Let's Help Dan Rather Write His Resignation Speech

NL ^ | 09/13/04 | NittanyLion

[NittanyLion]

Since, it's clearly just a matter of time, I say we help Dan write his resignation speech. Here's my start...

Tonight, this reporter speaks to his beloved American public for the last time. Internet pajama posters have succeeded in generating enough heat to peel paint off a house. The spin has come faster than a Texas Twister. And tonight, that heat and spin has generated a crackling hickory fire that threatens to melt this network faster than ice cream in a microwave.

Even though these extreme, ultra right-wingers’ claims are shakier than cafeteria Jell-O, this reporter will sacrifice himself to save his network. These claims have circulated around the Internet faster than a boll weevil through a cotton field, and the result is like a too-small bathing suit on a too-hot car ride back from the beach. But don’t cry for me Argentina, as in my 40 years at CBS I’ve had a chance to meet true giants – true heroes of the 20th Century. Men like Fidel Castro. Saddam Hussein. Afghan rebels. Kidnapping cab drivers. Even deranged REM fans. It’s all been so special I feel like a cat in a creamery.

And so tonight, this reporter signs off. Courage!

[HisKingdomWillAbolishSinDeath]

I have decided to retire. Fidel has offered me a job as Information Minister. I can't pass up such an opportunity. Validating documents, fact checking, opposition media, those are obsolete ideas of the Imperialists. This is a "workers paradise", especially for a guy like me.

PATRIA O MUERTE!

VENCEREMOS!

[Stultis]

LOL!

But wouldn't it be helpful to forge and mail a letter of resignation as well?