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The 8 Simple Rules for Marrying My Daughter
Creators.com | Unknown | W. Bruce Cameron

Posted on 03/15/2012 9:29:59 AM PDT by Altariel

Having a teenage daughter is a bit like living in the middle of a zombie movie. There will be a knock on the door, and when you open it you'll find standing there a smelly, unwashed, slack-faced male wearing ill-fitting clothes and wanting to take your daughter on a date. When she appears from where she has been shoveling on her makeup, he'll regard her with that zombie-hunger in his eyes.

Your natural impulse is to get rid of this one, but doing so doesn't improve things: There are others out there, a whole zombie army, shambling and moaning toward your home.

And what's really discouraging is that this is just the opening skirmish. As time passes, the zombies become more cunning. They learn how to penetrate your defenses, offering to help you around the house, disarming you with their seeming willingness to respect you. And then suddenly, one of them wants to marry your daughter, and you realize that you were lulled into a false sense of security.

Before this happens to you, I suggest you post these 8 Simple Rules to your front door, for all the zombies to read and heed.

Rule No. 1: If you neglected to ask my permission before you proposed to my daughter, don't worry about it. You can make it up to me by making sure your wedding is both beautiful and to a different woman.

Rule No. 2: There are many, many men your age in this world, but there is only one woman who is my daughter. She is unique. You, on the other hand, can be replaced at any time.

Rule No. 3: It has been my job all my life to make my daughter happy. Now it will be your job. My job will be to make sure you do your job. And don't think that just because my daughter has picked you it means you meet my personal standards for what is good for her. I haven't made up my mind yet and will be evaluating you over a time period known as "forever."

Rule No. 4: You may be wondering how to address me: "Dad"? "Bruce"? "Mr. Cameron"? Let's end the awkwardness. For the time being, I suggest you stick with "sir." Sample phrases to help you become accustomed to this term: "May I wash your car for you today, sir?" "Are there any tasks that I can do around the house while you watch the ballgame, sir?" "Is there anything I can do to make your life better, sir?"

Rule No. 5: Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that any man who wishes to marry my daughter should have a good job and a successful career. I'm not saying you need to be the sole source of income, but I am saying if you don't take care of my daughter, I will take care of you.

Rule No. 6: You do not have a legal contract with my daughter — she can break off the engagement if she wants and there is nothing you can do about it except change your name and move out of the country. The same goes for you: I would not want you marrying my daughter if you do not truly feel you are the right man for her, nor, if you break it off, would I want you marrying anybody else. Ever.

Rule No. 7: You may, in a very male episode of last-minute panic, decide that you need to sow some wild oats right before the wedding. Let's define our roles: If you are the sower, I will be your reaper.

Rule No. 8: The vows you will be taking commit you to be faithful to my daughter "'til death do you part." Be advised if you break your vows, I'll immediately exercise the second part of the contract.

Naturally, there's more to the whole equation than just what I've got here. These rules are excerpted from my new book, "8 Simple Rules for Marrying My Daughter" (Fireside, April 2008). If you've got a daughter, I suggest you pick up a copy before the zombies breach your defenses.

To write Bruce Cameron, visit his Website at www.wbrucecameron.com. To find out more about Bruce Cameron and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.


TOPICS: Miscellaneous
KEYWORDS: daughters; fathers; humor; marriage
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1 posted on 03/15/2012 9:30:07 AM PDT by Altariel
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To: Altariel

Source Link: http://www.creators.com/lifestylefeatures/humor/bruce-cameron/the-8-simple-rules-for-marrying-my-daughter.html


2 posted on 03/15/2012 9:31:22 AM PDT by Altariel ("Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!")
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To: Altariel

Great rules: but they mean absolutely NOTHING to most of the ‘daughters’ I see out an about these days.


3 posted on 03/15/2012 9:31:31 AM PDT by Baynative (Please check this out - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fFIcZkEzc8I)
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To: Altariel

I have one simple rule,”If you make her cry,I’ll make you cry.”


4 posted on 03/15/2012 9:33:24 AM PDT by Farmer Dean (stop worrying about what they want to do to you,start thinking about what you want to do to them)
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To: Altariel

He missed a classic rule:

“You hurt her, I hurt you.”


