Free Republic
Browse · Search
General/Chat
Topics · Post Article

Skip to comments.

JOKE THREAD
an email ^ | 8/26/02 | unknown

Posted on 08/26/2002 2:28:58 PM PDT by Sungirl

I never see a running joke thread in here....so I thought I'd start one since I received this great joke. Hope you will add on.....


TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS:
Navigation: use the links below to view more comments.
first 1-5051-100101-150151-167 next last
Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first.

"Al, what do you believe in?"

Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die."

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."

God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?"

Bill replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain."

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."

God then address Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?"

"I believe you're in my chair."

1 posted on 08/26/2002 2:28:58 PM PDT by Sungirl
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | View Replies]

To: Sungirl
What if this thread became a running joke?
2 posted on 08/26/2002 2:30:51 PM PDT by El Sordo
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Sungirl
Thanks I needed a laugh.
3 posted on 08/26/2002 2:31:16 PM PDT by just me
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Sungirl
Q. What's the difference between Micheal Jackson and a grocery bag?

A. One is made out of plastic and dangerous for children to play with and the other is used to carry grocerys

4 posted on 08/26/2002 2:32:00 PM PDT by newsperson999
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Sungirl
A well-known cardiologist died, and an elaborate funeral
was planned. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind
the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket
rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in
the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the
mourners burst into laughter. When confronted, he said,
"I'm sorry. I was just thinking of my own funeral....
I'm a gynecologist."
5 posted on 08/26/2002 2:32:32 PM PDT by Fred Mertz
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Sungirl
The last time I remember a Joke thread, it ran for at least 40 pages. This should be fun.
6 posted on 08/26/2002 2:33:40 PM PDT by AUsome Joy
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: newsperson999
LOL!!!
7 posted on 08/26/2002 2:34:22 PM PDT by Ann Archy
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 4 | View Replies]

To: just me
A Mexican family crosses over the border to the Land of Milk and Honey
where the streets are paved with gold. But the husband can find no work.

His family is hungry, so he takes a walk to a quiet place at the foot of a big hill, kneels at the base of a tree, and begins to pray: "Sweet Jesus, please show me a way to feed my family..."

Eyes closed, the Mexican does not see the BLACK man coming over the top the hill, stumbling wildly with a broken grocery sack. When the Mexican man opens his eyes, a large wheel of cheddar cheese rolls down the hill and lands at his feet!

"Oh, thank you Jesus, thank you!" he cries, grabs the cheese, and runs straight home.

Upon returning home, he gives the cheese to his wife and instructs her to make nachos.

"But wouldn't you rather have cheese enchiladas or burritos ?" she inquires.

"No," the husband says, "Jesus sent this to me with a message!
As I ran home, I kept hearing Him yell . . . . .

"THAT'S NACHO CHEESE! " " THAT'S NACHO CHEESE!'

8 posted on 08/26/2002 2:36:00 PM PDT by yoe
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 3 | View Replies]

To: Sungirl
This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says "Ten dollars."

The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"

The owner replies, "He's such a liar."

9 posted on 08/26/2002 2:37:29 PM PDT by UB355
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Sungirl
An oldie, but a goodie . . .
___________________________________________

From: Bin Laden, Osama [mailto:osama@taliban.com]
Sent: Monday, November 19, 2001 8:17 AM
To: Cavemates
Subject: The Cave

Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours but we've really come together as a group and I love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says "There is no I in team" as well as the one that says "Hang In There, Baby." That cat is hilarious. However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns.

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you don't want to be stung and neither do I, so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've posted a sign-up sheet near the main cave opening.

Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the most powerful country on earth, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your razor scooter in the background. Just while we're taping. Thanks.

Third point, and this is a touchy one. As you know, by edict, we're not supposed to shave our beards. But I need everyone to just think hygiene, especially after mealtime. We're all in this together.

Fourth: food. I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently, clearly wrote "Osama" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, my Cheez-Its were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.

Finally, we've heard that there may be American soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammed, Abdul, Akbar, and Richard.

Love you lots.

