Skip to comments.(-:(-:(-:THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD:-):-):-)
Posted on 09/09/2011 6:40:51 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
This one’s now on my Facebook page.
I have a little silliness in my garden. Follow the link and note the phone number doodled in the 8th picture.
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise
ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow
away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said,
“Pardon me, madam.
I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress
is blowing up in this high wind?”
“Yes, I know,” said the lady.
“I need both my hands to hold onto this hat.”
“But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties
and your privates are exposed!”
said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied,
“Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old.
I just bought this hat yesterday!”
For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone - don’t take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don’t know.
I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered saying, “Hello?” I politely said, “This is Fred, could I please speak with Robin Carter?”
He replied “Wrong number, a$$hole” and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin’s correct number and called her. (I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number.) After hanging up with her, I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, “You’re an a$$hole!”
and I hung up.
I wrote his number down, with the word ‘a$$hole’ next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, “You’re an a$$hole!” It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic ‘a$$hole’ calling
would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, “Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I’m just calling to see if you’re familiar with the caller ID program?” He yelled, “NO!” and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because you’re an a$$hole! “
So, one day I was at the grocery store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a “For Sale” sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first a$$hole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW a$$hole, too.
I dialed and someone said, “Hello?” I said, “Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?” “Yes it is.” “Can you tell me where I can see it?”
“Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It’s a yellow house and the car’s parked right out front.”
“What’s your name?” I asked.
“My name is Don Hansen,” he said.
“When’s a good time to catch you, Don?”
“I’m home every evening after five.”
“Listen, Don, can I tell you something?”
“Don, you’re an a$$hole!”
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two a$$holes to call. But after several weeks of calling them, it wasn’t as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea: I called A$$hole #1.
“You’re an a$$hole!” (but I didn’t hang up).
“Are you still there?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I said.
“Stop calling me,” he screamed.
“Make me,” I said.
“Who are you? “ he asked.
“My name is Don Hansen.”
“Yeah? Where do you live?”
“I live at 1802 West 34th Street, A$$hole, a yellow house with my black BMW parked in front.”
He said, “I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.”
I said, “Yeah, like I’m really scared, a$$hole.”
Then I called a$$hole # 2: “Hello?” he said.
“Hello, A$$hole,” I said.
He yelled, “If I ever find out who you are...”
“You’ll what?” I said.
I’ll kick your ass,” he exclaimed.
I answered, “Well, a$$hole, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now!”
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
1802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th St. There, I saw two a$$holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a TV news crew.
Now, I feel better.
That recipe is so simple I have it in my head. Don’t have it written down anywhere.
only half of those apply to me.. so i’m still safe right?
I know it’s an oldie...but it’s still funny.
(or: Why the Cops Wont Patrol Brice Street)
I never dreamed slowly cruising through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous!
Studies have shown that motorcycling requires more decisions per second, and more sheer data processing than nearly any other common activity or sport. The reactions and accurate decision making abilities needed have been likened to the reactions of fighter pilots! The consequences of bad decisions or poor situational awareness are pretty much the same for both groups too.
Occasionally, as a rider I have caught myself starting to make bad or late decisions while riding. In flight training, my instructors called this being behind the power curve. It is a mark of experience that when this begins to happen, the rider recognizes the situation, and more importantly, does something about it. A short break, a meal, or even a gas stop can set things right again as it gives the brain a chance to catch up.
Good, accurate, and timely decisions are essential when riding a motorcycle at least if you want to remain among the living. In short, the brain needs to keep up with the machine.
I had been banging around the roads of east Texas and as I headed back into Dallas, found myself in very heavy, high-speed traffic on the freeways. Normally, this is not a problem, I commute in these conditions daily, but suddenly I was nearly run down by a cage that decided it needed my lane more than I did. This is not normally a big deal either, as it happens around here often, but usually I can accurately predict which drivers are not paying attention and avoid them before we are even close. This one I missed seeing until it was nearly too late, and as I took evasive action I nearly broadsided another car that I was not even aware was there!
Two bad decisions and insufficient situational awareness all within seconds. I was behind the power curve. Time to get off the freeway.
I hit the next exit, and as I was in an area I knew pretty well, headed through a few big residential neighborhoods as a new route home. As I turned onto the nearly empty streets I opened the visor on my full-face helmet to help get some air. I figured some slow riding through the quiet surface streets would give me time to relax, think, and regain that edge so frequently required when riding.
