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~THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD~

Posted on 01/04/2013 5:11:46 AM PST by Lucky9teen



And then I read this....

On January 1, 400 new federal laws took effect. Meanwhile, state legislatures passed 29,000 bills and resolutions, many of which came into force on the first of the year. Local government added thousands of new laws.

Ignorance is no excuse, so start cramming on all the weird new regulations you have to follow as of Tuesday:

1. In California, it's now unlawful to let a dog pursue a bear or bobcat at any time. Previously, exceptions had been made for hunting. Bad news for dogs, good news for bears and bobcats.

2. The new laws aren't just about banning things! Florida law revised the term "motor vehicle" to exclude swamp buggies, deregulating the primary mode of transportation in that state.

3. In an assault on the civil rights of crazy cat ladies, residents of Wellington, Kansas are now limited to no more than four cats per household. The hope is that restricting ownership will lower the town's burgeoning cat population.

4. Fun news: Illinoisans under 21 can drink alcohol now! Less fun: They have to be enrolled in a culinary program to do so.

5. Film producers in California must have permission from a pediatrician before filming a child under the age of one month. Suddenly, Real Infants of Newport Beach looks less likely to be green-lit.

6. In the category of "how the hell wasn't this illegal already," California prison workers will no longer be allowed to have sex with inmates.

7. Sex offenders in Illinois are banned from distributing candy on Halloween or playing Santa or the Easter Bunny.

8. No more "popping wheelies" on motorcycles in Illinois, but they can run a red light if the coast is clear.

9. Don't steal grease in North Carolina. Those who steal more than $1,000 worth of grease can be found guilty of a felony. It's the kind of overcompensation that happens when your state doesn't have mineral or gas deposits.

If all this sounds like things you did on New Year's Eve, I hope you had fun. No more such hijinks in 2013.









TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: government; ofst; silliness; stupidpeople
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1 posted on 01/04/2013 5:11:56 AM PST by Lucky9teen
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To: 2111USMC; 21stCenturion; 2ndDivisionVet; 3AngelaD; 4mycountry; 5Madman2; 66-442hot; 6amgelsmama; ...

CLICK HERE TO BE INCLUDED OR TAKEN OFF THE LIST



2 posted on 01/04/2013 5:15:49 AM PST by Lucky9teen (Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading.~Thomas Jeffer)
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To: 2111USMC; 21stCenturion; 2ndDivisionVet; 3AngelaD; 4mycountry; 5Madman2; 66-442hot; 6amgelsmama; ...

CLICK HERE TO BE INCLUDED OR TAKEN OFF THE LIST



3 posted on 01/04/2013 5:16:00 AM PST by Lucky9teen (Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading.~Thomas Jeffer)
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To: Lucky9teen

Whoa! In!!!!


4 posted on 01/04/2013 5:17:00 AM PST by ErnBatavia (Piffle....)
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To: 2111USMC; 21stCenturion; 2ndDivisionVet; 3AngelaD; 4mycountry; 5Madman2; 66-442hot; 6amgelsmama; ...

CLICK HERE TO BE INCLUDED OR TAKEN OFF THE LIST



5 posted on 01/04/2013 5:17:00 AM PST by Lucky9teen (Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading.~Thomas Jeffer)
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To: Lucky9teen

TOP TEN!!!


6 posted on 01/04/2013 5:19:22 AM PST by RandallFlagg ("Liberalism is about as progressive as CANCER" -Alfonzo Rachel)
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To: Lucky9teen

Top Ten! Good Morning!


7 posted on 01/04/2013 5:20:08 AM PST by Disambiguator
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To: Disambiguator

Top ten me too!


8 posted on 01/04/2013 5:21:45 AM PST by freebird5850 (The only good thing about Barry getting re-elected is now we get to see him fall from a higher place)
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To: Lucky9teen

Top twenty


9 posted on 01/04/2013 5:23:18 AM PST by Will not Live for another Man
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To: Lucky9teen

Top ten!


