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For Everyone Who Loves The South...
email ^ | 04.11.02 | NA

Posted on 04/11/2002 8:39:17 AM PDT by maxwell

For Everyone Who Loves the South and other parts of Rural America that made this country great!

Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Northerners and Californians come to the South; the Tourism Council of Southern States has adopted a new policy. In an effort to help outsiders understand the rural Southerner's mind, the following list will be handed to each person as they enter any southern state.

1. That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

2. It's called a 'gravel road'. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four-wheel drive because I need it. Either drive yours or get it out of the way.

3. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you whipped...by our women...and you won't enjoy it.

4. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for -- we call them "bait".

5. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

7. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham, turkey, and cheese. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon.

8. No.... we don't eat too much here; we just know how to eat. Our men don't get big and strong here by chewing on organic celery sticks while drinking a chai tea latte. They grow up big and strong by eating their mama's home-made meat loaf, real mashed potatoes with gravy, corn on the cob from their garden, home-made biscuits, followed off by a few slices of home-made apple pie made with apples from the orchard and a big healthy glass of whole milk from our award winning dairy cows. As to how we work off what we eat, see #1 above.

9. You bring Coke into my house... it had better be brown, wet, and served over ice.

10. So you have a sixty thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.

11. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

12. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks--because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute. BWAHAHAHAHA...

13. Yeah, we eat catfish and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

14. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate 40 goes two ways--Interstate 95 goes the other two. Pick one and use it accordingly.

15. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?

16. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish.

17. That State Trooper that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot...his name is "Sir"...no matter how old he is.

18. You may think that we're boring people because most of us are farmers, but you'd better stop to think where most of your food comes from first. Didn't your mama ever tell you it's not polite to talk with your mouth full? We work hard here to provide our country with the food and dairy it needs to feed its people. In other words, we're too busy working to listen to you whine and complain. And by the way, we're not boring -- just come into one of our local taverns on a Friday night and we'll show you our idea of a good time. Oh, better not plan anything for Saturday or Sunday. You'll need that long to recuperate from Friday night if you're going to keep up with the locals.

19. No that is not Bambi standing in that cornfield. It is a deer and yes, we shoot them and eat them here. You want low-fat meat? There's nothing better than a lean venison steak. Don't like the fact that we shoot them? Try to remember that the next time one runs across the road from out of nowhere and it does $15,000 damage to your $60,000 SUV.

20. Cheese is its own food group and yes, it goes with anything --even apple pie.

Have a Nice Southern Day.


TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: humor; south
YEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAA, Y'ALL!
1 posted on 04/11/2002 8:39:17 AM PDT by maxwell
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To: MeeknMing; 1 FELLOW FREEPER; whoever; Twodees; RikaStrom; Captain Shady; shuckmaster
Comments, y'all?
2 posted on 04/11/2002 8:46:31 AM PDT by maxwell
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To: maxwell
So you have a sixty thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.

LOL, this has always been one of my favorites!

3 posted on 04/11/2002 10:52:55 AM PDT by RikaStrom
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To: maxwell
20. Cheese is its own food group and yes, it goes with anything --even apple pie.

Melted cheddar's good on a glazed doughnut, too!!

4 posted on 04/11/2002 10:56:23 AM PDT by Palmetto
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To: maxwell
# 8 made me all hungry. And all I've got here is peanut butter and crackers or the local House of Ptomaine.
5 posted on 04/11/2002 11:03:31 AM PDT by Argh
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To: Argh; MeeknMing
You've probably seen this one, buds...

Two rednecks were driving down a country road in a pickup truck. The driver tells his buddy that there's a new gas station on down the road that offered a CHANCE at free sex with every fill-up, and that he was going to stop and fill it up.

So, they stop and fill it up. The owner comes out, collects the money and tells the guy he has a chance to win some free sex. All he has to do is guess the correct number between 1 and 10. After thinking a minute, he guesses 6.

The owner says "Man you almost won, the number was 7. Y'all come back!"

They drive off, and after a few minutes of silence, the driver's buddy says "You know, I've been thinking about that free-sex deal, and it's rigged. No way you're gonna win. No matter what number you guess, the guy's gonna say you're wrong."

The driver says "Naw, it ain't rigged. I know you can win."

His buddy asks "And just how do you know that?"

The driver replies "My wife stopped in there twice last week, and she won both times."

6 posted on 04/11/2002 11:32:23 AM PDT by maxwell
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To: maxwell;Cagey;SeeRushtoldU_so;COB1
Please see Max's joke #5.........ROFL..........(it was NOT me.......lol)
7 posted on 04/11/2002 1:43:02 PM PDT by WhyisaTexasgirlinPA
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To: WhyisaTexasgirlinPA;maxwell
Hahahahaha! That's great.

