Skip to comments.(-:(-:(-:THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD:-):-):-)
Posted on 06/15/2012 5:26:18 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
Woohoo!! It’s Friday!!!
Wall Street pays me = EXTORTION!
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________
HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________
SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES____________________________________________
BRANCH OF MILITARY SERVED IN____________________________________________
CURRENT RANK_______________ HIGHEST RANK____________________________
PLEASE LIST ALL MEDAL AND COMMENDATIONS EARNED ___________________________
REASON FOR SEPERATION_________________________________________________________
HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______
Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain:
Number of years they have been married ______________________________
If less than your age, explain
A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo? __Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?
(IF YOU ANSWERED “YES” TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)
In 50 words or less, what does “LATE” mean to you?
In 50 words or less, what does “DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER” mean to you?
In 50 words or less, what does “ABSTINENCE” mean to you?
Church you attend ___________________________________________________
How often you attend ________________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
C: A woman’s place is in the:
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________
F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE
WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
Applicant’s Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)
Mother’s Signature Father’s Signature
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can’t, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back)
Thanks for the ping, as always.
Old Montana cowboy in a pharmacy.
*Cowboy: “Give me a packet of condoms, please.”*****
*Cashier: “Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”*****
*Cowboy: “Nah. She ain’t that ugly.”*****
Thank you! Fridays just would not be the same without this thread.
Naahh .. I'm lookin' for a 20 year old
As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.
If you pull into my driveway and honk youd better be delivering a package, because youre sure not picking anything up.
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughters body, I will remove them.
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please dont take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Im sure youve been told that in todays world, sex without utilizing a barrier method of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is early
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why dont you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
- Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
- Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.
- Places where there is darkness.
- Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
- Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat.
- Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay.
- Hockey games are okay.
- Old folks homes are better.
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car-there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
WOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO TGIF
I am old and tired and can only grant you one, relatively easy wish. a harried-looking genie announces when Obama rubs the lamp.
Obama thinks a moment and demands Build a bridge from the USA to Kenya so all of my brothers and sisters can enjoy the bounty of America.
Damn! states the genie, Thats too hard. Can you think of something else?
Obama hesitates a moment and says OK, make me as great a President as Lincoln or Reagan!
The genie looks at Obama says: A two-lane highway good enough?
“pull my finger”
Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenaged daughter.
Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full refund.)
IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR
To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl, please examine your new daughter carefully.
a) Look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing?
b) Refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting money)?
c) Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?
If any of these are true, you have received the correct item. Nice try, though.
When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized. This is the “Break-in Period,” during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress. Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will start acting even worse.
To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone or Instant Messenger. No further programming is required.
Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this.
CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER
Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between the words “clean” and “neat.” Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps that you must purchase for them because like I’m sure I’m going to use like the same kind of soap my mom and dad use. When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing “clean” with “neat.” Teenagers are very busy and do not have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These others are called “parents.”
FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER
Your teenaged daughter requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because it is like so disgusting. She does not want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see you and like I’m sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents. Either order take-out food or just give her the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and ohmigod he is so hot. Yes, your teenaged daughter’s idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy.
CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER
Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing that will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections that are available to you. Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the schoolhouse door, she will be wearing something entirely different.
Teenaged daughters require one of two levels of maintenance: “High,” and “Ultra High.” Your daughter is “Ultra High.” This means that whatever you do won’t be enough and whatever you try won’t work.
This product is not without defect because she has your genes, for heaven’s sake. If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has already happened and as far as you are concerned never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she’s actually still there - you just have to look for her.
In! TOP ... something...
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 2011 Federal Tax return.
Thank you. I have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are evil and expensive.
Its only fair that since they are minors and not my responsibility that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction.
This year they are yours!
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer peoples questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze; Next year she is going to college. I think its wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesnt run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Joycelyn Elders, who had a rather good handle on the problem.
Patrick is 14. Ive had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TPing houses. In the future would you like him delivered to the local IRS office or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, whats the big deal? Learn to deal with it. Youll have plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight. Ill take care of filing your phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (Im sure that you will find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)
Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by magic one year. Im sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tims. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. Hooked On Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying! Its quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two) so they have helped raise this one to a new level of terror. She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/ yuppie/ political doublespeak. I dont. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her Rs. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, as she sort of nests in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.
You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I still go bankrupt with Kristens college but then I am free! If you take the two oldest then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls then I wont feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and to make a down payment on an airplane.
[Note: The taxpayer in question added this caveat at a later date:
Rats, they sent me the refund and allowed the deductions.
Gee Bob, sometimes you just cant get a break...]
That father catching the child is just amazing. Where did that come from?
One of my dad’s favorites:
You’re out of step!
Guns don’t kill people,
dad’s with teenage daughters do.
For your entertainment
“Knock it off or I’ll be on you quicker than a dirty shirt”
My Grandpa’s saying..whom I love & miss terribly
My father was a special investigator for the OSI. When he thought I was
up to something he brought home the polygraph. No Lie.
Don't make me stop this car, and the corollary: If I have to stop this car some one is walking home and I am the only one with the car keys.
"True, I can't make you do it, but I can make you wish you had."
“Obama thinks a moment and demands Build a bridge from the USA to Kenya so all of my brothers and sisters can enjoy the bounty of America.”
Two lanes works. As long as it is one way back to Kenya.
Unexpectedly I tell you!
No, I didn’t tell HBO to put Bush’s head on that pike. It was supposed to be Mugabe. I specifically told them I wanted a dictators head up there. “Was that 140?”
You don’t have vanilla? What’s your tax ID?
McCains daughter got some junk in that trunk
Do not taunt Cthulhu...
Q: Do you know what they call “vote manipulation” in Chicago?
A: “Community Organizing”
My favorite one used on our daughter when she did not want to do something ....
There’s the hard way and there is my way. What’s your choice?
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don’t even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn’t be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...
... I’m sorry...what did you ask me?
People born before 1946 were called The Silent and Powerful Generation.
People born between 1946 and 1964 are called The Baby Boomers.
People born between 1965 and 1979 are called Generation X.
And people born between 1980 and 2010 are called Generation Y.
Why do we call the last group Generation Y?
- Y should I get a job?
- Y should I leave home and find my own place?
- Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?
- Y should I clean my room?
- Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?
- Y should I buy any food?
Original Chinese Proverb -
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime.
Give a man a welfare check, a free cell phone with unlimited free minutes, cash for his clunker, food stamps, section 8 housing, free contraceptives, Medicaid, a hundred weeks of unemployment, a forty ounce malt liquor, free drugs, Air Jordan shoes, and he will vote Democrat for life.
A wife comes home one day and catches her husband having sex with an escort. How dare you!! Paying to have sex in our house!!
The husband says Does that mean you want me to stop the cleaning service
What does that have to do with anything the wife says.
The husband says, Well that’s another thing you dont do that I have to pay for!
Best advice my dad ever gave me was - “Never trust a woman with a hyphenated last name.”
I’ve yet to see him proved wrong on this.
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