Free Republic
Browse · Search
General/Chat
Topics · Post Article

Skip to comments.

(-:(-:(-:THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD:-):-):-)

Posted on 12/02/2011 4:49:32 AM PST by Lucky9teen

How many are done with their Christmas shopping?


In a small southern town, she saw a 'Nativity Scene' that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it.

One small feature bothered her: The three wise men were all wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, she left. At a quickie mart on the edge of town, she asked the gentleman behind the counter about the helmets.

He exploded into a rage, yelling at her, 'You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!'

She assured him that indeed she did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible's baby Jesus story.

He jerked his Bible from behind the counter, ruffled thru some pages, and finally jabbed his finger at a passage. Sticking it in her face he said: 'See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from 'afar''.


'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?

His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.

And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!?

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.

And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows:
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.

Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.

His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.

So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...

"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."


Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.

Rule #1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. Bye-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6: Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.

Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule #8: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. NAPA Auto Parts and Sear's Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")

Rule #11: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #12: Tickets to a Red Wing/Lions/Pistons/Tigers game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule #13: Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chain saw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #14: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #15: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manilla rope. No one knows why.



One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said...........



”OK, Monica, you're free to go."
 



TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: holiday; ofst; shopping; silliness





1 posted on 12/02/2011 4:49:34 AM PST by Lucky9teen
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | View Replies]

To: 2111USMC; 21stCenturion; 2ndDivisionVet; 3AngelaD; 4mycountry; 5Madman2; 66-442hot; 6amgelsmama; ...

Let me get you a cart

FOR


CLICK HERE TO BE INCLUDED OR TAKEN OFF THE LIST



2 posted on 12/02/2011 4:51:58 AM PST by Lucky9teen (Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading.~Thomas Jeffer)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Lucky9teen

In early?


3 posted on 12/02/2011 5:03:45 AM PST by CPOSharky (The only thing straight, white, Christian males get is the blame for everything.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Lucky9teen

IBTP!!!!


4 posted on 12/02/2011 5:06:10 AM PST by justlurking (The only remedy for a bad guy with a gun is a good WOMAN (Sgt. Kimberly Munley) with a gun)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Lucky9teen

Top 5


5 posted on 12/02/2011 5:06:31 AM PST by Dacula (When life gives you lemons, make apple juice and have people wonder how the hell you did it.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Lucky9teen
Photobucket
6 posted on 12/02/2011 5:08:19 AM PST by RetSignman (It's Fall...the "Goebbles Warmers" are packing their bags , migrating for their winter caves.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Lucky9teen

Happy Friday!


7 posted on 12/02/2011 5:11:56 AM PST by PBRSTREETGANG
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Lucky9teen

Top Ten?


8 posted on 12/02/2011 5:12:02 AM PST by Disambiguator
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 2 | View Replies]

To: Lucky9teen
Very early today, Lucky!

WooHoo!! It' Friday!!!

9 posted on 12/02/2011 5:12:38 AM PST by ShadowAce (Linux -- The Ultimate Windows Service Pack)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Lucky9teen
TOP TWENTY!!!!

GO COWBOYS!

That's Oklahoma State, not Dallas!

10 posted on 12/02/2011 5:19:31 AM PST by Rummyfan (Iraq: it's not about Iraq anymore, it's about the USA!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Lucky9teen

Top 10


11 posted on 12/02/2011 5:19:59 AM PST by verga (I am not an apologist, I just play one on television.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: verga

“One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies. “

I would remove this. O’Reilly might think FReepers want Obama to die and he will do a full segment of on the radicalism of the right.


12 posted on 12/02/2011 5:27:42 AM PST by EQAndyBuzz (To fix government, we need a rocket scientist. Oh, wait we have one!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 11 | View Replies]

To: Lucky9teen

http://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/lXKDu6cdXLI?rel=0


13 posted on 12/02/2011 5:31:47 AM PST by ErnBatavia (Obama Voters: Jose Baez wants YOU for his next jury pool.......)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Lucky9teen

14 posted on 12/02/2011 5:37:36 AM PST by dead (I've got my eye out for Mullah Omar.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Lucky9teen
Photobucket
15 posted on 12/02/2011 5:54:22 AM PST by stylecouncilor (Some minds are like soup in a poor restaurant...better left unstirred.-PG Wodehouse)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Lucky9teen

Top 20!?!


16 posted on 12/02/2011 6:11:53 AM PST by dayglored (Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Rummyfan
I guess I will reluctantly pull for the Cowboys as I loathe hearing “Boomer Sooner” played 549 times per game. You saw where Mike Sherman will never make it to the Promised Land (SEC) as A&M fired him. Guns up!
17 posted on 12/02/2011 6:25:56 AM PST by crusty old prospector
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 10 | View Replies]

To: Lucky9teen

TOP 20, WOOT!


