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~THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD~

Posted on 01/04/2013 5:11:46 AM PST by Lucky9teen



And then I read this....

On January 1, 400 new federal laws took effect. Meanwhile, state legislatures passed 29,000 bills and resolutions, many of which came into force on the first of the year. Local government added thousands of new laws.

Ignorance is no excuse, so start cramming on all the weird new regulations you have to follow as of Tuesday:

1. In California, it's now unlawful to let a dog pursue a bear or bobcat at any time. Previously, exceptions had been made for hunting. Bad news for dogs, good news for bears and bobcats.

2. The new laws aren't just about banning things! Florida law revised the term "motor vehicle" to exclude swamp buggies, deregulating the primary mode of transportation in that state.

3. In an assault on the civil rights of crazy cat ladies, residents of Wellington, Kansas are now limited to no more than four cats per household. The hope is that restricting ownership will lower the town's burgeoning cat population.

4. Fun news: Illinoisans under 21 can drink alcohol now! Less fun: They have to be enrolled in a culinary program to do so.

5. Film producers in California must have permission from a pediatrician before filming a child under the age of one month. Suddenly, Real Infants of Newport Beach looks less likely to be green-lit.

6. In the category of "how the hell wasn't this illegal already," California prison workers will no longer be allowed to have sex with inmates.

7. Sex offenders in Illinois are banned from distributing candy on Halloween or playing Santa or the Easter Bunny.

8. No more "popping wheelies" on motorcycles in Illinois, but they can run a red light if the coast is clear.

9. Don't steal grease in North Carolina. Those who steal more than $1,000 worth of grease can be found guilty of a felony. It's the kind of overcompensation that happens when your state doesn't have mineral or gas deposits.

If all this sounds like things you did on New Year's Eve, I hope you had fun. No more such hijinks in 2013.









TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: government; ofst; silliness; stupidpeople
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To: ArGee
With my sincerest apologies to Herbert Kretzmer, lyricist for "Les Miserables".

Speaker of the House

Speaker of the House
Isn't worth my spit.
Coward. Rank surrender-er, and lifelong sh**!
Cunning little brain,
Regular voltaire.
Think's he's a dealmaker but there's not much there.

What a cruel trick of nature
Leaving us with such a louse.
God knows how we've lasted living with this b@stard in the house.

51 posted on 01/04/2013 7:10:56 AM PST by ArGee (Reality - what a concept.)
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To: ArGee

52 posted on 01/04/2013 7:34:49 AM PST by ArGee (Reality - what a concept.)
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To: ArGee

53 posted on 01/04/2013 7:36:53 AM PST by ArGee (Reality - what a concept.)
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To: Lucky9teen

“3. In an assault on the civil rights of crazy cat ladies, residents of Wellington, Kansas are now limited to no more than four cats per household. The hope is that restricting ownership will lower the town’s burgeoning cat population.”

There’s a similar law here in San Jose, CA. It doesn’t mention cats specifically, but San Jose residents are limited to five pets (of all kinds) per household. I guess the above law is another example of how the rest of the country is being Californicated...


54 posted on 01/04/2013 7:49:22 AM PST by ZirconEncrustedTweezers (Some cultures are destined to remain stupid and we need to quit trying to uplift them.)
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To: verga

I learned the hard way when a pretty young bank teller asks, “Is there anything else I can do for you?” the appropriate response is NOT “Take off your blouse.”

Anyone know a good attorney?


55 posted on 01/04/2013 7:57:15 AM PST by ZirconEncrustedTweezers (Some cultures are destined to remain stupid and we need to quit trying to uplift them.)
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To: ZirconEncrustedTweezers
Meanwhile in Russia
56 posted on 01/04/2013 7:59:25 AM PST by pikachu (After Monday and Tuesday, even the calender goes W T F !)
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To: Lucky9teen



57 posted on 01/04/2013 7:59:43 AM PST by Lady Jag (If you can't make them see the light, let them feel the heat. - Reagan)
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To: ArGee

How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
None; they just steal someone else’s light.

