Skip to comments.Need advice: Friend marrying broke Muslim loser [vanity]
Posted on 11/10/2011 9:50:19 AM PST by Feline_AIDS
Short version: What's the tactful way to tell a friend she's marrying a loser, and should I bother?
Long version: A friend of mine, who is nominally a conservative Christian, is engaged to her liberal Muslim boyfriend of two years. At many points along the way, I dropped subtle hints about how unwise it is for a Christian to marry a non-Christian. I'm not sure why she started dating him in the first place, but I have three guesses from observing the relationship from the beginning. 1) He pursued her relentlessly. 2) He's more masculine than most of the other guys in her graduate program. 3) She desperately wants to be married and have kids.
Her family has objected to the relationship since day 1, and I've never been supportive either. I think everyone thought she would realize what a terrible idea he was and ditch him. Unfortunately, she's also pretty depressed and not receiving treatment. The depression started when they started dating.
This guy is the definition of a loser. He's been in a graduate program for the better part of a decade, has yet to even finish the first major milestone in that degree, and the end is nowhere in sight. They both are racking up debt like nobody's business, too. He can and does pontificate on liberal talking points and Islamic apologetics. He has few friends because he is an insufferable loud-talker who must always be right.
She basically broke her father's heart when she started dating this guy, so becoming engaged must have just ripped her old man's heart right out of his chest. I'm pretty sure that once they get married, the Muslim will want to move away from her family, because I can't imagine him hanging around where he's disliked.
He's the kind of Muslim who feels allegiance to Islam over his American citizenship in a political, principled way that has nothing to do with religion and everything to do with "identity." In my mind, he's the kind of guy who would radicalize because of some "injustice" somewhere, try to force his wife to convert, and saw her head off with a dull knife if she protested. The closest I ever came to telling her to run, not walk, away from this guy was when I said I worried he'd turn her into a liberal or Muslim, which she assured me would never be the case.
So how do I tell my friend that she should ditch this guy, go see a therapist or doctor, punch herself in the face for ever entertaining such a stupid idea as marrying this fool, and then for the rest of her life listen to her parents when they disapprove of a big life decision she's making, because they're probably right? I don't think any of her other friends have ever said anything negative or cautionary about this guy.
Pros of saying something:
-Friend might not go through a terrible divorce or
-Friend might not go through a terrible beheading
-It's the right thing to do, I think
-Will likely worsen her depression
-Will certainly complicate if not ruin our friendship
Truthfully, there is probably nothing you can say or do.
Even after the first few times he “corrects” her with a fist to the mouth, she won’t listen.
Sometimes “victims” are willing participants.
There was an article just this week on FR about them not being able to say the name of their mother. Does she want he children to never say her name? How is that love?
Also, she needs to understand to forget about ever having a Christmas tree and presents for the children. Forget about ever going home for family Christmas. No hiding Easter eggs for them at home and having to make her children sit out while classmates have egg hunts. Forget about birthdays for her children. And pray her daughters never get a Valentines card at school from a boy or have a boy lab partner. Forget helping her daughters to pick out a prom dress or sit up waiting for them to come home after a date.
Is he from here? If not give her the book “Not without my daughter”.
Typical. They always do.
They go back to Iran for a visit and, to her horror, he tells her he's decided to stay there and -- guess what? -- she has no rights. If she wants to leave, she has to leave her daughter behind. But if she stays, she has to live by Islamic law, under which women are subservient; she may be subject to beatings and a slave-like existence...
Revision (approved by CAIR):
They go back to Iran for a visit and, to her horror, he tells her he's decided to stay there. If she wants to leave, she must leave her daughter behind. If she stays, Betty must live in a culture vastly different and, she believes, very dangerous.
Amazon apologizes saying "It is certainly not our intention to malign anyone's religious faith."
My neighbor is a Muslim married to a Christian woman. He is a wonderful man who has Westernized daughters and loves my dog. But he is a Berber not an Arab. The Berbers are said to be good people.
Sally Field was threatened with death when this movie was released. It was not too long after the Salmon Rushdie ordeal.
I used to think that growing up in a Christain home would make one a more Godly person, but I have personal experiences with relationships over the years that prove otherwise.