5 posted on 03/15/2012 9:33:24 AM PDT by freedumb2003 (Spoiler Alert! The secret to Terra Nova: THEY ARE ALL DEAD!!!)
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To: Altariel

Iffin I had me a daughter I’d be happy if the kid who showed up at my door wasn’t wearing an Obama shirt and didn’t have 20 lbs of metal hanging out of his face. (if he’s a good kid I could live with the metal)


6 posted on 03/15/2012 9:35:18 AM PDT by cripplecreek (What does it profit a man if he gains the whole world but loses his soul?)
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To: Altariel

Love Rule Number 8.


7 posted on 03/15/2012 9:35:36 AM PDT by dfwgator (Don't wake up in a roadside ditch. Get rid of Romney.)
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To: Altariel

A very good description of the parade of horrifying male creatures that my daughter brought home when she was in high school.

Thankfully, none of them stuck around long. She is now happily married to a former Army soldier and raising two beautiful kids.

Now her husband will have to deal with the zombies in a few years. Hehe.


8 posted on 03/15/2012 9:36:09 AM PDT by SandyInSeattle (Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface)
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To: Altariel

Many married men, after about 10 years of bitching, consider “Till Death Do Us Part” to be a goal, rather than a commitment.

:)


9 posted on 03/15/2012 9:37:47 AM PDT by MindBender26 (New Army SF and Ranger Slogan: Vengeance is Mine, sayeth the Lord.... but He subcontracts!)
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To: freedumb2003
“You hurt her, I hurt you.”

I knew from the start that my hubby would never be inclined to 'lay hands' on me in that fashion; it's one of the many reasons I chose him. But he was quite aware that he wouldn't have to wait for my Daddy, or my brothers, or anyone else to put the hurt on him; he knew I'd be quite capable of doing that myself. ;o)

10 posted on 03/15/2012 9:39:26 AM PDT by SuziQ
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To: Altariel

A daughter is my worse fear in life. I’m very fortunate to have two sons, I only have to worry about 2 dicks, not every dick in the neighbourhood.


11 posted on 03/15/2012 9:40:11 AM PDT by yank in the UK ( A liberal mocking Christianity. I asked "why don't you mock Islam?" he replied "Muslims are violent)
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To: All

Nice list, but where is the list about being a good and faithul womern to our sons?


12 posted on 03/15/2012 9:40:32 AM PDT by Maverick68
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To: Altariel

This is by far my favorite iteration (Heh, I found that I posted a new thread with it back in 2004 on FR when I searched on Google)

Rules of dating a Drill Instructors daughter

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. On issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.


13 posted on 03/15/2012 9:42:01 AM PDT by rlmorel (A knife in the chest from a unapologetic liberal is preferable to a knife in the back from a RINO.)
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To: Altariel

“Son... I’ve got a .45, a shovel, and 20 acres out back. I doubt you’ll be missed.”


14 posted on 03/15/2012 9:43:20 AM PDT by andy58-in-nh (America does not need to be organized: it needs to be liberated.)
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To: Maverick68

“Nice list, but where is the list about being a good and faithul womern to our sons?”

Yeah, when I read posts like this I wonder why the originator wouldn’t have the same list for their sons?? It’s like, “Treat my daughter great, but I don’t give a cr@p about how you treat my son.”

Sheesh.


15 posted on 03/15/2012 9:45:15 AM PDT by Reddy (B.O. stinks)
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To: Altariel
Our daughter is the youngest in the family (in high school now) and any boy that wants to date her has my sons, their wives, my grandkids, my wife, my parents, my siblings, their spouses, their kids, etc. to get through besides me :o).

In all seriousness, the boy she likes and spends time with is a real good kid and gets along with my boys and me real well.

16 posted on 03/15/2012 9:45:48 AM PDT by Troublemaker
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To: Altariel

bookmark


17 posted on 03/15/2012 9:49:33 AM PDT by DFG
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To: Altariel

My FIL took me aside and quietly told me, “If you hurt her, I’ll have you killed”. I do believe meant it.


18 posted on 03/15/2012 9:49:51 AM PDT by Haiku Guy ("The problem with Internet Quotes is that you never know if they are real" -- Abraham Lincoln)
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To: rlmorel

ROTFLMAO!

BOOYEAH! Printing this out now for use when my son turns 16 and my daughter 20. She will not be dating before that time. Not unless I am driving of course.


19 posted on 03/15/2012 9:50:41 AM PDT by Danae (Anail nathrach, ortha bhais is beatha, do cheal deanaimh)
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To: Farmer Dean

There is always the old standby: “I got no problem going back to Prison!”


20 posted on 03/15/2012 9:52:58 AM PDT by Gaffer
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To: Altariel

#5 is my absolute favorite but it is shocking that the bar has gotten so low that we need to actually insist that men gets real jobs.


