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Eating While Driving Significantly Increases Chances Of A Car Accident, Experts Say
CBSLA.com) ^ | November 11, 2013 11:15 PM

Posted on 11/12/2013 7:48:38 AM PST by BenLurkin

LOS ANGELES (CBSLA.com) — Experts say eating while driving can increase a motorist’s chances of a car accident by 80 percent.

Ryan Harrison, an editor in Burbank, said long hours at work means more time in his car.

“I’d rather just eat on the way home, so I’m killing two birds with one stone,” he said. “I would make scrambled eggs before I go to work and then I’d eat them on the way to work, and I’d also eat yogurt. It’s definitely convenience.”

With so little time and so much traffic, Los Angeles freeways have turned Harrison’s car into a personal dining room.

“There is so much traffic here that you have to drive so slowly and there are so many stop lights,” he said. “I need to eat while I’m driving just to save time.”

Officer Juan Galvan of the California Highway Patrol office in Glendale said that while Harrison’s behavior isn’t illegal, it is unsafe.

“Usually when people take a bite and if they spill, what’s your first reaction? Your first reaction is to let go of the steering wheel or drop whatever it is you’re doing because you want to clean up the mess you possibly caused,” Galvan said.

Law enforcement officials say much like texting and driving, eating also falls under the category of distracted driving.

Asked if the CHP has seen an increase in drivers who eat, Galvan said, “We did have a [Distracted Driving Awareness Month] in April. Over 10,000 enforcement contacts were made and over 240 citations were issued for an unsafe speed related to distracted driving. So, quite possibly, there could have been a good majority that were eating.”

The officer added, “We don’t have a specific section, but for somebody that is eating while driving, now we can go with the unsafe speed section. What is the safe speed for you to eat and drive? The safe speed is ‘zero.’”

Harrison said there’s more to the distracted driving debate than just taking a bite behind the wheel.

“If they make it so you can’t eat and drive, they should take away being able to put on make-up. I’m not going to be eating my hamburger if I’m trying to get across six lanes of traffic and avoid pedestrians and stuff,” he said.

Distracted drivers can be cited anywhere from $100 to $500, or even more.


TOPICS: Weird Stuff
KEYWORDS: duh; riskybehavior
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woooooo........."experts"
1 posted on 11/12/2013 7:48:38 AM PST by BenLurkin
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To: BenLurkin

So do kids cause distraction.....experts - ha!


2 posted on 11/12/2013 7:49:58 AM PST by svcw (Not 'hope and change' but 'dopes in chains')
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To: BenLurkin
Duly noted. I filed it under DUH!

3 posted on 11/12/2013 7:53:04 AM PST by BitWielder1 (Corporate Profits are better than Government Waste)
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To: BenLurkin
I was on I75 going towards Dayton and a guy passed me by reading a USA Today newspaper draped over his steering wheel.

Nice demographic if you can get it.

4 posted on 11/12/2013 7:53:43 AM PST by Zuben Elgenubi
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To: BenLurkin

Experts. Sounds like the findings from a multi-million dollar, government funded study. The true “experts” are the ones who are smart enough to get grants to do studies with obvious answers.


5 posted on 11/12/2013 7:54:31 AM PST by Starboard
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To: BenLurkin

I am also an expert!

Driving cars causes accidents therefore ban cars.


6 posted on 11/12/2013 7:56:25 AM PST by mountainlion (Live well for those that did not make it back.)
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To: svcw

Yeah. I know my siblings sure did.

Of course my Dad never took his eyes off the road — he simply reached back with one hand and pinched whoever he got his hands on first. And he was a quick sob, too.


7 posted on 11/12/2013 7:56:29 AM PST by BenLurkin (This is not a statement of fact. It is either opinion or satire; or both.)
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To: BenLurkin

Get em up against the wall.


8 posted on 11/12/2013 7:56:33 AM PST by mmichaels1970
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To: BenLurkin

I like how some people think that your car exerts some sort of privacy shield. I watched a good looking gals go one knuckle deep the other day at a stop light. She had tinted windows but didn’t think about all the back lighting from the storefront next to us.


9 posted on 11/12/2013 7:57:18 AM PST by Resolute Conservative
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To: BenLurkin
Eating While Driving Significantly Increases Chances Of A Car Accident, Experts Say

WOW how insightful. Anything that distracts you from paying full attention to your driving increases the chances of an accident DUH.

