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The Best and Funniest Country (esp. the South and Mid-West) Expressions [Vanity]
Pharmboy | 9-21-12 | Everyone

Posted on 09/21/2012 1:58:04 PM PDT by Pharmboy

I have always enjoyed hearing those funny and clever expressions handed down from grandmas and grandpas in the heartland. I grew up in the east, but went to school in the mid-west, and some of the guys I went to school with had some great ones.

I would love to hear some of yours.

I will start with a few that I heard years ago, and ask you folks to add your own favorites that you heard from friends and family.

My dad (NYC):

"Busier than a one-armed paper hanger."

From a buddy from Indiana:

"Well, he stands out like two turds in a pan of milk."

"She's crazier than a half-f***ed fox during the heat season."

From a guy from Georgia who lived down the hall [said about a woman who was not particularly attractive]:

She sure ain't nobody's pretty chile."

A woman from Maryland as she goes to answer the telelphone:

"What kind of fresh hell is this?"

Now you go...


TOPICS: Chit/Chat; Humor
KEYWORDS: heartland; sayings
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To: CrazyIvan

When I tell my country fried girlfriend my side of conversation with guy or gal she’ll reply “and what did he (or she) allow?”

Translated: What did he/she say?—NC


51 posted on 09/21/2012 2:30:23 PM PDT by Rebelbase (The most transparent administration ever is clear as mud.)
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To: Pharmboy

Couldn’t pour piss out of a boot if directions were on the heel.
You could’nt find your ass with a search warrant.
Tighter then dicks hat band.
Busier then a one armed paper hanger.


52 posted on 09/21/2012 2:30:30 PM PDT by linn37 (Newt supporter here.)
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To: BluH2o

That’s a NM one, too. Probably the whole SW.


53 posted on 09/21/2012 2:30:45 PM PDT by TheThirdRuffian (I will never vote for Romney. Ever.)
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To: KittenClaws
After a night of drinking, courtesy of my ex-husband:

“I feel like I've been drug thorough hell backwards then slapped in the face with buzzard guts”

54 posted on 09/21/2012 2:30:53 PM PDT by KittenClaws (You may have to fight a battle more than once in order to win it." - Margaret Thatcher)
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To: Pharmboy
Dumber than a box of rocks.

His picnic basket is a sandwich short.

So ugly they had to tie a pork chop around his neck so the dog would play with him.

55 posted on 09/21/2012 2:31:19 PM PDT by From The Deer Stand
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To: Pharmboy
someone who isn't going anywhere anytime soon:

"he's like a ______ in jail, he ain't goin' nowhere"

someone who isn't moving fast enough:

"Damn boy, yer moving slower than pond water" or, alternatively:

"damn son, yer moving slower than a ___________ looking for a job"

someone moving very quickly:

He's moving like a ________ chasing free cheese.

something that doesn't make any sense:

that's as wrong as two boys f***ing.

56 posted on 09/21/2012 2:31:38 PM PDT by RC one
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To: Pharmboy

They didn’t hit her with an ugly stick they fell the whole tree on her.


57 posted on 09/21/2012 2:32:32 PM PDT by Lurkina.n.Learnin (Ignorance is bliss- I'm stoked)
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To: Pharmboy

My family did not use many of these phrases. They came from my husband’s family—Southern Ohio, Southern Indiana...

Close, but no cigar.

He’s a few bricks shy of a load.
Her elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Crooked-er than a dog’s hind leg.

Go pi$$ up a rope.


58 posted on 09/21/2012 2:33:25 PM PDT by madison10
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To: Pharmboy

From another thread: “San Fran Nan is crazier than a rabid bat.” From a Wa. State FReep.

Not Midwest, but it works.


59 posted on 09/21/2012 2:35:06 PM PDT by AFreeBird
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To: Pharmboy

From central Pennsylvania grand parents
(meaning stupid)dumb as a post
(referring to a woman meaning she was angry)mad as wet hen

mountains of NC
(meaning sad)
lower than a blue snake in a cold bucket in January.

