Skip to comments.Mixed Marriage
Posted on 11/14/2009 3:05:10 AM PST by Scanian
No, I'm not referring to marriages between blacks and whites, or Christians and Jews. I'm talking about marriages where one person is liberal and the other is conservative. To be more specific, I'm writing about my own marriage and I invite my esteemed AT readers to offer their advice.
My husband and I were liberal Democrats for most of our lives. On occasion we used to talk about couples who were not politically aligned and wondered how they dealt with that in their relationship. Did they argue? Did they just not talk politics? Were they able to have interesting discussions and then agree to disagree? Did one sway the other's opinion over time? It was a puzzle.
Now I find that I am in one of those relationships! In recent years, I have moved farther and farther to the right and now find that I am quite conservative on most issues. My husband, however, has remained for the most part, liberal.
It's difficult, to say the least.
(Excerpt) Read more at americanthinker.com ...
I’m sure that FReepers, with their uncommon intelligence and wisdom, can come up with some excellent advice for this couple.
Scripture asks, “Can two walk together except they agree?”
I feel he’s wrong and want to help him see the light. (Not to mention, sometimes I just feel appalled.) At the same time, I realize he may well feel that way about my views.
As with most issues in life, it isn’t about right and left, it is all about right and WRONG.
“It’s difficult, to say the least.”
HOw can you love someone and at the same time not like their opionions and views of the world?
I don’t get it either but I’m often accused of having a black or white view of things.
I posted the article because I’ve seen these type marriages where the parties seem to get along fine despite their differences but I don’t comprehend how they do it. I thought some of our always perceptive FReepers might be able to shed some light on it.
We both cared about people, we just differed in our views of how people should be cared for; she believed in big government, while I am sane.
i can’t understand it either, my political/ideological views are too big a part of who i am, To be on any sort of intimate terms with someone who had diametrically opposed views, because, face it, they are not just different points on the spectrum, they are rather two different sides of a coin- seems unfathomable to me. I feel for this woman though, because she evolved and he did not. In my case, my husband and i were both liberal democrats and we evolved TOGETHER. What i truly can’t get are the couples like Carville/Matalin because they knew going in they were on opposite sides of the coin.
Key is respect.
In my situation, it’s a bit more complicated. It isn’t straight right/left. We both agree on the important family issues, I’m very political and she is not. On some issues she is to my right, death penalty. On others she is to my left, such as health care. Makes for some interesting discussions. Depending on the test, she usually tests out as a true moderate, and I am generally libertarian scoring, (high on personal liberties, but quite fiscally and social conservative).
Only rule we have is that she initiates all the political conversations, and when we get into it, we go all the way. Everything and anything gets discussed. Any comment made isn’t, “gosh that’s such a stupid idea”, we try to tackle the why’s and wherefores. Why do you believe in this? What about this is compelling to you?
In the end, I’d rather have someone who I love and care for and who loves and cares for me, than someone who agreed with me on everything. As far as I’m concerned, there are some non-negotiables, and we agree on those. Beyond that, if she wants to vote for Obama, I don’t care. That is her decision to make, not mine. It doesn’t make me respect her less, because I know where her heart is at. She is the most amazing gal I’ve ever met.
Thanks for sharing that. Gives me hope.
I guess, then, it depends on how integral politics are to your daily life. We live in suburban VA, we eat, sleep and breathe politics, it's our LOCAL news. my 3 kids, ages 21, 18 and 15 are all well versed in politics because it's what we talk about at the dinner table and always have. i have a colleague whom i like very much, who is a liberal Jew from NY. we have not spoken of politics since the election. Hence, we don't speak much any more, other than now and again about our kids, office goings-on etc. I am dying to know if he is disgusted with Obams, but my fear is he will be approving of him and then i will just have to lose my mind. so i never ask, and he never volunteers.
It ultimately didn't work out, not because she was a liberal, but because she was a loon. But I repeat myself.
that is what makes it work, then. i can see that being possible. but in the case of carville/matalin, presumably they are BOTH political, and BOTH ideologically committed, but on opposite sides of the coin. those are the relationships i can't fathom.
