- The Ultimate Windows Service Pack)
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To: ShadowAce

14 posted on 09/09/2011 6:59:32 AM PDT by ShadowAce (Linux -- The Ultimate Windows Service Pack)
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To: ShadowAce

That poor bastard. Good Grief.


15 posted on 09/09/2011 7:00:37 AM PDT by eyedigress ((Old storm chaser from the west)?)
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To: ShadowAce

16 posted on 09/09/2011 7:01:13 AM PDT by ShadowAce (Linux -- The Ultimate Windows Service Pack)
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To: ShadowAce

17 posted on 09/09/2011 7:02:25 AM PDT by ShadowAce (Linux -- The Ultimate Windows Service Pack)
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To: ShadowAce

18 posted on 09/09/2011 7:03:42 AM PDT by ShadowAce (Linux -- The Ultimate Windows Service Pack)
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To: ShadowAce

19 posted on 09/09/2011 7:06:35 AM PDT by ShadowAce (Linux -- The Ultimate Windows Service Pack)
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To: Lucky9teen

Top 20!


20 posted on 09/09/2011 7:07:58 AM PDT by Mr. Silverback (Anyone who says we need illegals to do the jobs Americans won't do has never watched "Dirty Jobs.")
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To: ShadowAce

21 posted on 09/09/2011 7:08:07 AM PDT by ShadowAce (Linux -- The Ultimate Windows Service Pack)
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To: ShadowAce

22 posted on 09/09/2011 7:09:00 AM PDT by ShadowAce (Linux -- The Ultimate Windows Service Pack)
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To: ShadowAce

23 posted on 09/09/2011 7:11:02 AM PDT by ShadowAce (Linux -- The Ultimate Windows Service Pack)
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To: Lucky9teen

First-year students at the OSU Vet School were attending their first anatomy
class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with
the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, “In Veterinary medicine it
is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first thing is
that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal’s body.” For an
example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt
of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. “Go ahead and do
the same thing,” he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took
turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, “The second
most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and
sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life’s tough but it’s
even tougher if you’re stupid.

T.G.I.F


24 posted on 09/09/2011 7:14:55 AM PDT by SC_Republican (Has it really been THAT long??)
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To: Lucky9teen

From the email today:


Subject: FW: A GOOD ONE FW - TV

The longer you’ve been married, the funnier this becomes!


An elderly married couple was at home watching TV.

The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:

“For god’s sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!”
<><><>


25 posted on 09/09/2011 7:23:12 AM PDT by Arrowhead1952 (Dear God, please let it rain in Texas. Amen.)
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To: Lucky9teen
Photobucket

Photobucket

26 posted on 09/09/2011 7:39:08 AM PDT by dragonblustar
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To: Lucky9teen

Market’s down almost 200 points as the aftermath of Zer0’s “jobs speech”.


27 posted on 09/09/2011 7:42:02 AM PDT by ErnBatavia (Obama Voters: Jose Baez wants YOU for his next jury pool.......)
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To: ErnBatavia

Did anybody watch it. Who did fearless leader blame this time?


28 posted on 09/09/2011 7:44:31 AM PDT by eyedigress ((Old storm chaser from the west)?)
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To: Lucky9teen
Photobucket

What's so scary about Michelle Obama? I dunno, maybe it was this photo....

Photobucket

29 posted on 09/09/2011 7:45:54 AM PDT by dragonblustar
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To: NCC-1701
I'm late....made a 6am Wally World run to replace some of the power failure lights that weren't up to snuff during yesterday's SoCal outage.

It was a brutal evening; 113 degrees when we got home in the late afternoon and the juice had been out an hour already.

We kept it all in perspective, however, considering what a whole lot of other people are going thru - it was hot, but not on fire...and we were dry.

30 posted on 09/09/2011 7:46:33 AM PDT by ErnBatavia (Obama Voters: Jose Baez wants YOU for his next jury pool.......)
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To: SC_Republican

That’s funny! I interviewed for a job at the OSU vet school (Oregon State). I was asked if I minded bad smells. Apparently the architect had situated the drop off area for cadavers right where the building’s air intake was.

Architectural FAIL!


31 posted on 09/09/2011 7:48:24 AM PDT by Twotone (Marte Et Clypeo)
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To: ErnBatavia

But on the up side, you probably were spared Obama’s bloviating. That alone would have made the outage worth it.


