FReeper Advice on Divorce

wac3rd ^ | 07-12-13 | wac3rd

[wac3rd]

I want some advice as to any FReepers who have gone through a divorce. We have good jobs, good health (I'm a little overweight - 245 lbs and 6'4") and two young kids, 6 and 2.

There is just no feeling there anymore, we just resent each other and there is no love or passion. We sleep apart, don't do date night and our social lives, other than family and kid/school/sports activities are apart.

I tried to get her to church, she isn't super religious, but spiritual (good person).

I live in the suburbs on San Francisco and feel really lonely after coming home, working long hours, and feeling unwanted. I love the kids so much but my wife is constantly complaining about something I do wrong.

I am tired of working so hard to have no connection with my spouse. After 10 years, we rarely are intimate and she is happier at a cooking class or bike riding with the girls than going to a movie, dinner or working out with me.

I wonder if any FReepers have been through this, I pray a lot asking what I can do, but she is so negative and never smiles when I am home. It is really tough.

Any advice would be appreciated.

[silverleaf]

this is great advice especially option 3!

OP you have 2 kids who adore you, for now stop pining for passion and focus first on what you do have and build from there

Coupes therapy or counseling would be good, if she wont do it go alone

BTW. You are a “little” overweight and this can be a physical turn off. Work on losing the weight, getting yourself fit, keep up personal hygiene (breath/BO), use advise and insights from counselor or pastor to help you boost your own self esteem

(if you are in depression get treatment)

Spend real quality time with your kids and develop one outside interest or hobby for yourself that gives you something to talk about! Cooking? Photography? Camping? Beachcombing?

And find one project around the house that needs done and work on it! Then another. Its your home! Remember- you can't change HER but you can change YOU and changing YOU may change her but at least it will be good for YOU

[Marie]

Hubby and I have been through this - a couple of times.

Between work, kids and everything else that life threw at us, at times, we ended up with some huge gaps.

The thing is to open up a conversation with her - in a nonhostile way so that she doesn’t get defensive. Tell her you miss her and ask her if she wants to work on this. That’s the start.

If she’s still invested then the two of you have to come up with a plan to make it work. Marriage counseling can help.

May I ask how the two of you came to be in separate bedrooms?

[Bikkuri]

Been through the whole mess.. will let all of the other FReepers speak for me though.. (I WILL say this though, it is NOT man friendly for the father/man back in the states :/)

Wish you the best (and my best advice is to stay together until the kids are out of the house.. they should always come first).. I am lousy at giving advice :/

[Hot Tabasco]

There must be 50 ways to leave your lover......

[Vision]

If it was me, before a big move like a divorce, I would get into physical shape. Join a gym. Go three times a week. Do an hour of cardio each day and in the beginning hire a trainer to help you work out to achieve what you want. Eat better during the week. Once you get into shape, start feeling better physically and about yourself in general, you then can see if this has an effect on your marriage. In the worse case you will be in a better, more clear position to make this decision.

God Bless.

[jocon307]

LOL, did you really? I shouldn’t laugh, but hubby and I got married to each other twice. No second divorce for us....yet.

He’ll never leave, he never left after the first divorce, I just have to keep him now.

He’s a big mush, under all his bluster, I will say that.

[jocon307]

“My old boss divorced an remarried his wife 9 times”

For real? That’s astonishing! I’ve never heard of anything like that. They’re like a one couple Larry King and Liz Taylor! Couldn’t they just do the renew the vows thing? It’s not a tax scam, is it? Amazing.

[9YearLurker]

So you’re both working, two young kids—demanding ages!

What percent of the childcare responsibilities would you say you’re carrying as well? What is your willingness to go on a bike ride or take a cooking class with your wife?

245 ain’t healthy and no matter how your marriage ends up you’d be better off with some healthy cooking and exercise. Seems like the sort of thing your wife would be supportive of as well.

If one person is living healthy and you’re not on the same page it’s easy to pull in the other direction.

Have you tried something as simple as 30 days moving in your wife’s direction? Could bring you closer together, lead her moving in your direction in response, and get yourself on a healthier track all at the same time.

Then, of course, there’s the counseling option. But with two small children and a good person as a wife, I hope you can hang in through and improve upon the rough patch here.