My husband grew up Democrat and I grew up Republican. His family was poor and uneducated while mine was upper middle class. He joined the Army right out of high school, got an education and did well in life. When we married he was still Democrat but he has evolved over the years into a Republican. He realized several years ago that the Democrats didn’t have anything in common with his beliefs any longer. The last Democrat he voted for was Clinton. When he did that my first (and frequent) words were “how could you?” He thought the first term Clinton was the greatest until he opened his eyes and really saw what was going on. Since then he has voted Republican. He’s extremely conservative, probably even more conservative than I am, so the evolution was inevitable. He spent his early life as a poor conservative Democrat until he realized that he couldn’t stay there. Sometimes it just happens. :-)
Well my husband and i will have been married for 25 years next June. He took off a semester and worked for Mo Udall for president when in college. I was depressed when Ronald Reagan won the election, i was in law school at the time. So we have always been on the same page, and migrated together. We actually gave money to Walter Mondale. So yeah, we WERE loons. He got a job on the Hill working for a conservative Republican, and so began our joint transformation. I remember going out with the people from his office and thinking OMG they are REPUBLICANS. Once we started on the path to the Light, there was no looking back. We were right wing extremists within a year : ) But my husband remains convinced that it helps argue against leftists to have been one at one point, because you know what they think and you know why they are wrong.
I'd recommend something that would create "brain swelling" ~ Louisville Slugger possibly, or a sudden braking action when out driving on the Interstate.
There are a variety of methods available to everyone, but be sure to make he is disarmed first. You wouldn't want him pulling a gun on you although that might well be the first sign of his recovery!
I realize my above post doesn’t really concern being Liberal. My husband was never a Liberal. If he had been we wouldn’t be married because I would have NO respect for him. When Democrats took the Liberal turn, he left them.
Wow, we both posted almost the identical same thing.
I added that for the sake of their kids I hope that their marriage isn’t an act.
On the other hand, some of my closest friendships I haave had over the years with various co-workers have been with Ultra-liberals.
At the one school people would come into the faculty lounge just to watch us debate.
“that is what makes it work, then. i can see that being possible. but in the case of carville/matalin, presumably they are BOTH political, and BOTH ideologically committed, but on opposite sides of the coin. those are the relationships i can’t fathom.”
Male Liberal + Female Conservative will work. Generally Male Conservative + Female Liberal will not.
Male liberals like Carville generally respect conservative women, if for nothing more than that is what feminism teaches. They are not at odds with their position in the family, he will likely encourage her in her pursuits and she will do his.
The opposite cannot, and will not work. Why? There are fundamental differences in family roles. Male conservative wants a wife who stays and home, has kids. Female liberal wants none of these things. She will resent ‘conforming’ to the role, and the conservative man will get frustrated with his wife. Generally one or the other will move to the other position, or they will split.
It sounds to me like the lady simply “outgrew” her husband who isn’t going to change no matter what.
I think the issue is relevant for a lot of people because of all the activism that’s going on right now among conservatives, especially. People who have never gotten involved in politics before are going to tea parties, 9-12 meetings, etc. and showing tremendous passion for politics that many of their spouses aren’t going to share.
“But my husband remains convinced that it helps argue against leftists to have been one at one point, because you know what they think and you know why they are wrong.”
I’m a converted liberal. I used to be a classical liberal, but I migrated into social conservativism while at university. Not only does it give you perspective and insight into the other side, it also makes you a more effective debator. I cannot fault anyone for making the same mistakes that I did, I feel it’s my job to show them the light.
I have plenty of friends on both sides of the spectrum. Me, I look at people. I don’t really care what your political persuasion is, but if you ask me, I’ll be glad to expound on the merits of my position. I have surprised many people, most assume that I’m a liberalm and ask, “how can you possibly be a conservative!”
work to the extent that he would HAVE her as a wife. but that still doesn't explain why a conservative woman who is ideologically committed would want any part of a man who had diametrically opposed views. That is the bottom line to me. I would not be ATTRACTED to a liberal man, because the ideology colors everything for me. For one thing, abortion would be a deal-breaker for me. i could never marry someone who doesn't share that very basic premise, that life is sacred.
If you are fortunate enough to be around civilized libs, which are becoming rare, or open-minded ones, which are even rarer, you might have a chance for a decent relationship and/or friendship. It sounds like you’ve been pretty lucky in that regard.
The nastiest libs are the kind who regard themselves as morally superior and insist on being judgmental toward conservatives. I can’t see any hope in dealing with that type.
Most of our good friends are conservatives, though we have casual friends who are liberals. i am an anomaly in my office, though, and everyone knows it. Recently, a paralegal, whom i did not know was a conservative, came to talk to me about the gubernatorial election in VA. She seeks me out more and more for conversation now that we have “found” each other.
I deal with one of those on a regular basis. He wants everyone to get along and he thinks that the best path is the "middle path"
I told him I wanted the differences painted with bold colors. I said lets look at abortion. I am against it in all shapes or forms. Liberals want it in all forms. The "Middle ground would be to ban partial birth abortions.
