Skip to comments.Some parodies of Tom Cruise from The Spoof! web site.
Posted on 07/12/2005 9:42:44 PM PDT by Jacob Kell
'New York - Tom Cruise, who clashed with Today show host Matt Lauer on Friday when Lauer brought up Cruise's earlier criticism of Brooke Shields for taking anti-depressants, issued an apology today for his belligerent behavior from Hollywood.
According to his publicist, Mr. Cruise failed to take his prescribed dose of Ritalin that morning and, as a result, was "a tiny bit on the edge."
"Tom is doing fine now," publicist/sister/fellow Scientologist, Lee Ann Devett explained to reporters. "Between his new bride's constant need for attention and being sprayed in the face with water last week at the London premiere of his new movie, it's more important than ever that he sticks to his strict regiment of exercise, vitamins, and Scientology. You see, Tom has a very fragile psyche," she continued. "When he goes off the vitamins, especially the Ritalin, he can be quite unpredictable."
Unpredictable indeed. Cruise went on the defensive during the Today show interview with Matt Lauer last week, accusing him of "knowing nothing about psychiatry." When Lauer pushed the issue, Cruise leaned toward him aggressively, stating "I've studied the history of psychiatry, Matt, and you haven't." He added, "I had to memorize the entire script of Rain Man once. Have you ever memorized a script about a savant, Matt? Well, have you Matt? "
Lauer's every attempt to refocus the star was met with further aggression. When Lauer asked about his new movie, War of The Worlds,Cruise responded, "You don't know anything about Martians, do you,Matt? I know about Martians. My first wife was a Martin. Have you ever been married to a Martian, Matt?"
"I was waiting for him to punch me," Lauer later said to an unnamed Today show insider. "The guy was out there, man. I mean, I've interviewed some nuts before, but holy crap."
This is the second incident of bizarre behavior involving Cruise and interviewers in recent weeks. While on the Oprah Winfrey show recently,Winfrey's personal security forces went on high alert as Cruise stood on her couch and raved wildly about himself.
"I came this close to taking the dude out," Rocky Lee Brown,Winfrey's chief security aide told reporters. "Nobody messes with Oprah on my watch...Nobody."
Ms. Winfrey herself had no comment regarding the incident.
Cruise's scheduled appearance on Dr. Phil next week has been cancelled.'
Here's another one:
'The war is on over which down-and-out movie star will land the now undeniable public relations expertise of Tom Cruise's former publicist, Pat Kingsley. While she was already one of Hollywood's most powerful and respected PR gurus, the excruciating meltdown of her former Top Gun client now has Tinseltown's most washed-up stars beating down her door with pleas to take over their tottering careers.
"I've been serenading Pat outside of her bedroom window every night for the past two weeks," says Christian Slater, whose career is rapidly descending into one whore-slapping coke bust after another. "Pat, if you're listening, I'll do anything you say. I'm your puppet. You want me to stop doing drugs; I'll stop doing drugs. You want me to start doing more drugs; I'll start doing more drugs. Save me, Pat, save me."
But Christian Slater has plenty of equally desperate competition for the services of Tom Cruise's erstwhile wonder publicist. Big names, or perhaps former big names, such as Charlie Sheen, Robert Downey Jr. and Tom Sizemore are among the many embattled actors frantically vying for the talents of the woman who miraculously managed to hide the fact that Tom Cruise is barking mad for 14 glorious years.
"Hell, if that broad can protect Tom Cruise from people finding out he's batshit insane, then she can sure as hell find a way for me to pass a piss test," said actor Tom Sizemore, whose crystal meth abuse has derailed a once promising career of portraying a variety of fearsome psychotics so dead-on that you'd almost think he was on crystal meth or something.
"Look, nobody needs Pat Kingsley like I need Pat Kingsley," argues a frazzled Charlie Sheen, whose boozing and whoring exploits long ago outstripped his thespian achievements. "I mean I'm not going around jumping on furniture or browbeating people with mental illnesses as if I have a medical degree, but I do love hookers. God, do I love hookers."
Yet despite the barrage of offers Cruise's former publicist is receiving from Hollywood's legion of future B-movie staples, the former PR flak has been dead silent. Perhaps reflecting on the irony of the situation, the celebrity Svengali who once beat back hordes of Tinseltown jackals is now fending off every has-been actor looking to make a comeback.
"I don't want to seem desperate, but if Pat Kingsley doesn't take over my career I'll kill myself; I'll do it," warned Paul Reubens, AKA Pee Wee Herman. "Any day now I might start abusing myself outside of preschools. For god's sake, Pat, help me. I used to be a star. I had my own TV show. Kids worshipped me. Now thanks to that damn Megan's Law, if I get within five feet of anyone under 14, I can legally be zapped in the yarbles with a Taser."
"I'm not threatening Pat Kingsley or anything," said a disturbingly twitchy Robert Blake, "but I think it would behoove her to become my publicist. She can interpret that however she likes."
But actors are not the only potential clients pleading with the now legendary celebrity spindoctor for assistance. Troubled singers Bobby Brown and Courtney Love are also in the race.
"Yeah, I sometimes beat Whitney until her eyeballs bleed," admits Bobby Brown, "but if Pat Kingsley could keep Tom Cruise out of a straitjacket for that long, she can keep me out of an orange jumpsuit."
"I drove my rock icon husband to suicide and now millions of unforgiving grungers wake up every morning and diligently pray with all their disaffected hearts that today will be the day I suck on my last crack pipe," confesses a bedraggled Courtney Love, "but if Pat Kingsley could keep that preachy Scientology freak Tom Cruise from revealing that he's like some spooky alien worshipper, then she can get my career started again even though I'm being kept alive entirely by a mixture of grain alcohol and CIA-grade crack."
Nevertheless, as truly pathetic as all of these fading celebrity prostrations are, the one big name being bandied about most conspicuously with regard to the services of Cruise's former publicist is none other than America's number one celebrity freak show, Michael Jackson. Though a Jackson spokesperson would neither confirm nor deny the rumors about the recently exonerated King of Pop contracting the master PR flak to resuscitate his plummeting career, an anonymous senior Neverland official says that details are now being smoothed out.
"It's not official yet," says the anonymous Neverland insider, "but if she could single-handedly prevent one of Hollywood's most powerful and adored superstars from becoming an insufferably pompous zealot hell-bent on wrecking his career, then maybe, just maybe, she can make people forget about Michael's 87 plastic surgeries that have made him look like a twisted muppet, that dangling a baby out of third-story window incident, and the whole unfortunate molesting young boys business. She's pretty much our only hope."
Yet for now there is only silence from Cruise's former publicist. Where are you, Pat Kingsley? Todd Bridges needs you. Mickey Rourke is making a comeback. Andrew Dice Clay is out there trying to stave off obscurity. The cast of "The Breakfast Club" isn't getting any younger. Diana Ross is wondering around drunk as a Welsh poet. Madonna is one more horrible movie role away from being forcibly retired.
But if you cannot save all of these waning stars, Pat Kingsley, at least cleanse Tom Cruise's vile body thetans before he goes on Larry King. Or how about just give him some Ritalin?'
I think he's just nuts from all that Scientology propaganda. Demons have taken over his soul.
I hope Tom keeps talking because it shows what a confused person he really is. What a fruitcake.
I think Cruise found what seems to be one of my ex-girlfriends. Martians? I never thought of that!!!
I just did, in the same sections.
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