Osama

10 posted on 08/26/2002 2:38:36 PM PDT by theophilusscribe
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Sungirl
A young lady complains to her doctor about not being able to get any dates. After talking to her for some time and discovering other issues she has, he decides she should go see Dr. Som Ting Wong, one of his Chinese friends who is a specialist.

She makes an appointment, and goes to see Dr. Wong. He listens to her, and says “First ting we do is this. You take crose off and craw on froor. She does. He says “ No, Must craw rerry, rerry fas!”

She does, and he says “Now craw towar me, then craw away from me, craw rerry, rerry fas!”

Being desperate to find out why she can’t get any dates, she complies. He cries out “You have Ed Zakery disease. Worst case of Ed Zackery I ever see! That why you no get dates!”

Alarmed and confused, she says “Doctor, what is Ed Zackery disease? I’ve never heard of it!”

Drum Roll here…

He says “It when your face rook Ed Zackery rike you’re a$$!”

11 posted on 08/26/2002 2:38:56 PM PDT by Bill Rice
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Sungirl
Clinton - Intern Jokes


After much arguing and deliberation, historians this week have come up with a phrase to describe the Clinton Era. It will be called: SEX BETWEEN THE BUSHES.

The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta announced that Clinton has proven that you CAN get sex from Aides.

Jennifer Flowers was asked if her relationship with Clinton was anything like Monica Lewinski's. She replied, "Close, but no cigar."

The FBI has coined a technical term for the stains found on Monica's dress "Presidue."

Clinton now recruits interns from only four colleges: Moorhead, Oral Roberts, Ball State and Bringham Young.

Did you know that Clinton had asked to change the Democratic seal from a donkey to a condom. It represents inflation, halts production, and gives you a false sense of security while you are being screwed.

Washington has come up with a solution for the Clinton situation - they added an 11th commandment: "Thou shall not put thy rod in thy staff."

Arkansas is very proud of Bill Clinton. All these women coming forward, and not one is his sister!

Finally, Hillary Clinton recently went to a fortune teller who intoned, "Prepare to become widow. Your husband will soon suffer a violent death!"

Hillary took a deep breath and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"
12 posted on 08/26/2002 2:39:46 PM PDT by stlrocket
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: yoe
I am convulsed with laughter. Thank you thank you.
13 posted on 08/26/2002 2:40:01 PM PDT by Ditter
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 8 | View Replies]

To: stlrocket
Democrat Tax Refunds

If you don't understand the Democrats' version of tax cuts (and you are not alone), this will help explain it for you:

50,000 people go to a baseball game, but the game was rained out. A refund was then due.

The team was about to mail refunds when the Congressional Democrats stopped them and suggested that they send out refund amounts based on the Democrat National Committee's interpretation of fairness.

After all, if the refunds were made based on the price each person paid for the tickets, most of the money would go to the ticket holders of the most expensive tickets. That would be unconscionable.

People in the $10 seats will get back $15, because they have less money to spend. Call it an "Earned" Income Ticket Credit". Persons "earn" it by demonstrating little ambition, few skills and poor work habits, thus keeping
them at entry-level wages.

People in the $25 seats will get back $25, because that's only fair.

People in the $50 seats will get back $1, because they already make a lot of money and don't need a refund. If they can afford a $50 ticket, then they must not be paying enough taxes.

People in the $75 luxury seats will have to pay another $50, because they have way too much to spend.

The people driving by the stadium who couldn't afford to watch the game will get $10 each, even though they didn't pay anything in, because they need the most help.

Now do you understand? If not, contact Representative Richard Gephardt or Senator Tom Daschle for assistance.
14 posted on 08/26/2002 2:41:30 PM PDT by rmgatto
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 12 | View Replies]

To: Sungirl
,,, here's an old favourite from New Zealand...

Cinderella, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo were all sitting around the nursery rhyme bar one after noon bragging about themselves.

Cinderella says, "I must be the most beautiful person in the world".
Tom Thumb says, "I must be the smallest person in the world".
Quasimodo says, "I must be the ugliest person in the world".