21 posted on 03/15/2012 9:53:16 AM PDT by greywar
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To: Altariel

My suggestion to guys looking for dates is if her father is this type of guy, go ahead and move on. You really dont want an insecure drama queen for a father in law.


22 posted on 03/15/2012 9:53:24 AM PDT by Raider Sam (They're on our left, right, front, and back. They aint gettin away this time!)
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To: Altariel
We will be adding our first son to our family soon. As parents of three daughters, we were constantly barraged with the question of "will you try for a boy???"

Our answer was always, "the boys will come soon enough...we will let our girls do the choosing."

Well, daughter number one has chosen--her boyfriend came over this past week and asked for our blessing to propose to our daughter.

She chose well - at 22, he has a great job, owns a duplex, and is a wonderful, young man with a strong faith. One down...two to go!

23 posted on 03/15/2012 9:54:08 AM PDT by Mygirlsmom (Who you gonna believe on the economy? Obama or your own lying wallet?)
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To: Maverick68

A happy woman does not stray. An honorable woman doesn’t stray. An honest woman doesn’t stray. It is NOT my fault if other idiots do not raise honorable children. I do. Because I do, I demand any guy that wants to date my daughter to live up to her. The same goes for my son, who will be raised with the expectation that the father of any girl he dates will feel just like this list says.


24 posted on 03/15/2012 9:56:35 AM PDT by Danae (Anail nathrach, ortha bhais is beatha, do cheal deanaimh)
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To: Haiku Guy

I told my son-in-law the same thing. Only I told him I would kill him.


25 posted on 03/15/2012 9:56:48 AM PDT by Gaffer
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To: Altariel
To quote a Blue Collar Tour dude, "I'm not afraid to go back to jail".

Too bad about Foxworthy's decision to back Mittens though.

26 posted on 03/15/2012 9:57:26 AM PDT by trebb ("If a man will not work, he should not eat" From 2 Thes 3)
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To: Troublemaker

I had a friend who came from a family of 10 boys and 2 girls. When a prospective suitor would arrive, the 10 boys had removed all the furniture except for 11 chairs. 10 on one side and one in the middle facing them.

It must have been hysterical.

That said, I have two girls. They are both over 18, but haven’t had the boy craziness. They are waiting to see what God has in store for them.

One daughter lives several states away, so I assume meet the parents means I’ll need to make a road trip.


27 posted on 03/15/2012 9:59:50 AM PDT by cyclotic (People who live within their means are increasingly being forced to pay for people who didn't.)
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To: Altariel

Rule #1 There is no mortal male good enough for my daughter.

Similar rules applied to my two sons. If you get a girl pregnant you WILL drop out of school and support your child. Then you can get your degree the hard way, on your dime and after school. So they did it the old fashoned way. Got married THEN had children.


28 posted on 03/15/2012 10:06:27 AM PDT by 70th Division (I love my country but fear my government!)
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To: Altariel
you open it you'll find standing there a smelly, unwashed, slack-faced male wearing ill-fitting clothes and wanting to take your daughter on a date

Which is exactly what the author's future father-in-law saw when he first showed up to date the mom of that beautiful daughter.

29 posted on 03/15/2012 10:06:48 AM PDT by Notary Sojac (A liberal, a conservative, and a moderate walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Hi. Mitt!!".)
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To: Raider Sam

My thoughts, too.


30 posted on 03/15/2012 10:08:45 AM PDT by FourPeas ("Maladjusted and wigging out is no way to go through life, son." -hg)
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To: andy58-in-nh

““Son... I’ve got a .45, a shovel, and 20 acres out back. I doubt you’ll be missed.””

Yes, you will be missed, you just won’t be found.


31 posted on 03/15/2012 10:11:22 AM PDT by EQAndyBuzz (Solyent Pink is Sheeple!!!!)
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To: Altariel
8 Simple rules for marrying your daughter.

1) I expect your daughter to be able to decide certain things without getting mommy and daddy involved. If I am to create a family of my own - you will be the extended family and hence have no veto or vote within mine.

2) There are many women in this world. Some without pompous, arrogant fathers. If I am to take your daughter as my own and become one with her, then by definition that excludes you.

3) You need a better job. Your daughter is responsible for her happiness. It is my hope that I will enhance and add to that joy of life with her and our children. I cannot make anyone happy but I will pray that the lord assists.

4) I will provide you the same respect and courtesy shown to me. I will use my manners out of RESPECT FOR MY WIFE but do not assume that it will continue if respect and courtesy is not returned.