(meaning crazy) cock eyed.


60 posted on 09/21/2012 2:35:49 PM PDT by ckilmer
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To: KittenClaws

Drunker than Cooter Brown
Coon ass drunk


61 posted on 09/21/2012 2:36:00 PM PDT by Georgia Girl 2 (The only purpose of a pistol is to fight your way back to the rifle you should never have dropped.)
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To: Pharmboy

From a long-ago male friend:
Wouldn’t kick her out of bed for eating crackers.

I always thought that was pretty funny.


62 posted on 09/21/2012 2:36:13 PM PDT by Rutabega (If you don't want me in your personal affairs, don't stick your hand out for my help.)
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To: thefactor

yer about as handy as trapdoor in a canoe.


63 posted on 09/21/2012 2:36:18 PM PDT by RC one
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To: madison10

“If my dog had your face I’d shave his butt and make him walk backward.” (Also from husband’s family @ reunion)


64 posted on 09/21/2012 2:36:45 PM PDT by madison10
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To: Pharmboy

“Dumb as a box of hammers”

From my 100 year old grandmother “that (event- happening- person” is as queer as a potato tree”


65 posted on 09/21/2012 2:37:34 PM PDT by gartrell bibberts (We have reached the "tipping point" - stop the madness.)
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To: Rebelbase

I read a lot of Twain and have Missouri background and that sounds a lot like what he called “Pike county” dialect. My Mis. Relatives also differentiate between creek and crick. A crick is a creek narrow enought to step over.


66 posted on 09/21/2012 2:38:21 PM PDT by CrazyIvan (Obama's birth certificate was found stapled to Soros's receipt.)
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To: TheThirdRuffian
Ugly: She has a face for radio. Coyote Ugly (now in common parlance) Punch her daddy ugly

Stupid people:

42 gallons short of a barrel 24 cents short of a quarter Rocket surgeon Vowell Buyer (Wheel of Fortune Reference) Thank God she's hot; otherwise they'd let her wander off and get eaten by coyotes. Couldn't count to 21 if he were barefoot and without pants.

big insults:

Chicken-eating Methodist
67 posted on 09/21/2012 2:40:07 PM PDT by TheThirdRuffian (I will never vote for Romney. Ever.)
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To: Pharmboy

in the klondikes!!!


68 posted on 09/21/2012 2:40:11 PM PDT by ontap
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To: Pharmboy

Two kinds of pretty.
Pretty damn ugly and pretty apt to stay that way.


69 posted on 09/21/2012 2:40:35 PM PDT by Lurkina.n.Learnin (Ignorance is bliss- I'm stoked)
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To: 21twelve

My dad must have seen bigger errors, he used ‘cattywampus’, also in MN.


70 posted on 09/21/2012 2:40:35 PM PDT by slowhandluke (It's hard to be cynical enough in this age.)
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To: Pharmboy

For the etymology of unusual expressions, first Google them, to find out if they are a variant, then check out the online Etymology dictionary.

http://www.etymonline.com/


71 posted on 09/21/2012 2:40:48 PM PDT by yefragetuwrabrumuy (DIY Bumper Sticker: "THREE TIMES,/ DEMOCRATS/ REJECTED GOD")
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To: KittenClaws

Mean as an acre of snakes

Slower than smoke risin’ from horse $hit


72 posted on 09/21/2012 2:41:21 PM PDT by KittenClaws (You may have to fight a battle more than once in order to win it." - Margaret Thatcher)
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To: RC one

Useless as teets on a boar.


73 posted on 09/21/2012 2:41:25 PM PDT by CrazyIvan (Obama's birth certificate was found stapled to Soros's receipt.)
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To: 21twelve

Typically that was cattywampus.


74 posted on 09/21/2012 2:41:26 PM PDT by yefragetuwrabrumuy (DIY Bumper Sticker: "THREE TIMES,/ DEMOCRATS/ REJECTED GOD")
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To: CrazyIvan

Uglier than a mud fence, after a hard rain.


