Skip to comments.The Best and Funniest Country (esp. the South and Mid-West) Expressions [Vanity]
Posted on 09/21/2012 1:58:04 PM PDT by Pharmboy
I have always enjoyed hearing those funny and clever expressions handed down from grandmas and grandpas in the heartland. I grew up in the east, but went to school in the mid-west, and some of the guys I went to school with had some great ones.
I would love to hear some of yours.
I will start with a few that I heard years ago, and ask you folks to add your own favorites that you heard from friends and family.
My dad (NYC):
"Busier than a one-armed paper hanger."
From a buddy from Indiana:
"Well, he stands out like two turds in a pan of milk."
"She's crazier than a half-f***ed fox during the heat season."
From a guy from Georgia who lived down the hall [said about a woman who was not particularly attractive]:
She sure ain't nobody's pretty chile."
A woman from Maryland as she goes to answer the telelphone:
"What kind of fresh hell is this?"
Now you go...
When I tell my country fried girlfriend my side of conversation with guy or gal she’ll reply “and what did he (or she) allow?”
Translated: What did he/she say?—NC
Couldn’t pour piss out of a boot if directions were on the heel.
You could’nt find your ass with a search warrant.
Tighter then dicks hat band.
Busier then a one armed paper hanger.
That’s a NM one, too. Probably the whole SW.
“I feel like I've been drug thorough hell backwards then slapped in the face with buzzard guts”
His picnic basket is a sandwich short.
So ugly they had to tie a pork chop around his neck so the dog would play with him.
"he's like a ______ in jail, he ain't goin' nowhere"
someone who isn't moving fast enough:
"Damn boy, yer moving slower than pond water" or, alternatively:
"damn son, yer moving slower than a ___________ looking for a job"
someone moving very quickly:
He's moving like a ________ chasing free cheese.
something that doesn't make any sense:
that's as wrong as two boys f***ing.
They didn’t hit her with an ugly stick they fell the whole tree on her.
My family did not use many of these phrases. They came from my husband’s family—Southern Ohio, Southern Indiana...
Close, but no cigar.
He’s a few bricks shy of a load.
Her elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Crooked-er than a dog’s hind leg.
Go pi$$ up a rope.
From another thread: “San Fran Nan is crazier than a rabid bat.” From a Wa. State FReep.
Not Midwest, but it works.
From central Pennsylvania grand parents
(meaning stupid)dumb as a post
(referring to a woman meaning she was angry)mad as wet hen
mountains of NC
lower than a blue snake in a cold bucket in January.
(meaning crazy) cock eyed.
Drunker than Cooter Brown
Coon ass drunk
From a long-ago male friend:
Wouldn’t kick her out of bed for eating crackers.
I always thought that was pretty funny.
yer about as handy as trapdoor in a canoe.
“If my dog had your face I’d shave his butt and make him walk backward.” (Also from husband’s family @ reunion)
“Dumb as a box of hammers”
From my 100 year old grandmother “that (event- happening- person” is as queer as a potato tree”
I read a lot of Twain and have Missouri background and that sounds a lot like what he called “Pike county” dialect. My Mis. Relatives also differentiate between creek and crick. A crick is a creek narrow enought to step over.
in the klondikes!!!
Two kinds of pretty.
Pretty damn ugly and pretty apt to stay that way.
My dad must have seen bigger errors, he used ‘cattywampus’, also in MN.
For the etymology of unusual expressions, first Google them, to find out if they are a variant, then check out the online Etymology dictionary.
Mean as an acre of snakes
Slower than smoke risin’ from horse $hit
Useless as teets on a boar.
Typically that was cattywampus.
Uglier than a mud fence, after a hard rain.
Joe Garagiola did a lovely take on that:
“Oh well, half of one, six dozen of the other.”
Angry enough to spit nails
Well you’re as sharp as a marble
He was going faster than a greased rattlesnake going downhill on an icy road with an 80mph wind down its back.
(this isn’t a real saying...its a very obscure trivia question...I will be beyond impressed if anybody can tag the reference)
We were raised so far back in the woods that they had to pipe in sunlight.
The Pennsylvania Dutch manner of speaking changed the pattern of grammar around to interesting effect, such as:
“Throw the cows over the fence some hay.”
It’s colder than a witch’s t!t.
Dumb as a box of rocks.
Who died and made you king?
Well butter my biscuts, look who’s here!
Don’t let the door hit cha where the good Lord split cha.
Bless her heart,...(a backhanded “compliment”)
Rare as a hen’s tooth.
Well, I’ll be.
I’m fixin’ to go out now, so I’ll see ya’ll ‘round.
She’s uglier than a mud fence.
"Well....that fell flatter than a turd from a tall cow!"
I wonder if anyone else remembers when the trunk of a car was called the “cooter hull”?
Dumb as a oyster.
It was rainin like a cow pissin on a flat rock.
That cop was on that guy like Holy on the Pope.
a few french fries short of a Happy Meal
You think he’s stupid, you should see his brother—he walks like this.
He’s so dumb he thinks an innuendo is an Italian suppository.
Too poor to own a dog.
My mother used to say “If we had ham, we could have ham and eggs, if we had eggs.” (Said rarely, only at appropriate moments.)
Russell Baker about his uncle or father (can’t remember which) when it was 30 below and he had to go outside to feed the animals or whatever: “There’s a right smart o’ wind out there.”
From my Dad many years ago on a rainy day in Indiana:
“It’s raining harder than a double peckered billy goat peeing on a flat rock”
One of my favorites came from my college room-mate, while watching someone (me, sometimes) struggle with a simple task:
“You’re not a tool-using mammal, are you?”
and some others:
“Not the deepest puddle...”
“Looks like the ugly truck did a burn-out on her face”
“She’s got a butterface - everything looks good but her face”
“Queer as a 3-dollar bill”
“Sweating like Woody Allen in a chinese high school”
From central Florida (my dad):
A hard rain is a “gully washer”
When my sister and I were being slow we were either “lollygagging” or “slower than molasses on Christmas morning” and to correct the situation we needed to “hit another cog”
A fat person was “bear bait”
If something had to be done right away it needed to be done “lickity split”
Tires were “nail traps”
Brazil nuts were “nigger toes”
Colleges were places where “smart people learned to be dumb”
Another good line “Stupid Should Hurt”
And one that I never understood: That is dumber than latex on a cat’s paw
‘all his puppies ain’t barkin’’ said about someone who wasn’t quite sane. same great aunt.
Line from Dolly Parton love song:
“You can eat crackers in MY bed ANY ole time!”
That’s a keeper
My father-in-law (1930-2011 and a Korean war veteran) used to say:
“Running around like a fart in a lantern”
“Faster than sh*t through a goose”
“A-okay on the LBJ”
Don't ever want to hear that said to you.
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