5) I also expect that as a parent that you will not interfere and put unrealistic financial expectation on my household. I am not marrying a princess, I am marrying a partner. How we choose to execute that partnership is our business and please respect that. I don’t want to hear what you think she deserves or have resentment programmed into her as we make sacrifices starting our family.

6) Back at you. Once we are married we have a legal and spiritual contract and I expect you to honor it buy being supportive of your daughter.

7) Unfortunately in today's world, both sexes have issues with wild oats. Why don’t we both hope that this is not one of the many marriages that end in divorce or dysfunction caused by spouses being unfaithful. Cheating spouses come in both sexes unfortunately.

8) If in the event a divorce occurs, if you are one of those parents that encourages their daughter to destroy their former husband, father of the children and a part of the family for simple spite or greed or revenge or sport, then I promise you won’t have to go far to meet me - I will make you reap what you sow - That I swear!

How about this list for all the little princesses who want to get their hands on my fine SONS. They are great young men and if a meddling FIL gets in the way, GAME ON!

32 posted on 03/15/2012 10:11:22 AM PDT by Free_in_Alabama (The average citizen is too lazy to steal from you, instead they are asking the government to do it)
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To: MindBender26

“Many married men, after about 10 years of bitching, consider “Till Death Do Us Part” to be a goal, rather than a commitment.”

Amen


33 posted on 03/15/2012 10:12:27 AM PDT by BJ1
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To: Free_in_Alabama

A post after my own heart.......definitely the parent of a son


34 posted on 03/15/2012 10:17:11 AM PDT by Toespi
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To: EQAndyBuzz
LOL. That's right.

I myself have a 16-year old daughter who just happens to be gorgeous. I see the way the boys look at her (fortunately, she hasn't yet). and I know exactly what they're thinking 'cause I was a horny little pimple-faced creep once upon a time, too.

So, yeah, I do plan on being down in my workshop when she introduces me to her first date, and I do plan to be cleaning one of my AR-15s at the time. ;-)

35 posted on 03/15/2012 10:22:38 AM PDT by andy58-in-nh (America does not need to be organized: it needs to be liberated.)
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To: Altariel

Thank God those days are over for me. Out of five kids, one was a girl, and she married herself off to a career Navy guy who loves kids. They are a kid factory, both blood and adopted, and my wife and I couldn’t be more pleased. Our house fills up when they come to spend their summers here.


36 posted on 03/15/2012 10:23:59 AM PDT by pallis
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To: Free_in_Alabama

Thank you.


37 posted on 03/15/2012 10:32:51 AM PDT by FourPeas ("Maladjusted and wigging out is no way to go through life, son." -hg)
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To: Altariel

A friend of mine told me once what his to be father in law told him at their wedding reception...

“you ever decide, for whatever reason, don’t want her anymore, you bring her home... Don’t you dare hit her.”

I know it doesn’t have the eloquence or humor of other things posted, but I know if I was told that by my father in law, if I was any sort of decent human being that would stick like glue.


38 posted on 03/15/2012 10:33:20 AM PDT by HamiltonJay
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To: Altariel

Bookmarked! Thanks!


39 posted on 03/15/2012 10:34:24 AM PDT by cvq3842
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To: Altariel
This is nonsense.

Having a teenage daughter is a bit like living in the middle of a zombie movie. There will be a knock on the door, and when you open it you'll find standing there a smelly, unwashed, slack-faced male wearing ill-fitting clothes and wanting to take your daughter on a date. When she appears from where she has been shoveling on her makeup,

Why would I let her wear makeup or date? Ludicrous!
40 posted on 03/15/2012 10:34:35 AM PDT by TalonDJ
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To: Toespi

My sons are 18 and 16. The vast majority of the young women they deal with fall into 2 categories:

1) Morally challenged
2) Princess

My guess is most boys do also.

The challenge is to get the 2 sexes of the “none of the above” to meet and start families. Even with that it is very hard to have a good marriage. If the parents of either get too involved then its damn near impossible. I know the post is supposed to be humorous but I fear that my boys will end up with a princess more than the morally challenged.


41 posted on 03/15/2012 10:37:24 AM PDT by Free_in_Alabama (The average citizen is too lazy to steal from you, instead they are asking the government to do it)
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To: Free_in_Alabama

Preach it! I have sons as well who are stellar. Some little precious snowflake and her over-protective father are not going to mess with their lives.


