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DENNIS MILLER EXECUTIVE SUMMARY ON THE MID-EAST CONFLICT:
soc.culture.israel | ??? | Dennis Miller

Posted on 05/07/2002 8:01:06 PM PDT by Slings and Arrows

A brief overview of the situation is always valuable, so as a service to all Americans who still don't get it, I now offer you the story of the Middle East in just a few paragraphs, which is all you really need. Don't thank me. I'm a giver.

Here we go: The Palestinians want their own country. There's just one thing about that: There are no Palestinians. It's a made up word. Israel was called Palestine for two thousand years. Like "Wiccan," "Palestinian" sounds ancient but is really a modern invention. Before the Israelis won the land in war, Gaza was owned by Egypt, and there were no "Palestinians" then, and the West Bank was owned by Jordan, and there were no "Palestinians" then. As soon as the Jews took over and started growing oranges as big as basketballs, what do you know, say hello to the "Palestinians," weeping for their deep bond with their lost "land" and "nation." So for the sake of honesty, let's not use the word "Palestinian" any more to describe these delightful folks, who dance for joy at our deaths until someone points out they're being taped. Instead, let's call them what they are: "Other Arabs From The Same General Area Who Are In Deep Denial About Never Being Able To Accomplish Anything In Life And Would Rather Wrap Themselves In The Seductive Melodrama Of Eternal Struggle And Death." I know that's a bit unwieldy to expect to see on CNN. How about this, then: "Adjacent Jew-Haters." Okay, so the Adjacent Jew-Haters want their own country.

Oops, just one more thing. No, they don't. They could've had their own country any time in the last thirty years, especially two years ago at Camp David. But if you have your own country, you have to have traffic lights and garbage trucks and Chambers of Commerce, and, worse, you actually have to figure out some way to make a living. That's no fun. No, they want what all the other Jew-Haters in the region want: Israel. They also want a big pile of dead Jews, of course - that's where the real fun is - but mostly they want Israel. Why? For one thing, trying to destroy - or "The Zionist Entity" as their textbooks call it - for the last fifty years has allowed the rulers of Arab countries to divert the attention of their own people away from the fact that they're the blue-ribbon most illiterate, poorest, and tribally backward on God's Earth, and if you've ever been around God's Earth, you know that's really saying something. It makes me roll my eyes every time one of our pundits waxes poetic about the great history and culture of the Muslim Mideast. Unless I'm missing something, the Arabs haven't given anything to the world since Algebra, and, by the way, thanks a hell of a lot for that one. Chew this around and spit it out: Five hundred million Arabs; five million Jews. Think of all the Arab countries as a football field, and Israel as a pack of matches sitting in the middle of it. And now these same folks swear that if Israel gives them half of that pack of matches, everyone will be pals. Really? Wow, what neat news. Hey, but what about the string of wars to obliterate the tiny country and the constant din of rabid blood oaths to drive every Jew into the sea? Oh, that? We were just kidding. My friend Kevin Rooney made a gorgeous point the other day: Just reverse the numbers. Imagine five hundred million Jews and five million Arabs. I was stunned at the simple brilliance of it. Can anyone picture the Jews strapping belts of razor blades and dynamite to themselves? Of course not.

Or marshalling every fiber and force at their disposal for generations to drive a tiny Arab state into the sea? Nonsense. Or dancing for joy at the murder of innocents? Impossible. Or spreading and believing horrible lies about the Arabs baking their bread with the blood of children? Disgusting.

No, as you know, left to themselves in a world of peace, the worst Jews would ever do to people is debate them to death.

Mr. Bush, God bless him, is walking a tightrope. I understand that with vital operations coming up against Iraq and others, it's in our interest, as Americans, to try to stabilize our Arab allies as much as possible, and, after all, that can't be much harder than stabilizing a roomful of supermodels who've just had their drugs taken away. However, in any big-picture strategy, there's always a danger of losing moral weight. We've already lost some.

After September 11 our president told us and the world he was going to root out all terrorists and the countries that supported them. Beautiful. Then the Israelis, after months and months of having the equivalent of an Oklahoma City every week (and then every day) start to do the same thing we did, and we tell them to show restraint.

If America were being attacked with an Oklahoma City every day, we would all very shortly be screaming for the administration to just be done with it and kill everything south of the Mediterranean and east of the Jordan. (Hey, wait a minute, that's actually not such a bad id . . . uh, that is, what a horrible thought, yeah, horrible.)


TOPICS: Miscellaneous
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Saw this on soc.culture.israel - I have no idea whether it's a genuine Dennis Miller rant, but it was too good to pass up.