How many bassists does it take to change a light bulb?
Why bother? The keyboard player can do it with his left hand.

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
Four; one to hold up the bulb and the other three to spin him on his throne.

How many lead vocalists does it take to change a light bulb?
One; he holds up the bulb and the world revolves around him.

How many sound guys does it take to change a light bulb?
One, two... one, two... one, two...


58 posted on 01/04/2013 8:02:16 AM PST by ZirconEncrustedTweezers (Some cultures are destined to remain stupid and we need to quit trying to uplift them.)
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To: ZirconEncrustedTweezers
19 things never to say at work (that you'd like to say):

19. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck.
18. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
17. Chaos, panic and disorder — my work here is done.
16. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
15. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?
14. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
13. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
12. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
11. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
10. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
9. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
7. You!… Off my planet!
6. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
5. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
4. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
3. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
2. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

And the number 1 think you shouldn't say ...

1. And your crybaby whiny-a$$ed opinion would be…?

59 posted on 01/04/2013 8:05:02 AM PST by ArGee (Reality - what a concept.)
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To: verga
"Walmartian"! Gotta remember that one!


60 posted on 01/04/2013 8:09:54 AM PST by Old Sarge (We are officially over the precipice, we just havent struck the ground yet...)
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To: ZirconEncrustedTweezers
How many rockers does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to hold the bulb, 4 to drink until the room is spinning.
61 posted on 01/04/2013 8:12:04 AM PST by ArGee (Reality - what a concept.)
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To: Izzy Dunne

A lead guitarist has having a lot of trouble finding work as a guitar player, so he answered an ad from a band looking for a bassist. After he’s met with the band, they tell him: “You know, we really like you, but we also know that as a lead guitarist you won’t be happy playing bass. So, here’s the deal. We’ll give you the gig, but only if you have half your brain removed.”

The guitarist thought this was a bit extreme, but it was a really good gig so he agreed.

After he came out of the anesthesia, the doctor says to him, “Well, I have good news and bad news.”

“Okay, give me the good news first,” the now-former guitarist says.

“Well,” says the doc, “your surgery went very well. You should be fully recovered in a week to a week and a half.”

“And the bad news?”

“We found a tumor while we were operating, so we had to remove two thirds of your brain,” the doc says.

“Okay, whatever,” replies the guy. “Got any sticks?”


62 posted on 01/04/2013 8:20:22 AM PST by ZirconEncrustedTweezers (Some cultures are destined to remain stupid and we need to quit trying to uplift them.)
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To: ArGee; ShadowAce

It’s clarinet you don’t understand what you are Saenghwang.


63 posted on 01/04/2013 8:20:36 AM PST by Lucky9teen (Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading.~Thomas Jeffer)
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To: ArGee

Why do bagpipers walk while they play?
It’s harder to hit a moving target.


64 posted on 01/04/2013 8:28:24 AM PST by ZirconEncrustedTweezers (Some cultures are destined to remain stupid and we need to quit trying to uplift them.)
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To: ArGee
Q: How many people with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Oh, look, paper clips!!!
65 posted on 01/04/2013 8:31:48 AM PST by ArGee (Reality - what a concept.)
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To: Lucky9teen

I think you are using clarinet as a vague euphonium for a piece of the male anatomy.


66 posted on 01/04/2013 8:33:06 AM PST by ArGee (Reality - what a concept.)
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To: ZirconEncrustedTweezers

A lead singer, a bass player, and a keyboard player walk into a pub. The bartender says, “What can I get you, Sir Paul?”


