Posted on 08/01/2002 4:44:59 AM PDT by mlmr
Dear Mrs. Web,
My boyfriend of 10 years and I split last autumn. He had cheated on me and lied about it. We had no contact for many months. Recently he has stopped in to visit to "see how I was doing."
He is still with the other woman but does not speak well of her. I know that I should not let him in but I do because I am still not over him. I am still attracted to him. We only talk when he visits, no sex. He stares at me continuously when he is here and always kisses me when he leaves.
Why is he visiting me now?
I think he is sniffing around because you are opening the door. Eventually, he will have you back in bed, for your boundaries about his presence in your life are very loose. He knows that he can cheat and lie and you will still let him in, and even kiss him.
You let your attraction blind you to reality. Now he is beginning to cheat on his present interest with you. Sounds like the same old guy to me. He can sense your vulnerability.
I wouldn’t let a bounder and a cad back into my life. I would cut it cold.
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Dear Mrs. Web,
I have really never been close to my brother. We really haven't spoken in many years, though I do send Christmas gifts and birthday gifts ( I think to keep my mom happy - my parents are divorced).
Anyway, my brother, his wife and two children are coming to visit this week, and I can't help but feel terribly uncomfortable. We are supposed to go out for dinner twice. Thankfully, I will have my other family with me, but I don't have a clue what to say to someone I hardly speak to, or know. My brother and I have never really gotten along.
Would you give me some pointers on how not to feel quite so uncomfortable? Thanks for your advice. I enjoy your column.
These people are connected strangers. They deserve to be treated with politeness, respectfulness, kindness and courtesy. I imagine they are just as nervous as you are.
Stay detached and ask about their lives. Listen to what they have to say. Avoid all arguments. Smile and nod. Look for the good and stay light and fun.
This is not forever, this is just dinner and a visit.
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Dear Ms. Web,
I am 22 years old and live with my fiancée who is 24. We recently bought a new home together and have very much enjoyed our freedom out of the care of our parents. I have 3 sisters that have not always made the best choices when it comes to their futures.
I have a mother who is 44 and has a decent job. She has been in a physically/mentally abusive marriage since I was 12. She has recently asked if she can come live with me. She wants to leave her current husband. She has left him at least a half-dozen time before. The extended family does not even talk to her anymore.
I am a very giving person, and was delighted to help her until she said that she wants to quit her job, and just be a "Mom" for awhile. Mother also clearly said that the 2 - 3 month time frame I suggested would not allow enough "Mom" time. She thinks we would really appreciate a long-term visit from her, and should consider it a blessing instead of a burden. She is also talking about her "future husband" and she hasn't yet divorced this one!
She doesn't arrive alone. I have an 8 year-old brother. I love them and wouldn't mind helping out. But this just doesn't seem right. I also am extremely afraid of what her abusive husband might do if he finds her at my house. This man has gone to jail a few times for beating her up.
I am my Mom's last hope. She said that if I don't help her, she feels as if she is being forced to stay with her husband. I want her to take care of herself, she is very capable of doing so. My closest friends have told me not to allow her to live with me, including my fiancée - but I get all mushy when she starts to cry and I give in. Do you think I should let her live with me? Am I just being selfish? I need help!
You are not being selfish. Your mother is a troubled woman who is using you to meet her dependent needs. This is all about her. She wants a long-term vacation at your expense at your house. I don't think so...
You are not your mother's last hope. You are her hostage. She is her own last hope. She can find her own place and live her own life. No one is forcing her to stay with her abusive husband, she is choosing to stay there and waiting to be rescued.
Walk away from this situation and wish her well. Keep your boundaries firm, you will need them in order to have a healthy marriage. Face it! You don’t need anymore of your awful childhood in the middle of your marriage, and you are getting married soon, Dear... aren't you??
Best,
Dear Mrs. Web
Nah, she got paid off with a ring.
Viva la differance!
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