Hearing all this bragging the barman leans over the counter and suggests they head down to the Guinness Book of Records and verify themselves.

So off they go down the street and apply for their worldly status.

Cinderella comes out of the office and says, "It's now official. I am the most beautiful person in the world".

Tom Thumb comes out of the office and says, "It's now official. I am the smallest person in the world".

Quasimodo comes out of the office with a puzzled look on his face and says happily, "Who the hell is Helen Clark?"

[substitute Janet Reno for Helen Clark in local use]

15 posted on 08/26/2002 2:41:57 PM PDT by shaggy eel
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Sungirl
An exquisite painting entitled 'Home for Lunch' was on display in a Pennsylvania art gallery. It depicted three very naked, very black men sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on both ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis.

Two women were staring at the painting, trying to figure it out. The artist noticed their confusion. The artist asked, "Can I help you with this painting?

One woman replied, "We were curious about the painting of the black men on the bench. Why does the man in the middle have a pink penis?" "I'm afraid you've misinterpreted the painting" the artist explained. "The three men are not African - Americans . . .They are Pennsylvania coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went Home for Lunch."

16 posted on 08/26/2002 2:42:49 PM PDT by CholeraJoe
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Paul Atreides; Uncle Meat; Terriergal
,,, input opportunity ------->
17 posted on 08/26/2002 2:43:20 PM PDT by shaggy eel
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 15 | View Replies]

To: Sungirl
A bartender on a slow day looks up and sees President Bush and Collin Powell arriving and taking seats at the end of the bar.

He is surprised to see them and asks them what they are doing in a bar.

Powell answers, "We need time to discuss what the next actions will be in Iraq."

The bartender asks, "What are some of your ideas for Iraq?"

Bush answers, "Well we have one idea, but it won't be pretty. We will strategically drop a nuke in Iraq, but it will kill a half a million Iraqis, and one blonde with big boobs."

The bartender screams out, "Oh My God! A blonde with big boobs?! Why??"

Powell looks at Bush and says "See? I told ya no one would care about the half million Iraqis."

18 posted on 08/26/2002 2:47:09 PM PDT by thatsnotnice
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: maxwell
This thread is screaming for you bud.
19 posted on 08/26/2002 2:47:15 PM PDT by CholeraJoe
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 16 | View Replies]

To: El Sordo
At a rural church one Sunday in the middle of services, Satan appears. Right up in front of the altar in a puff of sickly green, foul smelling smoke and steam.

All the altar boys, the priest and the entire congregation head for the exits, screaming. Except for one.

An 80 year old man is sitting in the front row. He is sitting with his arms folded, staring straight at Satan.

Satan approaches him and says to him, "Don't you know who I am?"
The old man replies, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asks, "Don't you realize that I could destroy you with a word?"
The old man replies, "Yep, sure do."
Satan says, "Aren't you terrified of me?"
The old man replies, "Nope, sure ain't."
Exasperated, Satan finally asks in a booming voice that shakes the rafters, "And why not?!"

The old man replies, "'Cause I been married to yer sister fer 58 years."

20 posted on 08/26/2002 2:48:46 PM PDT by Bloody Sam Roberts
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 2 | View Replies]

To: shaggy eel
Hillary Clinton makes an ultra-secretive visit to one of New York's prestigious plastic surgeons.

"Doctor, I'm going to run for President in 2004; I need something that will help my image. What do you suggest?" implored a desperate Hillary.

The doctor took many pictures, consulted past case studies, and deliberated for a whole week. Upon Hillary's follow-up visit, the doctor presented his solution.

"Ms. Clinton, I have studied your problem very intensely, and have reached a decision, giving you two options. The procedure will depend on your preference. So, Ms. Clinton, what will it be: paper or plastic?"

21 posted on 08/26/2002 2:51:38 PM PDT by Paul Atreides
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 17 | View Replies]

To: Sungirl

22 posted on 08/26/2002 2:53:46 PM PDT by theophilusscribe
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Sungirl
In the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Time Warner implode,
I wanted to make a few close friends aware of the next expected
mergers so you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in late 2002 and make yourself a bundle.

