Posted on 07/22/2008 1:14:55 PM PDT by Gypsy Man
A weekly SATIRICAL feature from your friends at Not WRIGHT for America
Not WRIGHT for America has learned that Barack Obama will make the bold and surprising move of calling for a Bill of Rights. Senator Obama will use the occasion of his meeting with Palestinian leaders to unveil his new plan. Readers may recall that Not WRIGHT for America noted Obama's support for special new rights for terrorists in early July.
Not WRIGHT for America was able to obtain an advance copy of Obama's remarks, including the candidate's own notes, which he plans to make Wednesday in the West Bank:
Good morning. As many of you know, last month I praised the U.S. Supreme Court's ruling that rights enshrined in the U.S. Constitution applied to suspected terrorists who had never even set foot on American soil. I also indicated that the first World Trade Center bombing trials, which occurred in a regular civilian court, were the proper model to follow in dealing with terrorists. (Note to self--I prefer the phrase "ununiformed combatants." "Terrorist" just sounds so harsh and judgmental...but we'll have to wait for the Obama administration to introduce that kinder, gentler phrase!)
In praising the Guantanamo Bay ruling, I said at the time that "this is an important step toward re-establishing our credibility as a nation committed to the rule of law." The Obama Terrorist's Bill of Rights, a proposal I will outline in a moment is another important step. (Note to self--if there are any of my supporters from Hamas in the crowd, ask them to please hold their applause!) Be on the lookout for additional steps in the future, once I decide what those are.
If I am elected, the Obama Justice Department will honor these important rights. As I would also be commander-in-chief, so would the military. Terrorists are people too.
1. Terrorists will have the right to an attorney, provided by the taxpayers if necessary. An attorney is critical to a terrorist being able to defend himself adequately in court, where terrorists will be tried in an Obama administration. The worst criminals in America get lawyers, the worst terrorists in the world should get lawyers too. (Note to self--this should also help provide some work for my lawyer friends who make up part of my base, assuming they can stand to represent these people!)
2. Terrorists will have the right to be free from racial profiling. Never mind that Osama and 15 of the 19 suspected hijackers on 9/11 came from a single country, Saudi Arabia. To paraphrase an American saying about the criminal justice system, it is better that 100 guilty terrorists go free than one innocent terrorist be convicted.
3. In order to respect the right to privacy of terrorists, they too shall be free from unreasonable searches and seizures. A soldier or operative's "hunch" that a particular house in a foreign country might hold terrorists is no excuse for trampling their rights. They must get permission from a judge first. If a few terrorists escape as a result, it is a small price to pay for the rule of law.
4. Terrorists will have the right to remain silent. Forget waterboarding, anything that even reeks of coercion is out. (Note to self--take that Rummy!)
5. Terrorists will have the right to be apprised of their rights, including the right to a lawyer and the right to remain silent, at the time they are apprehended. (Note to self--we will need some kind of a training program for our soldiers and CIA agents, sort of like a police academy for dealing with terrorists...hmm, I'll put one of my 300 foreign policy advisors on this one).
6. Terrorists will have the right to be tried in open court. This is critical to preserving the important rights that terrorists will have--if the process is not open, who will we know their rights are being honored? Questions regarding compromise of state secrets and U.S. operatives by such a process will simply have to take a back seat.
This list may not be exclusive. Just as the Supreme Court has found new rights that are important to liberals in the "penumbras" and "emanations" of the Constitution, the Obama Terrorist's Bill of Rights is intended to be a living document that can be expanded at the pleasure of me, or any federal judge.
As I alluded to, establishing a Terrorist's Bill of Rights is critical to repairing America's image in the eyes of the world. These same terrorists who have no compunction about murdering thousands of innocent people will surely be moved by my efforts to "re-establish our credibility as a nation committed to the rule of law."
(Note to self--everyone knows that the real problems in the world are American imperialism and global warming, not this phony Republican straw man, terrorism. But even Michelle agrees I can't say that...yet!)
I'll take your questions now...
Answer: Both. Osama just wants to kill us physically. Obama, if elected, will kill us socially, but most importantly, economically. We will enjoy third world status.
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