67 posted on 01/04/2013 8:49:07 AM PST by ArGee (Reality - what a concept.)
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To: ArGee

I think that “group” also included a guitarist, a drummer, and a composer. :)


68 posted on 01/04/2013 9:00:19 AM PST by ZirconEncrustedTweezers (Some cultures are destined to remain stupid and we need to quit trying to uplift them.)
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To: ArGee

69 posted on 01/04/2013 9:01:48 AM PST by ArGee (Reality - what a concept.)
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To: ArGee

70 posted on 01/04/2013 9:03:52 AM PST by ArGee (Reality - what a concept.)
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To: ArGee

71 posted on 01/04/2013 9:05:58 AM PST by ArGee (Reality - what a concept.)
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To: ArGee

72 posted on 01/04/2013 9:07:44 AM PST by ArGee (Reality - what a concept.)
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To: ArGee

Wouldn’t that be bagpipes?


73 posted on 01/04/2013 9:25:00 AM PST by Lucky9teen (Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading.~Thomas Jeffer)
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To: ArGee; Lucky9teen

74 posted on 01/04/2013 9:27:57 AM PST by BenLurkin (This is not a statement of fact. It is either opinion or satire; or both)
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To: verga

I like to goto Walmart and stand in line behind couples with babies and fart..
Then watch them check their babies diaper.


75 posted on 01/04/2013 9:33:36 AM PST by absolootezer0 (2x divorced tattooed pierced harley hatin meghan mccain luvin' REAL beer drinkin' smoker ..what?)
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To: absolootezer0
NYC has allowed in at least K-Mart, Target, and Home Depot. They it refuses to allow a Wal-Mart. I used to wonder why.

Now I think I know.

NYC's famed entertainment venues couldn't stand the competition.

76 posted on 01/04/2013 9:40:20 AM PST by ArGee (Reality - what a concept.)
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To: ZirconEncrustedTweezers

“how the rest of the country is being Californicated...”

Thanks a lot. Now I’ll have the song spinning around in my head the rest of the day.....

Dream of Californication.......Dream of Californation......


77 posted on 01/04/2013 9:42:03 AM PST by fredhead (It's my Herbie year...check out the number on the side of the famous VW.)
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To: fredhead

stoopid fingers cant spel, ether.....


78 posted on 01/04/2013 9:48:55 AM PST by fredhead (It's my Herbie year...check out the number on the side of the famous VW.)
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To: Lucky9teen
Mrs Pelosi's staff releases accurate but Photoshopped photo of her


79 posted on 01/04/2013 9:50:02 AM PST by llevrok (ObamaLand - Where young people go to retire.)
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To: llevrok
AHHHH!!!!


80 posted on 01/04/2013 9:55:27 AM PST by kosciusko51 (Enough of "Who is John Galt?" Who is Patrick Henry?)
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To: llevrok

Well, there went my appetite. And my breakfast.


81 posted on 01/04/2013 10:01:14 AM PST by ZirconEncrustedTweezers (Some cultures are destined to remain stupid and we need to quit trying to uplift them.)
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To: llevrok
Mrs Pelosi's staff releases accurate but Photoshopped photo of her

Thanks for that.

Excuse me while I go gouge out my eyes.

If it weren't for the more normal looking part below the neck I'd probably have to cut off my whole head.

82 posted on 01/04/2013 10:02:45 AM PST by ArGee (Reality - what a concept.)
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To: ArGee
How many rockers does it take to change a light bulb? Five. One to hold the bulb, 4 to drink until the room is spinning.

Substitute "Kennedys" for "rockers" and that joke still works.

83 posted on 01/04/2013 10:05:07 AM PST by Disambiguator
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To: llevrok
I wasn't going to post this...but you asked for it...

84 posted on 01/04/2013 10:07:46 AM PST by Lucky9teen (Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading.~Thomas Jeffer)
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To: Lucky9teen

like a glop of silly putty in a sunny window


85 posted on 01/04/2013 10:19:39 AM PST by llevrok (ObamaLand - Where young people go to retire.)
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To: llevrok
That looks like


86 posted on 01/04/2013 10:22:27 AM PST by fredhead (It's my Herbie year...check out the number on the side of the famous VW.)
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To: Lucky9teen
OK, OK, I'm sorry for the Sarah Jessica Parker posts.