FReegards,
Slings and Arrows

1 posted on 05/07/2002 8:01:07 PM PDT by Slings and Arrows
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To: Slings and Arrows
Well, it has a few Miller trademarks, but I'll go out on a very long limb and say that is probably is not Miller. But I won't bet the farm on being right.
2 posted on 05/07/2002 8:06:55 PM PDT by jlogajan
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To: jlogajan
I'll bet the farm. This is not Dennis Miller. My money is on TED NUGENT!!!!
3 posted on 05/07/2002 8:14:17 PM PDT by Snuffington
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To: jlogajan
I think this might be the work of Larry Miller.
4 posted on 05/07/2002 8:15:36 PM PDT by SamAdams76
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To: Snuffington
Nah, it can't possibly be Ted Nugent. It has to be George Carlin.
;)
5 posted on 05/07/2002 8:15:47 PM PDT by Michael Barnes
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To: Snuffington
I don't know...it sounds kind of Milleresque...at least it's better than Monday Nite Futball!

FMCDH

6 posted on 05/07/2002 8:20:19 PM PDT by nothingnew
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To: Snuffington
Of course its Dennis Miller. Since Sept.11, this has been his stock in trade, and God bless him.
7 posted on 05/07/2002 8:21:36 PM PDT by Channel_Islands_EANx_Diver
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To: unix
Groucho Marx or Arnold Stang.

FMCDH

8 posted on 05/07/2002 8:24:08 PM PDT by nothingnew
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To: Slings and Arrows
This is from Larry Miller—the character actor who played the obsequious store manager in Pretty Woman, among many other roles. It's an excerpt from his article in the Weekly Standard, previously posted here.
9 posted on 05/07/2002 8:27:51 PM PDT by Fabozz
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To: Fabozz
So it is. I searched for "Dennis," "Miller," and "rant" before posting, but no luck. So it goes.

FReegards,
Slings and Arrows

10 posted on 05/07/2002 8:33:42 PM PDT by Slings and Arrows
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To: Snuffington
I'm pretty sure I saw Dennis say this the other night...
11 posted on 05/07/2002 8:33:43 PM PDT by go star go
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To: nothingnew
Yes, Groucho..without doubt..
12 posted on 05/07/2002 8:36:25 PM PDT by Michael Barnes
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To: Fabozz
Larry Miller was great as Mr. Pitt's doorman on "Seinfeld."
13 posted on 05/07/2002 8:37:35 PM PDT by irishjuggler
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To: unix
dennis miller opened the show up with it last friday.
14 posted on 05/07/2002 8:41:21 PM PDT by Texas Cornhusker
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To: Slings and Arrows
"I searched for 'Dennis,' 'Miller,' and 'rant' before posting, but no luck."

Not your fault; you were betrayed by the Internet. It's still a great piece no matter who wrote it.

15 posted on 05/07/2002 8:55:06 PM PDT by Fabozz
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To: Slings and Arrows
Definitely has some Milleresque touches, so if it's not Miller it's somebody who has imitated him quite brilliantly. Far better than, say, the guy who imitated George Carlin some months back. That effort was transparently not Carlin, but this one is much harder to tell, IMHO.
16 posted on 05/07/2002 9:57:03 PM PDT by beckett
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To: Fabozz

17 posted on 05/07/2002 10:00:47 PM PDT by jlogajan
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To: SamAdams76

18 posted on 05/07/2002 10:02:29 PM PDT by jlogajan
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To: Slings and Arrows
It is Miller. He's an Independent----was a Perot supporter. Miller has possibilities.
19 posted on 05/07/2002 11:47:05 PM PDT by brat
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To: Texas Cornhusker
If he did, he's a thief!
20 posted on 05/09/2002 7:34:14 AM PDT by dead
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To: dead
This is great!
21 posted on 05/13/2002 11:55:29 AM PDT by hawaiian
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To: Texas Cornhusker
It was done by Larry Miller. It was posted a few days back.
22 posted on 05/13/2002 11:58:49 AM PDT by AppyPappy
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To: Slings and Arrows
LARRY Miller is the "Bad American" this time around.
23 posted on 05/13/2002 12:08:03 PM PDT by PBRSTREETGANG
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To: Fabozz
Thank you for clearing this up.This is just a great piece.It's quite real.Why Dennis' name was attached is beyond me.Now, did dennis Miller use this on his show?Because I can imagine how he'd invoke his "TONE" to make it come across even better.
24 posted on 05/13/2002 1:02:22 PM PDT by Pagey
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To: SamAdams76; doug from upland
I think this might be the work of Larry Miller.

Larry Miller? Of Sit N' Sleep???

25 posted on 05/13/2002 9:59:07 PM PDT by ambrose
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