(Vanity) You might be a Liberal if...

grey_whiskers ^ | 8-15-2008 | grey_whiskers

[grey_whiskers]

You might be a liberal if :

1…if you think that the US is so awful you want to move to France

…but you don’t understand why there are so many illegal immigrants

2…if think that the schools’ most important job is to teach little Johnny all about condoms

…and then you conclude the reason “Johnny can’t read” is lack of funding

3…if you honestly believe that Michael Moore has a greater grasp of world politics than Condoleeza Rice

4…if you honestly think that George Bush is a moron, despite his advanced degree from Harvard

5…if you would trust Peter Singer of Princeton with either your children OR your dog

6…if you think that the Pledge of Allegiance is unconstitutional

…but that it’s just fine to burn the flag

7…if you believe that terrorists in Guantanamo Bay have the right to the Koran, supplied by the U.S. government

…but the Ten Commandments have no place in our schools

8…if you believe that France is the greatest example of successful multiculturalism on Earth

9…if you believe Al Qaeda should be allowed to recruit on college campuses

…but the US military shouldn’t.

10…if you think being forced to wear Burquas and say Muslim prayers in school for three weeks is constitutional

…but a voluntary student-led non-denominational prayer isn’t

11…if you think the neo-Nazis have the legal right to march through Jewish neighborhoods

…but Christian ministries shouldn’t be allowed into prisons

12…if you think the real reason there was a Berlin Wall was to keep the West Germans from escaping

13…if you think Che was a greater hero than Columbus

14…if you think Cuba is better off because Fidel Castro took over

15…if you like to discuss the evils of global corporations while sipping a Starbucks

16…if you hold protest marches to scream at wounded soldiers that they are “baby-killers”

…but you are fervently pro-choice.

17…if you think Jerry Falwell is stupid for saying we deserved 9-11

…but you think Greenpeace is a bunch of geniuses for saying the same thing.

18…if you won’t admit that this list is funny.

19…if you think Sex and the City and Desperate Housewives qualify as “reality TV”

20…if you rail against inherited wealth

…but you still adore the Kennedys

21…you are concerned about overuse of landfills

…but you still use Pampers

22…if you never noticed that CNN called the rioters in France “African-Americans”.

23…if you complain that America is racist at heart

…but you think that Condoleeza Rice is “not black enough”

24…if you started to listen to the Dixie Chicks

…only after they trashed the Iraq war (source?)

25…if you are against drilling in ANWR

…but you forgot that the drilling area is only about 3 square miles

26…if you are a multimillionaire

…but you still stiff the wait staff

27…you favor medical marijuana

…but you call Rush Limbaugh a hypocrite for getting hooked on prescription painkillers.

28…if you’ve ever considered starting a group called “Gays against Bush”

29…if you’re convinced the US legal system only benefits “the rich”

…but you still think OJ Simpson was the victim of racism

30…if you wish that Bill Clinton was still president

…and you’re not a late-night comedian

31…if you’re against a flat tax because it unfairly hurts the poor

…but you voted for your state’s lottery

32…you think Jim Bakker and Jerry Swaggart are hypocrites because of their lifestyle

…but not the Rev. Jesse Jackson

33…if you believe that Janet Jackson’s mishap at the Super Bowl Halftime really was just a “wardrobe malfunction”

34…if you believe the X that CNN put over Cheney’s face was really a technical glitch

35…if you support tough sexual harassment laws

…but you applauded when Britney Spears got that open-mouth kiss on TV from a woman twice her age

36…if you prefer CNN to Fox News

37…if you prefer Air America to Sean Hannity

38…if you have an Internet Connection and you use it mostly to read Democratic Underground

39…if you think the Daily Kos is more reliable than the Drudge Report

40…if you think the George Bush in a flight suit on an aircraft carrier is “grandstanding”

…but you think John Kerry was really a war hero

41…if you think the problem with America is that we are not taxed enough

42…if you still think that Ronald Reagan was just an overrated ‘B’ movie actor

…but you believe that Bill Clinton really “feels your pain”

43…if you think that Hillary Clinton is better looking than Laura Bush

44…if you prefer Jackie Onassis to Nancy Reagan

45…if you think Carter and Clinton were better Presidents than Reagan and Bush “43”

46…if you are still proud that you voted for Carter over Reagan and Dukakis over Bush

47…if you think the invasion of Iraq was all about Halliburton

…but you ignore the “Oil-for-Food” scandal

48…if you are still more upset over Kent State than Tiannemen Square

49…if you still have a Kerry/Edwards sticker on your car

50…a bonus if you still have the Gore / Lieberman sticker too

51…if you prefer Christopher Lowell to James Bond

52…if you think Clarence Thomas was guilty of sexual harassment

…but Bill Clinton wasn’t.

