Skip to comments.(-:(-:(-:THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD:-):-):-)
Posted on 04/06/2012 6:02:05 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Be responsible for yourself!
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.
CBS, NBC, ABC and CNN show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? Kermit the Frog appears on MSNBC with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green." Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.
Democrat leaders, in every media outlet they can find, exclaim that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper and call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.
Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer! The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.
Hillary Clinton gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Barack Obama appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients. The ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Be careful how you vote in 2012.
The commanding officer at the Russian military academy (the equivalent
of a 4-star general in the U.S. ) gave a lecture on Potential Problems
and Military Strategy. At the end of the lecture, he asked if there
were any questions.
An officer stood up and asked, “Will there be a third world war? And,
will Russia take part in it?”
The general answered both questions in the affirmative.
Another officer asked, “Who will be the enemy?”
The general replied, “All indications point to China .”
Everyone in the audience was shocked.
A third officer remarked, “General, we are a nation of only 150
million, compared to the 1.5 billion Chinese. Can we win at all, or
The general answered, “Just think about this for a moment: In modern
warfare, it is not the quantity of soldiers that matters, but the
quality of an army’s capabilities. For example, in the Middle East we
have had a few wars recently where 5 million Jews fought against 150
million Arabs, and Israel was always victorious.”
After a small pause, yet another officer - from the back of the
“Do we have enough Jews?”
An older couple were lying in bed one night.
The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.”
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: “Then you used to kiss me. “ Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: “Then you used to bite my neck.”
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
“Where are you going?” she asked.
“To get my teeth!”
Older couple in their 80’s.
Wife is standing at the top of the stairs in a nightie and says to her husband: “Climb up these stairs and make mad passionate love to me !”
Husband says: “I can do one or the other”
Thank you. And, a Happy Resurrection Day Celebration to you.
An old couple is sitting on their front porch, gently rocking back and forth in their rocking chairs.
Suddenly the old woman smacks the man as hard as she can. He falls to the porch in a heap.
After several minutes of struggling to get back into his chair, he turns to her and asks “What the hell did you do that for?”
Peering over her reading glasses she replies “That’s for being a lousy lover all these years!”
They both begin rocking again. Suddenly he smacks her as hard as he can, knocking her from her chair. Looking up at him from the proch, she asks “What was THAT for?”
“That” he says “is for knowing the difference!”
Good thing I’m a widow and the late Igor never asked....
Husband watchin TV, wife comes in and asks “What's on TV? Husband says: “Dust” ...and that's how the fight started.
Friday date night husband walks in while wife is dressing and remarks: “Your panty hose are wrinkled” . Wife: “I'm not wearing panty hose” ...and that's how the fight started.
Wife: Last year, for my mom's birthday you got her a plot at the cemetery. This year you you didn't get her anything - why not ?”
Husband: “She hasn't used last year's gift.”...and that's how the fight started.
Since we seem to have a theme started...
A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, “Quick, bring me a beer before it starts.”
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, “Quick, bring me another beer. It’s gonna start soon.”
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, “Quick, another beer, it’s gonna start any second.”
“That’s it!” She blows her top, “You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don’t even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don’t you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?”
The husband sighed. “Oh crap, it’s started.
Perhaps a variation on the theme... (and one of my all time favorites)
A Chinese couple gets married, and she’s a virgin. Truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: “My daring,” he says, “I know dis you fus time and you berry frighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you wan, I do anyting jus anyting you wan, you say. Watchou wan?” he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride. A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, “I wan...numba 69.” More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries, “You wan...beef with brocceri?”
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
Smile at her,
Listen to her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her jewelry,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go to the end of the earth and back again for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked,
Life Lessons- author unknown:
Life is sexually transmitted
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection,
make him a sandwich.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the
Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
Some people are like a Slinky - not really good for anything, but you still
can’t help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut
saves you $30.00?
In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers—what you do today, might burn your
As someone recently said to me . . .
“Don’t worry about old age—it doesn’t last that long”.
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