18 posted on 12/02/2011 6:30:12 AM PST by OB1kNOb (The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and pay the penalty. - Prov 22:3)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Lucky9teen

Caution !! Language alert

Achmed the Dead Terrorist Has a Son - Jeff Dunham - Controlled Chaos
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IL357BrwK7c&feature=channel_video_title


19 posted on 12/02/2011 6:42:11 AM PST by Arrowhead1952 (Dear God, thanks for the rain, but please let it rain more in Texas. Amen.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Lucky9teen

WOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOO TGIF!!!!


20 posted on 12/02/2011 6:45:54 AM PST by Currentriverrat (People are calling our President the Fresh Prince of Bill Ayers, that's not allowed is it?)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Lucky9teen
I found this sale item on the walmart.com website a few years ago. I had to made a screencap:
==

WMT WebAd, Not sold online; not sold in stores.

==


21 posted on 12/02/2011 6:49:56 AM PST by TomGuy
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Lucky9teen

Ted Nugent
How Deer Think

Deer Hunting Story...even if you don’t care about hunting...Gotta Love Ted!
Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being interviewed by a liberal journalist, an animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer hunting. The journalist asked, ‘What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, ‘Are you my friend?’ or is it ‘Are you the one who killed my brother?
Nugent replied, ‘Deer aren’t capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the Democrats in Congress.’


22 posted on 12/02/2011 6:52:58 AM PST by mojitojoe (SCOTUS.... think about that when you decide to sit home and pout because your candidate didn't win)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 2 | View Replies]

To: Lucky9teen

that guy has to go through three pair of shoes a week


23 posted on 12/02/2011 6:57:49 AM PST by Doogle ((USAF.68-73..8th TFW Ubon Thailand..never store a threat you should have eliminated))
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 2 | View Replies]

To: mojitojoe
‘What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, ‘Are you my friend?’ or is it ‘Are you the one who killed my brother?

lol.. reminds me of HHGTTG..

The Book: It is important to note that suddenly, and against all probability, a Sperm Whale had been called into existence, several miles above the surface of an alien planet and since this is not a naturally tenable position for a whale, this innocent creature had very little time to come to terms with its identity. This is what it thought, as it fell:
The Whale: Ahhh! Woooh! What's happening? Who am I? Why am I here? What's my purpose in life? What do I mean by who am I? Okay okay, calm down calm down get a grip now. Ooh, this is an interesting sensation. What is it? Its a sort of tingling in my... well I suppose I better start finding names for things. Lets call it a... tail! Yeah! Tail! And hey, what's this roaring sound, whooshing past what I'm suddenly gonna call my head? Wind! Is that a good name? It'll do. Yeah, this is really exciting. I'm dizzy with anticipation! Or is it the wind? There's an awful lot of that now isn't it? And what's this thing coming toward me very fast? So big and flat and round, it needs a big wide sounding name like 'Ow', 'Ownge', 'Round', 'Ground'! That's it! Ground! Ha! I wonder if it'll be friends with me? Hello Ground!
*SPLAT!*
24 posted on 12/02/2011 7:17:23 AM PST by absolootezer0 (2x divorced tattooed pierced harley hatin meghan mccain luvin' REAL beer drinkin' smoker ..what?)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 22 | View Replies]

To: Lucky9teen

25 posted on 12/02/2011 7:44:18 AM PST by martin_fierro (< |:)~)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: mojitojoe

Interviewer: What’s the last thing that goes through that deer’s mind?

Ted: My arrow.


26 posted on 12/02/2011 7:50:09 AM PST by ZirconEncrustedTweezers (I've tried to think like a liberal, but I can't get my head far enough up my behind...)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 22 | View Replies]

To: Lucky9teen

santa

Cat and Santa

27 posted on 12/02/2011 7:55:27 AM PST by dragonblustar (Allah Ain't So Akbar!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 2 | View Replies]

To: TomGuy

28 posted on 12/02/2011 7:59:50 AM PST by Lucky9teen (Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading.~Thomas Jeffer)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 21 | View Replies]

To: dragonblustar

29 posted on 12/02/2011 8:02:04 AM PST by Lucky9teen (Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading.~Thomas Jeffer)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 27 | View Replies]

To: ZirconEncrustedTweezers
Can't wait for the snow...

