Sex Tips from Donald Rumsfeld

Esquire ^ | May 28, 2002 | Stephen Sherrill

[Paul Ross]

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Sex Tips from Donald Rumsfeld


By Stephen Sherrill
June 2002, Volume 137, Issue 6
Illustration by Tim Bowen

Dear Secretary Rumsfeld: My friend told me you can't get pregnant if you have sex in a hot tub. Is that true? —Diane Macdonald, Sioux City, Iowa

Secretary Rumsfeld: There is an awful lot of misinformation out there. Diane, the reality is that you can get pregnant if you have sex in a hot tub. Are hot tubs fun? Yes. Do hot tubs make you want to have sex? You bet. But anybody who believes that you can't get pregnant is simply uninformed, misinformed, or poorly informed, and does not belong in a hot tub.

Dear Secretary Rumsfeld: My husband and I have an active love life, and I'm generally satisfied, but sometimes I'd like him to go "down there." —Kate Waterman, Enid, Oklahoma

Secretary Rumsfeld: Down where? I'm here to answer legitimate questions about sex in a frank and candid way, but I'm not doing this just to waste my time. Do you mean your belly button? Your knees? Your toes? Boca Raton? Argentina?

Dear Secretary Rumsfeld: My wife and I are happily married, but the spark seems to have gone out of our sex life. How can we spice it up? —Harry Blumenthal, Bakersfield, California

Secretary Rumsfeld: There's no great mystery here, Harry. It can't be that hard to understand. You get in there, you do your job, you develop an exit strategy, and you get the heck out of there. That's the way sex works. Why does everything have to be so difficult?

Dear Secretary Rumsfeld: My wife wants me to talk dirty when we make love, but I've never been able to do it. Any advice? —Joel Brennan, Syracuse, New York

Secretary Rumsfeld: Listen, anybody that can talk clean can talk dirty. Dirty talk is just like normal talk, except dirty. Your wife wants dirty talk, so give her dirty talk. Something like, "Those breasts are first-rate," or "I am going to give you a darned good orgasm," or, if she likes the rough stuff, "I'll tell you this, I am about to give you the business and I don't want to hear any guff about it."

Dear Secretary Rumsfeld: I keep reading about something called the G-spot, but I can't seem to find it. Can you tell me where it is? —Elizabeth Kaplan, Tacoma, Washington

Secretary Rumsfeld: I could tell you. But I'm not inclined to.

Dear Secretary Rumsfeld: I'm thinking about trying a threesome, but I don't know how to approach my girlfriend about it. Have you ever tried a threesome? —Dave Barcott, Boulder, Colorado

Secretary Rumsfeld: Nice try, Dave. I can see what you're trying to do, but you're going to have to do better than that. Donald Rumsfeld is not going to be tricked into revealing something stupid about Donald Rumsfeld and Mrs. Donald Rumsfeld by such a question. If I answer, then someone will say, "Oh, goodness, the Rumsfelds are into threesomes," and then it gets repeated and picked up, and then suddenly everybody's talking about Donald Rumsfeld and Mrs. Donald Rumsfeld and threesomes, and that's not what this is about. That said, bring it up in a very loving way and let her choose the third party. Also, alcohol never hurts.

Dear Secretary Rumsfeld: If you have sex in a hot tub, can you get pregnant? —Molly Chaplan, Toledo, Ohio

Secretary Rumsfeld: Good gosh. Okay, yes, yes, you can get pregnant from having sex in a hot tub. In fact, you can't not get pregnant from having sex in a hot tub, nor can you get pregnant without having sex in a hot tub. I hope I've answered your question, Molly.

Dear Secretary Rumsfeld: My husband has a problem with premature ejaculation. Is there something I could do to make him last longer? —Ellen Shapiro, Knoxville, Tennessee

Secretary Rumsfeld: I'm just going to say this once. There is no such thing as premature ejaculation. There is ejaculation, and there is non-ejaculation. If your husband is ejaculating, then count your blessings. Congratulations, you just had sex. That's what men do—they ejaculate. All this business about, "Oh, henny penny, my husband is a premature ejaculator!" is just a lot of twaddle and claptrap. You say it enough and pretty soon, believe me, he won't be ejaculating at all.

Dear Secretary Rumsfeld: My boyfriend sometimes likes to put on makeup and dress in women's underpants when we make love. Should I be worried? —Amanda Stein, St. Albans, Vermont

Secretary Rumsfeld: I am not an expert in this area, but I will refer this question to General Tommy Franks and have him get back to you.