10 posted on 01/04/2013 5:23:54 AM PST by rockabyebaby (We are sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo screwed!)
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To: Will not Live for another Man

top 7


11 posted on 01/04/2013 5:24:33 AM PST by Doogle (USAF.68-73..8th TFW Ubon Thailand..never store a threat you should have eliminated))
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To: Lucky9teen
IT'S SILLINESS!!!!!


12 posted on 01/04/2013 5:27:12 AM PST by ArGee (Reality - what a concept.)
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To: ArGee
So then Washington says to Hamilton, "Just think for a minute. What if one day the people realize the power they have and us this to vote so much money for themselves that the country winds up $16 Trillion in debt.

Hamilton says, "That's silly, George. Stop stalling and sign the darn thing."

13 posted on 01/04/2013 5:30:33 AM PST by ArGee (Reality - what a concept.)
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To: Lucky9teen
Photobucket

Photobucket

Photobucket

14 posted on 01/04/2013 5:31:22 AM PST by dragonblustar (Allah Ain't So Akbar!"Once abolish the God, and the Government becomes the God")
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To: ArGee

15 posted on 01/04/2013 5:36:57 AM PST by ArGee (Reality - what a concept.)
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To: Lucky9teen
We're ready for OFST !

16 posted on 01/04/2013 5:41:23 AM PST by Izzy Dunne (Hello, I'm a TAGLINE virus. Please help me spread by copying me into YOUR tag line.)
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To: Lucky9teen
top 20
17 posted on 01/04/2013 5:41:42 AM PST by scott0347 (Commander of the 0347th Lancer Brigade, Operator of the Immaculate Steamroller)
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To: All

Top 20!!


18 posted on 01/04/2013 5:42:45 AM PST by KevinDavis (And you, be ye fruitful, and multiply; bring forth abundantly in the earth, and multiply therein.)
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To: ArGee
What's the difference between an accordion and a cat?
Only the cost, they both make the same kinds of sounds when you squeeze them.

The song most requested of accordionists?
Can you play Far, Far Away?

What's the difference between an accordion and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off before you jump up and down on a trampoline.

What is the range of an accordion?
Twenty yards if you've got a good arm!

What is the difference between an accordionist walking down the road with his accordion, and a goldfish swimming down the gutter with a banjo on his back?
The Goldfish has got a gig to go to.

What do a true music lover and an accordionist have in common?
Absolutely nothing.

19 posted on 01/04/2013 5:46:07 AM PST by ArGee (Reality - what a concept.)
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To: Lucky9teen

A few days ago my best friend from High School sent me a ‘Vietnam Veteran’ hat. I never had one of these before and I was pretty hyped about it, especially because my friend Ronn was considerate enough to take the time to give it to me.

Yesterday, I wore it when I went to Wal-Mart. There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world’s largest retailer but, since I retired, trips to Wally World to look at the Walmartians is always good for some comic relief. Besides, I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people that frequent the establishment. But, enough of my psychological fixes.

While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, “Are you a Vietnam Vet?”

“No” I replied.

“Then why are you wearing that hat?”

“Because I couldn’t find one for the War of 1812.” I thought it was a snappy retort.

“The War of 1812, huh.” the Walmartian queried, “When was that?”

God forgive but, I couldn’t pass up such an opportunity. “1936”

He pondered my response for a moment and responded, “Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?”

“It was a Black Op. No one is supposed to know about it.” This was beginning to be way fun.

“Dude! Really!” he exclaimed. “How did you get to do something that COOOOL?”

I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy and in a low voice said, “I’m not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission.”

“Dude!”, he was really getting excited about what he was hearing. “That is seriously Awesome! But, didn’t you kind of stand out?”

“Not really. The other guys were wearing white camouflage.” The moron nodded knowingly.

“Listen man,” I said in a very serious tone, “You can’t tell anyone about this. It’s still Top Secret and I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Oh yeah.” he gave me the “don’t threaten me look. “Like, what’s gonna happen if I do?”

With a really hard look I said, “You have a family don’t you? We wouldn’t want anything to happen to them would we?”

