Free Republic
Browse · Search
Bloggers & Personal
Topics · Post Article

Skip to comments.

Britain Revokes US Independence - Way Too Funny
Jim Carruther's Resonation Blog ^ | 11/6/2004 | "mose"

Posted on 12/17/2004 3:00:14 PM PST by dr_pat

England's Notice of Revocation of Independence, 3 November 2004 To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect an acceptable President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP (for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" eg. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2006. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler.

8. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

10. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be refered to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine".

12. From November 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2004) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

13. You will hand over Mel Gibson to face charges of treason.

14. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your cooperation.


TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: britishaccent; declaration; independence; melgibson; tonyblair; upperclasstwit
My apologies if this is a repeat - all my searches are failed to find it!
1 posted on 12/17/2004 3:00:16 PM PST by dr_pat
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | View Replies]

To: dr_pat

Piss off, you bloody wanker!


2 posted on 12/17/2004 3:01:50 PM PST by sauropod (Hitlary: "We're going to take things away from you on behalf of the common good.")
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: dr_pat

it would be better if the US colonized Britain :) and maybe the Netherlands too, we could sure use a dose of liberty to counter the illness of subsidized socialism.


3 posted on 12/17/2004 3:02:11 PM PST by William of Orange (Can anyone help me with HTML tags? Private mail me! Thanx :-)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: dr_pat

LOL


4 posted on 12/17/2004 3:03:08 PM PST by cyborg (http://www.zimbabwesituation.com/flamelily.html)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: dr_pat
for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders

We're aware it exists. We just aren't aware it's worth notice.

5 posted on 12/17/2004 3:07:19 PM PST by atomicpossum (I am the Cat that walks by himself, and all places are alike to me.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: dr_pat

This is FOUR YEARS OLD!!!

Hey, just in...the Year 2000 emailed me and they want their joke back!!!


6 posted on 12/17/2004 3:07:19 PM PST by PeterFinn (The NAACP can have a recount of the Ohio vote if I can have a recount of the Million Man March.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: dr_pat
My apologies if this is a repeat - all my searches are failed to find it!\

You shoulda looked December 2000

(But Still funny)

7 posted on 12/17/2004 3:21:40 PM PST by Oztrich Boy (Never Apolgise. Never Explain)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: dr_pat
Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Well...O.K....being from the British Isles, they should know what a ghillie suit is. Since they've forgotten what "private firearms ownership is, Cousin IT will reaquaint them....from at least 900 yards. :-)


8 posted on 12/17/2004 3:23:23 PM PST by hiredhand ( "Pudge the Indestructible Kitty" lives at - http://www.justonemorefarm.com)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: dr_pat

When they can pry my cold, dead, fingers off it, they can have my "nearly frozen gnat-piss."

And as for the letters: screw yo.


9 posted on 12/17/2004 3:24:02 PM PST by papertyger
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: sauropod
Piss off, you bloody wanker!

No...no...no...

The proper response is....

Bugger off you ignorant git! :-)
10 posted on 12/17/2004 3:25:56 PM PST by hiredhand ( "Pudge the Indestructible Kitty" lives at - http://www.justonemorefarm.com)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 2 | View Replies]

To: dr_pat; BritishBulldog
What drives me crazy is to hear to my ancestral kinsmen saying, "Shed-dule". It's "Sked-dule", dang you! Can't you speak English?:)
11 posted on 12/17/2004 3:30:45 PM PST by xJones
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: dr_pat

I think this article deserves that Clint Eastwood picture are saying, does anyone have that picture and immortal words of Clint Eastwood ?