FReegards.

[MomwithHope]

Hubby and I have been married 35 years and have had our ups and downs. All I could think of when reading your post was how blessed you are. Count your blessings instead of seeing the half empty glass. Even is you both do it only for the kids it is worth it and by all means seek out counseling. If she is “spiritual” that’s a good sign. Start by praying daily yourself for God to show you the way, that you want to save your marriage. If you can, pray together. Perseverance pays off big time and when you are both old and gray having fun with your grandkids it will be worth it. If she wants to ride a bike or go to a cooking class say - that sounds good can I come along? God loves a selfless giver and pretty soon you will be giving to each other. Ok I’m off my soapbox, and will pray for you both. Please don’t give up.

[D Rider]

You know, most of my married friends say the same thing. The women become mean, distant...read weird books, take yoga, eat crazy healthy stuff and are angry and resentful.

I wish we could be close again. I hate being alone when I’m married.

We are all married to the same woman. That is why divorce and re-marriage seldom works.

[mlizzy]

...working long hours...

I am tired of working so hard to have no connection with my spouse.

...I work a lot...

Is it necessary that you work so much? In other words, if you're barely around, are you easily forgotten too?

That being said, my only sure-fire advice is to seek Him constantly (more than you are already doing). Little prayers throughout the day are good, "Jesus, please help me; Jesus, I love you."

We attend Eucharistic Adoration (even if you're not Catholic, it's of great benefit, as it's a quiet place to pray), and one priest told my husband you never know how many men have come to Adoration after a fight with their wives, thinking about divorce, but change their minds after spending time with God. Again, if you're not Catholic, I realize you wouldn't believe Jesus is in your presence "quite literally," BUT regardless, Jesus will be with you through your prayers there. Stop by for even just five minutes: http://www.therealpresence.org/chap_fr.htm

And even though you are in good health, you might want to get a standard check up. If anything, it will be showing your wife you care about yourself (thus, the family).

Remember, it's only the devil who wants you to back out. Jesus is the better alternative. :)

[Squantos]

I love married women . Somebody has to...... <. /sarcasm>

Stay safe !

[tiki]

Love waxes and wanes, it changes, it goes away, it comes back, it turns to hate, indifference, disgust it isn’t a bed of roses or a perpetual high.

If you really love your kids you will do anything to prevent a divorce.

[tiki]

I forgot to add that if you get divorced you will be working to pay child support, rarely get to see your kids.

[rlmorel]

Seriously. If you and your wife and look at this and laugh together, it means you are okay.

TO quote...life isn't a bowl of cherries, but it is your life, and you did make a promise. And so did she. My parents had it out with each other for years, she packed her bags a few times. He was a functional alcoholic most of his life, of French, Irish, English and Scottish ancestry, and was always cool and remote. She was the hot tempered unpredictable one of Italian and Armenian blood, and she raised us while dad was at sea.

But 15 years before my dad died, he kicked alcohol, and it was wonderful to see. They finally understood the dynamic of a good marriage, after all those years.

The understood and accepted that you don't GIVE something to the other person because they GIVE something to you...

You SURRENDER something, because SHE surrenders something for you.

The success of the marriage is about the other person, not you. If you can both figure out how to do that, you can save your marriage.

Marriage isn't about hopping into the sack. It is about respect. Love comes in many guises, and when you start out, as the sign above says, it comes in the lovely form of a man on bended knee offering a ring to a pretty girl with tears in her eyes. It also arrives years later with two people holding hands in a store, laughing while looking at a sign like the one above, each nowhere near as attractive as they used to be, but seeing the humor and truth in the sign, and feeling closer because of it!

That's love, my friend.

[utahagen]

Start by having date nights once a week, every week. Tell your wife you want to get to know her again. Get a babysitter and go out to dinner on Saturday night. You need to revitalize your marriage, and one date a week will go a long way. Good luck.

[wintertime]

that God made man the INITIATOR and woman the RESPONDER. ( ladyL)
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

wac3rd,

LadyL is absolutely correct.

Are you being physically affectionate in a casual manner with your wife throughout your entire time together? Just touching a hand, an quick hug, a brush on the shoulder with your hand as you pass by her chair, lingering a little longer with her hand when passing the salt?