32 posted on 09/09/2011 7:51:16 AM PDT by NCC-1701 (In Memphis on January 20, 2009, pump price were $1.49. We all know what happened after that.)
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To: Lucky9teen
TIME FOR PIE



Strickland Pie.
How many times can Barry say pie?
We need pie.
33 posted on 09/09/2011 7:51:42 AM PDT by SERKIT ("Blazing Saddles" explains it all......)
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To: eyedigress

We were in the middle of that California power outage at the time - the only fortunate part of having it 111 or 112 degrees with no juice.


34 posted on 09/09/2011 7:57:04 AM PDT by ErnBatavia (Obama Voters: Jose Baez wants YOU for his next jury pool.......)
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To: ErnBatavia

That is rather warm. Obamarama can spend his billion bucks on the “Don’t Blame Me 2012” tour but it isn’t going to happen.


35 posted on 09/09/2011 8:06:38 AM PDT by eyedigress ((Old storm chaser from the west)?)
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To: SERKIT

Speaking of pie.....you like rich, sweet desserts?

Try this:

Cherry-O Cream Cheese Pie

1 8 oz block of cream cheese, softened
1 can Borden’s Eagle Brand sweetened condensed milk
1 tsp Vanilla extract
1/3 cup lemon juice
1 can cherry pie filling
1 graham cracker pie shell

Using a mixer, beat the cream cheese until fluffy.
Add in the Eagle Brand milk, vanilla, and lemon juice.
Beat until well mixed and smooth.
Pour into the pie shell and place in refrigerator overnight.
Next day top with the cherry pie filling.

ENJOY!!!!

My Mom used to make this and it was my favorite.


36 posted on 09/09/2011 8:06:45 AM PDT by fredhead (I'm not sleeping, I'm checking my eyelids for cracks.)
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To: Twotone
Architectural FAIL!

Sounds more like a mechanical engineer fail, but the architect should have caught it. I have a building under construction right now. The engineer had designed the restroom exhaust fan to vent right at the front door. Fortunately, I did catch that one.

37 posted on 09/09/2011 8:09:08 AM PDT by r-q-tek86 ("It doesn't matter how smart you are if you don't stop and think" - Dr. Sowell)
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To: Lucky9teen

IN! (Finally!)


38 posted on 09/09/2011 8:10:11 AM PDT by Monkey Face ("...I believe in angels; something good in everything I see..." ABBA)
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To: dragonblustar

There’s something on the wing...


39 posted on 09/09/2011 8:12:15 AM PDT by Zeppelin (Keep on FReepin' on...)
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To: SERKIT

40 posted on 09/09/2011 8:13:12 AM PDT by r-q-tek86 ("It doesn't matter how smart you are if you don't stop and think" - Dr. Sowell)
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To: fredhead

My late ex-mother-in-law used to make this, but I had lost the recipe years ago. Thanks for posting it!

‘Face


41 posted on 09/09/2011 8:20:19 AM PDT by Monkey Face ("...I believe in angels; something good in everything I see..." ABBA)
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To: Zeppelin

42 posted on 09/09/2011 8:24:25 AM PDT by eyedigress ((Old storm chaser from the west)?)
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To: r-q-tek86

DEEP THOUGHTS

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather— who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
—Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: “Take two aspirin” and “Keep away from children”.
—Author Unknown

3) Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.
—Drew Carey

4) Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.
—Rod Stewart

5) The problem with the designated driver program, it’s not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it...at the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
—Jeff Foxworthy

6) Do you know why they call it “PMS”? Because “Mad Cow Disease” was taken.
—Unknown (presumed deceased)

7) If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.
—Dave Barry

8) What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?
—Marilyn Pittman

9) Relationships are hard. It’s like a full time job and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.
—Bob Ettinger

10) My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.
—Paula Poundstone

11) A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”
—Conan O’Brien

12) Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, “Oh my God... I could be eating a slow learner.”
—Lynda Montgomery

13) I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”
—Richard Jeni

14) If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
—Johnny Carson

15) Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.

-Paul Rodriguez

16) My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that’s the law.
—Jerry Seinfeld

17) Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest? What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?
—Warren Hutcherson

18) Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same.
—Oscar Wilde

19) Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
—Mark Twain

20) Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student At least they can find Afghanistan!
—A. Whitney Brown

21) Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.
—Robin Williams

22) Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
—Roseanne

23) Women need a reason to have sex Men just need a place.
— Billy Crystal

24) You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!
—Dave Barry


43 posted on 09/09/2011 8:26:26 AM PDT by r-q-tek86 ("It doesn't matter how smart you are if you don't stop and think" - Dr. Sowell)
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To: r-q-tek86

You know you have a drinking problem when...