10 posted on 11/12/2013 7:59:04 AM PST by from occupied ga (Your government is your most dangerous enemy)
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To: BenLurkin

Only people who are stupid eat, comb, phone or text while driving. When I get beside them I hit the horn long and loud.


11 posted on 11/12/2013 7:59:26 AM PST by Rapscallion (The people of the lie compel you to buy Obamacare.)
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To: BenLurkin
But the KFC Go Cups fit right in the cupholder! Surely the study didn't take that into account.


12 posted on 11/12/2013 8:03:13 AM PST by Boogieman
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To: BenLurkin

Oh yeah!! These folks are “experts” on eating and driving your car. HAHAHAHHAHHHAH!!!!!!!


13 posted on 11/12/2013 8:05:09 AM PST by 4yearlurker (Some poeple say that experts agree!!)
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To: BenLurkin

Hahahahahahahahaha!

When we were kids back in the early sixties (we had six, and my dad was at sea most of the time, so you can imagine how stressed out my mom was) we would call my mom “Old Leadfoot”.

When we were acting up, she would take that 1964 Chrysler New Yorker station wagon with the 500 cubic inch engine up to about 100 mph, and we would cry “Mom! Slow down!” with tears in our eyes, and she would yell back “I’m not slowing down until you behave!”

And we would behave.

Now, she would likely be in jail for child abuse!

(She lined us all up one day, and pretended to call an orphanage to take us, because she couldn’t handle us anymore! Bawling, we cried “Mom! Please don’t send us to the orphanage!”

LOL, I admire her originality! (God rest her soul!)


14 posted on 11/12/2013 8:05:11 AM PST by rlmorel ("A nation, despicable by its weakness, forfeits even the privilege of being neutral." A. Hamilton)
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To: BenLurkin

When I eat while driving I stop texting, searching for a cd and put my beer in the cup holder. Much safer./sarc


15 posted on 11/12/2013 8:05:14 AM PST by cork (Remember Bengazi!)
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To: BenLurkin

I suppose it might be a little distracting for some to eat a steak and potato entre while crusing down the turnpike but surely a simple bowl of soup should be doable.


16 posted on 11/12/2013 8:05:38 AM PST by WinMod70
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To: Boogieman

Apparently KFC did!


17 posted on 11/12/2013 8:05:39 AM PST by BenLurkin (This is not a statement of fact. It is either opinion or satire; or both.)
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To: BenLurkin

Why, I never would have guessed this. I am sure glad I was told about it now by experts.


18 posted on 11/12/2013 8:06:07 AM PST by dforest
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To: rlmorel

LOL! Great stories. Thanks. :)


19 posted on 11/12/2013 8:06:38 AM PST by trisham (Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkis.)
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To: BenLurkin

So does looking in your rear mirror, futzing with the audio entertainment center, watching the portable DVD player that’s mounted on the dash, watching or manipulating the GPS, children sitting in the backseat that need to be backhanded for causing problems to their fellow siblings, smoking, and on and on and on.


20 posted on 11/12/2013 8:07:45 AM PST by Jack Hydrazine (I’m not a Republican, I'm a Conservative! Pubbies haven't been conservative since before T.R.)
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To: BenLurkin

Are the “experts” looking for cars to be required to have a sterile cockpit like they have by law under FAR 121 or 135?


21 posted on 11/12/2013 8:09:19 AM PST by Jack Hydrazine (I’m not a Republican, I'm a Conservative! Pubbies haven't been conservative since before T.R.)
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To: BenLurkin
Back in my younger days I worked in DC and took the Dulles Toll road into work every day (not an easy road to drive, even when you gave it your full attention). It was amazing some of the things I use to see, I've seen people with their morning newspaper spread out over the steering wheel as they weaved down the road at about 60mph, people working on a laptop computer while driving (this was the days before smartphones and tablets). etc.
22 posted on 11/12/2013 8:09:58 AM PST by apillar
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To: Rapscallion

So everyone is stupid? Cause anyone who claims not to have done something besides driving while driving is a liar.