Little did I suspect
As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me. It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid itit was that close.
I hate to run over animals and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact.
Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels can take care of themselves!
Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing the oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his little beady eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, Banzai! or maybe, Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum! as the leap was spectacular and he flew over the windshield and impacted me squarely in the chest.
Instantly he set upon me. If I did not know better I would have sworn he brought twenty of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light t-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!
Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a t-shirt, and leather gloves puttering maybe 25mph down a quiet residential street and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing.
I grabbed for him with my left hand and managed to snag his tail. With all my strength I flung the evil rodent off the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw.
That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser.
But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary pissed-off squirrel.
This was an evil attack squirrel of death!
Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands, and with the force of the throw swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact he landed square on my back and resumed his rather anti-social and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him!
The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him.
I was startled to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result. Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it.
The engine roared as the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in well I just plain screamed.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel torn t-shirt, and only one leather glove roaring at maybe 70mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel and with a demonic squirrel on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.
With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebodys tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little affect against the massive power of the big cruiser.
About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he is a Scottish attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got IN my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed partway and he began hissing in my face I am quite sure my screaming changed tone and intensity. It seemed to have little affect on the squirrel however.
The rpms on The Dragon maxed out (I was not concerned about shifting at the moment) and her front end started to drop.
Now picture the large man on the huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very ragged torn t-shirt, and wearing one leather glove, roaring at probably 80mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrels tail sticking out his mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.
Finally I got the upper hand I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of, so to speak.
Picture the scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork.
Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn t-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing one leather glove, moving at probably 80mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.
I heard screams. They weren’t mine...
I managed to get the big motorcycle under directional control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign at a busy cross street.
I would have returned to fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really. But for two things. First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. One of them was on his back in the front yard of the house they had been parked in front of and was rapidly crabbing backwards away from the patrol car. The other was standing in the street and was training a riot shotgun on the police cruiser.
So the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to let the professionals handle it anyway. That was one thing. The other? Well, I swear I could see the squirrel, standing in the back window of the patrol car among shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery, and shaking his little fist at me. I think he was shooting me the finger
That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car
I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made an easy right turn, and sedately left the neighborhood.
As for my easy and slow drive home? Screw it. Faced with a choice of 80mph cars and inattentive drivers, or the evil, demonic, attack squirrel of death...Ill take my chances with the freeway. Every time.
And Ill buy myself a new pair of gloves.
OMG ROFLOL! Must save that one.... heh heh
Thank You. It goes up on the job board Monday.
A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice “13.......13.......13.........13” the man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned ‘14.........14.........14.......14.’
Didja hear about the Texan that walked into a bar?
Bartender asks, “You got any ID?”
Texan says, “About what?”
A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
A dog walks into a bar with a huge bandage all over his right forefoot. The bartender says, “What’s with the bandage?”
Dog says, “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
A hamburger and a taco walked into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry. We don’t serve food here.”
A magician was walking down the street and turned into a drugstore.
Did you hear about the baby snow seal that walked into a club?
Two guitarists walked into a heavy metal bar. The third one ducked.
Two cannibals were eating a clown and one says to the other, “You think this tastes funny?”
Hear about the cannibal that was ate before he was seven?
Hear about the cannibal that passed his brother in the forest?
A polar bear walks into a bar and says, “I’d like to order a...
Bartender says, “Why the big paws?”
That looks so much like Lazamataz...
20 lemmings walk into a bar. Ouch! Ouch! Oof! Ow! Ouch! Dang! Ouch! Ouch! Owey! Ouch! Ouch! Ow! Ouch! Off! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ow! Ouch!
A dyslexic walks into a bra.
A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar. Bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
A duck walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey buddy...you pants are down.”
A rabbi, a priest and Barack Obama walk into a bar. Bartender says, “What is this? Some kind of joke?”
An Irishman walks by a bar...
A wedding guest walks up to the bar and asks, “Hey, is this the punch line?”