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush and W.R.
Grace will merge and become Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros. and Zesta Crackers join forces
and become...Polly, Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as MMMGood.

4. Zippo Mfg., Audi Motor Car, Dofasco and Dakota Mining will merge
to become, of course, ZipAudiDoDa.

5. Federal Express is expected to join its major competitor, UPS,
and consolidate as FedUP

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become
Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become Poupon Pants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the Nat'l Org. of Women will become Knott NOW
23 posted on 08/26/2002 2:54:13 PM PDT by Mo1
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: CholeraJoe
This thread is screaming for you bud.

Bwahaha... Yep that's what they all do...

[hawks lugey, rolls up sleeves]

A doctor and his wife are having a terrible fight at the breakfast table. The doctor gets up in a rage and walks out yelling, "and you are not any good in bed either!" as he storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends. He calls his wife and after at least a dozen rings she answers the phone. Again irritated the doctor says "what took you so long to answer the phone"?

She says, "I was in bed".

"In bed this late in the day, doing what?"

"I was getting a second opinion!" she replied.

24 posted on 08/26/2002 2:58:18 PM PDT by maxwell
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 19 | View Replies]

To: All
Jimmy received a parrot for Christmas. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive; those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.

Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music...anything he could think of. Nothing worked.

He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer.

For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet.

Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."

Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

25 posted on 08/26/2002 3:00:14 PM PDT by Sungirl
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 24 | View Replies]

To: MeeknMing; Constitution Day; dubyaismypresident; hobbes1; Argh
Pingalingaling

A middle aged man and woman meet, fall in love, and decide to get married.

On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride says to her new groom, "Please promise to be gentle,... I am still a virgin."

The startled groom asks, "How can that be? You've been married 3 times before."

The bride responds...

"Well you see it was this way: My first husband was a psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it."

"My second husband was a gynecologist and all he ever wanted to do was look at it."

"And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he ever wanted to do was............. God I miss him!"

"But you're a lawyer, so now I *know* I'm gonna get screwed!"

26 posted on 08/26/2002 3:00:23 PM PDT by maxwell
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 24 | View Replies]

To: Sungirl
http://www.cnn.com/
27 posted on 08/26/2002 3:01:09 PM PDT by operation clinton cleanup
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: UB355
In a similar vein:

A man goes to the local kennel to get a guard dog.

He enters and tells the proprietor, "I want the meanest sumbitch dog you got."

The proprietor says, "Follow me. I've got just what you're looking for.

They head into the back to the cages and the man sees a German Shepard in the first cage barking ferociously.
The man says, "That's the dog. I want him."
The proprietor says, "No you don't. I've got one that's meaner."

In the second cage there is a Doberman Pinscher that is barking, drooling and chewing at the wire cage.

The man says, "THAT'S the one I want. He looks plenty mean!"
The proprietor says, "Not him. I've got better."

In the last cage in the corner, there is a Great Dane laying on his side, leisurely licking his A__hole.

The proprietor points to him and says, "There's your dog."

The man screams, "What!? He's laying down licking himself! How mean is that?"

The proprietor says, "You don't understand. He just ate a lawyer and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."

28 posted on 08/26/2002 3:02:43 PM PDT by Bloody Sam Roberts
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 9 | View Replies]

To: Sungirl
A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.

She put on her robe and went downstairs.

He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.

He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and we were so young?" he asked.

"Yes, I do," she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember."

"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend the next twenty years in jail?"

"Yes, I do," she said.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know...I would have gotten out today."

29 posted on 08/26/2002 3:03:54 PM PDT by Who dat?
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: theophilusscribe

30 posted on 08/26/2002 3:05:08 PM PDT by theophilusscribe
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 22 | View Replies]

To: operation clinton cleanup
That's the biggest joke so far!
31 posted on 08/26/2002 3:05:29 PM PDT by Sungirl
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 27 | View Replies]

Comment #32 Removed by Moderator

To: one_particular_harbour
First they sue the tobacco companies for giving them lung cancer;

Then the fast food places for making them fat;

Guess I can sue Budweiser for all the ugly women I have slept with.