23 posted on 11/12/2013 8:10:41 AM PST by driftdiver (I could eat it raw, but why do that when I have a fire.)
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To: WinMod70

The top 10 food offenders in a car are:

Coffee: It always finds a way out of the cup.
Hot soup: Many people drink it like coffee and run the same risks.
Tacos: “A food that can disassemble itself without much help, leaving your car looking like a salad bar,” says Hagerty.
Chili: The potential for drips and slops down the front of clothing is significant.
Hamburgers: From the grease of the burger to ketchup and mustard, it could all end up on your hands, your clothes, and the steering wheel.
Barbecued food: The same issue arises for barbecued foods as for hamburgers. The sauce may be great, but if you have to lick your fingers, the sauce will end up on whatever you touch.
Fried chicken: Another food that leaves you with greasy hands, which means constantly wiping them on something, even if it’s your shirt. It also makes the steering wheel greasy.
Jelly or cream-filled donuts: Has anyone eaten a jelly donut without some of the center oozing out? Raspberry jelly can be difficult at best to remove from material.
Soft drinks: Not only are they subject to spills, but also the carbonated kind can fizz as you’re drinking if you make sudden movements, and most of us remember cola fizz in the nose from childhood. It isn’t any more pleasant now.
Chocolate: Like greasy foods, chocolate coats the fingers as it melts against the warmth of your skin, and leaves its mark anywhere you touch. As you try to clean it off the steering wheel you’re likely to end up swerving.

Source: http://www.insure.com/car-insurance/driver-distractions.html

Reads like satire — but I think they are serious.


24 posted on 11/12/2013 8:10:55 AM PST by BenLurkin (This is not a statement of fact. It is either opinion or satire; or both.)
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To: BenLurkin
Don't text and drive
25 posted on 11/12/2013 8:12:36 AM PST by ShadowAce (Linux -- The Ultimate Windows Service Pack)
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To: WinMod70

I saw a woman behind me at a light, eating a bowl of cereal. Spoon and everything. I would be worried about spilling the whole dang thing and having that spoiled milk smell in the car forever. She looked like an old pro at it.


26 posted on 11/12/2013 8:13:02 AM PST by happilymarriedmom
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To: svcw

Yogurt and eggs while driving? Is he actually eating with a fork/spoon? That is insane, but I don’t think it is the norm-most of us drink coffee from a covered cup, or water from a plastic bottle-but we don’t do makeup or dine in there...

“Kids cause distraction” That’s for sure-but they were certainly less of one when they were in the carseat/belted in up front where you could glance over at a stoplight and give them a word to “calm down right now, or I’ll pull over...” which always worked for me. I think it is a major hazard to have them out of sight in the back, able to get loose and into mischief...


27 posted on 11/12/2013 8:16:41 AM PST by Texan5 ("You've got to saddle up your boys, you've got to draw a hard line"...)
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To: ShadowAce

Oh my!


28 posted on 11/12/2013 8:16:55 AM PST by BenLurkin (This is not a statement of fact. It is either opinion or satire; or both.)
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To: BenLurkin

Manifold Destiny: The One! The Only! Guide to Cooking on Your Car Engine!

 photo 51c013M7PL_SY344_PJlook-inside-v2TopRight10_SH20_BO1204203200__zpsf040786e.jpg

29 posted on 11/12/2013 8:16:59 AM PST by Zeneta
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To: BenLurkin

What is the safe speed for you to eat and drive? The safe speed is ‘zero.’”


So Mr. Safety is advocating zero mph while eating on the interstate?


30 posted on 11/12/2013 8:18:28 AM PST by loungitude (The truth hurts.)
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To: from occupied ga

Hahahahaha...I almost wrecked my car one night driving home from work.

A spider decided to lower himself down right in front of my face.

Probably two inches in front of my face.

Now, I had an experience when I was six or seven where I tried to crawl through a drainage pipe under a road. I got about halfway through and it got too narrow, and I couldn’t go forward. I was stuck trying to go back, and as I tried, I turned my head and had cobwebs all over my shoulder. Caught in one of them was a big daddy long-legs. (at six, all spiders are huge) I went ballistic and began screaming...my brother climbed in after me, pulled me out by my legs, and I ran up the road, swatting at the cobwebs, but every time I looked, that daddy long-legs was still there. I was jumping in the air, twirling, swatting, and, well...it took me well into adulthood before I got pretty much over it.

That spider lowering itself overrrode my psychological defenses long enough to make me swerve my car wildly from side to side before pulling onto the shoulder where I jumped out of the car swearing up a blue streak!

I know. It is just a little spider, but good God, the damned thing surprised me...


31 posted on 11/12/2013 8:19:01 AM PST by rlmorel ("A nation, despicable by its weakness, forfeits even the privilege of being neutral." A. Hamilton)
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To: Jack Hydrazine

“children sitting in the backseat that need to be backhanded for causing problems to their fellow siblings”

LMAO-you read my mind...