75 posted on 09/21/2012 2:42:16 PM PDT by yefragetuwrabrumuy (DIY Bumper Sticker: "THREE TIMES,/ DEMOCRATS/ REJECTED GOD")
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To: TheThirdRuffian
Ugly: She has a face for radio.
Coyote Ugly (now in common parlance)
Punch her daddy ugly


Stupid people:

42 gallons short of a barrel
24 cents short of a quarter
Rocket surgeon
Vowell Buyer (Wheel of Fortune Reference)
Thank God she's hot; otherwise they'd let her wander off and get eaten by coyotes.
Couldn't count to 21 if he were barefoot and without pants.

big insults:

Chicken-eating Methodist

76 posted on 09/21/2012 2:43:24 PM PDT by TheThirdRuffian (I will never vote for Romney. Ever.)
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To: CrazyIvan
"(While following a very large woman in pants) “looks like two hogs fightin’ in a gunny sack. “

LOL!

77 posted on 09/21/2012 2:44:19 PM PDT by Average Al (The Democrat party is a free range zoo.)
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To: georgiabelle

Joe Garagiola did a lovely take on that:

“Oh well, half of one, six dozen of the other.”


78 posted on 09/21/2012 2:45:09 PM PDT by yefragetuwrabrumuy (DIY Bumper Sticker: "THREE TIMES,/ DEMOCRATS/ REJECTED GOD")
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To: yefragetuwrabrumuy

Angry enough to spit nails


79 posted on 09/21/2012 2:45:09 PM PDT by KittenClaws (You may have to fight a battle more than once in order to win it." - Margaret Thatcher)
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To: Pharmboy

Well you’re as sharp as a marble


80 posted on 09/21/2012 2:45:52 PM PDT by Lurkina.n.Learnin (Ignorance is bliss- I'm stoked)
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He was going faster than a greased rattlesnake going downhill on an icy road with an 80mph wind down its back.

(this isn’t a real saying...its a very obscure trivia question...I will be beyond impressed if anybody can tag the reference)


81 posted on 09/21/2012 2:46:04 PM PDT by dsrtsage (One half of all people have below average IQ. In the US the number is 54%)
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To: Pharmboy
She was ugly enough to make a freight train took a dirt road.

We were raised so far back in the woods that they had to pipe in sunlight.

82 posted on 09/21/2012 2:48:25 PM PDT by rightly_dividing
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To: Pharmboy

The Pennsylvania Dutch manner of speaking changed the pattern of grammar around to interesting effect, such as:

“Throw the cows over the fence some hay.”


83 posted on 09/21/2012 2:49:09 PM PDT by yefragetuwrabrumuy (DIY Bumper Sticker: "THREE TIMES,/ DEMOCRATS/ REJECTED GOD")
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To: Pharmboy

It’s colder than a witch’s t!t.

Dumb as a box of rocks.

Who died and made you king?

Well butter my biscuts, look who’s here!

Don’t let the door hit cha where the good Lord split cha.

Bless her heart,...(a backhanded “compliment”)

Rare as a hen’s tooth.

Well, I’ll be.

I’m fixin’ to go out now, so I’ll see ya’ll ‘round.


84 posted on 09/21/2012 2:49:43 PM PDT by SaraJohnson
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To: yarddog
In a similar vein, from upstate NY, around Albany, instead of "make yourself at home" from the host when you walk in: "Make yourself ta home." I always thought that was just so charming.
85 posted on 09/21/2012 2:50:26 PM PDT by Pharmboy (Democrats lie because they must.)
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To: Noumenon

She’s uglier than a mud fence.


86 posted on 09/21/2012 2:50:55 PM PDT by Ax
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To: Pharmboy
From the cornfields of Iowa....in response to a lame joke...........

"Well....that fell flatter than a turd from a tall cow!"