The healing power of Jesus through the work of the Holy Sprirt can transform anyone. The most Godly woman I know is my best friend’s wife, and she did NOT come from a Christian home.
Tell her. Girl who does my nails (yes, I am a girlie-girl) married a Muslim. She finally was able to get out of the marriage but her self confidence was shot. Belittling at every turn, excluded her from interacting with his Muslim friends yet resented her other friendships, made her change her cooking and cleaning methods, brought his family over for weeks at a time where they made her feel a stranger in her own home, his money was not hers - she was forced to work for anything she wanted, he kept a Muslim girlfriend on the side and after the divorce she found out about his diverting more funds and that he already had planned to bring another woman over from his homeland and set her up in an apartment. Get her the hell out.
Yes--it is a very disturbing story.
Yes--it is a very disturbing story.
The other fine people here have covered the muzzie angle very well...and it might be too abstract or “out there” for her to believe.
*Might be* closer-to-home to get her to realize
she is in an abusive relationship:
“Once while drunk, he yelled at her about how badly he wanted to kill her.
Then, naturally, he cried and apologized the next day and she accepted it.”
Abusers offer crumbs (ego kibbles) after episodes to keep their victim(s). It also is a way to keep the victim off-balance (with the back-and-forth ping-ponging) which is necessary for the abuser.
Why isn’t she getting counseling for her depression? Does she deny she’s depressed?
Also, intertwined with this train wreck is her co-dependency. I know alot of people who have been helped tremendously by this book:
(but usually AFTER the damage...sigh)
Sussing out the family source of her low self esteem might help in eliminating that person from any planned ‘intervention’ - which I agree with.
In this case, being a muz is an ADVANTAGE, because the notified authorities will take that much more interest.
I see this as trying to save your friend’s life.
For you, I don’t see a downside to doing all this stuff beforehand. I worry about the drama-quotient in your life, being attacked YOURSELF, for instance...for “daring” to mess with (protect) HIS possession. So, if you “lose” the friendship for trying...God’s will I suppose, to protect YOU. (Unless you relish the idea of 3am calls, door knocks in the middle of the night, trips to the jail - or morgue...no kidding)
Do all you can do, then detach.
What would a real friend do? That thing parents do — speak the Truth, expect them not to listen, but expect them to hear your words, somewhere deep inside, and know that one day those words of Truth you spoke will set them free.
The thing I’ve seen in these marriages is that the Muslim husband eventually takes/ tries to take the children to his sand-pounding country and the wife can never get her children back. That is what I’d be most concerned with. Besides the obvious.
If you think he’ll try to get her away from her family, then he will also get her away from her friends...you included. So, I wouldn’t worry about saying something that would jeopardize your friendship, he’s probably going to ruin your friendship anyway.
How about just confronting her with the facts of him being a loser, without bringing his religion into it? You wouldn’t want her marrying this loser guy whatever his religion or ethnicity, so don’t allow his being muslim to cloud the fact that he bad news.
Maybe her family can do an intervention and get her some therapy for her depression which might help her see this guy more clearly and what her future might look like with him & without him.
Um....tell her that “her” children won’t be “hers”.
Give her a copy of “Not Without My Daughter”.
By all means tell her she is making a HUGE mistake. Have her think about any children she may have. He will insist they be raised Muslim. I have a friend who married a muslim and he changed into a monster as soon as they were married, took their kids to the middle east, etc. She had to live as a muslim for years then just could not take it anymore.
You will have to tell her the truth, even if it destroys your relationship. The Biblical approach is that once you have lovingly pointed out the sin in this, the onus is upon the other person to accept or reject you and your message. You are not responsible for the outcome.
If, however, you do NOT discuss this with her, and her life is destroyed because of it, your ARE responsible.
I have been in that position, and it is abysmally difficult, so I am not being insensitive to your plight. If she goes through with this, the muslim boyfriend will remove her from your fellowship (that’s what they do...isolate and dominate), so you will lose her either way.
I agree with the poster who said “Offer her a place of Refuge”. That is the MOST Christian Thing you can do, AFTER you have told her that what she is doing may kill her body as well as her soul.
So where does that leave me? I’m a convert. :(
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