Posted on 08/16/2018 11:21:08 AM PDT by heterosupremacist
Brutal.
LMAO.
Two men walk into a bar.
The third man ducks.
Why attorneys can’t take Viagra?
It turns their entire body stiff.
Sorry to all of FR attorneys
FUNEX
SVFX
FUNEM
SNFM
OKIFMNX
Key: Pronounce each letter with a heavy German (General Burkhalter) impersonation.
A man, Robert, has been working all his life to be “more”. But no matter what he does at work, he is passed over for promotions and his pay raises are minimal. Adding to this, when he gets home, his wife complains frequently about not being able to buy new outfits or that they are not members of the country club. The kids are no better. The Jones’ just got a new boat or lake cabin, why not us?
One day, after being again passed over at work and again being told at home how inadequate a provider he is, he stops at a monastery rather than going to work. The Abbot accepts him warmly but does have some stipulations
“You must take a vow of silence. Once a year, you will be allowed 2 words. But that is all. We will provide shelter and food. In return, we expect you to do work here, no matter how menial”.
The man accepts. “It will be so nice to be accepted for me being me!”, he thinks
All goes well the first year. He’s fitting right in, and by all appearances, liking his new life. The one year anniversary comes and the Abbot calls him in. “ Brother Robert, one year has passed since you came to us. The vow of silence has been honored. We’ve been pleased how you’ve fit in and seem to be liked by your fellow brothers. It is now time for your two words. And what are they?” Robert pauses and then says “Food cold.” The Abbot is a bit surprised but responds “I’ll note that, Thank you”.
Another year goes by, with out any obvious problems. The vow of silence has been followed. Again, he’s offered two words to say. This time Robert says “Bed hard”. ”Oh my, says.” The Abbot. “Well, we will see you next year!”.
On his third anniversary, he’s called in for his annual review and 2 words. “I quit!”, says Robert. The Abbot leans back in his chair “Well, I’m not surprised. It has been nothing but bitch! bitch!! bitch since you got here!”
Sits down orders a drink. About half way thru his drink...he say's.."Hey anyone here want to hear a blond joke?"
The bartender says..."I realize you are blind...and don't know what kind of bar you are in. You are in a all woman biker's bar. And I'm a blond..and have a baseball bat underneath the bar. The woman to the left of you is a blond...and she is a body builder. The woman to the right of you is as martial arts instructor...and she's a blond. The woman behind you is a blond...and she is the bouncer here. You still want to tell that blond joke?"
Blind man...thinks a minute...then say's..."Not if I have to explain it four flipping times!"
The same guy went to a Halloween party, naked, with the aforesaid potato on a string, that was tied around his waist. When asked what the heck he was supposed to be, he replied “A dictator!”
Andrew Cuomo announced today that his campaign will gladly accept donations of puppy chow in lieu of never so great US dollars.
So, what was so funny in 1900 bc? Only thing I see that might work is the fall of the last Sumerian dynasty.
HA! very good!
"Yes, I am," he acknowledged, and graciously interrupted his lunch to talk to us.
As we were leaving the restaurant, I remarked to the hostess, "Do you know you have Marlin Fitzwater on the terrace?"
"I'm not sure about that," she replied, "but we have Perrier and Evian at the bar."
One time I tried Viagra. Never again! It got stuck in my throat, and my tongue was hard for four hours!
But finally I got some respect, the chick wanted to marry me...
~ Rodney Dangerfield ~
a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde robbed a supermarket. As they were stealing, a police officer walked in the store and saw what was happening. He dashed toward them, but they were able to get away into the back of the store. There they found three sacks to hide in. When the police officer checked there, he examined each sack.
He kicks the first bag, and the redhead says “meow” in a high voice. The cop determines that it must only be a cat in that bag, and he moves on to the next.
When he kicks the second bag, the brunette says “woof” in a low voice. The officer determines that it must only be a dog in that bag, so he moves on to the last bag.
He kicks the third bag, and the blonde shouts “potato” to the officer
A young brunette goes into the doctor’s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
“Impossible,” says the doctor. “Show me.”
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.
The doctor says, “You’re not really a brunette are you?”
She says, “No, I’m really a blonde.”
“I thought so,” he says. “Your finger is broken.”
A tranny and a Puerto Rican walk into a bar.
The bartender says, “sing something funny.”
So they sing, in unison, “We’re the future of the democrat party.”
The bartender says, “That wasn’t funny.”
One day, a blond was driving down the road when a blond cop pulled her over.
“License and registration please”
“Sorry, I don’t have it with me”
“do you have any sort of, identification?”
“All I have is this picture of myself” she says as she pulls a mirror out of her purse and hands it to the officer.
“Well, if I would have known you were a cop I wouldn’t have pulled you over! You can go now. “
Q. Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A. It takes too long to retrain them.
A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.
So, this Irishman walks out of a bar... that could happen.
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