53…if you are angry because you think Dick Cheney was a draft dodger

…but Bill Clinton wasn’t.

54…if you think the US should try to be more like France

…but you are still against nuclear power

55…if you think all big corporations are evil

…but you get your news from MSNBC

56…if you vow they’ll take your internet porn when they pry your cold, dead fingers

...from your hot, sticky keyboard

57…if you say you ‘support our troops’

…but you still feel compelled to call them “baby-killers”

…but you still feel compelled to spit on them

58…if you think that Howard Dean still has all his marbles. YEEEAAAARRRRGHH !!!!

59…if you like to call Republicans “mean-spirited”

…right after you finish calling George Bush a “Nazi”

60…if you think that rising rates of teen pregnancy and STD’s are caused by “abstinence-based education”

…instead of the sexual revolution

61…if you believe in Freedom of Speech

…for everyone except abortion protesters

62…if you call Christians “closed-minded”

..but you want to remove “in God We Trust” from coins

63…if you say you love freedom of religion

…but you really want freedom from religion

64…if you call yourself tolerant

…but you want to have “under God” removed from the Pledge of Allegiance because it offends you

65…if you think that Al Qaeda terrorists deserve understanding

…more than they deserve an incoming missile

66…if you think the Iraqi suicide bombers are “freedom fighters”

…but you call George Bush a terrorist

67…if you are more concerned that Saddam Hussein didn't get a fair trial

…than you are that Supreme Court nominees get a fair hearing

68…if you still take John Lennon’s music seriously

69…if you pride yourself on being “open-minded”

…but you still haven’t ever tuned in to the Rush Limbaugh program

70…if you think Al Sharpton is a uniter, not a divider

71…if you think Nina Totenberg is better looking than Ann Coulter

72…if you think Susan Estrich is better looking than Michele Malkin

73…if you love the “balance” of Hardball with Chris Matthews

74…if you are angry about Dick Cheney’s links to Halliburton

…but you forgot that Terry McAuliffe got $10 million from Global Crossing

75…if you think the Bush administration benefited from Enron

…but you forgot that Terry McAuliffe got $10 million from Global Crossing

76…if you object to Steve Forbes because you think he tried to buy his way into higher office…

…but you voted for John Corzine or John Kerry

77…if you rooted for the terrorists during the movie Team America

78…if you make fun of Rush Limbaugh because he’s overweight

…but you think Michael Moore really speaks for the “little guy”

79…if you support the separation of church and state

…but you don’t realize that phrase isn’t even in the Constitution

80 if you support the separation of church and state

…but you worship at the altar of big government

81…if you think the Constitution is a living, breathing document

…but you remain committed to stare decisis

82…if you think the Constitution trumps the Ten Commandments

83…if you think the Unabomber was a conservative

84…if you think that all of society’s problems can be solved by “education”

85…if you think that wearing a colored ribbon will actually solve anything.

86…if you still find Doonesbury significant

87…if you think that Bush/Cheney are turning the US into a police state

…but you still think that only the government should own guns

88…if you think womyn’s studies are a bigger part of the University Experience than college football

89…if you are secretly Christophobic

90…if you really, really liked the Lord of the Rings except that

…you disapproved of the fact that the Wargs were kept in underground cages

…you couldn’t believe the Orcs were non-Union

…you couldn’t relate to Aragorn because the movie promoted patriarchical monarchy

91…if you really wish that the US had socialized medicine

…but you complain about the long lines at the Post Office or Department of Motor Vehicles

92…if you really believe that only government officials should own guns

…but you never realized that that would include Postal Workers

93…if you tell your therapist that the real problem with the world is that so many conservatives are maladjusted

94…if you loudly insist that “all cultures are equal”

…but you still manage to look down on people from Red States

95…if you honestly believe it was just a coincidence that the Iranian hostages were released the very same day Reagan got his finger on the nuclear button

96…you proudly sport a “No Blood for Oil” bumper sticker

…on your SUV

97…you think of marriage as a barbaric, outdated patriarchical relic

…which is why you are so anxious to legalize gay marriage

98…you think all sex is rape

…except in the Oval Office

99…you really think that a bunch of has-been rock stars holding a benefit concert

…will do squat for a bunch of subsistence farmers in drought-ridden third world countries in the middle of a civil war

100…you really believe with Earth in the Balance that “the internal combustion engine is a greater threat to the survival of mankind than nuclear weapons”

…except for your Volvo

101…you think the US committed atrocities in Viet Nam

…but Saddam Hussein is merely an excuse for war

102…you think that having a pair of women’s underwear put on your head is “cruel and inhuman”

…but you watch worse than that every day on Oprah or Jerry Springer

103…you admire Geraldo Rivera

…for his hair

104…you laughed when President Reagan was shot

…but cried when John Lennon was

105…you think that all problems can be resolved

…by just taking the other side’s point of view

106…if you think the United States is the main cause of unhappiness in the world.