There, I said I was sorry! Are you satisfied now? Please stop posting the pictures of liberal women!!!

87 posted on 01/04/2013 10:36:09 AM PST by ArGee (Reality - what a concept.)
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To: Lucky9teen; All

I wasn't going to post this...
but you asked for it...
G@WD!
YOU MADE US LOOK!

88 posted on 01/04/2013 10:40:58 AM PST by skinkinthegrass (who'll take tomorrow,spend it all today;who can take your income,tax it all away..0'Bozo man can :-)
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To: ArGee

I think that's going to take more than a banner ad to fix.

89 posted on 01/04/2013 10:48:04 AM PST by ArGee (Reality - what a concept.)
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To: ArGee
A tip for you guys. Never slide off the edge of a boat - especially in a speedo.


90 posted on 01/04/2013 10:49:22 AM PST by ArGee (Reality - what a concept.)
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To: ArGee
Don't laugh. This may be your definition of a luxury car in the next 2 years - thanks to the Fiscal Cliff deal.


91 posted on 01/04/2013 10:50:53 AM PST by ArGee (Reality - what a concept.)
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To: ArGee

how do you know a drummer is at your door?
then knocks get louder and faster.

how do clarinetists legally park in handicap spots?
they leave their case on the dashboard.

what does a tuba player say when he gets to his gig?
“do you want fries with that?”

how do you get a guitarist to play quieter?
give him music.

a young idiot wanted to join a band, but after trying many instruments, the band decided he was too stupid to play an actual instrument, so they gave him a pair of sticks and he became a drummer...
then he lost one and became a conducter.

so a music student opened a restaurant a while back and had a themed menu:
BBQ pulled Porkofiev . Marriage of Figarolls . Steakhausen . Elgarlic bread .
Ligeti and meatballs . Chicken Khatchaturian . James Levine ripened tomatoes .
Baby Bax ribs . Dvorak of lamb . Ives cream . Humperdinkel bread .
Veal-Lobos . Beeth-oven roasted chicken . Taco-mitsu . Esa-Pekka salami .
Chopin fried steak . Mousse-orgsky . Stravinsky lime pie .
Chicken Marsalis . Regertoni. Strawberio . Carmina banana .
Mozartichoke hearts . Creme Boulez. Dello jello .
Beverages : Jaegermeistersinger . Midori on the rocks . Prokoffee-ev.

i don’t know if i can Handel all the jokes. i must be Frank,it’s Strauss-ing me out and i’m getting a bit Lizst-less. it’s making Menotti. so Bach off, and Holst Orff on the jokes!

that’s it.. i’m done. i need some dessert. .some rainbow Shubert sounds good.


92 posted on 01/04/2013 10:51:22 AM PST by absolootezer0 (2x divorced tattooed pierced harley hatin meghan mccain luvin' REAL beer drinkin' smoker ..what?)
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To: absolootezer0
Caught ya. He can't have BBQ pulled Porkofiev and Prokoffee-ev in the same menu.

Didn't actually expect me to read all that, didja?

You can't be Bach. Schwarzenegger gets to be Bach. You have to be Handel.

93 posted on 01/04/2013 10:59:27 AM PST by ArGee (Reality - what a concept.)
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To: ArGee
I always wanted to produce my own film based on the Gospels. But I never liked those namby-pamby girly-men they keep finding to play Jesus. Jesus was a carpenter. In those days a carpenter would have had to be pretty strong, which is also supported by him driving everyone out of the Temple and turning over those tables without being challenged. He must have been a pretty big guy.

I'm thinking Arnold Schwarzenegger. I think he'd make a great Jesus. And then, right before he dies on the cross, he can say, "Ah'll be bahk."

Sort of gets ya', right here, dodn't it?