And to think, all I ever won was a Jets coffee mug at a Mobil station.

8 posted on 04/11/2002 1:56:45 PM PDT by Cagey
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To: maxwell
19. No that is not Bambi standing in that cornfield. It is a deer and yes, we shoot them and eat them here. You want low-fat meat? There's nothing better than a lean venison steak. Don't like the fact that we shoot them? Try to remember that the next time one runs across the road from out of nowhere and it does $15,000 damage to your $60,000 SUV.

WORTH REPEATING...especially in Michigan where there are more deer than people...or seems that way.

9 posted on 04/11/2002 1:59:42 PM PDT by Dan from Michigan
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To: Cagey;Maxwell
You won a mug? I want to know where that station is located.........lol.........if it is in Jersey, I know you can't pump your own gas......
10 posted on 04/11/2002 2:00:14 PM PDT by WhyisaTexasgirlinPA
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To: maxwell
Excellent! bttt
11 posted on 04/11/2002 2:23:14 PM PDT by lodwick
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To: maxwell
Yeah, we eat catfish and turtle

Do ya really eat turtle????

12 posted on 04/11/2002 2:29:53 PM PDT by Mo1
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To: Mo1
In a soup, yep.
13 posted on 04/11/2002 3:42:05 PM PDT by roachie
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To: maxwell
The three-step test to identifying a true redneck:

1. Drives a full size pre-1985 pickup.

2. Pickup has a gun rack (gun optional, but extra credit).

3. Can still answer the following question correctly after drinking a case of beer at the tailgate party outside an Atlanta Braves game: "Who won the war of Northern Agression."

[For those of you unfamiliar with that last question, the correct answer is: "You mean its over?"]

14 posted on 04/11/2002 5:18:12 PM PDT by Chairman_December_19th_Society
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To: Mo1
Yes, we eat turtle where I come from. We eat only one particular kind of turtle, the meanest SOB in the turtle world, the alligator snapper. We call it a cooter though.
15 posted on 04/11/2002 5:34:30 PM PDT by Twodees
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To: maxwell
Okay - you asked for it. My favorite Southern joke goes like this: "Ms. Earline and Ms. Caroline were out on the veranda of Ms. Earline's to-die-for antebellum mansion sitting under the porch fan and sipping mimosas. Ms. Earline said to Ms. Caroline: "Ya see this beautiful home? My dear husband Clayton presented it to me after the birth of our firstborn son, Clayton, Jr. as a token of his appreciation." Ms. Caroline calmly took a sip of her drink, fanned herself and said sweetly "How nice." Ms. Earline then proceeded to point to the shiny new Cadillac convertible parked near the hundred year old oaks surrounding her property and stated: "Ya see that fine, shiny expensive automobile over there? My dear husband Clayton presented it to me after the birth of our second son, Henry, as a token of appreciation to me for having provided him with another son." Ms. Caroline again sipped on her mimosa. "How nice" she replied again in her soft, melodius southern drawl. Ms. Earline seemed a bit miffed by Ms. Caroline's lack of enthusiam. She asked: "So tell me, Caroline, what has your husband Beauregard ever done for you?" Ms. Caroline replied: "He sent me to charm school." "CHARM school" scoffed Earline. "What on heaven's earth good did THAT do for ya?" Ms. Caroline smiled and said: "Charm School is where they teach you to say "How nice, intead of $%#^ you!!!"
16 posted on 04/11/2002 7:18:19 PM PDT by southerngrit
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To: maxwell
You need to read this.

Apparently a true story...

17 posted on 04/12/2002 1:23:43 AM PDT by The Other Harry
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To: southerngrit;Twodees;Chairman_December_19th_Society;roachie;lodwick;WhyisaTexasgirlinPA;Argh...
Ping to #17
18 posted on 04/12/2002 1:34:18 AM PDT by The Other Harry
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To: maxwell
When I see articles like these ,I remember that movie, "My Cousin Vinnie." My brother tells me that some of his co-workers that came from up north have become very pro-Southern after a few years here in SC.
19 posted on 04/12/2002 3:42:18 AM PDT by Captain Shady
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To: maxwell
Most of these could apply equally to the Midwest, which is (I think) just as much of a farming region as the South.
20 posted on 04/12/2002 3:54:50 AM PDT by bleudevil
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To: The Other Harry
I like JD8 . Sounds like a out-of-the-box thinker.
21 posted on 04/12/2002 4:10:08 AM PDT by Captain Shady
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To: The Other Harry; SeeRushtoldU_so;Cagey
Thanks for the ping to the story........what a nightmare!!! lol.......... This guy is hilarious.........