32 posted on 11/12/2013 8:19:28 AM PST by Texan5 ("You've got to saddle up your boys, you've got to draw a hard line"...)
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To: BenLurkin

Second biggest distraction: stopping at Wendy’s when you have two dogs in the back seat, and they finish their bacon cheeseburgers before you finish yours.

Biggest distraction: driving anywhere, doing anything, stopping at anyplace, with three kids in the back seat.

Ask me how I know! :-(


33 posted on 11/12/2013 8:22:02 AM PST by ottbmare (the OTTB mare, now a proud Marine Mom)
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To: BenLurkin

Used to spend several hours a day on the road, so I always ate in the car. But at least I’d stop first.


34 posted on 11/12/2013 8:22:34 AM PST by Hardraade (http://junipersec.wordpress.com/2013/10/04/nicolae-hussein-obama/)
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To: BenLurkin

The thing that ALWAYS AMAZES me is the “Law-Enforcment” Type ALWAYS lecture us about destracted driving. HAVE ANY of you seen the inside of a modern cop car/truck/suv? Talk about DETRACTED!


35 posted on 11/12/2013 8:23:39 AM PST by US Navy Vet (Go Packers! Go Rockies! Go Boston Bruins! See, I'm "Diverse"!)
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To: rlmorel

I love Spiders.

If I find one hanging from a single silk thread, I like to grab the thread and play “Yo-Yo” with the spider.


36 posted on 11/12/2013 8:24:55 AM PST by Zeneta
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To: BenLurkin

When I first started driving back in the 50’s I was a pretty fast driver, and the police were out to get me.

One day my mother borrowed my car and got stopped by the police for drinking a coke. They charged her with failure to pay full time and attention to her driving. She never borrowed my car again.


37 posted on 11/12/2013 8:25:08 AM PST by Venturer (Keep Obama and you aint seen nothing yet.)
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To: BenLurkin

duh

so do blow jobs

and reaching around to swat kids

and texting

or looking at maps...does anyone but me ever do that..a big Rand on west still beats a phone

or putting on make up...girls...lol...man the reals pros can yak on the phone and have that mirror down sideways and split their brain literally...while driving down I-65

i think they grow fins too


38 posted on 11/12/2013 8:25:20 AM PST by wardaddy (i loved White Queen)
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To: driftdiver

hahaha...yeah.

Although I will say this: I NEVER, ever, text. And I will only RARELY talk on a phone, and only if I have to because I am on call and it is a patient care issue. And if I do, I am acutely aware that I am compromised. I can’t do those things, because they change the way I perceive my surroundings.

But I eat and drink with impunity.

And if I am doing something like changing a song or something like that, I stop all things I am thinking about except driving, concentrate on the sequence of tasks I have to do, assess my surroundings and do them while keeping tabs.


39 posted on 11/12/2013 8:26:39 AM PST by rlmorel ("A nation, despicable by its weakness, forfeits even the privilege of being neutral." A. Hamilton)
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To: happilymarriedmom

One upsmanship I saw a woman shaving her legs while driving - looked about mid to late 20s. She had her leg up on the dash behind the steering wheel. Nice legs and nice underwear too, but surely she could have done that before she left home.


40 posted on 11/12/2013 8:26:49 AM PST by from occupied ga (Your government is your most dangerous enemy)
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To: Zeneta

LOL, I can even do that now, but...if it gets on me, it is immediate death with prejudice.

That said, I prefer to let them escape OUTSIDE my house. They can live in the house for all I care, but if the damn thing walks on me, I have to hunt it down and kill it.


41 posted on 11/12/2013 8:28:26 AM PST by rlmorel ("A nation, despicable by its weakness, forfeits even the privilege of being neutral." A. Hamilton)
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To: from occupied ga
"...surely she could have done that before she left home..."

But if she had done that, surely we wouldn't have had the pleasure...:)

42 posted on 11/12/2013 8:29:30 AM PST by rlmorel ("A nation, despicable by its weakness, forfeits even the privilege of being neutral." A. Hamilton)
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To: Texan5

It’s a great way to warm up for that tennis game! LOL!


43 posted on 11/12/2013 8:31:07 AM PST by Jack Hydrazine (I’m not a Republican, I'm a Conservative! Pubbies haven't been conservative since before T.R.)
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To: BenLurkin

This article, that was written in the late 1980s, helps to illustrate the problem.