Casual affection is **very** very** very** important in a marriage and thankfully my husband is a master at doing this.

Little inexpensive surprises for no reason at all are very welcome. Just yesterday my husband greeted me with a package of tacos. He was in the Supermarket and picked them up knowing that I like them. Have you ever stopped to pick wildflowers along the side of the road just to give your wife a surprise? Is there a warm smile on your face for your wife when you come home from work?

And...I bet your wife and the girls would just love it if you joined them in biking.

Are you helping to read to the children in the evening and helping to get them ready for bed? Do you take time with the kids to pray with them before bed? Do the kids have an **early** bedtime so that you and your wife have time to be alone together just to rest and recharge? My preschoolers were asleep at 7 p.m. Even as older children the rule was that they were in their rooms reading by 7 p.m. That gave my husband and I about 2 hours of “rest and recharge” time in the evening. Have good daily routines for the children are very important in reducing stress on you and your wife.

Also,....Are you taking time to have a weekly date night. My husband and I have done this for 31 years. It can be very simple. Recently, my husband and I have been going out for one slice of pizza at the local Costco. When the kids were little and money was tight just the cost of one or two hours of baby sitting was **well** worth the expense even if date night was a ice cream at Mc Donalds.

Regarding: “Working Out”
If you have 4 or 5 hours of free time during the day, and 2 of those hours are spent “working out” and getting to and from the gym, that is 50% of you free time taken from your wife and girls. My suggestion is that you find ways to naturally fit exercise into your daily routine. If you have a break or lunch time at work walk around the block a few times. Give this some serious and creative thought. Yes, we need exercise to be healthy but does it need to be at a gym?

Finally....Love is a VERB. It is an action word. So...Love ( action) your wife as you would like her to love you. Continue your attendance at church and increasing your spirituality. Take the children with you. Pray for your wife and hopefully she will be prompted to join you.

[RoadGumby]

Good morning wac, at least it is here in east TN.

Your post has struck a chord in me that I need to answer.

First, let me say that my heart goes out to you and your wife. Nothing crumbles in a day, not a castle, not a man, not a marriage. So, this place you find yourself in has been a journey, a process of steps. Give that lots of thought, try to identify the things, the words, the hurts, that have gotten you to where you are and then undo them, nullify them, forgive them, whatever it takes.

Marriage is an important thing, to be held in high esteem and preserved if at all possible. Having said that, as people, sometimes that is not possible.

I am still newly married after a failed marriage, I am now also saved by Christ. This time around its different. I am now trying at all costs to live by Gods word. And that word tells me “Love your wife as Jesus loved the church.”

Can you picture that Love wac? It breaks my heart that, as much as I love my wife, I don’t come close to loving her the same as Jesus loves me. I know, beyond a doubt, that I annoyed Him, angered Him, disappointed Him, hurt Him, and more. And yet He’s not left me, not forsaken me. Knowing that, how can I do less?

It is telling that the Bible tells husbands “Love your wives” and yet does not have those words for wives. Regardless, it is incumbent on the husband to Love.

My wife and I had a pretty good fuss a while back, I left the house in an angry cloud to get some air. I can tell you, when I stopped to take some air and quiet down, I heard inside, clearly, “Love her anyway” and while the words were not there, the inferred words were “The same way I have loved you.”

Wac, I will pray for you, that the Lord would give you strength and love and patience. Seek Him, ask his help. And at the same time, take a moment or two and try to remember why you fell in love in the first place. What was it that made you crazy about this woman. Try mending some fences, love her unconditionally, show her that you do. It is an action even more than a feeling.

Peace wac3rd, you are much prayed for. One freeper to another.

[Onelifetogive]

My wife and I went thru some tough years about then, too. We are now at 22 years and happier than ever.

I’d advise:

Make sure she knows you are committed to the relationship no matter what. Make her feel secure.
Put the kids first. (With kids, you’ll deal with her for the next 20 years together or apart.)
Woo her again. Life’s not fair. She should be an equal partner, but if she’s not, she’s still the gatekeeper to your kids.
Woo her friends. Have then telling her what a great guy she has. (Have a surprise party for her and her friends, cook, serve, let them do girl stuff, then make yourself scarce. Or arrange a spa day with her and her friends.)