The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door. By this time the lady behind me was about to have a heart attack she was laughing so hard. I just grinned at her.

After checking out and going to the parking lot I saw dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight of me he started pointing excitedly in my direction. Giving him another ‘deadly’ serious look, I made the “I see you” gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped in the car and sped out of the parking lot.

What a great time! Tomorrow I’m going back with a Homeland Security hat. Whoever said retirement is boring just needs the right kind of hat..


20 posted on 01/04/2013 5:50:38 AM PST by verga (A nation divided by Zero!)
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To: Lucky9teen

“I was at WALMART the other day at the check out line and went to pay and the ‘good looking cashier’ said “Facing me, strip down”.
I unbuttoned my shirt and was starting on my pants when Security stopped me.

They just have to be more specific when instructing us ‘old fartz’ on these new fangled machines...


21 posted on 01/04/2013 5:52:13 AM PST by verga (A nation divided by Zero!)
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To: Lucky9teen

lol! best poshitus joke I’ve heard.


22 posted on 01/04/2013 5:53:11 AM PST by txhurl
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To: Lucky9teen

Top 25?

Even if I’m not thanks for all the funnies!


23 posted on 01/04/2013 5:53:18 AM PST by The Chief
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To: Lucky9teen

Top 25?

Even if I’m not thanks for all the funnies!


24 posted on 01/04/2013 5:53:33 AM PST by The Chief
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To: Lucky9teen

Top 25?

Even if I’m not thanks for all the funnies!


25 posted on 01/04/2013 5:54:01 AM PST by The Chief
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To: Lucky9teen

Top 25?

Even if I’m not thanks for all the funnies!


26 posted on 01/04/2013 5:54:01 AM PST by The Chief
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To: The Chief
You could have triple-posted and still made it!!!

Nice.

27 posted on 01/04/2013 5:55:03 AM PST by ArGee (Reality - what a concept.)
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To: ArGee

28 posted on 01/04/2013 5:58:52 AM PST by ArGee (Reality - what a concept.)
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To: Lucky9teen

Top 30?


29 posted on 01/04/2013 6:06:28 AM PST by JRios1968 (I'm guttery and trashy, with a hint of lemon. - Laz)
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To: Lucky9teen

IN!


30 posted on 01/04/2013 6:10:39 AM PST by Monkey Face (It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it. Aristotle)
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To: ArGee

Accordion to scientists and linguists, you can replace a word in a sentence with the name of a musical instrument and very few people will notice.


31 posted on 01/04/2013 6:13:30 AM PST by ShadowAce (Linux -- The Ultimate Windows Service Pack)
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To: Lucky9teen
We're ready for OFST !

32 posted on 01/04/2013 6:21:11 AM PST by Izzy Dunne (Hello, I'm a TAGLINE virus. Please help me spread by copying me into YOUR tag line.)
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To: ArGee

Definition of an optimist: An accordion player with a pager.


33 posted on 01/04/2013 6:21:20 AM PST by RightOnline (I am Andrew Breitbart!)
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To: verga
A retired friend of mine sent this to me:

MY LAST TRIP TO COSTCO

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.

I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people.

34 posted on 01/04/2013 6:23:45 AM PST by ArGee (Reality - what a concept.)
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To: Lucky9teen
We're ready for OFST !

35 posted on 01/04/2013 6:25:11 AM PST by Izzy Dunne (Hello, I'm a TAGLINE virus. Please help me spread by copying me into YOUR tag line.)
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To: Lucky9teen
Wait for me - I'm coming !

36 posted on 01/04/2013 6:26:18 AM PST by Izzy Dunne (Hello, I'm a TAGLINE virus. Please help me spread by copying me into YOUR tag line.)
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To: ShadowAce

Now that’s just drum.


37 posted on 01/04/2013 6:26:27 AM PST by ArGee (Reality - what a concept.)
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To: Lucky9teen
We're ready for OFST !

38 posted on 01/04/2013 6:30:36 AM PST by Izzy Dunne (Hello, I'm a TAGLINE virus. Please help me spread by copying me into YOUR tag line.)
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To: Lucky9teen
We're ready for OFST !

