Posted on 05/11/2012 5:53:26 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
Edited on 05/11/2012 11:30:03 AM PDT by Admin Moderator. [history]
Top 20? :=)
Top 20!
President Obama walks into the Bank of America to cash a check. As he approaches the cashier he says, “Good morning Ma’am, could you please cash this check for me?”
Cashier: “It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?”
Obama: “Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn’t think there was any need to. I am President Barack Obama, the President of the United States of AMERICA !!!!”
Cashier: “Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the Dodd/Frank legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID.”
Obama: “Just ask anyone here at the bank that I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am.”
Cashier: “I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them.”
Obama: “I am urging you, please, to cash this check.”
Cashier: “Look Mr. President, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check. Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his check. So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States ?”
Obama stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, “Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can’t think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do.”
Cashier: “Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?”
An oldie, but it’s still funny:
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog
chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out
line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant? So because I’m retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I
was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t,
because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50
pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming
out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way
that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and
simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is
nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it
again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was
now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog
food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a
poodle’s ass and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard.
Costco won’t let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask
retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy
things to say.
I thought the answer to everything is 42?
A new guy buys a farm that has a sow...he knows nothing about pigs. He asks his neighbor what to do with this sow. His neighbor says, bring her over and breed her to my boar, then you will have piglets.
So he loads her up in his wheelbarrow and hauls her a mile to the neighbors. He keeps this up for awhile, and his back is starting to get pretty sore.
He knows nothing about pigs, so everyday he’s checking to see if there are any piglets yet.
One morning he is just so tired he can hardly move. Dreading the 2 mile walk hauling that sow. So he asks his wife to have a look out the window and see if she spots any piglets.
The wife says no.....
but the sow is in the wheelbarrow.
I lied. TOP 25!
Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn’t seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their “Older Person Friendly” policies.
One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.
“Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome.”
“Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it.”
“Well good, you are a team player. That’s what I like to hear”.
“Yes sir, I understand your concern and I will try harder”.
Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, “I know you’re retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning late so often?”
The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin,
“They usually saluted and said, Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir”?
My nose is getting in the way!
TOP 50!
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.
The brain said: “I should be in charge, because I run all the body’s systems, so without me nothing would happen.”
“I should be in charge,” said the heart, “because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you’d all waste away.”
“I should be in charge,” said the stomach, “because I process food and give all of you energy.”
“I should be in charge,” said the rectum, “because I’m responsible for waste removal.”
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic.
Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss,
The Moral of the story?
Even though others do all the work, the a$$ hole is usually in charge.
So true.
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