The Saga of Barrack the Bankrupt – Book One – In the beginning

[Maggie Maggie Maggie]

It is in an old, roofless, dilapidated building, without windows or doors, more a few piles of rubble than a building, set in a devastated, once-urban wilderness, five hundred years hence, it is night-time, a handful of dirty, hungry people huddle together. An Elder speaks:

“Gather close, where the walls meet, against the cold, we last few people of the Tribe, we, the remnants of a once mighty people, throw more sh*tcake on the fire, set Watchmen against the coming of Others, and I will tell you the tale - as my Sire told me and his Sire told him and his Sire told him, back, way back, since the coming of Barrack’s Ruin. These, children and friends, are the legends and commentaries, the hymns and prayers of Joe the Plumber; make unto each other the sign of Ruin and say, after me, the first declaration of Joe:

...“I asked the question, but I still got a tap dance!”

All:

“ I asked the question, but I still got a tap dance!... I asked the question, but I still got a tap dance!... I asked the question, but I still got a tap dance! ”

Elder:

“And Barrack the Ruiner was born, some say hatched, in what was called the Dark Island of Honour-Noo-Noo, far distant, across the Big Water, in a place where men wore the skirts and blouses of women and even garlands of blossoms around their necks, and it was a place of skirt-wearing inebriate, cross-dressers.”

All:

“Skirt wearing inebriate cross dressers!”

Elder:

“Aye! And Barracks sire was an outsider even to Honour-Noo-Noo, from a desperate land of warring tribes called Kinyaa, a place of biting flies, pestilence, famine and disease. And his sire was what the ancients called an stoo-dent, which was the ancients word for an worthless person who serves no purpose but to drink himself senseless every night and defile young women. And in Honour-Noo-Noo Barracks sire met a local girl who went by the name of Stanley, which was a boy childs name (make of that what you will) and when he discovered that she was from a family of wealth, he took her unto his bed and knocked her up with child and married her, even though he was already wed to another in his homeland of Kinyaa, which he conveniently forgot all about at the time, the dirty lousy lying cunning sonnofabitch...”

All:

“Dirty lousy lying cunning sonnofabitch!”

Elder:

“And Stanley carried the Stoodents child for nine full moonturns before birthing Barrack the Bankrupt. And his birth brought Darkness at the break of Noon and he was seen as one afflicted, sour and ugly but the old tribes did not, as is our custom, set the mutant out for the dogs to kill and consume, but nourished him instead, for this was before Ruination came at Barracks hand, and there was food and shelter and thanks to Joe the Plumber, water sprang from magic pipes beneath the earth - honest and not invent! Pipes, filled with clean water grew everywhere and the Ancients, before Ruin, knew not of drinking from puddles, or collecting rainwater, as we do now, now that Barrack the Ruinous, skulking and plotting and lying and feuding, has forever laid waste to all that the Ancients had made. And Before Ruin, excrement was not hoarded and mixed with straw, by the children to burn, for warmth, but washed away down magic pipes into the dead seas. Imagine, water for all, as much as they could drink, so abundant that they splashed it all over themselves, several times a day. Our chronicler saw to it, Joe was his name and plumbing, or planting and growing the magic water pipes, was his game, “I asked the question, but I still got a tap dance!”, his constant cry, as Ruin’s cold hand gripped the land.”

And Barracks sire, the lousy lying stoo-dent took one look at him and declared,

“This is not an normal child, see how his grin is fixed and does not waver. Listen to his droning cry. I have never heard such monotonous dreary tones. I do not accept this child, I reject him!” And he ran far far away to another place, across the big water and saw Barrack not again for years.

So Barracks mother, Stanley, left burdened with an strange child and finding that no man would even offer her the comfort of his body for fear that she might begat another of the same, wandered hence and eventually met with another outsider, another worthless stoo-dent, from a place called in Don-e-sia, an place of devil worship and infamy, and his name was Lu-Lu, which was an name for a woman, not for a man. And Stanley took up with Lu-Lu for he was all that she could get, burdened as she was with the horrible mutant child that was Barrack the Bankrupt.

Eventually Stanley and Lu-Lu could no longer stand the stigma and spurning of others and they were driven out and travelled far across the big water to his homeland. In Don-e-sia, a dire place of searing heat, pestilence and filth, and it was here, in Don-e-sia, that Barrack spent his formative years, reading from the scriptures of the Coor-rang, which was their holy book, while rocking back and forth and banging his misshapen head upon the ground, as was their custom.

But as Barrack grew Lu-Lu became more and more uncomfortable. Living among his own people he began to notice more and more how Barrack was blighted and strange. His people whispered and pointed and made jokes and eventually Lu-Lu spoke unto Stanley and issued an ultimatum,

“Stanley”, he said, “It's me or the kid. He is an freak. I hate him and he has to go.”