High-Speed Performance Characteristics of Pickup Trucks
by P. J. O’Rourke

I’m an experienced pickup truck driver. I was driving my pickup the other Saturday night after having -as I made very clear to the police- hardly anything to drink and while going -honest, officer- about thirty miles an hour when, I swear, a deer ran into the road, and I was forced to pull off the highway with such abruptness that it took the wrecker crew six hours to get my truck out of the woods.

An experienced pickup truck driver is a person who’s wrecked one. An inexperienced pickup truck driver is a person who’s about to wreck one. A very inexperienced pickup truck driver doesn’t even own a pickup but will probably be mistaken for a wild antelope by people jack-lighting pronghorns in somebody else’s pickup truck. The foremost high-speed-handling characteristic of pickup trucks is the remarkably high speed with which they head from wherever you are directly into trouble. This has to do with beer. The minute you get in a pickup you want a beer. I’m not exactly sure why this is, but personally I blame it on Jimmy Carter having been President.

You see, everyone in America has always wanted to be a redneck. That’s why all those wig-and-knicker colonial guys moved to Kentucky with Davy Crockett even before he got his TV show. And witness aristocratic young Theodore Roosevelt’s attempt to be a “rough rider.” Even Henry James used the same last name as his peckerwood cousin Jesse. And as Henry James would tell you, if anyone read him anymore and also if he were still alive, the single most prominent distinguishing feature of the redneck is that he drives a pickup truck. This explains why all of us are muscling these things around downtown Minneapolis and Cincinnati.

You may be wondering where Jimmy Carter comes in. Well, Jimmy Carter was a redneck just like we’re all trying to be, but he was a sober redneck. Most of us had never seen a sober redneck, and we have the Reagan landslide to testify that none of us ever want to see one again. It was a horrifying apparition. And ever since Jimmy Carter all of us rednecks have had to be very careful to be drunk rednecks lest we turn into some kind of awful creature with big buck teeth and a State Department full of human-rights yahoos.

Thus the pickup truck has become the world’s only beer guided motor vehicle. Let’s examine one unit of this guidance system. Let’s examine another. Let’s examine the whole six-pack. Now let’s drive over and see if any ducks have come in on Hodge Pond. Whoops! Crash! Forgot the camper back wasn’t bolted down.

THE PICKUP: DESIGN AND ENGINEERING

A pickup truck is basically a back porch with an engine attached. Both a pickup and a back porch are good places to drink beer because you can take a leak standing up from either. Pickup trucks are generally a little faster downhill than back porches, with the exception of certain California back porches during mudslide season. But back porches get better gas mileage.

Another important difference between back porches and pickup trucks is the suspension systems. Back porches are most often seated firmly on the ground by means of cement-block foundations. Nothing nearly that sophisticated is used in pickup trucks. The front suspension of a modern pickup truck is fully independent. Each wheel is independently bolted right to the frame. The rear suspension is a live axle usually attached by a rope to someone else’s bumper while he tries to pull you out of the woods.

This suspension design is ideal for use in conjunction with the pickup’s 100 percent front/0 percent rear weight distribution. This weight distribution is achieved through engine placement. The engine is placed just where you’d place it on a back porch: hanging off one end so you can get under it and take a look at the giant dent in the oil pan you got when you ran over the patio furniture last night.

Theoretically such forward-weight bias should cause gross understeer. But everyone involved with pickup trucks is whooping it up too much to have any grasp of theory, so the forward-weight bias causes oversteer instead. What happens to an unloaded pickup truck in a curve is that the rear end has nothing to do-is unemployed, metaphorically speaking-so it comes around to ask you for work, up there in the front of the truck where all the weight is. And the result is exactly like one of those revolving restaurants that they have on hotels except it’s on four bald snow tires instead of a hotel, and it’s in the middle of the highway, and it tips over.

In order to correct this handling problem, the pickup’s load bed is filled with leaf mulch, garden loam, hundred-pound bags of dog food, two snowmobiles, half a cord of birch logs, your son’s Cub Scout pack, and a used refrigerator to put beer in out on the back porch. The result is an adjusted weight bias of 0 percent front/100 percent rear that causes a handling problem different from either understeer or oversteer, which is no steering at all because the front wheels aren’t touching the ground.