33 posted on 08/26/2002 3:12:03 PM PDT by maxwell
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 32 | View Replies]

To: Sungirl
AND one a my alltime favorites--

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

... "No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."

34 posted on 08/26/2002 3:13:19 PM PDT by maxwell
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: All
The Rules -- This Time By Men

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note ... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it b!e.

1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

1 . Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pair! s of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If ! you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were goin! g out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the hell they're saying anyway.)

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Ye s, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.

35 posted on 08/26/2002 3:22:36 PM PDT by Sungirl
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 34 | View Replies]

To: maxwell
Bubba was burned to death in a horrible fire at the fertilizer plant. His body was charred beyond recognition. The coroner was pretty sure it was Bubba but he needed someone to make a positive ID. Since all of Bubba's kinfolk were in prison, he called Bubba's two best friends, Earl and Cletus down to the morgue.

Earl came in first and was shown Bubba's charred remains. He scratched his head for a minute and said, "Could you roll him over, Doc?"

The coroner rolled Bubba over and Earl said, "Nope. That ain't Bubba."

Cletus came in next. He looked at the burnt corpse and said, "Could you roll him over, please sir?"

The coroner rolled the corpse over and Cletus immediately said, "That ain't Bubba."

The coroner was baffled and called the two men together and said, "Are you sure this isn't Bubba?"

They both nodded and said, "Yup. Bubba's got two a$$holes."

The coroner was even more puzzled and siad, "How do you know?"

Earl spoke up and said, "Well me, Cletus and Bubba was the best of friends and went everywhere together. Bubba was the leader and always walked in first. Everytime, people would say 'Here's Bubba with his two a$$holes.'"

36 posted on 08/26/2002 3:27:31 PM PDT by CholeraJoe
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 34 | View Replies]

To: Sungirl
Mankinds Most Important Discoveries!
Discoveries

Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.

Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.



Man discovered colors, invented painting.

Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.



Man discovered speech, invented conversation.

Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.



Man discovered agriculture, invented food.

Woman discovered food, invented diet.



Man discovered friendship, invented love.

Woman discovered love, invented marriage.



Man discovered woman, invented sex.

Woman discovered sex, invented headache.



Man discovered trade, invented money.

Woman discovered money, man was all screwed up after that.
37 posted on 08/26/2002 3:32:23 PM PDT by stlrocket
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 35 | View Replies]

To: Sungirl

38 posted on 08/26/2002 3:34:02 PM PDT by theophilusscribe
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 35 | View Replies]

To: maxwell
Guess I can sue Budweiser for all the ugly women I have slept with.

Bwahahahaha....

39 posted on 08/26/2002 3:42:13 PM PDT by NeoCaveman
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 33 | View Replies]

To: Sungirl
The pastor was eloquently expounding on Jonah's mission to find one good person in Nineveh and was about to end his sermon, when a nerdy looking college student stood up and asked

"Do you think Jonah was really in the belly of a whale for three days?"

Flustered, the pastor said "Well, I don't know for sure, but when I get to heaven, I'll ask him."

The nerd responded, "What if he isn't there?"

Not missing a beat, the pastor said "Well, then YOU ask him."

40 posted on 08/26/2002 3:52:56 PM PDT by sinkspur
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: B4Ranch; Excuse_My_Bellicosity; Pete-R-Bilt; Texaggie79; Sir Gawain
care to weigh in?

("no, you don't look fat in those jeans" time.)

41 posted on 08/26/2002 4:03:17 PM PDT by glock rocks
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Sungirl
oldie but a clean one ...

One day, a very small, sickly-looking man with thick glasses rode into a western town on the stagecoach. He applied for a job as the town bartender. The owner didn't know if the little guy could handle the crowded bar, but after a couple of days watching him the owner was satisfied.