39 posted on 01/04/2013 6:32:18 AM PST by Izzy Dunne (Hello, I'm a TAGLINE virus. Please help me spread by copying me into YOUR tag line.)
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To: ArGee
Q: What do you never say about a tuba player?
A: "That's the tuba player's Porsche."

Q: Why are tubas like elderly parents?
A: Both are unforgiving and difficult to get into and out of cars.

Q: How many tuba players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but he'll complain about how high the socket is.

Two tuba players walk past a bar... well, it could happen.

A tuba player walked into a bar... It cost him $175.00 to have the dent removed.

One week after moving into his first apartment, Ed called his mother to complain about his neighbors: "One woman cries all day, another lies in bed moaning, and then there's this guy that keeps banging his head against the wall."
"You better keep away from them," she said.
"I do. I stay inside all day playing my tuba."

40 posted on 01/04/2013 6:32:32 AM PST by ArGee (Reality - what a concept.)
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To: Lucky9teen
We're ready for OFST !

41 posted on 01/04/2013 6:33:44 AM PST by Izzy Dunne (Hello, I'm a TAGLINE virus. Please help me spread by copying me into YOUR tag line.)
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To: Lucky9teen
I'm ready for OFST !

42 posted on 01/04/2013 6:35:43 AM PST by Izzy Dunne (Hello, I'm a TAGLINE virus. Please help me spread by copying me into YOUR tag line.)
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To: ArGee
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."

Q: How do you make musicians complain?
A: Pay them.

Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
A: A tattoo.

Q: What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.

Q: What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
A: "The Defendant"

Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?
A: Saliva.

Q: What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

Q: What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
A: A bad oboist can kill you.

Q: What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
A: When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

43 posted on 01/04/2013 6:37:24 AM PST by ArGee (Reality - what a concept.)
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To: ArGee
Q. What's the difference between an accordion and an onion?

A. No one cries when you take out a knife and cut up the accordion.

44 posted on 01/04/2013 6:38:24 AM PST by Izzy Dunne (Hello, I'm a TAGLINE virus. Please help me spread by copying me into YOUR tag line.)
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To: ArGee
I came back into rehearsal room, just to find the bass player and the drummer fighting tooth and nail.

I broke it up and asked them what the problem was.

The bass player said: "He reached over and de-tuned one of my strings !"

"So what?" I said. "just tune it back up".

The bass player said "But he won't tell me which one!"

45 posted on 01/04/2013 6:42:34 AM PST by Izzy Dunne (Hello, I'm a TAGLINE virus. Please help me spread by copying me into YOUR tag line.)
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To: ArGee
Playing the banjo is a lot like throwing a javelin blindfolded: you don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

What do you get when you throw a banjo and an accordion off the Empire State Building?
Who cares?

Banjo players are a lot like sharks: they think they have to keep playing or they will sink.

What is the difference between a banjo and a South American Macaw?
One is loud, obnoxious and noisy; the other is a bird.

What is the difference between a banjo and a Harley-Davidson motorcycle?
You can tune a Harley.

46 posted on 01/04/2013 6:44:10 AM PST by ArGee (Reality - what a concept.)
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To: ArGee
We're ready for OFST!

47 posted on 01/04/2013 6:44:43 AM PST by Izzy Dunne (Hello, I'm a TAGLINE virus. Please help me spread by copying me into YOUR tag line.)
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To: Izzy Dunne
OFST ready!

Let's roll... downhill?

48 posted on 01/04/2013 6:47:04 AM PST by txhurl
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To: Lucky9teen

I predict 7000 culinary academies will suddenly spring-up in Illinois before Halloween.


49 posted on 01/04/2013 7:06:41 AM PST by Buckeye McFrog
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To: Lucky9teen

No dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. However, in a recent linquistic conference held in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner.

His final challenge was this: Some say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand.

Here is his astute answer: “When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!”


50 posted on 01/04/2013 7:06:59 AM PST by Twotone (Marte Et Clypeo)
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