Is There Love after 50?

1.20.03 | self

[Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done]

You know me by another forum name. My life and marriage has fallen apart. I need some Freeper wisdom. Have there been men and women on this web site who have picked up their lives, pulled it together, and moved on after age fifty? I have two young children.

I have worked on the marriage for years. There just isn't any more left in me. Some things just don't fix. I would be grateful to hear other Freeper experience.

[JMJ333]

My father was a professing Catholic, who made me go to church when I didn't want to. Then one day he changed. He became someone I didn't recognize. He left my mom, and there was nothing either of us could do about it. Grace is not a constant. We have free will to make our own choices, and sometimes people choose not to follow God, but their own desires. This leaves loved ones out in the cold--I know--I have been there. I still pray for him, even though he abandoned me.

I would suggest a number of things, but if your husband isn't willing to try then I would not attempt them, as they would most likely push him farther away. My advice is still to turn to God in prayer. Make a point of going to church extra, perhaps for bible study. Ask him if he wants to come. If not, that is okay, but still go anyway. Let God shine forth from your soul.

In the end, it can only make you stronger and will help you deal with your present situation. But know that God works on his own time, and that sometimes it feels like he isn't listening. That is our cross that we must bear. Take it up and follow him.

As hard as that is, it does bring comfort for those who know how to utilize suffering and make it bear fruit. ;)

[Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done]

My father was a professing Catholic, who made me go to church when I didn't want to. Then one day he changed. He became someone I didn't recognize. He left my mom, and there was nothing either of us could do about it. Grace is not a constant. We have free will to make our own choices, and sometimes people choose not to follow God, but their own desires. This leaves loved ones out in the cold--I know--I have been there.


Close fit here. Thank you for your gift of your story. My fruit are the children and I need to make sure that I am committed to protect and care for them.

[Technogeeb]

Considering you do not know this person or their circumstances you assume a lot

I assumed nothing; she already mentioned there was no infidelity in the marriage. That alone is the greatest indication that the marriage can be saved.

I do not recall having seen any request to discuss the fine points of Christian doctrine

I have not discussed any fine points of Christian doctrine. I just pointed out a truth.

Can't you see this person is in pain!!

Of course I can. But when a person is sick you give them medicine and hope; not the poison of a false solution. Telling someone a lie that could destroy their future just because you think it will make them feel better is not a sign of Love.

I know you think you are sharing the truth but how can you know what the truth is when you do not know this persons circumstances

What makes you think I don't know this person's circumstances? I know there is no infidelity. I know there are children. Those two signs, by themselves, are sufficient to know that this marriage has love in it, and every effort should be expended to save it because it can be saved. Not "probably can", but definitely can. From her words, I know she is tired, and feels like she's exhausted every avenue to fix the problems. But she hasn't; and it is more important for her to know that than it is for her to hear "feel good" words about the potential for a life after divorce.

[WhyisaTexasgirlinPA]

I am sorry for the pain you are experiencing....and I know many wish to give you good advice, but you are the one living this nightmare. Only you know how hard you have tried and what you have forgotten, forgiven, or just overlooked to keep things liveable in your home.

One thing I hope for you to consider- I am a Christian, and believe in the value of marriage - but, I also believe that if both partners are not willing to make the sacrifices needed to keep the marriage strong, one should not have to suffer in silence. Him being a profession Christian does not really mean a lot, if he is not being a true husband to you.

To my way of thinking, your children are more important than the vows of marriage. These character flaws that you mentioned probably are visible to your children too. Obviously they will always see those flaws in their father, but, will your acceptance of those flaws and your subservience to his treatment of you also be absorbed by the children? I know this is a horrible thing for you to even consider - and I apologize if my wording sounds harsh, I certainly don't mean for it to. What I am trying to say is, what message is reaching your children? Some will say that by divorcing you teach your children that you can just give up on things that are hard...... however, in your circumstances, it might teach your children that sometimes you have to make a difficult decision for the greater good of all involved.