He explained to the little man, "We have a rowdy crowd in here, but never any real trouble so I'm sure you can handle it. A few fights, but nothing dangerous, except ... there's this guy lives out in the hills, name of Big John. He's a real mean one, and will likely tear you in half just for fun. Don't worry about nothing if he comes to town, just drop everything and run for *your life* if ever you hear that Big John is on his way to town."

Things went fine for a few months. Suddenly, a big, strong cowhand with a ghost-white look on his face burst through the swinging doors shouting, "Big John's a'comin'! Big John's a'comin'!" The patrons scrambled to get out the door, knocking the small bartender for a loop as they pushed by him.

The bartender gathered his senses about him and had just found his glasses when the room went dark. He put them on to see a giant of a man eclipsing the saloon doors. Riding bareback on a buffalo, using a rattlesnake for a whip, he came right through the saloon doors, splintering away the doors and doorframe! The man FLUNG the snake into the corner, KNOCKED over tables, and took his massive fist and SPLIT the bar in half as he demanded a drink. "Y-y-yes sir!" The bartender nervously handed a bottle out to the man.

He BIT the top of the bottle right off with his teeth, downed the contents in one gulp, let out a belch that shattered the saloon's mirror, . . . and then turned to leave. The bartender realized he wasn't going to hurt him, so he asked the man if he would like another drink?

"I ain't got no time," the man roared as he got on his buffalo, rattlesnake in hand. "Big Jooooohn's a'comin' to town!"
42 posted on 08/26/2002 4:06:34 PM PDT by fnord
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Victoria Delsoul; Texaggie79; dead; TomServo; nunya bidness; glock rocks; Rebelbase; ...
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules
from the male side. These are our rules! Please note ... these are all
numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.

Let it be.

1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

1. If something we said can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during adverts.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of
mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...
Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as ... does she take it up the arse, benefits of a 3-5-2 wing back format to 4-4-2, or tits.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.

43 posted on 08/26/2002 4:13:21 PM PDT by Sir Gawain
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 41 | View Replies]

To: glock rocks
An older couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly. "Well," she says, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently."

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually and asked, "Was that one word or two words?"

44 posted on 08/26/2002 4:28:32 PM PDT by B4Ranch
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 41 | View Replies]

To: Sir Gawain
All the jokes I have memorized now are ethnic and I can't post them here.
45 posted on 08/26/2002 4:31:09 PM PDT by weikel
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 43 | View Replies]

To: Sungirl
Warning! Completely tasteless, (but it's the only fairly new one I have)...forgive me.

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy.

One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today? I'll hike north and spend the day looking around; you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire."

The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.

That night over dinner, the first man tells his story.

"Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"

The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."

"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"

"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."
46 posted on 08/26/2002 4:32:00 PM PDT by SandyEgo
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Sir Gawain
First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needin'".
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.

Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.

Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.

Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth.
Ruined the whole XXXXXXX thing.

47 posted on 08/26/2002 4:34:37 PM PDT by B4Ranch
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 43 | View Replies]

To: B4Ranch
LOL.
48 posted on 08/26/2002 4:44:22 PM PDT by weikel
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 47 | View Replies]

To: B4Ranch
The mouth has its uses.... but get rid of the vocal cords.
49 posted on 08/26/2002 4:44:52 PM PDT by weikel
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 47 | View Replies]

To: Sir Gawain; B4Ranch
One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God,

"Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Adam?", God replies.

"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Adam?" God replies.

"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."

"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a woman for you."

"What's a woman, Lord.?"

"This woman will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you," replies the heavenly voice.

"Sounds great."

"She will be, but this is going to cost you , Adam."

"How much will this woman cost me Lord?"

"She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, and an ear.

Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God, "Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?"

50 posted on 08/26/2002 4:47:06 PM PDT by weikel
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 43 | View Replies]


Navigation: use the links below to view more comments.
first 1-5051-100101-150151-167 next last

Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.

Free Republic
Browse · Search
General/Chat
Topics · Post Article

FreeRepublic, LLC, PO BOX 9771, FRESNO, CA 93794
FreeRepublic.com is powered by software copyright 2000-2008 John Robinson