You have so much alcohol in your system that your cabbie has to be HazMat certified.
You install shag carpet because it’s easier to hang on to. Embalming fluid would be an improvement.
Your last Breathalyzer reading was “No Effing Way.”
Distilleries fight over the billboard nearest to your place of residence.
Your friends often substitute “Good night” with “Hey, you can’t sleep here.”
When you donate blood they store it in oak barrels.
Your name is police code for Public Intoxication.
You’re fairly sure a letter to Dear Abby signed “Want To Leave the Bum, But Can’t” was written by your liver.
Your favorite drinking game is Do A Shot Every Time You Do A Shot.
Your idea of a seven-course meal is a six-pack and a pizza.
TV beer ads have started addressing you by name.
You brush your teeth with bourbon. It hasn’t helped cut down on cavities, but who cares?
You know heavy drinking makes you smarter because you can never remember doing anything stupid while blacked out.
You have a split personality—every time you meet someone with booze you want to split it with them.
You were so drunk at the office Xmas party that you kissed your own wife.
You become sexually aroused by the tapping of a keg.
You know you can use Jagermeister as cough syrup. And visa versa.
You spill so much booze at home your dog slurs his barks.
Your credit history is composed entirely of bar tabs.
You’re always shaking hands, even when there’s no one else around.
Whenever you bend your elbow your mouth snaps open.
When your boss asks you to work overtime you demand time and a fifth.
Your favorite bar is four blocks away — six blocks coming back.
The Red Cross uses your blood to sterilize their instruments.
You’re half scotch, and your ancestors aren’t from Scotland.
You know how to handle your liquor — with both hands.
You can tell what bar you’re in by the bottoms of their tables.
A liter of scotch isn’t enough to invite a friend over for a drink.
You know most the of people in a bar and can’t remember one of their names.
Anyone who kisses you must legally wait half an hour to drive.
You’ve filed assault charges against a coffee table.
When you’re out in the street, you are literally “out” in the street.
You think of drinking beer as “sobering up,”
You can say “Whiskey, please” in 34 languages, but can’t understand “Last call” in English.
You know better than going near an open flame while you’re bleeding.
Your bed looks a helluva lot like a park bench, and your bedroom looks a helluva lot like a park.
You’ve been cut off during communion.
You wonder why they call it Southern Comfort when they know damn well there is nothing comfortable about being handcuffed in the back of a squad car.
Growing-up means buying better booze, getting older means getting used to the cheap stuff again.
Your bartender never has to ask, “Do you want another?”
You’re favorite method of dieting is the “Slim Jim”: Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.
You fell down two flights of stairs and didn’t spill a drop.
When you wake up hungover you’re afraid you’ll die. Half an hour later you’re afraid you’ll live.
You wonder why people need friends when you can just sit in a room and drink all day.


44 posted on 09/09/2011 8:32:13 AM PDT by r-q-tek86 ("It doesn't matter how smart you are if you don't stop and think" - Dr. Sowell)
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To: r-q-tek86

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, “Quick, bring me a beer before it starts.”

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, “Quick, bring me another beer. It’s gonna start soon.”

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, “Quick, another beer, it’s gonna start any second.”

“That’s it!” She blows her top, “You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don’t even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don’t you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?”

The husband sighed. “Oh crap, it’s started.


45 posted on 09/09/2011 8:34:19 AM PDT by r-q-tek86 ("It doesn't matter how smart you are if you don't stop and think" - Dr. Sowell)
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To: r-q-tek86
Top 12 Reasons You Know You Love Your Job:

  1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
  2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
  3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
  4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.
  5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.
  6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
  7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
  8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
  9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
  10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
  11. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
  12. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

46 posted on 09/09/2011 8:37:25 AM PDT by ShadowAce (Linux -- The Ultimate Windows Service Pack)
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To: ShadowAce


47 posted on 09/09/2011 8:43:33 AM PDT by Lazlo in PA (Now living in a newly minted Red State.)
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To: fredhead

My mom still makes this for almost every holiday. I grew up on it.

She also makes a really delicious pumpkin pie.


48 posted on 09/09/2011 8:50:01 AM PDT by ZirconEncrustedTweezers (I've tried to think like a liberal, but I can't get my head far enough up my behind...)
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To: Lazlo in PA

Last one. OUCH!


49 posted on 09/09/2011 8:50:33 AM PDT by RabidBartender (The above statement is not meant to be offensive to women. Please don't whine and have me banned.)
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To: Lucky9teen
Where is Qaddafi?

50 posted on 09/09/2011 8:58:58 AM PDT by existentialist
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