30 posted on 12/02/2011 8:03:09 AM PST by Lucky9teen (Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading.~Thomas Jeffer)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 26 | View Replies]

To: martin_fierro

31 posted on 12/02/2011 8:08:40 AM PST by Lucky9teen (Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading.~Thomas Jeffer)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 25 | View Replies]

To: absolootezer0

32 posted on 12/02/2011 8:10:04 AM PST by Lucky9teen (Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading.~Thomas Jeffer)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 24 | View Replies]

To: Lucky9teen

Last weekend, as is our family tradition, we put up the Christmas decorations. After years of having to troubleshoot and fix the outside lights, last year I replaced them with LED lights. I thought that all the trouble was over.

So this year, I just stretched them out, connected them together, and hung them on the house.

I plugged them in, and three strings are dead.


33 posted on 12/02/2011 8:46:14 AM PST by fredhead (I'm not sleeping, I'm checking my eyelids for cracks.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 31 | View Replies]

To: Lucky9teen

34 posted on 12/02/2011 8:49:40 AM PST by Lazlo in PA (Now living in a newly minted Red State.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Lucky9teen

I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend

“That’s us in 10 years”.

He said “That’s a mirror, dip-sh!t!
______

When you’re from the country, your perception is a little different.......

An Iowa farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor’s, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door

“Is your Dad home?”

“No sir, he isn’t; he went to town.”

“Well, is your Mother here?”

“No sir, she went to town with Dad.”

“How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”

“No sir, He went with Mom and Dad.”

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

“Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message.”

“Well,” said the rancher uncomfortably, “I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It’s about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant.”’

The boy thought for a moment. “You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don’t know how much he charges for Howard.”


35 posted on 12/02/2011 8:53:13 AM PST by motivated
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Lucky9teen

36 posted on 12/02/2011 8:54:32 AM PST by motivated
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Lucky9teen

santa!

LOL.

Photobucket

37 posted on 12/02/2011 9:14:59 AM PST by dragonblustar (Allah Ain't So Akbar!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 29 | View Replies]

To: dragonblustar

38 posted on 12/02/2011 9:47:15 AM PST by Lucky9teen (Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading.~Thomas Jeffer)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 37 | View Replies]

To: Lucky9teen

Mr. C pities the fool...


39 posted on 12/02/2011 9:56:50 AM PST by ZirconEncrustedTweezers (I've tried to think like a liberal, but I can't get my head far enough up my behind...)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 38 | View Replies]

To: fredhead
I plugged them in, and three strings are dead.

See there? As advertised, those LEDs are saving energy. You can thank Algore.

40 posted on 12/02/2011 11:31:11 AM PST by Living Free in NH
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 33 | View Replies]

To: All
santa fail Pictures, Images and Photos
41 posted on 12/02/2011 11:32:13 AM PST by Squidpup ("Fight the Good Fight")
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 39 | View Replies]

To: Lucky9teen
Santa Dreidel Fail Pictures, Images and Photos
42 posted on 12/02/2011 11:34:14 AM PST by Squidpup ("Fight the Good Fight")
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: dragonblustar

43 posted on 12/02/2011 1:10:04 PM PST by BenLurkin (This is not a statement of fact. It is either opinion or satire; or both)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 27 | View Replies]

To: Lucky9teen

good morning ..... finally


44 posted on 12/02/2011 2:55:35 PM PST by InvisibleChurch ( go in peace , serve the Lord)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 2 | View Replies]

To: Lucky9teen

45 posted on 12/02/2011 5:29:49 PM PST by BenLurkin (This is not a statement of fact. It is either opinion or satire; or both)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Lucky9teen
I sent that picture to Hubby, and he sent me a picture of Amish Christmas lights:



Just thought I'd share.
46 posted on 12/02/2011 9:05:52 PM PST by TheOldLady (FReepmail me to get ON or OFF the ZOT LIGHTNING ping list)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 31 | View Replies]

To: Lucky9teen
As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Why? Because if he has 17 of them, at least one is bound to be charged up and ready to use when he needs it.

47 posted on 12/02/2011 9:08:31 PM PST by TheOldLady (FReepmail me to get ON or OFF the ZOT LIGHTNING ping list)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Lucky9teen

48 posted on 12/03/2011 12:07:08 PM PST by Pride_of_the_Bluegrass
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Lucky9teen

49 posted on 12/03/2011 12:09:55 PM PST by Pride_of_the_Bluegrass
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Lucky9teen

50 posted on 12/03/2011 12:13:02 PM PST by Pride_of_the_Bluegrass
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.

Free Republic
Browse · Search
General/Chat
Topics · Post Article

FreeRepublic, LLC, PO BOX 9771, FRESNO, CA 93794
FreeRepublic.com is powered by software copyright 2000-2008 John Robinson