I told him that I have not "won" anything because there would still be legal abortions, and his side would still find ways to "legally encroach" and allow Partial birth abortions.
He just didn't get it, or maybe he does?
As was I. I used to work as inventory control in a health food store. They wanted an outsider, because an outsider had no stake in the old system, and would do a better job of fixing things.
Everyone assumed I was liberal, except my boss, who knew full well where I stood. I am not a suit + tie kind of guy, Jeans and Tshirt work perfectly fine for me.
There were some conservatives there, particularly the manager, but it was the liberals who really liked me the most for whatever reason. I tend to have an easy time meeting up with liberal or moderate gals, but I’ve had no luck with the conservative ladies.
well maybe because your conservatism is disguised, the conservative ladies are not aware that you are a conservative and hence are giving you a wide berth, thinking you a lib?
“Male conservative wants a wife who stays and home, has kids. Female liberal wants none of these things.”
Life is not that simple.
I am a conservative and looked for a partner strong enough to help keep me from misbehaving. I want her living up to her full potential just as she wants me living at my full potential. She stayed home when the kids were young, but when they started school full time, she resumed her career. If it were her choice to stay home, I would have supported her, but honestly, we would have both been miserable. Thankfully, although she is not political, she has good conservative thought patterns and actions.
We have good friends that are liberals. She is a Berkenstoc wearing, goat cheese making, tie-died in the woold liberal, who is a stay at home mom even though her kids are mostly raised.
We also have two sets of friends with conservative husbands and liberal wives. They all have been married over 40 years. One of the wives in particular is rabidly liberal and I have had some wild debates with her, but in the end, she is a loving person and much to my supprise, always greets me with smiles and hugs, ready to hold her ground but never instigating a battle. She dotes on her conservative husband, although I have noted, they do not seem to have political discussions between the spouses.
I have surprised many people, most assume that Im a liberalm and ask, how can you possibly be a conservative!
I assume everyone is liberal until proven innocent. lol
Those two sentences together are not rational if you are conservative.
I used to be in one of these.
I met my sweetie online, via baseball. (Got him unbanned from his own team’s board. Don’t ask. lol)
Little did I know at the time he was a leftist wingnut.
It took him four months to even call me on the phone. Valentine’s Day. The call lasted 6 hours.
Despite being a lib, he maintained an open mind. We went from watching Larry King and Anderson Cooper to watching Fox, over the last few years.
He suddenly realized how he’d been “punk’d” all his life.
The Jewish faith (we’re both Catholic, btw) carries special weight to “converts.” Because the converts are the most truest of believers. In the Jewish faith, converts are treasured.
So it is with my sweetie. He turned his back on all the liberal colleges drilled into him. In so doing, he also turned his back on the opinions of his family. Because they had been indroctinated via Oxford, Harvard, and Stanford.
He has become more conservative then even I am. He now takes on friends, family and all....because he sees the light.
We can win this thing, once and for all. All we have to do is tell the truth.
What's your advice on communicating with holier-than-thou progressives? It's the ivy league educated, NGO, illegal immigrant advocates that are hardest to deal with.
The Taco Bell boycott tour is one example of progressive self-righteousness run amok. These people are unapproachable if you don't have like minded political credentials.
Two answers here.
1. Her decision, not mine. She’s the American citizen, I am not. I have no right to tell her who to vote for, and how to exercise her rights.
2. Why in my right mind would I sacrifice good will and a relationship for McCain? He wasn’t worth it to be frank.
I am who I am. If they ask me they’ll find out.
“What’s your advice on communicating with holier-than-thou progressives?”
Look like a liberal and argue ‘classical liberal’ principles. The key is to argue there is a difference between Marx and between folks like Rousseau. Rousseau I have found enormously useful to hammer home certain principles such as natural rights, while at the same time not contesting the principles of the enlightenment. You’ll find out pretty quickly who is truly fond and devoted to Marx.
WRT to the Marxists, I’ve not had that much success. I would hammer home Solzhenitsyn and have them read the gulag archipelago. “Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich” is also useful. So is Harrison Bergeron, surprisingly. You have to be arguing that making everyone equal always means bringing the strong and the good and the bright and the clever down to the level of everyone else.
WRT to the Rousseau folks, I would toss out Hobbes. Point out the dichotomy between the two regarding human nature. Point out the fact that Hobbes is not religious, and how Hobbes doubts that human nature is perfectible. The argument you are going here is that government cannot make a person good.
Those are just my points. Me, the conversion was on the social conservativism side, and it took seeing pictures of dead babies to push me over.
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