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[Paul Ross]

You know the liberals are beginning to crack under the relentless and irrepressible conservative logic, good sense, solid moral convictions, and light-hearted sense of humor of Donald Rumsfeld, when they resort to spoofs of his plain-speaking style...

That being said, I must admit that even I thought it was funny...!

[Paul Ross]

A ping for the lighter side of our beloved SecDef....

[Miss Marple]

Just like a press conference. Did you notice the hot tub question got asked twice? LOL!

[Draco]

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Perhaps the libs have thrown in the towel on this guy.

[Recovering_Democrat]

pretty funny, though it did start to read a bit like a Bob Dole parody....I smiled reading it, though.

[RightOnline]

Hilarious................................Rumsfeld would love it. :)

[ErnBatavia]

Perhaps the libs have thrown in the towel on this guy.

Bingo!

[contessa machiaveli]

sex and donald rumsfeld ...my imagination is running wild.

[dighton]

... no idea why I'm pinging you two ...

[L.N. Smithee]

sex and donald rumsfeld ...my imagination is running wild.

"Contessa Machiaveli's imagination is running wild..." Sounds like a 70's foreign film with Laura Antonelli or Ursula Andress in the making.

Penny for your thoughts.

[habs4ever]

This is a great spoof! Lots of belly laughs :-)

[lodwick]

Hilarious and bttt. Thanks! You da'man Don.

[BigWaveBetty]

Great post, thought it was hysterical! Yeah, the liberals know they're toast, not even they can resist Rumsfeld's charm. heh heh heh!

[contessa machiaveli]

i cannot reveal my fantasies.... the computer would burst into flames.

[Paul Ross]

You're welcome.

Secretary Rumsfeld: I am not an expert in this area, but I will refer this question to General Tommy Franks and have him get back to you.

Boy, I sure wish I had someone like Tommy Franks to defer embarassing questions to...I'm still trying to visualize how he would try to answer this...!

[firewalk]

I thought it was very funny! Thanks for the smiles!

[Paul Ross]

I wish I could be there when Don sees this spoof!

[firewalk]

I'll bet Rummy loves it. (:

[kayak]

What I would love to see would be President Bush's reaction to this article ..... he already has a blast teasing Rumsfeld about being a matinee idol.

[Oschisms]

This is LOL funny. This I gotta email around.

[Common Tator]

What Rummy has done is changed the rules. The media asks Rummy one loaded question. He then in the apparent process of answering their question asks himself every question he would like to be asked.

It turns the press conference froma set up where 100 percent of the questions are out to nail Rummy, into a situation where 90 percent to the questions make Rummy look good. Of course Rummy asks the questions that make him look good.

IT is a strategy that he media can't figure out how to foil. It has them really angry.

The media is really angry when they get email from the public demanding they shut up and let Rummy interview himself.

[baseballmom]

There's no great mystery here, Harry. It can't be that hard to understand. You get in there, you do your job, you develop an exit strategy, and you get the heck out of there. That's the way sex works. Why does everything have to be so difficult?

LOL LOL Doesn't this sound EXACTLY like Rummy. He is the best, he's become one (of the very few) Republican icons.

[Paul Ross]

Truly the best.

[Paul Ross]

Good analysis PING!

[Paul Ross]

Yup, and the reaction was vintage Rummy!

[LadyDoc]

BUMP

We need a laugh early in the morning

[VOA]

Sex Tips from Donald Rumsfeld

The RumStud...what ever young American male should aspire to be.

[LibertyGirl77]

Your wife wants dirty talk, so give her dirty talk. Something like, "Those breasts are first-rate," or "I am going to give you a darned good orgasm," or, if she likes the rough stuff, "I'll tell you this, I am about to give you the business and I don't want to hear any guff about it."

ROFL! Works for me....

[Paul Ross]

Yeah, and that's no guff!

[Paul Ross]

You're welcome. And a ping! to some others who may be in need of a laugh...

[swarthyguy]

LOL! Boy, i wish he could have gone on longer.

[Constitution Day]

Thanks for the ping!
That made my afternoon... can't wait to e-mail it.

Wait - maybe I should reconsider that.
By the time it makes its way back onto FR, it will be re-titled "Sex Tips from Ari Fleischer".
Also, it will have been purportedly written by Ted Nugent or Geo .Carlin.

[Hipixs]

For the record.

[Hipixs]

To find all articles tagged or indexed using Rumsfeld, click below:
	click here >>>	Rumsfeld	<<< click here
(To view all FR Bump Lists, click here)

[Paul Ross]

Ping. An oldy but goody.