Two cannibals find a missionary and decide they’re going to split eating him. They decide the best way is for one to start at the head and the other to start at the feet and meet in the middle. So, they cook him up and start eating. The cannibal who started eating at the head is really enjoying his meal. He asks the other cannibal if he’s enjoying his meal, too. The other cannibal says, “yes, I’m having a ball.” The first cannibal says, “Wait, you’re eating too fast.”
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
And that’s how the fight started.....
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have Sex?’
‘No,’ she answered. I then said,
‘Is that your final answer?’
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s when the fight started...
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
“Nah, she can order for herself.”
And that’s when the fight started.....
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging hisdrink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, “Do you know him?”
“Yes”, she sighed,
“He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear hehasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
And then the fight started...
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should
get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewingscissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, “What’s on TV?”
I said, “Dust.”
And then the fight started...
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat to the van and proceeded to back out into a
torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there
My loving wife of 5 years replied, “And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”
And that’s how the fight started...
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.”
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.’
And then the fight started...
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
I replied, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
And then the fight started........
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said ‘I am NOT Happy!’
So I said, ‘Well, which one ARE you then?’
That’s how the fight started.
Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar. Bartender says “Those horse-face jokes are mean and insensitive. What’ll you have?”
A man walks into a bar owned by horses. The horse bartender says, “Hey, why the short face?”
A man from New England meets a Texan in a bar in Texas. The Texan asks, “Did you go to a Texas school?” The Yankee says, “Yale.” The Texan says, “DID YOU GO TO A TEXAS SCHOOL?!!”
That is sick enough to be fun! LOL!
The lovely garden area at Vanderbilt Children’s Hospital would be a nice place to sit and eat lunch except it has BR fume vents blowing right next to the benches. Foul odors abound every few minutes.
My kids left home a long time ago, and as a result, all the recipes that were stored in my head got cobwebby with no use. Now, even though I remember how good a recipe tastes when it’s made, I have to look it up.
A Southern girl and a Yankee girl are at a college party. The Southern girl decides to strike up a conversation and asks the Yankee girl, “So, where are you from?”
“Someplace where we know not to end a sentence with a preposition,” the Yankee girl replies haughtily.
“Okay,” drawls the Southern girl. “Where are you from, bitch?”
My Favorite Movie - Do this - It is great
Not just another email. Really do it. You will be surprised.
It really works
Pick a number from 1-9.
Multiply by 3.
Multiply by 3 again.
Now add the two digits of your answer together to find your favorite movie in the list of 18 movies below.
1. Gone With The Wind
2. E. T.
3. Blazing Saddles
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
9. The Obama farewell speech of 2012
11. Jurassic Park
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story
Now, ain’t that something?
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly
behaved 3 year-old grandson.
It’s obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child
screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and
for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled
voice, “Easy, William, we won’t be long .... easy, boy.”
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, “It’s okay,
William, just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart,
and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, “William, William, relax
buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William.”
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is
loading his groceries and the boy into the car.
She said to the elderly gentleman , “It’s none of my business, but you
were amazing in there.. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time, you
kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just
calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa.”
“Thanks,” said the grandfather, “but I’m William, the little bustard’s
name is Paul.”
The makers of Nut-N-Honey cereal developed a new marketing program for a similar cereal focused on the “urban” market.
The new name:
Time slipped by and I realized my oil change appointment was but 10 minutes away.
I jumped in the car and arrived just in time.
The grocery store is only a few hundred feet away so I walked over and picked up a few items.
Twenty minutes or so had passed by so I headed back and sure enough, the car was ready.
Upon arriving home I figured out why people were looking at me funny.
Re the bottom photo...EWWWW! THE LAMPREY EEL STRIKES AGAIN!!!
They’ve also come out with a variant that they’re pitching to men who suffer erectile dysfunction.
It’s called Nut ‘n Raisin.
That one reminds me more of an angry baboon...
HAHA!! I want that shirt!
It would be a hoot wearing it around Tokyo just to see the Japanese girls reading it and trying to figure it out.
These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:
1. “You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.”
2. “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”
3. “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.” (My Favorite)
4. “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
5. “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.” (LOVE IT)
6. “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”
7. “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”
8. “Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”
9. “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”
10. “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.”
11. “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”
12. “In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC.” ( National Crime Information Center )
13. “Just how big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?”
14. “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”
15. “I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”
AND THE WINNER IS....
16. “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.”
That zero-ice cream animation is super-creepy!
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