87 posted on 09/21/2012 2:51:03 PM PDT by Diego1618 ( Put "Ron" on the rock!)
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To: Pharmboy

I wonder if anyone else remembers when the trunk of a car was called the “cooter hull”?


88 posted on 09/21/2012 2:51:12 PM PDT by yarddog
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To: Pharmboy

Dumb as a oyster.

Southern Maryland


89 posted on 09/21/2012 2:52:00 PM PDT by Palio di Siena
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To: Pharmboy

It was rainin like a cow pissin on a flat rock.


90 posted on 09/21/2012 2:54:56 PM PDT by Lurkina.n.Learnin (Ignorance is bliss- I'm stoked)
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To: yarddog

That cop was on that guy like Holy on the Pope.


91 posted on 09/21/2012 2:56:01 PM PDT by Ax
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To: madison10

a few french fries short of a Happy Meal

You think he’s stupid, you should see his brother—he walks like this.

He’s so dumb he thinks an innuendo is an Italian suppository.

Too poor to own a dog.

My mother used to say “If we had ham, we could have ham and eggs, if we had eggs.” (Said rarely, only at appropriate moments.)

Russell Baker about his uncle or father (can’t remember which) when it was 30 below and he had to go outside to feed the animals or whatever: “There’s a right smart o’ wind out there.”


92 posted on 09/21/2012 2:59:43 PM PDT by firebrand
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To: Pharmboy

From my Dad many years ago on a rainy day in Indiana:

“It’s raining harder than a double peckered billy goat peeing on a flat rock”


93 posted on 09/21/2012 3:00:16 PM PDT by Submariner
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To: Pharmboy

One of my favorites came from my college room-mate, while watching someone (me, sometimes) struggle with a simple task:

“You’re not a tool-using mammal, are you?”

and some others:

“Not the deepest puddle...”

“Looks like the ugly truck did a burn-out on her face”

“She’s got a butterface - everything looks good but her face”

“Queer as a 3-dollar bill”

“Sweating like Woody Allen in a chinese high school”


94 posted on 09/21/2012 3:03:51 PM PDT by lump in the melting pot (Communism - a social experiment which, for ethical reasons, should not be performed on live humans)
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To: Pharmboy

From central Florida (my dad):

A hard rain is a “gully washer”

When my sister and I were being slow we were either “lollygagging” or “slower than molasses on Christmas morning” and to correct the situation we needed to “hit another cog”

A fat person was “bear bait”

If something had to be done right away it needed to be done “lickity split”

Tires were “nail traps”

Brazil nuts were “nigger toes”

Colleges were places where “smart people learned to be dumb”

Another good line “Stupid Should Hurt”

And one that I never understood: That is dumber than latex on a cat’s paw


95 posted on 09/21/2012 3:07:14 PM PDT by taxcontrol
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To: Pharmboy

‘all his puppies ain’t barkin’’ said about someone who wasn’t quite sane. same great aunt.


96 posted on 09/21/2012 3:08:22 PM PDT by Black Agnes
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To: Rutabega

Line from Dolly Parton love song:

“You can eat crackers in MY bed ANY ole time!”


97 posted on 09/21/2012 3:13:18 PM PDT by BwanaNdege (Man has often lost his way, but modern man has lost his address - Gilbert K. Chesterton)
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To: madison10

That’s a keeper


98 posted on 09/21/2012 3:13:29 PM PDT by silentreignofheroes
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To: Pharmboy

My father-in-law (1930-2011 and a Korean war veteran) used to say:

“Running around like a fart in a lantern”

“Faster than sh*t through a goose”

“A-okay on the LBJ”


99 posted on 09/21/2012 3:14:54 PM PDT by MeganC (The Cinemark theatre in Aurora, CO is a 'Gun Free Zone'. Spread the word.)
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To: Pharmboy
"Bless your little heart." - South of the Mason Dixon line.

Don't ever want to hear that said to you.

5.56mm

100 posted on 09/21/2012 3:18:39 PM PDT by M Kehoe
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