I believe they are in Georgia.......lol

22 posted on 04/12/2002 5:07:01 AM PDT by WhyisaTexasgirlinPA
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To: WhyisaTexasgirlinPA;The Other Harry
Oh man! My favorite photo was the fish tank. A perfect breeding ground for "Jersey skeeters". LOL
23 posted on 04/12/2002 5:11:21 AM PDT by Cagey
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To: Captain Shady
I like JD8 . Sounds like a out-of-the-box thinker.

Well, fortunately for you, he is looking for a new home, perhaps you would enjoy this "out of the box thinker" next door to you! lol.......

24 posted on 04/12/2002 5:20:09 AM PDT by WhyisaTexasgirlinPA
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To: maxwell
. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon.

No one from the south would say this. And definitely not in LA. (lower Alabama)

It should read: Yeah we have sweet tea. Is there any other kind?

25 posted on 04/12/2002 5:49:24 AM PDT by sausageseller
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To: WhyisaTexasgirlinPA
Well, fortunately for you, he is looking for a new home, perhaps you would enjoy this "out of the box thinker" next door to you! lol.......

He would probably fit right in. He can't move right next door.My father owns the 24 acres around my 3 acres. My sister ,mother, and grandparents live down the road. We have a gun-toting Mormon hunting fantic also down the road next to my sister's home. Also ,we once had a neighbor who lived in a barn with his horses ,until he shot his girlfriend and himself.There's also two Baptist ministers(one black,one white) and a boy scout campground on this road.

26 posted on 04/12/2002 11:47:24 AM PDT by Captain Shady
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To: Captain Shady
Well.....lol.......now ya see, it is EASY for you to joke because you have a little land around you insulating you from the world full of idiots like the one this poor man has to put up with......lol......... good for you......I hope you enjoy every single inch of that land!
27 posted on 04/12/2002 12:45:42 PM PDT by WhyisaTexasgirlinPA
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To: sausageseller; WhyisaTexasgirlinPA; Captain Shady; Cagey; bleudevil; The Other Harry...
Hey all y'all... More tips for Yankee b@st@rds:

Tips for Northerners moving south

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.

2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being right. (Perhaps "Bubbina" or "Bubbett" would work for the girls?)

3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.

6. Do not buy food at the movie store.

7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.

8. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.

10. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

28 posted on 04/14/2002 9:55:42 AM PDT by maxwell
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To: maxwell;Cagey;SeeRushtoldU_so
I remember my Mother and Grandmother "saving" bacon grease and using it for cooking....... the thought of that gags me now......lol.........I rarely fry anything these days - and the only time I use bacon grease is if I decide to use freshly cooked bacon, then saute onions or mushrooms in the grease.........

I'd be willing to bet that many Southerners remember that "jar" used to collect bacon grease though........

29 posted on 04/14/2002 10:51:29 AM PDT by WhyisaTexasgirlinPA
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To: WhyisaTexasgirlinPA
I'd be willing to bet that many Southerners remember that "jar" used to collect bacon grease though........

Oh yeah... Mmmmmmm... Max slathered in bacon grease...

Well I don't eat alot of bacon and whatnot, trying to watch the beergut and all, but I won't turn ya down if you twist my arm...

30 posted on 04/14/2002 10:59:51 AM PDT by maxwell
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To: WhyisaTexasgirlinPA
Maybe it's a Yankee thing, but hot bacon grease on fresh spinach leaves ain't all that bad. I think they also add sliced egg and some bacon crumbs. I'll have to look it up.

B. Crocker

31 posted on 04/14/2002 12:36:45 PM PDT by Cagey
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To: Mo1
After living in the south for 27 months, I still don't eat turtle - but I have been to all-you-can-eat catfish fries - not bad (I still prefer Pacific Northwest salmon, though). I've seen turtles in the rivers here.
32 posted on 04/14/2002 1:08:17 PM PDT by ValerieUSA
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Any doubting freepers should turn on the Masters right now on CBS. Visible proof why parts of Georgia, TN, VA, and the Carolinas are close to paradise.
33 posted on 04/14/2002 1:12:49 PM PDT by Diddle E. Squat
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To: The Other Harry
Oh my goodness, that story is hilarious! Loved the burnt backyard and the waterspout cum garden waterfall.

That site deserves its own thread!

34 posted on 04/14/2002 1:35:34 PM PDT by Diddle E. Squat
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