Skip to comments.JOKE THREAD
Posted on 08/26/2002 2:28:58 PM PDT by Sungirl
I never see a running joke thread in here....so I thought I'd start one since I received this great joke. Hope you will add on.....
"Doctor, I'm going to run for President in 2004; I need something that will help my image. What do you suggest?" implored a desperate Hillary.
The doctor took many pictures, consulted past case studies, and deliberated for a whole week. Upon Hillary's follow-up visit, the doctor presented his solution.
"Ms. Clinton, I have studied your problem very intensely, and have reached a decision, giving you two options. The procedure will depend on your preference. So, Ms. Clinton, what will it be: paper or plastic?"
Bwahaha... Yep that's what they all do...
[hawks lugey, rolls up sleeves]
A doctor and his wife are having a terrible fight at the breakfast table. The doctor gets up in a rage and walks out yelling, "and you are not any good in bed either!" as he storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends. He calls his wife and after at least a dozen rings she answers the phone. Again irritated the doctor says "what took you so long to answer the phone"?
She says, "I was in bed".
"In bed this late in the day, doing what?"
"I was getting a second opinion!" she replied.
Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music...anything he could think of. Nothing worked.
He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet.
Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."
Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"
A middle aged man and woman meet, fall in love, and decide to get married.
On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride says to her new groom, "Please promise to be gentle,... I am still a virgin."
The startled groom asks, "How can that be? You've been married 3 times before."
The bride responds...
"Well you see it was this way: My first husband was a psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it."
"My second husband was a gynecologist and all he ever wanted to do was look at it."
"And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he ever wanted to do was............. God I miss him!"
"But you're a lawyer, so now I *know* I'm gonna get screwed!"
A man goes to the local kennel to get a guard dog.
He enters and tells the proprietor, "I want the meanest sumbitch dog you got."
The proprietor says, "Follow me. I've got just what you're looking for.
They head into the back to the cages and the man sees a German Shepard in the first cage barking ferociously.
The man says, "That's the dog. I want him."
The proprietor says, "No you don't. I've got one that's meaner."
In the second cage there is a Doberman Pinscher that is barking, drooling and chewing at the wire cage.
The man says, "THAT'S the one I want. He looks plenty mean!"
The proprietor says, "Not him. I've got better."
In the last cage in the corner, there is a Great Dane laying on his side, leisurely licking his A__hole.
The proprietor points to him and says, "There's your dog."
The man screams, "What!? He's laying down licking himself! How mean is that?"
The proprietor says, "You don't understand. He just ate a lawyer and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."
She put on her robe and went downstairs.
He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.
He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.
"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and we were so young?" he asked.
"Yes, I do," she replied.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember."
"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend the next twenty years in jail?"
"Yes, I do," she said.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know...I would have gotten out today."
Then the fast food places for making them fat;
Guess I can sue Budweiser for all the ugly women I have slept with.
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"
"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?" asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"
... "No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note ... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it b!e.
1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
1 . Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pair! s of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Check your oil! Please.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If ! you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were goin! g out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the hell they're saying anyway.)
1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Ye s, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.
Earl came in first and was shown Bubba's charred remains. He scratched his head for a minute and said, "Could you roll him over, Doc?"
The coroner rolled Bubba over and Earl said, "Nope. That ain't Bubba."
Cletus came in next. He looked at the burnt corpse and said, "Could you roll him over, please sir?"
The coroner rolled the corpse over and Cletus immediately said, "That ain't Bubba."
The coroner was baffled and called the two men together and said, "Are you sure this isn't Bubba?"
They both nodded and said, "Yup. Bubba's got two a$$holes."
The coroner was even more puzzled and siad, "How do you know?"
Earl spoke up and said, "Well me, Cletus and Bubba was the best of friends and went everywhere together. Bubba was the leader and always walked in first. Everytime, people would say 'Here's Bubba with his two a$$holes.'"
"Do you think Jonah was really in the belly of a whale for three days?"
Flustered, the pastor said "Well, I don't know for sure, but when I get to heaven, I'll ask him."
The nerd responded, "What if he isn't there?"
Not missing a beat, the pastor said "Well, then YOU ask him."
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