My most sincerely heartfelt wishes for you, your children, and your husband. May you all find peace, through God, at this trouble time in your lives.

[areafiftyone]

If you are not happy with your partner - I say be over and done with that person. Why be miserable when you have exhausted all efforts. The last thing you need for your kids and yourself is a miserable marriage. Believe me your kids would rather you be happy than miserable. Try a separation for a bit and when you are ready and have the courage - go for the divorce. I know its hard but keep your chin up. Get your life together. Maybe its about time you think about you and the kids now. If your partner doesn't want to make a go of it - let that person go. Forcing a marriage is worse than being happily independent. You are not an old person by any means and dont' let anyone tell you that you are. There are plenty of people out there in the same boat. Just sit down and figure out what you are going to do and get the courage together and JUST DO IT! It will hurt at first but gradually you will be happy that you did it.

[Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done]

Thank you for your words. They help.

[Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done]

I am not sure whether I could divorce, but I could separate. Some times it is healthy to step back. Thank you for telling me I am not old, I need to hear that today.

[WhyisaTexasgirlinPA]

Area, your words reminded me of something I read recently....... Years after his parents divorced, the Mother apologized to her child for any pain the divorce had caused and he replied, "We wondered why you didn't divorce sooner.....everyone was happier once it was over"......

I know this isn't the case every time, but it does happen.......

[Positive]

Hi - I think I felt almost exactly the way you do now six years ago, only I was "only" 49.

I got unstuck. Here's how.

First, I went on a diet (Atkins) and started a very rigorous exercise program. I figured being a fat bald guy wasn't a very good jumping off point. Well my workouts are outdoors so I get a lot of sun (Southern Calif.) I shaved the part of my head that still grows hair (took a while to get the side walls tanned), but now days the shaved head look is kinda in...long story short after about six months, I looked in the mirror and saw a tanned, toned, lean (6'4" - 210 lbs) guy looking sort of like "Mr. Clean" only my eye brows aren't white - flat stomach; the works.

Very important - don't get into the booze right now - wait until you're feeling a lot better about yourself.

Once you feel good and think to yourself "I look good" you'll be amazed at how well you get along - especially with the opposite sex - they can smell confidence, I swear it.

Well that's a start - I'm 55 now and life is good.

Now if you're already in very good physical condition, have all of your hair and you're successful financially, you're set, just find yourself a new one, believe me there are plenty of them out there - at least as many as there are of us.

[areafiftyone]

I knew some kids when I was growing up in high school and they were talking to me and my friend who were both from divorced homes. They said to me and my friends - you guys are lucky you are from divorced parents. We were stunned and asked them why and they said they hate to come home because their parents are either fighting or not talking. They would rather visit them separately than deal with the pain of seeing either of them unhappy at the other one. At least the parents would be happy to see them and would not be at the other parent's throat if they were in different homes. Sometimes you have to think of how it effects the kids to see parents constantly unhappy with each other. You only get one life here on this earth and you have to make the most of it.

[areafiftyone]

If Divorce is too painful don't do it. Just separate and take it one step at a time. See how things go - take it slow - work on yourself - start with your attitude - then you can work on your body. After all if you feel good you automatically look good to other people. If you want to make physical changes like losing weight, changing hair, etc. thats wonderful but you have to change the inside first. You have a whole new life ahead of you and your kids - try to make it the best it can be. Its not the end of the world - its just the beginning!!

[Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done]

I got your private post. Thank you for this one too... It gave me a lift. I do have all my hair, thank the Lord. I had lost weight and was toned but have been working 7 days a week and am stressed. I know once my schedule changes I will get to the gym again. I feel trapped in amber and filled with anger and I don't want to be this way any more.

[Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done]

My children are having a difficult time with the tension and anger, and so am I.

[Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done]

Thank you, Sometimes I look backwards instead of forwards.

[mlmr]

Bump