42 posted on 03/15/2012 10:42:38 AM PDT by Michael Barnes (Obamaa+ Downgrade)
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To: Free_in_Alabama
My response to everyone of those is, “Turn and walk away now and you will avoid 230grains of sudden weight gain.”

I have weapons and retain the right to use them at anytime now or in the future to safeguard and improve the life of my daughter. You maybe marry her and I will graciously allow you to join mean in that duty. Doing this will not remove my 'veto option' now or ever. I already gave 18 to 20 years to give her a good life. I will gladly give another 20 to life if it is needed. I will give you the benifit of the doubt AFTER you have spent an equal amount of time devoted to her happiness and well being.

43 posted on 03/15/2012 10:49:27 AM PDT by TalonDJ
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To: Free_in_Alabama

Thank you! I didn’t appreciate the first list. How about I expect you to treat my daughter with respect and I in turned have taught her to treat you with respect and leave it at that.

On the other hand, we are raising our children for old fashioned courtship instead of the dating rat race. There is no need for my children to go out and sow any oats with anyone. When they are ready for marriage is the time to start looking for a partner not before.


44 posted on 03/15/2012 10:50:35 AM PDT by christianhomeschoolmommaof3
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To: Altariel

:-D


45 posted on 03/15/2012 10:58:15 AM PDT by skinkinthegrass (Simple: Kill the terrorists, Protect (all) the borders, ridicule all the (surviving) Liberals :^)
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To: Altariel

On the other side, we are presuming your daughter is attractive and you aren’t a pig? (Because you kind of sound like a pig.)


46 posted on 03/15/2012 10:58:15 AM PDT by righttackle44 (I may not be much, but I raised a United States Marine.)
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To: Free_in_Alabama

Parents of boys become their best cheerleaders. Raise them to be terrific men, excel in academics, great grades, good colleges. We are on their bench every day, rooting them on. They meet a princess and manipulative family and suddenly you are off the bench and kicked out of the game. Parents of boys are expected to suspend their love for their sons.


47 posted on 03/15/2012 10:59:52 AM PDT by Toespi
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To: Baynative

“Great rules: but they mean absolutely NOTHING to most of the ‘daughters’ I see out an about these days.”

Interesting that you mention that. I’ve been running into white girls in upper-middleclass neighborhoods who behave worse than “Laquisha”. I can forgive Laquisha because she was born into a very difficult situation and is doing what she can with the bad hand that was dealt her. The other girls, however, have had every advantage and are absolute trash.

If one of our sons brought any of the girls I’ve been seeing home, his mother would shoot him and bury him in the backyard....just as a warning to our other sons.


48 posted on 03/15/2012 10:59:55 AM PDT by achilles2000 ("I'll agree to save the whales as long as we can deport the liberals")
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To: TalonDJ
LOL - I don't want your daughter. I'm married and much too old. I worry my boys will have to deal with someone like you. All I can do is teach and pray. Maybe between the 2 it will work and they will make sure to walk away from princess Talon. Then again do you really want a sniveling coward or a “go to hell old man” to be the only ones that will be around Princess Talon. Reap what you sow big boy.

BTW - Since you sound so bad ass, maybe its best we don't meet in real life. That way you and your 230 grain friend can hide behind the keyboard.

49 posted on 03/15/2012 11:06:05 AM PDT by Free_in_Alabama (The average citizen is too lazy to steal from you, instead they are asking the government to do it)
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To: rlmorel

In response to rule #2, why don’t parents teach their daughters to dress in a way that they aren’t actually trying to tempt the boys to look where they shouldn’t. I see teenage girls everyday that have more breast showing than they have covered. You can see their stomachs and their cracks. Their g-string panties are visible above their jeans and there is skin showing between the panties and their jeans. In the summer, if they sit wrong in their ‘shorts’ you can see where the sun don’t shine.

My 12 year old daughter is physically mature for her age and very lovely. We are very careful about the way she dresses and have taught her to inspect herself in the mirror. If she can see down her shirt when she bends over in front of the mirror, then others will be able to see it too.

We have taught our 11 year old son to actually look away or straight in front of him. The assault on the purity of our young men is out of control. You can’t even walk in the mall without a 10 foot high picture of a mostly naked woman posing at you from inside the window of Victoria’s Secret. On another topic, not sure what her secret it is, she seems to have bared it all.

The responsibility lies with both sexes and for us to place the blame on one is just wrong.


50 posted on 03/15/2012 11:07:25 AM PDT by christianhomeschoolmommaof3
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