The same kind of thinking that went into pickup truck suspension design has also been applied to the pickup engine, which is basically the same device Jim Watt was using to pump water out of coal mines in 1810 except that, in accordance with recent EPA rulings, a hanky soaked in Pinsol has been stuffed into each cylinder to cut down on exhaust emissions. There are three types of pickup truck engines: the six-cylinder engine, which does not have enough cylinders; the eight-cylinder engine, which has too many; and the four-cylinder engine, which is found in “mini pickups” driven by people who think John Denver is the right kind of redneck to be and believe they can talk to whales. The less said about four-cylinder engines the better. But all these engines have a common fault in that they continue to run after the ignition has been switched off, a phenomenon known as “dieseling.” Engines that actually are diesels have been introduced for pickup trucks and they rectify this problem by not starting in the first place.

It doesn’t matter. The real power for pickup trucks is generated inside the gearbox, or at least it seems to be because it’s so noisy in there. And if it isn’t, it soon will be after you get blotto and start shifting without the clutch.

There are usually five gears in a pickup. One is a mystery gear which is illustrated on the shift knob but cannot be found. Then there is first gear, which is good for getting stuck in the woods.

When you aren’t stuck in the woods it’s good for yanking your bumper off while trying to help a friend who owns a pickup when he’s stuck in the woods. First gear has a top speed of three. Third gear has a slightly higher top speed but you can’t climb a speed bump without downshifting and the truck still only gets eight mpg. It is not known exactly what third gear is for. All normal pickup truck driving is done in second. Pickups also have a reverse gear, which is good for getting more completely stuck in the woods than first gear can do alone.

Because pickup trucks get stuck in the woods so often, four wheel drive has become a popular option. The four-wheel-drive feature is either operated by a lever which fails to put the truck in 4WD or by a lever which fails to take it out. Four-wheel drive allows you to mire four wheels axle-deep in the woods instead of just two.

Perhaps the most novel aspect to pickup truck engineering is that pickups have no brakes. True, there is a parking brake which, if you set it, allows you to let your driverless pickup roll downhill into a busy intersection with a clear conscience. And there is a brake pedal, but stepping on it only produces a poignant desire for one more beer before you crash into the woods. There are, however, a number of methods of bringing a pickup truck to a stop, most of them involving trees in those woods, but sometimes the spare tire, which hangs down behind the bumper in the back, will fall partly out of its mounting and produce drag force. And very often a pickup will run out of gas and coast to a stop. And right in front of a bar too-according to what you told your wife.

That just goes to show how thoroughgoing the relationship is between pickups and drinking. I mean it sure looks like these things were designed by people who’d been drinking. And the level of finish indicates they were built by people who’d been drinking. It only stands to reason they should be driven by people like us who are half in the bag. As a result, the most popular pickup truck performance modification is-you guessed it-having a drink. For instance, at sixty miles an hour take a tight turn and notice that if you hadn’t been tight you never would have taken that turn in the first place. Now you call a wrecker and I’ll go get some tall ones.

DRIVING TECHNIQUE

Driving a pickup at high speed is a difficult skill to master. The first step is to assume the proper driving position: Use one hand to firmly grasp the drip rail on the roof. This takes the place of shoulder harness, lap belt, and air bag and lets you give the finger to people with anti-handgun bumper stickers on their cars. Then place your other hand on the gearshift knob so you’ll always know what gear you’re in (which is second, as I pointed out before). Now take your third hand ... Perhaps some picture of the difficulty is beginning to emerge. Anyway, be sure to balance your beer can carefully in your lap.

The second step is to drive over to the 7-Eleven and get more beer. Use your down vest to mop up the one you spilled all over your crotch as you backed out the driveway. The third step is cornering technique. There are three ways to take a high-speed curve in a pickup. The first way is to use the traditional racecar driver’s “late apex”: Go deep into the curve at full speed doing all your downshifting and useless brake-pedal pumping in a straight line. Then, in one smooth motion, turn the wheel to the full extent necessary for the curve. Aim for an apex slightly past the geometrical apex of the inside edge of the curve and slowly bring the steering wheel back to straight-ahead as you reapply the throttle. This will put your truck into the woods. The second way to take a fast curve is to come into the curve slightly slower, dial in a greater amount of steering, and stay on the throttle so as to propel the truck into a “power slide.” This will put your truck in the woods too. The third method is to come to a full stop before entering the curve and have a beer. While you’re doing that someone else will come along in another pickup truck and knock you into the woods anyway.