12 posted on 12/17/2004 3:52:15 PM PST by Prophet in the wilderness (PSALM 53 : 1 The ( FOOL ) hath said in his heart , There is no GOD .)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: dr_pat
How can they revoke something that they never gave us in the first place ? we won our freedom and Independence from Jolly old England, we wiped the snot out of them not once, but two times in 2 wars.
Remember buddy ? The Brits " SURRENDERED " at YORKTOWN , does that ring a bell ? YORKTOWN ???????
Then ? we saved your butts not once, but, twice in 2 world wars.
13 posted on 12/17/2004 4:00:55 PM PST by Prophet in the wilderness (PSALM 53 : 1 The ( FOOL ) hath said in his heart , There is no GOD .)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: hiredhand
What about the weapons, and ships, and those men of ours that died in 2 world wars to save your butts ? I think, just like the civil war issue and reparations, " ALL DEBTS HAVE BEEN PAID IN FULL " .
14 posted on 12/17/2004 4:08:16 PM PST by Prophet in the wilderness (PSALM 53 : 1 The ( FOOL ) hath said in his heart , There is no GOD .)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 8 | View Replies]

To: dr_pat
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

Back off, or Keanu Reeves is the next James Bond. It'll hurt you more than it'll hurt us.

15 posted on 12/17/2004 4:26:13 PM PST by wizardoz
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Prophet in the wilderness
I AGREE with you. I'm just saying....if this weren't a humorous jab at us, then so be it. We'll do what we've done so many time before.
16 posted on 12/17/2004 4:37:15 PM PST by hiredhand ( "Pudge the Indestructible Kitty" lives at - http://www.justonemorefarm.com)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 14 | View Replies]

To: dr_pat

It may be a repeat but some things need to go around again.

Thanks!


17 posted on 12/17/2004 5:03:21 PM PST by Recall
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: hiredhand
your right, but, we should not give this bozo any credence
18 posted on 12/17/2004 5:12:55 PM PST by Prophet in the wilderness (PSALM 53 : 1 The ( FOOL ) hath said in his heart , There is no GOD .)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 16 | View Replies]

To: sauropod
Piss off, you bloody wanker!

Yeah! That's the spirit! LOL
19 posted on 12/17/2004 5:26:06 PM PST by dr_pat (Where my vote? Prove my vote count! Me difrenchantized in California!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 2 | View Replies]

To: William of Orange
...better if the US colonized Britain :) and maybe the Netherlands too, we could sure use a dose of liberty to counter the illness of subsidized socialism

And what about Canada?
20 posted on 12/17/2004 5:29:11 PM PST by dr_pat (Where my vote? Prove my vote count! Me difrenchantized in California!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 3 | View Replies]

To: PeterFinn
This is FOUR YEARS OLD!!!

But still funny, no? (I guess that explains why I didn't find it in a search.)
21 posted on 12/17/2004 5:30:28 PM PST by dr_pat (Where my vote? Prove my vote count! Me difrenchantized in California!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 6 | View Replies]

To: xJones; BritishBulldog
What drives me crazy is to hear to my ancestral kinsmen saying, "Shed-dule".

As an Aussie friend once told me, it all depends on what shool you went to...
22 posted on 12/17/2004 5:32:09 PM PST by dr_pat (Where my vote? Prove my vote count! Me difrenchantized in California!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 11 | View Replies]

To: dr_pat
As an Aussie friend once told me, it all depends on what shool you went to...

In east Texas it's pronounced, "scoo".

You may have wondered why President Bush's Texas nickname is Dubya. That's because of how his middle initial, "W", is pronounced. BTW, we like it. :)

23 posted on 12/17/2004 6:47:32 PM PST by xJones
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 22 | View Replies]

To: dr_pat
And what about Canada?

Shuck off Quebec and we could make a deal.

24 posted on 12/17/2004 6:51:26 PM PST by xJones
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 20 | View Replies]

To: dr_pat
And what about Canada?

Canada was never independent.

Canadians think they are independent but they have always been dependent on first Great Britain and then the United States to defend their territorial integrity.

25 posted on 12/17/2004 7:00:28 PM PST by Polybius
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 20 | View Replies]

To: wizardoz; dr_pat
Back off, or Keanu Reeves is the next James Bond. It'll hurt you more than it'll hurt us.

Yuck! Who wants a gay James Bond?

26 posted on 12/17/2004 10:36:26 PM PST by Paleo Conservative (Hey! Hey! Ho! Ho! Dan Rather's got to go!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 15 | View Replies]

Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.

Free Republic
Browse · Search
Bloggers & Personal
Topics · Post Article

FreeRepublic, LLC, PO BOX 9771, FRESNO, CA 93794
FreeRepublic.com is powered by software copyright 2000-2008 John Robinson