[ Think of that photo of dejected Tom Daschle…]

107…if you’ve every seriously wondered whether or not Bush and Cheney really caused Katrina.

Bonus if you read this and said to the book, “Of course not! It was Karl Rove!”

108…if you still own a Grateful Dead T-shirt.

Bonus if it stills fits.

Double bonus if you’ve worn it in public during the last year.

109…if you’ve ever read a news story about a jogger attacked by a mountain lion

…and started a collection for the cat.

110…if you’ve ever chained yourself to a tree

…to save a spotted owl.

111…if you oppose a wall on the U.S. – Mexico border

…but you have one around your neighborhood.

112…if you say “the rich” pay too little in taxes

…but you don’t pay any.

113…if you spend more each month grooming your dog Fifi

…than you spend on giving to charity.

…bonus if you gave more to charity

…but it was the Sierra Club or PETA.

114…if you wish everyone “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas”

…but you wouldn’t dream of calling a Menorah a “Wintertime Candlestick”

115…if you go around wishing people “Happy Kwanzaa”

…and you don’t know Kwanzaa was started in the 20th century by a convicted felon

Bonus if you didn’t know the “Seven Pillars of Kwanzaa”

are identical to the principles of the Symbionese Liberation Army

that kidnapped Patti Hearst.

116…if you took your wife’s last name.

…bonus if you hyphenated

….double bonus if she kept her name.

117…if you think the divorce rate is too high

…but you signed a pre-nuptial agreement.

118…if your husband has longer hair than you.

…bonus if your legs are hairier than his, though.

119…if you have had more spouses than children

120…if you think “Land for Peace” is a great idea.

…but you wouldn’t dream of giving Manhattan back to the Indians

121…you named any of your children something that sounds like an herbal tea, like

“Crystal Golden Healing Apple Passion”

122…you think that the UN would have done squat about Saddaam Hussein

…except milk him for more bribes

123…you trust Kofi Annan more than Donald Rumsfeld

124…you won’t let your children use Piggy Banks

…because it might be insensitive to Muslims

BONUS if you have a Darwin Fish on your car

Double Bonus if you still approve of “Piss Christ”

125…if you’ve ever been caught in a menage à trois

…by your wife

126…if every time you hear the phrase “joint session of Congress”

…you begin to hope that this time, they’re finally about to legalize marijuana.

127…if your place of worship

…is your local Lexus dealer

Bonus if you are multi-denominational (Mercedes, Porsche, Jaguar)

128…if you gave more to the ACLU

…than to your local house of worship

Bonus if your local house of worship is really a church

and not a car dealership (see # 127)

129…if you think “all votes should be counted”

…except absentee military ballots

130…if you don’t mind accounts of voter fraud and multiple votes

in ghetto and underclass communities

…because you think of it as “Affirmative Action” for Jim Crow

131…if you think CEOs are crooks

…but not politicians

132…if you think Osama bin Laden and Al Qaeda have done more good in the Middle East

…than the US marines

133…if you believe in no-fault marriage.

134…if you secretly enjoy reading the government information pamphlets

from Pueblo, Colorado.

135…if you think horror stories of illegal immigration into Arizona and California are exaggerations or rumors

…but you live in Vermont.

136…if you think that what happens in Vegas really stays in Vegas.

137…if you own a Toyota Prius

…AND a Hummer

138…if you prefer Alan Alda to John Wayne

139…if you can look at Richard Gere

…and not think of gerbils.

Bonus if you look at him because it reminds you of gerbils.

140…if when you watch The Simple Life on TV, you identify with Paris Hilton

…instead of thinking of some of her other, um, movies.

141…if you waggle your head when you speak

142…if you believed Anita Hill

…but not Paula Jones or Kathleen Willey (spelling) or Juanita Broadderick (spelling)

143...if you honestly think the world is less safe with the US as the world’s lone superpower

144…if you secretly wish Gorbachev were still in charge in Russia

...bonus if you are glad that Putin invaded Georgia

145…if you think Mugabe has been better for South Africa than deKlerk

146…if you think all Rush Limbaugh fans are mind-numbed robots

…because you heard it on CNN

147…if you watch PBS for anything besides “Nova,” “The Red Green Show,” or “Sesame Street”

148…if you miss Dan Rather

149…if you think FDR was the Greatest President ever.