94 posted on 01/04/2013 11:03:00 AM PST by ArGee (Reality - what a concept.)
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To: ArGee

ah ha! top this one! (from marx brothers’ animal crackers)

Spaulding: What do you fellas get an hour?
Ravelli: For playing, we get-a ten dollars an hour.
Spaulding: I see. What do you get for not playing?
Ravelli: Twelve dollars an hour.
Spaulding: Well, clip me off a piece of that.
Ravelli: Now for rehearsing, we make special rate. That’s-a fifteen dollars an hour...That’s-a for rehearsing.
Spaulding: And what do you get for not rehearsing?
Ravelli: You couldn’t afford it. You see, if we don’t rehearse, we a-don’t play, and if we don’t play (he snaps his finger) - that runs into money.
Spaulding: How much would you want to run into an open manhole?
Ravelli: Just-a the cover charge! Ha, ha, ha.
Spaulding: Well, drop in some time.
Ravelli: Sewer.
Spaulding: Well, we cleaned that up pretty well.
Ravelli: Well, let’s see how-a we stand.
Spaulding: Flat-footed.
Ravelli: Yesterday, we didn’t come. (To Mrs. Rittenhouse) You remember, yesterday we didn’t come?
Spaulding: Oh, I remember.
Ravelli: Yes, that’s three hundred dollars.
Spaulding: Yesterday, you didn’t come, that’s three hundred dollars?
Ravelli: Yes, three hundred dollars.
Spaulding: Well, that’s reasonable. I can see that alright.
Ravelli: Now today, we did come. That’s-a (pause)..
Spaulding: That’s a hundred you owe us.
Ravelli: Hey, I bet I’m gonna lose on the deal. Tomorrow we leave. That’s worth about (pause)..
Spaulding: A million dollars.
Ravelli: Yeah, that’s alright for me, but I’ve got a partner.


95 posted on 01/04/2013 11:03:49 AM PST by absolootezer0 (2x divorced tattooed pierced harley hatin meghan mccain luvin' REAL beer drinkin' smoker ..what?)
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To: RightOnline; Revolting cat!; Slings and Arrows
Definition of an optimist: An accordion player with a pager.

When the pessimist heard opportunity knocking, he said "cut out that noise!"

96 posted on 01/04/2013 11:23:08 AM PST by a fool in paradise (America 2013 - STUCK ON STUPID)
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To: absolootezer0
Sadly, Abbot and Costello never did anything about music (at least that has been transcribed for the Internet). But I did find these.

Why are Violist's ears sought after for transplants?
They've never been used.

Why are Violas larger than Violins?
They're not; It's an optical illusion. Viola players have small heads.

What's the difference between a chainsaw and a Viola?
A chainsaw has a better chance at blending in a string quartet.

What do you call a Viola player with half a brain?
Gifted. (I thought that was a drummer?)

What do you call a Violist with more than one brain cell?
Pregnant.

Why are some Violists taking up the Accordion?
Upward mobility.

97 posted on 01/04/2013 11:25:30 AM PST by ArGee (Reality - what a concept.)
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To: absolootezer0

I love movie quotes.......

For anyone thinking of running from the police, they should consider the immortal words of one Elwood Blues:

“You can’t outrun a Motorola.” (Blues Brothers 2000)


98 posted on 01/04/2013 11:29:30 AM PST by fredhead (It's my Herbie year...check out the number on the side of the famous VW.)
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To: fredhead
I love movie quotes too. Here's one from "The Incredibles."

Helen: I can't believe you don't want to go to your own son's graduation.
Bob: It's not a graduation. He is moving from the 4th grade to the 5th grade.
Helen: It's a ceremony!
Bob: It's psychotic! They keep creating new ways to celebrate mediocrity, but if someone is genuinely exceptional...

99 posted on 01/04/2013 11:51:21 AM PST by ArGee (Reality - what a concept.)
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To: ArGee

An illegal alien, a socialist, and a Muslim walk into a bar. The bartender says “What can I get you, Mr President?”


100 posted on 01/04/2013 11:56:15 AM PST by Slings and Arrows (You can't have IngSoc without an Emmanuel Goldstein.)
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