So Stanley sent Barrack back across the Big Water to Honour-Noo-Noo to live with her mother, a kindly but naive woman who loved him despite his afflictions and tried her best to make him as other children were, but as he grew even she could no longer ignore the reality and eventually she said unto her daughter,

“Stanley! This one must go away and be taught bribery, blackmail and deceit, bullying and cowardice, for he has about him the look of an asshole, an right asshole. And he will flourish in the world of assholes and we shall all prosper from his assholishness. Look, he cannot speak truth but only lie, his grin beams constantly even as unto an lighthouse, and listen ye unto his voice, droning on and on relentlessly on and on, never resting, even as though he were plagued or poxed. This is no ordinary youth; this is an freak.... This is an control freak!”

And so Barack went unto LA-LA-land, an assholes gathering place where he studied Pollytricks, which was the ancients word for the art of black magic, defilement, devil worship and sacrilege, but even the assholes of LA-LA-land soon realised that he was cursed and poxed and so he was cast out and travelled far across the land to Nu-Yoik, another gathering place of assholes where he continued his studies. But again, soon even the assholes of Nu-Yoik awoke to his afflictions and he was cast out again and fled to Chi-Cargo an cold and bleak place where the chill wind relents not and bloweth constantly. In Chi-Cargo, he fell in with a group of holy people who, as the holy often are, were well meaning, kindly, but misguided folk. And they tried to set him to gainful work, and even put him in charge of others, in the hope that having something meaningful to do might instill some worthiness into him. But Barrack, in an warning of the Ruination to come, undertook to bankrupt the holy folk and hired many more freaks to work under him, increasing the outflow of the holy folks tokens and treasures by sixfold and spending treasure they did not even have.

Eventually the holy folk also cast him out and he drifted, embittered and malicious, to an place called Half-Hard, an ancient place of learning, well regarded by the ancients, but where within lurked a group of freaks and dangerous loons, known as sow-shall-ists and com-on-ists, and Barrack fell in with these vile evil assholes and set out to study lawyering, as many of them did, which was the ancients word for the practice of weasel words, dishonour, stealth, mendacity, theft and lies.

So he studied the dark arts of the law, and after many moonturns, he became an lawyer, which licensed him to tell lies and practice dishonour for gain, and he came down from that Half-Hard place, which by now had been overrun by the com-on-ists and so where now sister mated with brother and mother with son, back unto Chi-cargo, from whence he had been rejected, and with rage in his soul and hate in his heart he sought to wreak revenge upon the land that had spurned him thus far.

And there he met and joined with other com-on-ists and lawyers, and he became a teacher of lawyers and com-onists and spent years recruiting and training others in his image and he travelled the land meeting and talking with other freaks and vermin.

And during this time he fell in with other prominent com-on-ists, scumbags and filth, among them Billy Klingon, a defiler of maidens, who so the legend goes, once sprayed his pox-ed seed upon the holy fabric of the blessed Monica and committed perversions upon her with roll-ed tobacco leafs, and his consort, Hillary Sour-Sister, who sought to take from the ancients all of their treasure and tokens and to give them unto those among them who toil-ed not, Fatman Algor the Hypocrite, who spread lies and did tell the ancients many untruths and insisted that though they might shiver with cold they must not burn fuel for warmth as it would release a magic vapour called See-Oh-Too which would cause the very air to burn and that the oceans and seas would rise and swallow the land and the people with it, but who himself burned more fuel even than ten ordinary ancients, and Jon Currie, who claimed to be a great warrior but who had gained his honours by cunning and guile and who was a traitor to his tribe and who lived, like a pimp, upon the wealth of his woman “Terror Raisor Heid”, and Tedwood Kinnardly who, it is said, took his pleasures by throwing young maidens from his carriage to be drowned in the torrid waters of the River Chippywick, All these worthless cowards, vermin and scumsuckers, and others besides did Barrack the Bankrupt cultivate and ingratiate himself with and they did speaketh well of him unto the others, and he was at once at home among them for they were all useless, idle, thieving assholes……”

All:

“Useless, idle, thieving assholes!”

Elder:

“Aye, useless, idle, thieving assholes, feuding, hating each other, bound together by treachery’s harsh cords, steeped in offence and foulness, pious and righteous their discourse, squalid and filthy their habits, all, as the Ancients said, fur coat and no knickers.”

All:

“All fur coat and no knickers!” ”All fur coat and no knickers!” “All fur coat and no knickers!”

Elder:

“Aye, and at that time, before Ruin, this land was known as Merika and the tribe here were called Merikans and it was a happy tribe, a wealthy tribe, some did say the happiest wealthiest tribe in all of the world. And Merica was a land of plenty, and the Merican tribe did daily feast upon the tasty burgered meats of Old McDonalds Farm, the breaded poultries of Kernel Sanderson, and the fabled spicy delights of Mr. Taki Bell. Yea, they even drank from the frosted milk and cream of Queen Dairy, squirted fresh every day from her magnificent udders. Not for the ancients the foraged weeds and dried ratflesh, which forms our sustenance, the snared blackbird and sparrow, the root porridge and flat bread, but then came Barrack, and with him he brought waste and stupidity, greed and vanity and set to his lifework of ruination and despair.