…Bonus if you think JFK or Bill Clinton was second

150…if you are deeply troubled that Tom Daschle is no longer in the US Senate

151…if you think that elections in Chicago are above board

152…if you find yourself nodding in agreement when you read Newsweek.

153…if you rely on The New York Times for hard news.

154…if you ever voted for ‘chad’ in a Presidential election

155…if you loudly demand ‘more funding’ for public schools

…but you send your children to a private, lily-white prepatory academy

156…if you are in favor of allowing women to play in the PGA

…but you wouldn’t dream of allowing Shaquille O’Neal to

play in the WNBA. (look up initials)

157…if you think bicycling is a manlier sport than baseball

158…if you prefer Barbra Streisand to Faith Hill

…bonus if you think she’s better looking, too

159…if you think that “metrosexual” means “sophisticated”

…instead of “neutered”

160…if you are adamantly against censorship, and wouldn’t

dream of restricting pornography at a library

…but you want to regulate talk radio

161…if you are against “Big Tobacco”

…but you want marijuana legalized

Bonus if you haven’t considered the effects of “secondhand weed”

162…if you prefer Gore Vidal to William F. Buckley

163…if you really think it was Hillary Clinton who was gasping for air

…and not Monica Lewinsky

164…if you are in favor of transgendered bathrooms

…but you oppose allowing a man to chair a women’s studies department

165…if you prefer Oregon to Idaho

166…if you’re all for the Kyoto treaty

…as long as it does not apply to China or India

167…if you believe the US is more polluted than Eastern Europe

168…if you have more body piercings than your teenagers

169…if you are repulsed at how conservative young people are getting

170…if you think PBS isn’t liberal enough

171…if you own more than one Volvo

172…if you have an autographed picture of Noam Chomsky

173…if you think Sara Jane Olson was unfairy punished

Bonus if you read the last sentence and said “That’s not her real name.”

174. …if you support “Land for Peace” for Israel

…because it worked so well for Native Americans.

175. …if you think the “right to privacy” is actually in the constitution

176. …if you think the constitution is a living, breathing Document

...except for abortion rights

177. …if you think the young should be entirely comforable in letting their retirement funds come from Congress.

178. …if you have more than five bumper stickers on your car

179. …if you go to church twice or less a year.

180. …if you have ever gone into a book store and hidden or turned backwards copies

of anything by Sean Hannity, Ann Coulter, or Rush Limbaugh

181. …if you roll your own cigarettes

BONUS if they contain something other than tobacco

182. …if you contributed to Bill Clinton’s Legal Defense Fund

183. …if you have ever boycotted genetically modified foods

184. …if you approve of class action lawsuits

…because they do so much for the little guy

185. …if you think Mother Superior is a sexual position

186. …if you trust Oliver Stone more than Oliver North

187. …if you think the only reason people go on welfare is societal inequities

...instead of illiteracy or lack of a degree

189. …if you think welfare is plenty for other people to live on

190. …if you are upset that Iraqi terrorists were forced to wear women’s panties on their heads.

…and you are even more upset that US soldiers can’t wear women’s underwear under their uniforms.

190. …if you secretly wish Bill Clinton were still President

…or at least Jimmy Carter.

191. …if you think “budget cuts” is a dirty word

192. ...if you think that the 1st Amendment only has an Establishment clause

...and ignore the Free Exercise clause

[grey_whiskers]

Cheers!

[outofsalt]

Fantastic! May I post it everywhere?

[grey_whiskers]

Please do!

Cheers!

[grey_whiskers]

Actually, I was scooped by this.

Cheers!

[Travis T. OJustice]

I like it!

I think about 90% of these describe one of my sisters.

[netmilsmom]

Mine too.

In fact, both of them.

[NeoCaveman]

145…if you think Mugabe has been better for South Africa than deKlerk

Mugabe is the dictator of Rhodesia/zimbabwe not South Africa.

Other than that, great list.

[lormand]

Bookmarked!

[ßuddaßudd]

bookmark for later

[grey_whiskers]

Feh. Easily modified to "...better for Zimbabwe than deKlerk for South Africa."

(Sound of grey_whiskers running under the sofa to cough up a hairball in disgust and embarrassment)

Cheers!