Now that you’ve wrecked a pickup and are an experienced pickup truck driver, it’s important to know what to tell the police. Tell them a deer ran into the road. This happens very frequently in the places where we rednecks live, especially when we’ve been drinking. For example, below are the five most common explanations made to the North Carolina Highway Patrol by drivers who have put their pickup trucks into the woods:

1. A deer ran into the road.

2. A deer ran into the road.

3. A deer ran into the road.

4. A deer ran into the road.

5. I was stopped at a stop sign but I had to start up again real fast and run my pickup into the woods because otherwise it would have been smashed by this deer that ran into the road.

PURCHASE, REPAIR, AND MAINTENANCE OF

THE HIGH-PERFORMANCE PICKUP TRUCK

If, however, you still haven’t wrecked a pickup truck and are weighing the obvious delights of having an opportunity to do so against such considerations as wanting to be a redneck but only having enough money to be middle-class or having a wife who thought she was marrying a college-educated account executive, here are some points for you to consider. First, how much will a pickup truck cost?

Pickup

$9360.00

Beer

$2.89

Another pickup to replace first one that you wreck

$9360.00

VW Rabbit for wife, who won’t drive truck

$8750.00

TOTAL

$27,472.89

That’s a fair piece of change. But on the other hand, pickup trucks are virtually maintenance-free. In fact, all pickup repairs can be done with a long chain. Attach one end of the chain to the pickup truck, drop the other end of the chain on the ground, and go buy a real car.

You may also want to know if a pickup truck is truly useful. I’m afraid the answer is yes -all too much so.
UTILITY COMPARISON: Pickup vs. Real Car

USE

- Brush hauling

PICK-UP

Yes, I’ll do it tomorrow.

REAL CAR

Good excuse not to haul brush

- Taking trash to dump

PICK-UP

Really, I’ll do it tomorrow. The Falcons are playing Dallas.

REAL CAR

Call Goodwill.

- Furniture loads

PICK-UP

Room for five-piece bedroom set and expensive oriental rug.

REAL CAR

Have plenty of furniture already, don’t need any more.

But, when all is said and done, it really would have looked silly at the end of Easy Rider if Peter Fonda and Dennis Hooper had been shot by a couple of guys in a Fiat Brava. And what’s life for if you never get a chance to shoot the likes of Peter Fonda and Dennis Hopper? Besides, you’ll never really appreciate the profound and astonishing beauties of nature if you don’t get stuck in the woods now and then. And you won’t appreciate them half as much if you don’t have a lot of beer along.


44 posted on 11/12/2013 8:34:07 AM PST by Disambiguator
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To: happilymarriedmom

Once, my husband called me at work to meet him at for a party at HIS work-he’d forgotten about it, and although I had a dress and heels in the truck in case of picky customers, I had no hose, so I stopped at a dollar store in my mad rush to the gathering-I put on a pair of pantyhose in stages at stoplights, and the dress in the parking lot, but I got there safely, and on time...


45 posted on 11/12/2013 8:39:32 AM PST by Texan5 ("You've got to saddle up your boys, you've got to draw a hard line"...)
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To: BenLurkin

Having other folks in the car can be distracting too, so we should ban carpools and get rid of those HOV lanes.


46 posted on 11/12/2013 8:39:33 AM PST by fruser1
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To: mountainlion
I am also an expert! Driving cars causes accidents therefore ban cars.

Let it be known that if you breath and live for a certain number of years, there is a good chance that you will die.

I am sure there is an expert that will study this and will publish a confirmation paper detailing this.

47 posted on 11/12/2013 8:39:40 AM PST by Parmy
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To: Disambiguator

Great stuff!

Deserves it’s own thread.


48 posted on 11/12/2013 8:43:40 AM PST by BenLurkin (This is not a statement of fact. It is either opinion or satire; or both.)
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To: Disambiguator

LOL,

Back in the day, I had a 1978 Chevy Custom Deluxe 4X4 with a small camper.

I decided to clean it one day, not sure why, and from under my seat I pulled 36 empty cans of Bud and one full one.

Bonus !!!


49 posted on 11/12/2013 8:43:57 AM PST by Zeneta
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To: Disambiguator

Hahahaha...PJ ORourke is brilliant!


50 posted on 11/12/2013 8:44:00 AM PST by rlmorel ("A nation, despicable by its weakness, forfeits even the privilege of being neutral." A. Hamilton)
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