And in those days, The Plumber tells, were viewing boxes, powered by the Gods in the above place, in which magic happened and visions of tiny people, much like, even copies of, real people, spoke out loud from the innards of the box and there were, too, before Ruin, other places, beyond. And there other tribes could look into their viewing boxes, in a place that was called Therestoftheworld. And in Therestoftheworld the multitudes who then lived, in plenty, before Ruin, could see Merica and the Merican tribe and they did say unto each other,

“That is what we want! That is how we want to live!”

But in some parts of Therestoftheworld there were tribes who looked unto their viewing boxes and did say,

“Those people are wicked. They have more than us and do not worship as we worship. They eat of the flesh of the hog which is forbidden by our gods and they drink of the Fallingdownwater which is taboo also. They are evil and we must put them out for Deaths Harvest Home, the evil wicked infidel scum!”

And so there came a Great Attack on the Merican tribe, from Oscar Dim-Ardon a Headman of one of the tribes who did bang their heads unto the ground and grow whiskers upon their chins but not unto their lips and the ancients Headman of that time, a good but simple man who was known as Gorge Dumbya did sendeth the warriors of the tribe far far across the big water to kicketh the asses of the peoples who bang-ed their heads unto the ground. But many of the warriors did die in the cause of kicking those asses and soon the people of the Merican tribe did say unto one another, enough of this death, enough of this war and the tribe did move to choose a new Headman.

And Hillary Sour-Sister, with an eye unto the gold and treasure of the nation did say unto the people of the tribe, make me your new Headperson and verily I will force the apothecaries and the medicine men to render unto all you people of the tribe, (yay even unto you feckless nomarks who toileth not and liveth unto trailer parks) their spells and potions and no man or woman will have to pay for these potions or spells, nay, not even one penny nor red cent. And the people did say,

“Yay! Sour-Sister! We shall make you unto our Headperson!”

But Barrack the Bankrupt did watch and listen unto Hillary Sour-Sister and he did see that the people of the tribe were not, as we are now, all of one hue but that there were men and women of different hues, some lighter, some darker, and he did see that many of the tribesfolk who were darker in hue did keepeth unto themselves and many did not liketh the tribesfolk who were of lighter hue and he did see also that many of the tribesfolk who were of lighter hue did feel badly about the darker tribesfolk and did often reach out to them and try to help them and Barrack looked unto his own hue and he did see that he was neither of the darker hue nor of the lighter hue, but somewhere in between, and he did think and scheme and plot and an idea did form unto his cunning scheming mind and he stood and he speaketh to the people of the tribe and he did say,

“Nay! People of the tribe! Chooseth not Hillary Sour-Sister for she is but a foolish woman and will taketh away from you your gold and tokens and giveth them to others and moreover, she is an tribesperson of lighter hue and verily she does not understand the burdens that those of you of darker hue have borne, not as I who am both lighter and darker hues in one, do understand.”

And verily the people of the tribe who were of darker hue did say,

“Yea! Brother! We hear you!”

And those who were of lighter hue said,

“Oh well, it wouldn't be so bad really I suppose, I mean they really have have it hard after all haven't they and he isn't that dark really when you look at him in the daylight and his mother was one of us so I suppose it might be alright...”

And so they did pronounce him Headman and verily he did travel to Wishing-town where the Headman and the Elders did reside and meet and parlay and conduct their tribal business and he did become Headman and all did cheer him on that day!

“The night blows, now, cold and rainy and we must find shelter from the storm, behind piled rocks with sticks sharpened against Beasts and Others, who would bite and tear at us, steal our sh*tcake, our dried ratflesh and all our treasures. Tomorrow is an day of Scavenging, we might find an tin or two of korn-ed beef or cream-ed corn, in some Holy Retail Ruin. And if so there will be Feasting and I shall continue the Saga of Barack the Bankrupt.

Make, friends and children, the Sign of Ruin to one another and say, after me, the second declaration of Joe the plumber...”

All:

“And they shall be taken, all, and given an quick rub-down with an housebrick and dropp-ed down an mineshaft”

Elder:

"Aye, and so should it have happened, Sleep well, itinerant paupers, ragged and frightened, cold and hungry, in the wreckage and squalor left us by Barack the Ruinous.

Amen"

[Maggie Maggie Maggie]

Note: This was reworked from “The Saga of Gordon the Ruiner” which may be Googled for. But be warned, good people of The Tribe, it does contain very strong language and profanity.

[ExTexasRedhead]

http://canadafreepress.com/index.php/article/9485

[El Gato]

five hundred years hence

Possibly closer to one hundred years hence

[AnAmericanMother]

Russell Hoban did it better --

[nothingnew]

Cute, though you do need an editor.

FMCDH(BITS)